Just Talking
Syed and Christian just talking...sort of.
He'd promised himself that he wouldn't interfere, betray his brother's wishes and speak to Christian, but this was different wasn't it? This way he wouldn't actually be telling Christian anything….Syed would, he just wouldn't realise that until after, when it was too late.
Tamwar had managed what he thought would be the hard part, that had been getting Christian to come over. And now Christian had been sitting in the Masoods kitchen for so long he'd started to nod off, it had been a heavy night before with a party at the Vic and he'd planned a lazy day. Tamwar had interrupted that though when he'd called and begged him to come over. Christian had finally, reluctantly agreed but he still didn't really know why. He knew he should leave but something kept him from getting up and going. Who was he kidding though, being close to Syed again, even this way, was like an addiction. He'd spent most of the previous night wishing he'd walk into the pub, even though he knew how unlikely that was.
Being here, in Syed's family kitchen, brought him close and yet made Christian squirm in equal measure. While the place conjured up very welcome thoughts of early morning Syed, all tousle haired and sleepy, maybe helping himself to breakfast at this table that same morning, he couldn't stave off the very unwelcome images of Zainab, a harridan in a dressing gown, that came too. He groaned as he tried to block her out, it offended him to think that she had given birth to the man he….he swallowed as he admitted it again to himself...the man he still loved with all his heart. He cherished the too few occasions when he'd woken up with Syed beside him.
Each time he'd been the first to wake and he'd just lay there watching him. That was not like Christian, 'love 'em and leave'em,' Clarke at all, he was usually impatient for last night's conquests to make a quick exit. But with Syed it had always been different. Any time he spent with him was never enough. Before his itinerant lover had even woken and rushed out of the door Christian was always hungry for more of him. Even as he'd had him, right there in his arms, he was dreading the moment he'd leave, missing him before he'd even gone.
Christian sighed heavily. But who was he fooling waiting around here? Too much had happened between them. That was it, he decided, he'd waited there long enough. He had an inkling of what Tam might be up to …get them alone together, somewhere private, get them to talk. It was a stupid idea...it would never work.
He pushed back the chair, making an ugly scraping sound across the floor which alerted Tamwar, who was on the phone.
"Tamwar! Tamwar... I'm off…sorry…."
Tamwar was already rushing back to the kitchen.
"Shhhh! Christian not much longer…he's on his way…he just told me…this time he is I promise…."
"Tamwar no…"
Tamwar cut Christian off…. "Please Christian…just stay in here and listen, I'm begging you…please…Syed won't tell you things...I know he won't and he won't let me…so please…"
Christian didn't like it, this felt even worse, like eavesdropping. But Tamwar was so desperate and Christian was desperate too…to hear Syed's voice….to touch him….to be with him. He gave up the fight and sat back down.
"Just make sure he doesn't come in here…..alright?"
Christian could make a quick exit out of the Masoods kitchen but he hoped he wouldn't have to.
Tamwar smiled gratefully, he'd asked Syed to come home from the unit to talk, but he'd used the pretence that it was about his own future. With their parents away from the house for the whole day, rebuilding fractured relationships, he hoped Syed might open up to him , if he could just encourage him in the right direction. And besides, there were things he still wanted to know too. For one thing whenever he'd asked Syed where he'd gone when he left those few days, he'd been brushed off with, 'it doesn't matter.' but it did matter to Tam. He wanted to know.
They heard a key being turned in the lock and Tamwar nodded to Christian as he pulled the kitchen door half closed and then walked nervously down the hallway to welcome his brother. He wiped his hands on his trousers, the sweat already there betrayed the guilt he was feeling. This wasn't betrayal though…this was saving his brother and he couldn't think of another way. He'd tried supporting him the way Syed wanted him too, feeling it was wrong but unable to deny Syed's plea to him. Now though he knew it had been wrong. Syed was confused...he didn't know what was best for him and all his decisions were weighed down and influenced by the tremendous guilt he felt...for simply being the wrong sexuality in a muslim family.
But Tamwar had the advantage of being able to step outside that and see it all for what it was.
He'd already prepared cold drinks and some lunch, all neatly laid out in the front room and when Syed came inside he ushered him straight into there and pulled the door almost closed behind them. This was Christian's cue to enter the hallway. As much as Christian hated the deception, his stomach had turned somersaults at the sound of Syed's friendly greeting to his younger brother. He'd only said,
"Hi...I'm sorry I'm late, what's worrying you Tam?"
But he'd said it with warmth and affection and in that gentle searching way Syed had when he was concerned about you, the way he'd spoken to Christian so many times after he'd been attacked last year. He didn't have to see his face to picture it right now, those beautifully expressive eyes filled with genuine concern. It all seemed so long ago now and Christian ached for him to direct words, any words, like that towards him again. To look at him that way. To care about him again. But every time they'd accidentally met it had been so awkward between them and Syed had never once looked him in the eye, in fact he'd always averted his eyes as if it hurt him to even look at Christian any more.
From being reluctant to become involved in this, wild horses couldn't have dragged Christian away now.
Tamwar had encouraged Syed to have some lunch first, it gave him a little time to steady his nerves to and Syed had attacked the food as if he hadn't eaten in days,
"Hey Tambo this is good…we should do this more…sorry I was late though...I got a call just as I was leaving… good news though …another two functions for next month…and it could lead to lots more….but I finished up and now I'm all yours." And he clapped Tamwar on the arm affectionately.
Syed was very upbeat, he often was, but Tamwar had seen him too many times when he thought no one was watching him, when he revealed the inner Syed and that's then his whole countenance changed. In those moments he looked drained and empty and it scared Tamwar, really scared him that he was slowly losing his brother, or worse he might try to…something Tamwar hated to think about but actually try to kill himself again. If their father hadn't found him he would have died...and it had been no cry for help. It was pure chance that Imam Ali had called round at the time he did and alerted the Masoods to Syed's shunning at the mosque earlier in the day. If the Imam had called round even half an hour later it could have been too late.
Tamwar was frightened that the next time Syed might make certain nobody found him and he couldn't let it happen. He'd envied his older brother for so long and now he wondered why he ever did. Being their mother's golden boy was something Tamwar would crawl across hot coals to avoid. The weight of her expectations was an impossible burden and realsing that had brought him closer to his brother than he'd ever felt before.
"So what's worrying you Tam?" Syed breezily asked breaking into Tamwar's thoughts. Tamwar had been worrying about how to get started...to make Syed talk about what he'd rather avoid. He quickly outlined a couple of ideas he'd rehearsed and Syed listened patiently and offered lots of advice. But he was keen to get something else across to Tamwar,
"Tam I don't want you feeling you have to stay here for me…. I won't…well... I won't do it again you know…I promise…..I don't want you hanging around here worrying about me…"
Tamwar felt like he'd been reading his thoughts.
"You scared me you know…I didn't expect it…maybe I should have…maybe I should have guessed you might …"
Syed cut him off, he didn't want him feeling any guilt over any of it, he'd been a brilliant brother these last months.
"No Tam…even I didn't know…If I'd thought about it I never would have done it to you…I mean what if you'd found me?…too late? If I'd been thinking at all I wouldn't have risked that…Tam I promise, if I'd been in my right mind I wouldn't have taken those pills…they were just there...it wasn't planned…"
Outside in the hallway Christian shivered at the images invading his mind. He'd called round that night…Roxy had told him she'd said some things she shouldn't have…he'd been worried…that Sy had left…but the flat had been empty or he wasn't answering…but Syed could still have been lying there…if Masood hadn't got there first he could still have been lying there and it might have been too late. It scared Christian how close he'd come.
To Tamwar's relief, Syed had inadvertently taken the conversation in the direction he'd wanted to himself. He felt a little uncomfortable knowing that Christian could hear every word but he knew that Syed had to open up and Christian had to hear him. In telling himself this, he was reassuring himself... but he didn't want his brother to hate him for doing it.
"So what made you do it Syed? I mean I guess I know…but what triggered you that night, not just to drink…but to take the pills?"
Syed leant back heavily on the sofa, the same sofa Qadim had tried to kill him on…the same sofa he was standing beside when his mother had thrown that mug against the wall in disgust, after he'd told her how it felt for him to make love to a woman. Why did he ever think that she would understand? She'd told him once that he would never be alone as long as she was around. She should have said 'unless you're gay pappu...then you can rot in hell outside of your families and Allah's love.'
He ran his fingers roughly through his hair, talking about this was so difficult for him. He'd had to with Allen. Allen, his futile attempt at degaying. But he'd somehow managed to detach himself with him once he'd seen how useless it was, which hadn't taken long. When he'd spoken to Allen it was almost as if he was talking about someone else. But now, opening up to Tam it churned around inside him, all the pain and guilt that he'd tried to block was resurfacing, with Tam he couldn't detach himself… and he owed his brother…he could see Tamwar was frightened for him and needed this reassurance.
Eventually he swallowed down the sick feeling that remembering always brought him and he tried to answer,
"It was a lot of things Tam….the guilt was too much…for you, Christian, for mum and dad…what I'd done to them….to Amira…but I tried to blank it out…not think about it but it was always there….crashing in waves that I couldn't control any more. Nothing I could do would make it better and everything made it worse. Just me 'being' made everything worse. Seeing me repulsed my mother and the disappointment was always there in dad's eyes, always there when he looked at me…" Syed swallowed back the emotion that threatened to spill over again.
"I couldn't look at him, it was almost better when he blanked me in the street, at least then I didn't have to see that bitter disappointment always in his eyes."
"I'm sorry Syed…"
"Don't be Tam, you were the only one who was on my side…and I will never…" and he paused to touch his brother on the arm to be sure he understood…
"I will never ever forget that and I will never scare you like I did again…I promise. You have been the best brother I could have wished for in all this."
Syed didn't add that another reason for pressing the self destruct button had been that he'd seen his younger brother being pulled in two by it all and he'd hated to be the reason for that. He really was hurting all the people he cared most about.
Tamwar brushed at a tear that threatened to betray his attempt at cool brotherly reserve, an unconvincing front to cover his bashfulness. He didn't take compliments easily and would have preferred to make a witty retort. But for once his quick wit failed him….
"So when you bought the um... vodka? You didn't plan..."
Syed smiled, he knew how uncomfortable Tamwar was with praise or even displays of affection.
"Oh yes...the vodka, the day I got it... I'd been to the mosque that morning….it had been a rough week..."
He grinned at his own spectacular understatement, " There'd been the incident in the pub."
Christian's ear pricked up again…and he felt ashamed, ashamed that he'd let Roxy pull Syed to pieces like that, but he'd felt rooted to the spot unable to move, let alone talk…but he wished he had. He rested his head against the wall as he shut his eyes to listen to something he didn't want to hear but knew he should…he didn't want to hear Syed say how much that had hurt him.
"What happened? What did Roxy say to you?" Tamwar only knew parts of the incident.
Syed hunched forward and clasped his hands together …he didn't want to talk about it…relive it… that was obvious and it made him uneasy. He clasped and unclasped his hands repeatedly before stutteringly at first, starting to recall the events for his brother.
"I hadn't wanted to go inside…in case..." Syed cleared his throat nervously…why was it still so hard to talk about him?
"...In case I saw…him."
Syed remembered Tamwar chastising him once before for not being able to say his name…so he finished,
" Christian... in case I saw Christian,"
There he'd said it twice.
" But I was afraid if I didn't get the market stall sorted there and then I'd miss my chance, so I went inside….and I was relieved at first...he wasn't there…Roxy was giving me daggers but at least he wasn't there…but then he came out…."
In the hallway Christian swallowed…he was back in that moment …back with Syed….and he remembered how he'd felt when he saw him. That mixture of love , and hurt, wanting to see him but feeling that gut wrenching pain whenever he did.
The last time they'd actually spoken, properly spoken, he'd been awful to him, called him a coward…mocked his faith and spat coldly in his ear that he never wanted to see him again. He'd been so angry because Syed had seen him in the street that morning, seen his bruises and yet he'd walked by…nothing. Whatever he'd expected it hadn't been that it and it hurt, really hurt… and he'd wanted to hurt him back.
Syed was talking again…and Christian panicked, he'd been so lost in his own thoughts he was afraid he'd missed something and now he wanted to hear it all. It was as if Syed had been reading his own thoughts though,
"The last time we'd spoken was when… you know …when our parents saw me outside his flat... but I'd seen him in the street that morning.
Tam if only I hadn't made that promise to dad the day before, before I knew he was hurt….but I'd made it when I was still angry with him and I had to keep it. I thought I hated him for what he'd done to our family…to Amira...I thought I never wanted to see him again. When I came back all I wanted was to heal my family, to put right the damage I'd done to them. So I gave dad back the Qur'an he gave me…his grandfather's Qur'an, the most precious thing he could pass on to me. For me to pass onto my children. Because he was so proud of me Tam. So many times I'd hoped he would be proud of me and the only two times he's actually said it I knew I didn't deserve it."
As Tamwar listened he thought of the times he'd been proud of his brother just recently, not just at the party. Proud of him for going to the mosque when he knew he'd be treated badly and shunned. Proud of him for coming back to face his family and everyone else when the easiest thing would have been to stay away. Proud of him too when he'd handed back that Qur'an to his father. Proud of him for just being Syed. Tamwar himself had been pretty rotten to him when he first came back but Syed had never held it against him. Why could his parents only see him through his sexuality and why did that make them love him less?
Syed carried on,
"...So I gave it back with my promise that I would earn it one day. I gave him my promise that I wouldn't even talk to Christian. But then you told me he'd been hurt and all my anger with him fell away as if it had never existed…and I wanted to go to him…but how when I'd just promised that? When you left Tam I sat there for hours just wanting to go to him. But I had to get mum home first. You didn't see her Tam what I'd done to her, she was broken, scrabbling about in the street, in the rain, crying, her clothes, suitcase all thrown into the road. "
"You didn't do it to her Syed and I did see you, when she did it to you..."
Syed bit back the self pity he hated so much and any thoughts that he had actually deserved what his mother had done to him. Time, reflection, talking about it even if only on the superficial level he allowed himself with Allen, was slowly persuading him that he'd never deserved that. He was the way God had made him, he'd tried everything he knew to be the person so many people expected him to be, but lying to himself was turning him into someone he just didn't want to be any more. He could never turn his back on his faith, it was him...or on his family...he'd always love them, but somehow he had to hold onto that whilst accepting the complete person he was and that there was nothing he or anyone could do to change it. He'd come a long way and although he still didn't know how he would do it; he could only take it one day at a time and hope for some acceptance. But with no Christian he was in no hurry. The relief in his own mind though, once he was finally beginning to truly accept, not just that he couldn't not be gay, but that he couldn't hide that part of himself for anyone, was immense. Once he began to accept it privately, it made everything else seem possible. Difficult, painful but possible.
Syed brought the conversation back to Christian,
"...But when I'd seen him in the street….his poor beaten face…all I wanted to do was go to him, like I'd done before. You didn't know Tam, but in the summer he was hurt …a man…he beat him up. I went to him and I should have this time but my promise to dad stopped me and so I walked past…If I could change it now I would…even as I did it I was ashamed, but I did. I walked past him…and I hated myself…I hated myself so much…"
Syed had to stop, he was fighting back tears now and his voice broke a little as he tried to speak.
The tears had started to fall down Christian's cheeks…..he wanted to go in and say it was ok…that he forgave him …to hug him and tell him that he understood now.
Syed took the drink that Tamwar offered him and managed to compose himself enough to continue. Tamwar smiled his encouragement, he'd had some doubts he was doing the right thing but not now. Syed needed to say this and Christian needed to hear him. He'd been about to ask Syed if he wanted a coffee but then he'd have to go out of the room...Syed might rumble that Christian was there, or the pause might give Syed a chance to shut off again and Tamwar wouldn't risk it. He knew he was using Syed's concern for him but he had to.
"So...we had that family meeting when dad said he would take mum back, when he told me he'd never understand what I chose to do. He looked right at me and talked about shame and dishonour, pain and disgrace...all caused by me and then he held me to my promise...but I couldn't leave it like that with Christian Tam. The way he'd looked at me when I walked past him. I had to tell him I was sorry…at least I could do that…."
"And you did?"
Syed nodded…"Well I tried, he was angry, of course he was. I didn't blame him…expected it...but I'd never seen him like that, there was a coldness, a finality in what he said to me. I knew he meant it…he never wanted to see me again and why would he?…I just meant hurt and disappointment to him….and I always would…"
As Christian relived that night he remembered how he'd sunk down on the floor as soon as Syed had left, he hadn't even gone back upstairs just slid down on the other side of the closed door and cried his heart out. The only positive thing that had come out of Qadim's evil beating was that at least he might have saved Syed from the same...but he'd just administered his own verbal beating instead and he'd seen the hurt he was inflicting as each word had hit their target.
But it was what he'd wanted...wasn't it? He'd meant his words to sting after all, for Syed to feel some of his pain, but he'd nearly come undone when he'd seen how well he'd succeeded. Syed had looked crushed, totally broken. But this had to be it, the end…however hard it was. Christian had eventually made it upstairs and stayed alone in his flat and not gone after him. He'd had to be strong but as he heard Syed talk about it he wished he'd never said any of it. As he heard the pressure, the tremendous guilt that Masood had put on his son and yet he'd still come to see him his anger for Masood grew. It was always there just beneath the surface, he hadn't forgotten how he'd left him that night. As he understood Syed more he knew that his anger at been directed at the wrong person that night.
"That was unlucky that mum and dad saw you….perfect Masood timing…." Tamwar remarked.
Syed grinned ruefully,
"Yeah, it's not just Wasim Jaja who has 20/20 vision…."
And he mimicked his mother perfectly, it was uncanny how close it sounded. So close it sent shivers down Christian's spine at the idea of her coming in now and finding him there in her house. But he laughed to himself despite that, when he remembered Syed calling for him one morning last year and perfectly aping Zainab's bossy voice, "Time waits for no man Christian..." He grinned at that memory. There were some good ones too in amongst the bad.
If he could go back to then Christian thought, right to the beginning, that morning of Bushra's party…would he change anything? He didn't even have to think…no he wouldn't, he wouldn't swap having loved Syed…still loving Syed... for anything. Yes he might do things differently with hindsight but anyone would say that. But he couldn't wish for it never to have happened. To have never felt this love. To have had Syed love him.
"Have you really forgiven him?" Tam asked, trusting that he knew his brother well enough to be sure of the answer. Syed looked up quizzically but then instantly understood.
"I didn't think I could, not for the way it happened...for the pain and humiliation it caused Amira...our family...but yes I have. Even if Qadim hadn't..."
Thinking about what Qadim did to Christian hurt Syed...not being there when it happened, knowing that Christian blamed him for it...he didn't finish the sentence, some things he just couldn't talk about, even for Tam.
He moved his thoughts away from Qadim and his henchmen...
"...Anyway that day...the day of the party, I'd promised Christian I'd tell everyone. I've had to look so many people in the eyes Tam and lie to them, hide a part of me from them and each time it was slowly killing me a little bit more. And I didn't want to look into my child's face and do the same. I knew what I had to do and so I told him.
I'd never promised him that before because before I knew couldn't have done it. I did try once... to break off my engagement to Amira but when I tried...I went to tell her, she was so excited about the Queen Vic competition. But she sensed something, she said me she was worried I didn't want her any more, she told me she couldn't bare that, she told me that she loved me so much and I...I just couldn't hurt her. I'd made her love me, it was my fault she needed me... and yet what I did was a thousand times worse. Back then I really believed I could do it...love her I mean. So Christian and I ended it but somehow a few weeks later...we...we were together again...I was so torn...so I went to see the Imam..."
Tamwar's mouth dropped open, he was shocked...out in the hallway so was Christian. Syed had never told him that...he wished he had...that had taken courage and more than that a resolve from Syed to try and make them work. He wished he'd known. He wondered exactly when it had been and why Syed hadn't told him.
"You went to the Imam ... about this?"
Syed nodded, Tamwar was incredibly proud of his brother just then, he knew exactly what that must have taken to do.
"What did he say to you?"
Syed's head dropped remembering the disappointment.
"I told him about these websites..."
"You should stay away from websites Syed..."
They both grinned .
"I told him about these websites where I'd read about gay Muslims who had found a way to reconcile their sexuality with their faith...I also found a lot more that...well let's just say there's a lot of hate and ignorance out there too...anyway he told me I had once choice..I had to pray...that I had to concentrate on my fiancé and not shame my family. It was the only path...Pray! What did he think I'd been doing ever since I first realised I might be gay..." Syed spat the last words out, it wasn't like him to sound so bitter.
"So when did you first realise you might be gay I did wonder...?"
Christian had never asked Syed this, he'd wondered too but their
time together had always been so limited, he'd often avoided asking questions that might lead to any tension between them.
"At school...there was a teacher..."
"So you always had a thing for older men then? "Tamwar laughed...
Syed grinned back at him..."I'll have you know Christian is not old..."
Outside Christian glowed inside, it was little thing but he loved to hear Syed defend him, even if it had just been a throwaway comment from Tam.
"Anyway I felt strange whenever this teacher was near me... my first crush I suppose...he wasn't gay or anything, at least I don't think he was...but I felt about him like all the other guys said they felt about the new French Mistress. I was different because I fancied the maths teacher... and he was a man."
Tam giggled, "That's why you're so good at maths then."
Syed rolled his eyes. "Of course I hid it by flirting with every girl that showed any interest..."
Tam nodded, it was true Syed had never been short of female admirers.
"So what happened?"
"Nothing...I mean I hoped it would pass...I read that guys can go through that...I didn't think Allah would play such a cruel trick on me so I just hoped the feelings would go away. But I started praying all the time, praying to be normal...I was so scared of how I felt Tam..all the time... but I learned to hide it. I thought I'd go to Hell for having these thoughts. I never acted on them until much later ...a few times...nothing really, one night stands that I felt so ashamed of the next day. It's only been when I'm with Christian that it hasn't felt like something sinful...with him it became something beautiful...only I couldn't tell him that...not until it was too late...but loving Christian made me want to question a God that says that being in love when it feels like that, is wrong. I've been so confused, I am Muslim...I want to be a good Muslim but I want to love Christian too..."
Christian's heart went out to Syed and he'd heard all he needed to go rushing in and reassure him. The way they'd been feeling hadn't really been so far apart. Just as he'd made up his mind to stand up and interrupt them, Tamwar asked Syed something that he desperately wanted to hear. Christian never fully understood what had changed between them that day.. From talking about their new life to Syed coming over and saying he wasn't enough? He could guess but he wanted to hear.
"So the day um... the day of the party...you'd made up your mind?"
"I let him down...I'd promised him but I let him down..."
"But why Syed...if you were so sure ...what happened?"
Syed hesitated...they were Tam's parent's too,
"I was going to tell them, but they knew...I heard them talking...about me...the disgrace...the shame, but I still knew what I had to do. But they sat me down...dad telling me that I owed it to Amira...my baby... as a man. I told them I couldn't because I loved someone else...I told them it was my choice...but then after, when I was sitting alone with Kamil mum told me I could either save our family or destroy it. When I was with Christian I knew what was right...but there being with Kamil...knowing what I was about to do...it felt so selfish...yes I might be happy, Christian might be happy, but how many other lives was I destroying? Could I live outside of my faith, my family...hurt you all...hurt Amira...abandon my baby and Amira to the shame. Everything that had seemed so clear a few hours before...suddenly it was all a mess again."
Tamwar knew what had happened after that...at the party...all the square knew that,
"So after...after it all happened...where did you go Syed? …those days after the party...you never told me…"
Something else Syed didn't want to talk about, but in a way this was cathartic, he'd held it in for so long, locked inside…it actually felt good to talk about it to Tam and Tam needed to know, so this time Syed held nothing back,
"I had nowhere to go…the flat, it was all too raw…too full of Amira, her pain and what I'd done to her... I could still hear her crying, screaming at me that it wasn't true, pleading with me. There'd been too much damage Tam and it was her place not mine…everything in it was her…so I just walked...most of the night I just walked…I was too numb to care what happened anymore…it must've been hours ... it was starting to get light…I found a bench near the river…I just sat there staring at nothing. When I started to walk again my feet were burning, damn party shoes! I had so many blisters… I looked for somewhere to go and I realised I knew where I was. I'd sold some apartments nearby and a guy I worked with lived in one. I waited a few hours and I called on him. I was lucky, he was going away for a few days but he let me stay. No questions. I think he guessed some of it…he's gay too, I found out by accident when he'd forgotten to lock his office door once..."
Tamwar looked surprised and Syed grinned.
"Sorry Tam, too much information! But he gave me some lucrative contracts after that in case I told anyone. I didn't ask him to but I couldn't turn that down."
Christian was highly amused by this little bit of gossip from Syed's past while Tamwar looked half impressed but also a little shocked that his brother had used it to his advantage.
Syed caught the look and laughed, he couldn't deny he had an ambitious streak,
"Hey I didn't ask him Tam! I'd be the last person to tell anyone! Actually I wonder if Qadim would like to know that he benefited from that liaison too, one of those contracts made him a lot of money..."
This was a little of the old cocksure Syed returning, but it was tempered now, by maturity and by life. The Masood boys quickly dismissed any the ideas of ringing Qadim with this information and Syed returned to where he'd got to,
" So that's why it seemed like a good idea to call on this guy...I might not have to explain too much. He had no idea I was gay though, well not before, but I told him then. At least I knew he couldn't judge me. He's married, has a wife and family somewhere up north and stays in London during the week. And he didn't judge, just let me stay there. I was so grateful.
So for two days I just hung around there…walking, thinking, going back there. But after two days he came back early. He brought some food and we talked…about everything else but what had happened, people we worked with…his family…he didn't ask me too much which was fine by me."
Syed stopped and looked down, something had happened. Tamwar could tell…so could Christian….he held his breath...he didn't want to hear this….he'd never pictured Syed with anyone else…not a man anyway….it wasn't something he allowed himself to consider….in all their breakups…it just wasn't something he'd thought about…now sitting here thinking about another man touching Syed… the jealousy burned hot inside him.
It seemed like forever before Syed swallowed and broke the long silence before continuing. Christian hardly breathed as he listened, his head thrown back against the wall...eyes closes, wanting to shut it out but needing to hear.
"In the night I was sleeping… I thought I was dreaming but he'd come into my room Tam, climbed into my bed…at first I wasn't fully awake…I thought it was Christian…I was dozing…. but it felt good, I wanted him there...".
Syed stopped and gulped as he realised what he'd been saying and who was listening…poor Tam…when it had happened, when he'd been dreaming that it was Christian climbing in beside him , touching him, caressing him making him actually want to feel alive again... when he dreamed it was Christian …he could have cried with happiness. As angry as he was with him still, in his dreams it all evaporated. But all too soon he became aware that something was wrong...and he'd woken with a start... the smell of him, the clumsy fumbling, nothing about him was Christian…it was all wrong and Syed had pushed him off him angrily.
No….no…no!….Christian's train of thoughts had taken him as far as Syed's and it made him sick…sick and angry…he shut his eyes as the nausea swept through him at the images of another man...anyone else touching Syed the way he should...he wanted to run from them…another man's hands on his body….Syed responding to another man's touch...no!but gradually Syed's words filtered though again and calmed him.
" Sorry Tam ...I didn't mean...um anyway...when I realised...well...I'd wanted it to be Christian and when it wasn't I just pushed him away and left…he'd been angry at first said it was what I wanted and what did I expect? I'd expected a friend...just a friend, he apologised…said I should stay, told me he thought it would help…take my mind off things…but I couldn't stay…I told him I'd go home but I knew I couldn't do that either, I still couldn't do that."
"I wish you had. So what did you do Syed? You still didn't come home that night."
"I just walked again…it was like time didn't matter…I sat in parks…when night came it was raining, I was soaked and I found an old warehouse...I was so cold, I hoped it was empty….I couldn't see anything…it reeked Tam, of everything you can think of and worse…and there were people in there… I could hear shuffling and coughing, I think I tripped on someone…I just found a corner and huddled up there hoping they'd ignore me… I just curled up against the wall staying quiet and as still as I could, all night, afraid if I moved someone would come over, notice me…talk to me. At least I was out of the rain. I couldn't sleep though...I didn't want to...it was awful in there...all night I just sat staring...remembering ... thinking it was all I deserved...and all the time I was just too afraid to sleep.
But sometime in the night, my eyes had adjusted and I could make things out... someone did come over...I was just staring blankly and suddenly he was there, first just a shape and then I could make it out as a man, he was unsteady like he was drunk and he kept coming closer, staring right at me..."
Syed stopped talking, letting out an involuntary shiver at the memory, the fear he'd felt...was that where it would end for him? But even as he remembered he noticed the look on his brothers' face. It really was quite comical. It wasn't meant to be, but when he was concentrating hard, probably envisaging what Syed was describing, Tamwar always screwed up his face and it didn't matter how serious the conversation, Syed always found it really comical and very endearing. As Tamwar leaned closer and imagined the dank gloom of the warehouse and a stranger's eyes staring at him though the darkness, Syed suddenly went,
"Boo! "
And poor Tamwar fell backwards off his chair. For the first time in a long time both brothers laughed…really laughed…well Tam did after he got over the shock and accepted the helping hand Syed held out for him
Outside in the hall, Christian ached to be a part of it. It took him back to the moment he'd turned up at the hospital and he'd seen Syed and Tamwar larking about. He should have felt relieved that Syed was ok…he did feel relieved but he also felt something else…excluded…excluded from his life. Maybe he had no right to feel anything else right then…he'd outed him when he wasn't ready, told him he never wanted to see him again, called him a gutless coward…stood there and let Roxy humiliate him and blame him…but all that fell away…all he'd wanted to do when he heard he'd taken those pills was scoop him up and make it all go away…take him away somewhere safe and make it all better. He hadn't thought it through….he just hadn't thought how he would feel if someone else was with him...anyone….what had he even hoped...that Syed's family didn't care enough to be there after he'd tried to kill himself? Of course not…he shook his head thinking about it…but he had hoped that they could talk...be together…but the family was always there…in the way.
Syed laughed again, almost a giggle, it was music to Christian's ears to hear it and he had laughed with Christian…when they'd been alone in the unit or at Christian's flat, many times they'd tumbled around or just done stupid attention seeking things, playful stuff that often ended…. …well, Christian smirked to himself…lots of things ended that way with them. God he missed him. They'd been beautiful, perfect times and Christian's heart missed it so much it physically hurt. One of Christian's favourite things that Syed unconsciously did was when he was too overcome in the moment he'd say words, mouth them, but they didn't always come out. His eyes often said for him what he was struggling to voice. Or you'd get half a word so okay became 'kay. He always seemed so utterly vulnerable then but also so utterly cute. It was Syed laid bare...the cockiness, the brashness all stripped away. He was a glorious puzzle who never stopped surprising him, just not always the way he wanted him too.
Christian realised that the brothers were talking again
"Ok so now you've scared the pants out of me Syed, tell me about the tramp..".
"Well I think I must have looked like a frightened rabbit...at least I didn't look like I had anything worth stealing or something because he just looked at me, shrugged and walked away. He might have just wanted to talk...all I knew was that I didn't.
In the morning, in the daylight...I'm not sure what I'd even been so scared of...there were still people huddled up, sleeping under cardboard boxes but it just looked sad. Bleak.
I was so stiff from sitting there but I had made my mind up to go home...to try and mend things. I knew I wouldn't be welcome but I had to try and I didn't want to run away. I'd turned my phone off when I'd first left and I checked it...it was mainly messages from you...one from that guy at the flat...and some from Christian...sorry Tam I wasn't ready to hear them before. I deleted Christian's without listening to them. I didn't want to hear it, I was still too angry with him. But I listened to yours and I knew then I was right to go home. Thanks Tam"
Tam was heartened that his message had hastened Syed's return home."I was glad you did. I was so worried...worried that you might have even... "Tamwar always found it hard to mention Syed's suicide attempt so he left the sentence hanging..." but then you did...why Syed?...I need to know so I know you won't do it again." Although Tamwar had started this by drawing Syed out for his brothers sake , he did need to know that.
But Syed was reluctant, "Tam you don't want to hear all this..." That was also Syed speak for I don't want to go there.
"Syed please I do… I want to know it all…"
Syed really didn't want to…Tam might find compliments hard to take but Syed found opening up about himself almost impossible…this was so hard for him …but he'd started this and he wanted to reassure Tam that he'd got through the worst…even if in his heart he wasn't completely sure… but he owed Tam the truth of what happened that night.
"When our parent's saw me, outside Christian's, they looked at me like I was dirt on their shoe, and that's how I felt…like something too unclean to bring into the house…I'd broken my promise to them…Christian hated me, blamed me …I felt so worthless …I spent the night crying and praying…I broke my prayer beads…"
Tamwar looked shocked…
"Not on purpose Tam I was holding them, praying, I don't know…they broke…"
They both stopped for a drink….
"So the job, we talked about you getting a job and I know you tried?"
"Well don't tell mum, not that I could sink any lower in her eyes, but I asked Janine for a job in the bookies…"
Tam looked shocked…then laughed...Christian expressions out in the hallway exactly mirrored Tam's.
"I wouldn't have bet myself …" Syed assured him. And Christian wanted to hug him he sounded so earnest.
"Even so can you imagine mum's face…Janine and the bookies?"
The brothers both laughed at that idea.
"But Charlie and some others started gossiping, I thought it was about me and I lost it a bit…didn't get the job…so I went for the market stall idea, turns out the guy wanted a mobile phone stall so I saw my chance…"
"But Roxy put paid to it…"
"Yeah…"
Syed was back there… when Christian came out from the back…the moment his mouth had gone dry and he'd wanted to be anywhere else but in the Queen Vic.
"I'd hoped Christian wouldn't be working but he came out and saw me...I think he was going to serve us but Roxy stopped him…that's when she …when she told the whole pub that I was to blame for what happened to Christian, that she wouldn't serve me…I just ran out, I couldn't stay there.."
Christian sat still…he had wished so many times he'd gone after him, he wasn't even sure why he hadn't, maybe he just couldn't stomach another rejection...but he knew Syed had been wounded by Roxy's harsh words and he knew they were unfair. The market manager had finished his drink and gone and Christian had wondered at Syed drinking with him and wanting a stall. He'd guessed things couldn't be good at home. Him seeing Syed wouldn't have helped that though, but still he wished he's gone after him. He'd thought about it, about nothing else, but something always stopped him.
Syed was anxious to get this finished now…it was getting too uncomfortable. He looked at Tam hoping he'd heard enough but Tam just looked back expectantly so again, reluctantly, he continued.
"The next day I went to the mosque, some men jostled me and stood in my way…Nadim told them to let me pass and they did but I could feel all their eyes on me…their judgement…their condemnation…I went inside and even when I was praying they were looking at me with contempt. I could hear thier I left I thanked Nadim but he told me I should go to another mosque. Tam it's my mosque, they can't tell me not to go inside…it's my mosque Tam…"
Tamwar was regretting making Syed continue, he could see how deeply upset he was getting…Christian too wanted him to stop now….he'd had no idea about the mosque. He was surprised Syed had even gone there after what happened. His guts were churning as his anger surged thinking about the men who had treated Syed like that. Didn't they understand how he'd tried to stay true to his faith? Didn't they understand he couldn't change who he was? And why the hell should he? He wasn't hurting anyone? He wanted to charge down there and confront them all…how dare they judge Syed?….the hypocrites!…he knew Syed would never judge anyone so harshly, would never hurt anyone deliberately…he just wanted to go in and tell him this but once again Syed's voice interrupted his thoughts…
"...So I came back and found your note, the money and the picture…it meant a lot Tam…I just needed to see you, talk to someone who didn't want to spit at me. But dad came out of the house….he told me not to expect to see him around….Tam it felt just like the last time…only without the anger, he even asked if I was eating properly, but that made it worse...he just didn't want to see me …and so... so..I bought the vodka.
I just wanted it all to stop…I wanted to forget everything just for a night…stop it all…I thought the drink would do that…I promise Tam, I was only going to get drunk...just one night of not having to think about anything…just switch it off. And I was getting there too…at first it wasn't working so I drank more and more but the doorbell went.
I don't know how I made it down the stairs because as soon as I stood up the room wouldn't stop spinning, but I actually felt pretty good...I didn't even care who it was.
It was Roxy…she wouldn't drink with me though…I even thought she might have come to say sorry…"
Syed laughed, a hollow mocking laugh, at his own stupidity for expecting that.
" She'd come to talk about Christian," Syed's spirits had lifted momentarilly when he'd thought she might even say he wanted to see him.
"... she told me how it was hurting him to see me around…knocking him back, he wasn't eating, laughing going out. It's funny the next day when I saw him when I was coming home from the hospital he was laughing...going out too, guess he got over me quicker than she thought he would."
Syed blinked away a threatened tear as he remembered seeing them, just before he'd reached home to find his things thrown into the street...his mother setting them alight, and not just his clothes but his possessions, treasured things from his childhood.
Outside in the hallway Christian was shocked to hear that Syed had seen him that night. It hadn't meant anything, he hadn't moved on. It was just a way of getting Roxy off his back, getting Zainab out of his system and just trying to forget Syed. But it hadn't worked. God he wished he hadn't seen him though...not then, not anytime but not then. He had so much he wanted to explain to him.
Tamwar looked sad, " Roxy's an interfering busybody."
"I suppose she was looking out for Christian...I just wanted her to go...her shrill ugly voice telling me I should get out..leave Walford... telling me there was nothing here for me...just going on and on..asking me why I was still here when there was nothing left for me..."
Christian held his head in his hands, she hadn't told him all this…
Tamwar shook his head…"I'll never drink orange in there again…she had no right…."
Syed laughed, "You and me both. Not that I'm welcome but I never ever want to go inside that place again…"
It hurt Christian to hear that, he couldn't blame him but it was where he worked, hearing Syed say that showed how far apart they'd got. Not so long ago and yet it felt like forever, they'd held hands in there…Christian had been elated when Syed hadn't pulled away from him in such a public place, had held his hand but now he couldn't even bare to go inside the place.
"You know when mum said that to you...?"
Tamwar knew this was dangerous territory…it had remained unspoken between them but he wanted Christian to know..to hear it too.
"You know I heard her telling you...after..you know...when you were recovering...I heard her telling you that it would have been better if dad had never found you, better if you'd died..."
Syed looked up shocked and then buried his face in his hands at a memory he wanted to forget, he stifled a sob so he never heard the gasp from Christian.
Christian had thought he'd seen the worst of Zainab...On Syed's wedding day screaming at him, hitting him, and on the day Syed came home from hospital throwing his things out onto the street...burning them he later found out. But this? He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
In the front room the brothers were embracing. Tamwar had instantly regretted dredging it up when he saw Syed's reaction, how those unforgivable words still wounded him and he'd and had reached out to him in a physical way that his normal reticence would have prevented. Syed was the hugger, the tactile one, Tamwar always thought about it too much and the moment would pass. Here there was no thinking, His brother needed him.
"Syed I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have reminded you..."
Syed was calming down..."It's ok...I promised you I'd tell you everything, I was so groggy when she said it. I'd seen dad... but I didn't know you had heard too...she told me after she didn't mean it Tam..."
Christian hadn't thought it was possible to hate Zainab more than he already did...if she walked through the door right now he honestly thought he might kill her.
Christian couldn't sit there any longer. He'd never understood Syed as well as he did right now. All he wanted to do now was hold him and tell him that and that he loved him.
Tamwar thought he heard Christian moving, worried he had no time left he asked Syed,
"So have you decided anything for sure now?"
Syed looked serious...
"Yes I have, one thing I do know..."
"What's that Syed?"
"That I can't not love him... Christian."
"Then why don't you tell him Syed?"
"I can't...because...because...he doesn't care any more...He's moved on Tam..."
"No...he hasn't...he tried but he found he couldn't..."
...and Christian grinned as he walked into the room, the grin was in response to Syed's shocked expression and his clumsy way of expressing his feelings. He completed his sentence...
"...because he found that he couldn't not love you either..."
Syed was dumbstruck…it was Christian... and he was right there in front of him, rea,l a living breathing mass of tissues and feelings...just like him. Syed realised he'd been setup. Christian must have been outside all the time they'd been talking.
When Syed could pull his eyes away from him he looked questioningly at Tamwar…no anger…he wasn't angry ... if there was one person in the world right now that he would have wished to be there... well he was.
Tam touched his brother lightly on the shoulder..
"I'm going to leave you two...to talk..." and he quietly left the room.
When they were alone suddenly neither knew what to say. Syed spoke first but the words were out before he'd properly thought them through.
"Why are you here?"
Christian shook his head, amused at him,
"Because I love you, fool..."
And he pulled Syed towards him, their lips crashing together hungrily and yet tenderly, exploring... rediscovering... loving and forgiving each other everything.
"I'm not a fool..."
"You are...we both are..."
The kissing barely stopped but occasionally they did to wonder at each other, the fact they were together...the fact that they'd ever let themselves be apart.
"So long as that's clear then...we both are..."
"Mmmm... mmm whatever you say Sy..."
In a little break for air Syed stood his ground, "You're a bigger fool than I am..."
"Mmmm... how so Sy? "Christian would have agreed to anything just then, God Syed was stubborn though, still he was intrigued.
"Steroids..."
And it was there, that laugh...that adorable' gotcha' smile all over...
Christian didn't have to tell him, ' yeah you have'...This time Syed knew.
"And I told you that I'm 100% organic, gm free beef and well you know it!"
This time it was Syed's turn to mumble 'Mmmm,' rather than break the kiss, but then abruptly he did and he pulled away.
"Christian we have to stop!"
Christian got an all too familiar sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He hardly dared ask.
"Why Sy?" his face betrayed his worst fears.
Syed looked guilty
"I have to do something."
"What?"
The look on Syed's face was a combination of bashful and adorable all at the same time.
"I have to thank Tamwar...for...for...bringing you back to me."
The relief flowed through Christian, they'd been through so much and for a brief moment he'd seen it all slip away again.
"It can wait...come back to mine..."
Syed already planned to.
As they left the Masood' s hand in hand, Syed resolved,
"I'll thank him first thing in the morning..."
Christian wasn't happy..."No...you won't...you'll do it second thing." and they both grinned at his meaning.
Half way across the street Christian stopped and faced Syed, cupping his face gently in his hands,
"From now on Sy, promise me, whatever happens, from now on...we're in this together?"
Syed didn't need to answer, it was written all over his face, but the strength of the emotions he was feeling had taken away his powers of speech. He did eventually manage half a word, just the one syllable and it was the only one Christian needed to hear.
"... 'kay."
They'd take it one day at a time, but they'd take each day together from now on...wherever it lead them.