Fanfiction of Looking for Alaska
Ever since Mom's forever gone, I've come to grow not dependent myself. I sat in bed, leaning on the bedhead and viewing everyone's blessing messages on my phone.
''Hey, congrats, big day tomorrow!''
''Miles, good luck in Alabama!''
''Yo, bro, I'm gonna miss you in Florida.''
It went on and on, but I honestly felt nothing. I only replied ''thx'' to every one of them. Big day tomorrow? Well, it may seem big for them, for those who've been living with any of their family. But for me? It only felt like another day tomorrow to head for Culver Creek Boarding school in Alabama.
Checking Facebook, seeing those pictures of my high school mates' dads and moms hugging and helping get the luggage in cars doesn't make me feel anything, not anymore.
The small dorm bathroom didn't seem unfamiliar for me, comparing with my old one way back home. The shower was just fine, but only the mirror kind of bothered me. As I finished my first shower at Culver Creek, I stood right before the mirror, and thought how much it reminded me of being fit but not so athlete. I looked straight into the eyes of that not so tall, not so short, not so fat, not so skinny man in the mirror, and tipped around the flat chest and belly. ''You should get some muscles, right?'' I mumbled.
I walked out of the bathroom. ''Hot day huh! Good for showers'' came from some corner in the dorm room. As I was still searching where the voice came from, a hand cut in my sight. I looked up. There stood a tan man, with neat short hair, pretty much my height and in his sleeveless sporty shirt with a basketball team logo that I couldn't recognize. It sort of shocked me how much alike this guy right in front of me and that guy in the mirror looked. But there was one big difference: he'd got bit more muscles. Damn…
''Chip Martin. I mean…just the Colonel. You'll get to know why.'' He introduced. I shook the hand that'd been hanging in the air for probably more than 5 seconds.
''Miles, Miles Halter.'' I said. I really wished I'd have had my towel with me, not that he'd see my dick and bare butt, but that I really didn't want to stand around with a guy that athlete.
''No, I'm gonna call you… Pudge.'' The Colonel said to me, with a smirk.
''The Pudge? Why?''
''Well, everyone on my team's gotta have a nickname.''
''You're team? I'm on your…''
''Yeah, why not? Since we both live in the same room, you gotta be my bro.'' The Colonel didn't let me finish my sentence.
''Hey, Pudge, you wanna meet the rest of us later?''
''Umm…sure.''
''K then, go get dressed, dude. God…are you gonna hang that thing in front of me all day? You might be interested in showing, but I'm not interested in seeing. So please.''
So I quickly jumped in the shorts and a T-shirt. Finally.
We walked to Room 48, 7 rooms away from ours. Right on the door, there was a blue name sticker ''Alaska''. The Colonel knocked on the door once and opened it right next moment.
''Hey, Alaska, wanna grab some cigarettes after the…''
''You should thank God I'm just reading, not changing.'' The girl, who seemingly was called Alaska since no one else was in the room at the moment, was sitting in the bed, leaning her back on the bedhead (just like my favorite position). Alaska was reading an open book placed on her curled up knees, responding the Colonel without looking up at us.
''Well, damn…you're not changing!'' The Colonel joked back, with a laugh followed. Alaska burst into laughter as well, and she stood up from her bed as soon as she saw I was there, too.
''Ohh, I didn't know we have a guest here.'' Alaska looked at me, speaking to the Colonel with a slight smile on her. The glasses hung right on her nose bridge. For a moment, she probably wasn't aware that she was not reading but talking to us. Her beautiful blue eyes sparkled like tips of rocks shined through the river reflection under the light of stars. So beautiful, so calm. And her hair, messy brunette. The natural curls waved way down to her back and fell a bit onto her right shoulder to her breasts. She was in her very short, dark blue tank top, which showed most of her smooth skin and, the cleavage.
''Pudge, Alaska. Alaska, Pudge. He's going to hang out with us the rest of the years.'' The Colonel said to Alaska. As much as I didn't like anyone to decide anything for me, for that seemingly deep cleavage, I didn't talk back. I didn't realize the Colonel was actually talking to me until Alaska took off her glasses, turned around, headed to her jeans hung up on the cloth hanger, and reached down to the pocket to get one bill note.
''Eyy! Pudge! Are you listening?'' The Colonel seemed irritated.
''Huh? Yeah, what?'' I replied. The Colonel narrowed his eyes, smirked with one mouth corner reaching to his cheekbone.
''Were you…checking on Alaska?''
''Huh? Umm…no?''
''Ahh c'mon, I saw it.'' The Colonel whispered.
''No! I didn't…I mean…I did, but…'' Shit, I started to stutter.
''Relax, man. She's not my girlfriend. Plus, I don't think Alaska would mind that. But gotta tell you, buddy, Alaska is tough. She don't do relationships. Don't even think about it.'' Alaska chuckled to the jeans when the Colonel fisted my upper arm.
The fist didn't hurt me, but probably had hurt the Colonel, with my bones.
''Wait, you can't still be a virgin, can you?'' The Colonel asked out of blue while still pacifying the fist. ''Look at you, you blushing little bastard.'' The Colonel laughed again.
''Then we're gonna find a girlfriend for you, Pudge.'' Alaska turned and spoke to me. Smiled. Can't believe that was our first conversation.
We were standing at the Smoking Hole, smoking.
''What are we doing here?'' Takumi asked.
''Smoking.'' The Colonel answered.
''Yeah, obviously, and?'' Takumi rolled his eyes.
''Waiting.'' The Colonel answered again, still looking at some spot where the setting sun was.
''For?'' Takumi wondered. The Colonel quickly pointed to me with his lazy fingers. Takumi looked at me, raised one eyebrow at the same time I did.
''Lara, Pudge's girlfriend. Ahh, there she is!'' Alaska waved big to the coming girl.
We sat down at one rounded table at the cafeteria, chatting, mostly about the Weekday Warriors sitting a few tables away from us. I couldn't care less about the Weekday Warriors had done at the prank series last semester; however, since I was one of the team now, I should look participant, right?
''Look, the plan is'' the Colonel said, ''we're gonna prank them big, but after this pre-prank.'' Then the pre-prank explanation started on.
''This is like a suffering cycle, right? A labyrinth.'' Alaska all of a sudden let out. She looked down to fork the last broccoli on her plate, and lifted up her head, slowly. For one second, I thought Alaska was looking at me, but soon I realized she was just staring blank at somewhere behind me through the glass doors.
''What?'' I asked.
''It's just…we pranked them, they pranked back, and we got pissed. We pranked them back again, they got even more pissed, and then they pranked back. Back and forth. Like we can't get out of this shitty cycle.'' Alaska, for some unknown reason, answered with her usual slight smile on.
''Man, are you in or not?'' The Colonel turned to Alaska from Takumi and Lara.
''Yeah, yeah, I'm in, why not? Ha!'' Alaska laughed and looked back down at her plate again.
''Good!'' The Colonel turned back to Lara and Takumi, keeping on planning. I looked at Alaska. Her watery blue eyes, her soft and smooth skin, her fit arms, and her brunette waving hair. God, she's so beautiful. Her eyes went deep, but somehow a bit cold when she looked far like that. What is it? What is that look?
''Babe, wanna watch a film with me later, in my room?'' Lara turned to me. I guessed I knew what she meant. I mean, it's hard not to know, especially when a girlfriend had been playing footsie all the time right under the dining table.
Lara held my hand, I held back. Since when we were dating? I don't know. I really don't know. I supposed it just happened that way. We walked back to her room. My hands were sweating, not that I was nervous to lose my virginity. I just didn't know how to please a woman, sexually.
''Babe, are you nervous?''
''Nope!''
''But it feels like a flood on your hand.'' Lara chuckled.
''I'm just…I don't know…I've never had it before.''
''Yeah, I know. They've told me.'' Lara said it with a warm, cute smile on.
''What they told you this, too? God, they probably have told the whole world that I'm still a virgin.''
''Not the world. Just me. They only told me.''
''Well, I just don't…I wanna give you a very nice and romantic one, you know? But I don't know how.''
''It's okay, baby. I know what to do. I can teach you, don't worry. Or we can start easy first, step by step.''
''What do you mean 'step by step'?'' I wondered. She let out a snicker and pulled me into her room. Lara settled me down in her chair, knelt down and slowly parted my legs. She unbuttoned my short pants, sliding them all the way down and eventually off. ''Shit, is she going to…? What is it going to feel like? I mean, I sure know what it feels like to erupt. But I've only had it with my hands, not with a girl.'' It went a little crazy in my head.
I finished. She got up from the floor and went to the bathroom to clean her mouth. I got up from the chair, and pulled my pants on. We met each other at her bathroom door. After a kiss, we both said ''Night.'', and I went back to my room.
''How was it, huh?'' The Colonel asked with a huge smirk on right when I opened the door.
''Was…fine…I guess.''
''You guess? Dude, details, details!''
''Well, there's not much to say, though. She sucked my dick. That's all.''
''Only the sucking? You gotta be joking me! You should have pushed her down to bed and given her the best night ever! Man, I really don't know what you are thinking.'' The Colonel waved his palm around, and went back to his video game. I sat down on the cushion, joining in the game.
''I don't know. She said 'step by step'. I didn't know what it meant. And then she pushed me down to her chair, and then it happened. She took the lead most of the time.''
''You need some practices.''
''Yeah…but, it felt weird. Not that I didn't like Lara. I like her. She's adorable and has got a wonderful body for sure, but…something's missing. I don't know. I probably just think…I should wait till I find someone that I feel like giving my virginity to. Someone worth it.'' The Colonel bombed the castle, and we ran out before it collapsed.
''Don't tell Lara. Please.'' I put down the joy stick before I leaned back on the couch. The Colonel stared at me for quite long, and finally said ''K, then.''
That night, Alaska called me, asking me as what the Colonel had asked as soon as I got back to our room.
''Just fine.''
''Yeah? The Colonel told me. Ha ha ha!''
''What? He told you? What else did he tell you also, huh? That I wanna save my virginity? God, I shouldn't have trusted that son of…''
''Hey, hey, hey, cool down. He only told me you and Lara merely did the oral, not that…virginity thing? What about it?''
''Oh, nothing. Anyway, what're you doing?''
''Reading.''
''At such late night?''
''Yeah. Helps me sleep better.''
And we talked for almost two hours till we both felt tired and sleepy.
The pre-prank went quite successfully. I basically had to just run, like a shadow, and lit up the crackers along the route. The Eagle almost caught me and Takumi, but thank God, the freaking aggressive goose at the lake scrambled in and bit the Eagle's ass. Takumi and I passed by the lake and the Smoking Hole, all the way through the straw field behind the campus and to a tree cabin among a bunch of gigantic trees.
Takumi and I were 3 minutes and 27 second earlier than the estimated time. I've got to say that goose really helped a lot. But soon after, Alaska and Lara sneaked in. They had brought two and 1/3 bottles of vodka and a dozen of beer, to celebrate the possible triumph (even if we failed, we were going to drink them anyway). Around five minutes later, the Colonel hadn't come, yet. He'd been 2 and 56 seconds late (the Colonel demanded to follow the exact planned time), and we started to think we were doomed.
''Fuck that goose!'' The Colonel rolled in from the small wooden door that was nearly broken, when he was almost precisely 3 minute late.
''God, scare the shit out of me. Wait, goose? What goose? We thought it bit the Eagle.'' Takumi and I looked at each other, shockingly.
''Yeah, you two dumbasses got the goose kissing the Eagle's butt, which got a fucking big crowd of people coming to see and take pictures, and I was stuck in, God, that was close, but guess the crowd as well helps, though, otherwise the Eagle was gonna see me.'' The Colonel couldn't catch the breath, still couldn't. How fast did he run?
''Anyway, the Eagle didn't see me, and since any of you is not caught, you are not caught, right?'' We all shook our heads. ''Good, then I think we just made it!'' The Colonel raised one of the bottles, and we started to drink, celebrating.
We played the Best and the Worst Day at the cabin that night.
''Start from you Chip.'' Alaska pointed to the Colonel.
''Me? K, sure. Best day is the day I had my first taste of SEX!'' There was a weird smile emerging on the Colonel's face. ''Me and my high school sweetheart sneaked into girl's bathroom, and first we showered together, and then we started to caressed each other. I was standing behind her, and…'' The Colonel fell in the hole of his own memory.
''Da, da, da, da, da…Gosh…we don't wanna hear it!'' Takumi interrupted. The Colonel stopped, but I thought he only stopped on his mouth, not promising the head as well.
The Colonel continued ''Okay, okay. Worst day of my life is when I was in bed with this girl I met at the club. You won't believe how terrible that night was. She was fucking awful at sucking, you know?''
''Um, no, we don't. We don't know.'' I said.
''Best of my life,'' Lara started, ''is today.'' Her smile reached almost to her cheek bones. Adorable. ''Worst day of my life hasn't come, and I don't ever want it to come for sure.''
''Which is?'' Alaska asked.
''To break up with you.'' Lara turned to me, and looked straight into my eyes. Still smiling. Her eyes were dark brown. Though they were dark, they were not so dark and deep as Alaska's. I started flushing somehow.
''Oh God, somebody stop this cheesy couple.'' Takumi complained. We all laughed.
''Best day of my life is today. The whole pre-prank, the adventure at Culver Creek.'' I said.
''Worst day of my life is the day my mom passed away. The day I started to eat alone. The day I started to have no one to talk to when I came home. The day I started to tell myself to grow the fucking up. Don't even ask about my dad, 'cause I have no idea, either. He's gone since I was at the age of not remembering anything. Just me and my mom, abandoned. And now, it's just me, abandoned.'' I broke down. My sob burst out of my stomach, through my throat. I grabbed the bottle, trying to suppress whatever was bursting out of me back down to my stomach.
None of us said anything at the moment.
''You've got us, bro.'' The Colonel said to his bottle. The rest of us raised our bottles/cans, drank.
''Yeah, that's why it's the best day today.'' I beamed from the face full of tears.
We headed back for the campus. I had no idea how I managed to walk back since the hangover was pretty bad. But I was in my bed anyway. I probably had been dead asleep for the whole morning and the afternoon. I woke up and checked my phone. 5:49 PM. I jumped out of bed.
''I hoped you are up to have dinner, not to have the classes.'' The Colonel said, sitting on the edge of his bed. For one second I was going to ask the Colonel ''who are you''. As soon as I recognized his face, I sat back in bed, lifting my head on the forehead. Wow, this is called hungover.
The Colonel and I played the video game in our room before we went to bed. In bed, I couldn't sleep, probably because I'd been sleeping most of the day. I texted Alaska. ''Still up?''
''Yup.''
''Can I call?''
''Yeah, sure.'' Then I called her.
''What's up?'' She greeted.
''Can't sleep.''
''Ha! Too much of sleep today, huh?''
''Guess so. What are you up to?''
''Reading.''
''As usual, huh? Ha ha.''
''Yup. Hey, I'm sorry.''
''For?''
''For your mom.''
''Oh…it's fine. It's fine…It's… fine.'' I repeated more times than I expected.
''I know how it feels to be left behind. It's not fine. It sucks. As Hell.''
''You'd been left behind, too?''
''Yeah…by every single of them.''
''Them, who?''
''My ex-boyfriends. For any reason, I'm always the one who's left behind. They all left. Eventually.'' At the moment, she sounded complicated. Mostly cynical, a bit tired, a bit cold, with a slight of resentment, a sense of helplessness and a broken heart.
''It's just like a labyrinth, ya know? A labyrinth of suffering. You give one hundred percent of you out, but it always returns all broken.'' She broke down, just the way I did in the tree cabin. ''First they do all the sweet talking, and you feel like…like the world is so wonderful. Then you started to believe all their promises. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!''
''Stop.'' I said, gently.
''You love with all your heart, every time. Every. Fucking. Single. Time. But you're only giving them the power to hurt you one day. Every one of them says the same sweet thing to you, and then you believe it, and then you break up. You feel like your whole world just collapses. You are stuck in the toxic fog every day. It's killing you, and you can't get out. God knows how much you wanna get out, but you just can't, and you feel like you're suffocated, dying. Until one day, the brain tells you you're done with the grief. Suddenly, the world is fine again, and you feel free. But you know what?''
''What?''
''The world never changes for you, for any single of us. Never. It's just the human mechanism. Like a laptop. When it's all fucked up inside, the laptop is trying. It is really trying to fix itself. Till it knows it can't, it shuts itself down, and restarts. And everything is fine again. And then you meet another guy, the whole cycle begins again. Again and again. Like a labyrinth, and you can't get out. I can't get out.''
''That's why you don't do relationships.''
''Not anymore.'' She sounded completely cold this time.
''Yeah…'' I didn't know what to say.
''You know, this world sucks. Growing up sucks. When you were a baby, you cried over every crap, and they got to pacify you. No one laughed. But now? No matter how much pain you're in, every day when the sun comes up, and you just wanna stay in, and cry the whole day to night, but you can't. You gotta get up every day, drag yourself out of bed, and push yourself to the world. You've got work to do, school to go, and the world only slaps on your face and forces you to smile, to socialize because you don't want anyone to look at you with despise and pity. So you put on a smile that doesn't come from inside. You put aside your fucking grief and hide it, until you're finally alone in your room, finally you're allowed to lick on the wound that is still bleeding, and you realize something: you've gone numb. You can't cry anymore. And the sadness is forever stuck inside till one day it gets too much and knocks you down from inside.''
''You know you can always cry in front of me. I don't look at you with either despise or pity.''
''Yeah, that's why I'm crying now.'' Her voice vanished at the very last word. For the first time I'd found someone who knows the pain I'd always known. I wanted to hug her. I really wanted to hug her, and to tell her it's okay. I wanted to warm her cold, broken heart up, with my embraces. I couldn't bear hearing her cry. I couldn't.
I sneaked out of the room without waking up the Colonel, and into her room. Alaska sat up and was surprised. Good thing was, she didn't scream. I got in her bed without turning on the light. She curled herself up in bed like a baby, still sobbing and shivering. I lied down behind her, attached myself to her back. For the first three seconds she was stiff, resisting a little, but then I whispered ''It's okay. It's okay'', she finally relaxed, and softened her walls.
''I love you, you know? I don't mean to put you back in the shitty cycle of suffering, the labyrinth or whatever. But I love you, and I'm not going to hide it. I'm not going to tell you all the sweet things, 'cause I'm not good at that at any rate. I just wanna let you know that I'm in love with you, and I'm giving my whole heart to you, too. So you now have the full power to deal with the handed in heart of mine. Break it or not. I don't care.''
Alaska turned to face me. She was looking straight into my eyes, silent. Even though the light was out, I could still see her blue eyes sparkling like the first day I met her. Alaska got her hand out from the cover and placed it on my left cheek. Her fingertips slid from the center of my forehead, my eyebrows, my nose, and down to the corner of my mouth. I closed my eyes, enjoying the cloud tipping around my face.
''What about Lara?''
''We broke up.''
''Why?''
''It didn't work out anyway. She told me she could tell that I'm in love with you instead of her. I tried to hide, though. She still could see it. That's why I'm here now, 'cause I don't wanna hide it any longer if the hiding doesn't work.''
''What are we gonna do? What are we going to be? I mean, how are we…'' She panicked, as I expected.
''It's okay. I'm not saying you have to figure it out now. I just want you to let your heart take the lead of your mind. It's going on too much over here.'' I tipped her forehead twice and chuckled.
She enlarged her eyes. For one second I thought I had irritated her by knocking her forehead with my fingers (for that I know some don't like to be touched on the head), and I went concerned. I enlarged mine, but now she closed hers, then she kissed me.
Her hand was on my neck and jaw, pulling me toward her lips. Her lips were soft like mist that I couldn't press too hard in case they vanished. My hands slid through the waves of her hair that I'd always wanted to run my fingers in. She all of a sudden pulled her lips from mine. Just as I thought she'd regretted kissing me, she pulled her shirt up and threw it aside. Her breasts rounded, and the edge of the circles shone from the moonlight through her winder. She was so beautiful.
I pulled my shirt and pants off, too. She pressed her chest against mine. Caressing her back at first, I reached down my hand along the curves of her back to her tight butt, and pushed it closer to me. Our tongues shuffled. I nibbled her lower lip from time to time. She kissed my neck, where I realized I naturally got aroused. So I got on top of her, laying her down on her back. We looked at each other for one moment, one long moment. Through that moment, I saw through her deep eyes, as if I saw through her deepest soul. And I felt like she saw through mine as well. For the first time I didn't feel at all insecure to be seen through. Calm, instead.
She reached her hand up to my face, asking for more of kisses. So I bent down to kiss her more. I glided my hands from her collarbones, all the way through her smooth skin, down to her breasts. I played the two drops of water in my palms, softly, kissing my way down to her stomach, to her lower belly, and to her inner thighs. I pulled her panties off, parted her legs slowly, widely, and moved myself between them. Then I started my work. Her deep breath, her pulling my head further in, and her trembling all made me want her more and more. After I sort of finished the work down there of her, I kissed up her body to her lips in the end.
I loved her, so much. So so much that it grew into a physical level. It was not lust. I'd rather not call it sex, but love-making.
We kept kissing for a little while till I finally got the nerve the ask her.
''May i?'' I whispered. She nodded with her eyes never off of me. I slowly slithered my private into hers. This was what it felt like, being taken of the virginity. Now I knew. She let out a long deep breath with a silent moan at the end.
''Does it hurt?'' I asked.
''No. Keep going.'' So I kept going on and on, till we both had enough.
We fell asleep, cuddling close to each other. Her hair looked like ocean waves, passionately messy and curly, but had a smell of forest. And if you took a close sniff, you'd notice a few edelweiss's about to shyly blossom.
Every now and then, I woke up and watched her sleep. She'd always looked so beautiful. And she had no idea. She never realized her ravishing beauty. I smiled to myself, laid a peck on her forehead, and I went back to sleep again.
I tiptoed out of Alaska's room back to mine before she woke up next morning. I turned the door handle as quietly as possible. First thing in my sight was the sitting Colonel on the couch.
''Holy fuck! Scared me. Why are you up so early?''
''Oh, yeah, that question goes to you, too. Where have you been, huh?''
''Nowhere.''
''Sure, now you start to call Alaska's room 'nowhere' huh!''
''Shit. How did you know? You were asleep when I left.''
''Oh, my God. You really went to her room! Good guess, Chip!'' The Colonel high-fived himself.
''Goddammit!''
''So…how was it?'' There you go, the Colonel's gossip face.
''It was the best.''
''Well, I thought you said you didn't know how to please a woman, or Lara did, precisely speaking.''
''I don't know. It just happened, and I did know what to do somehow. I guess it was just the one you're making love with. When you're with the right one, you don't think too much about 'how to please her'. You naturally know how to love her with your touch and kisses.''
''Wow! You really like her that much, huh?'' The Colonel seemed shocked.
''I love her.''
''Remember you said you wanna save it for someone you think worth it? Hmm… seems like you've found her. 7 rooms away.'' The Colonel and I both giggled.
That was the Best day of my life.
The Worst day came before long.
After the Religion Class, the Colonel and I were going to the Smoking Hole, but we noticed that we'd run out of cigarettes on the way. So we headed back to the dorm, to Alaska's.
''Hey, gorgeous!'' I knocked once before I opened the door.
''Thank God, I'm not changing.'' Alaska said, reading her book in my favorite position.
''Oh, thank God you're not changing, or Pudge is gonna kill me'' said The Colonel. We all laughed. Alaska got up from her bed and came to give me a kiss.
''How are you doing, baby?'' I asked.
''Pretty good. The book was nice.'' Alaska always liked to tell me about the books I never was really interested.
''K, tell me about it later.'' Her arms wrapped around my neck. Her lips tasted as sweet as usual, just like on the Best day.
''Ugh, PDA.'' The Colonel complained. Alaska and I chortled without looking away from each other. ''I'm just gonna wait outside, till you two finish all…THIS.'' The Colonel gestured to us and went out.
''Oh, we're going out?''
''Yeah, cigarettes.'' Alaska started to take off her shorts and pulled on a long pair. She was at the cloth hanger corner, back facing me. As she bent down and got that tight butt wiggling before me, damn, I could've pushed her down in bed once more.
I held her hand when we walked out the campus to the parking lot, and she held back, tightly. The Colonel drove the car. I took the seat next to him, and Alaska took the back.
While the Colonel was driving, he was basically talking about another new prank on the Weekday Warriors. Alaska added a few new ideas. And I was only loving her being cunning.
The Colonel and I waited in the car because Alaska was the only one who had fake ID (God knows where she got it from). The car was parked across from the store. Through the big, wide glass window, I saw her waiting in the line, finally paying money, messed a little around with the clerk, and laughed. And the guy next in line was checking on my girlfriend. He was just lucky I wasn't there.
Alaska walked out. I rolled down the window, gave her a smile while she was walking toward me. And then she was gone.
An evil, blue van rushed toward her, way faster than how I ran on the pre-prank. The brake screamed before the faster shadow devoured her. She was walking. She was just walking toward me, only fucking one arm away, and then she was gone. GONE! Right in front of me. A smack of wind stroke on my whole face. What was that? It was not her forested hair. What was that?
The Colonel got off the car to check. I was sitting in the seat, still. I couldn't move any inch of me.
What was that? What was that I just saw?
''Miles!'' The Colonel was on his knees, turned half back to me. Shouted.
''Miles!" The Colonel shouted again. The only organ I was hopefully able to move half an inch was my eyes. I looked at him, without turning my face.
"Called the ambulance! Miles! Call nine-one-one!" The Colonel shouted louder this time.
Why was he shouting? Alaska was sleeping. She was so beautiful. As always. Her skin glittered under the light of thousands of starts, just as those that once glistened in her eyes. Alaska was lying there, on the asphalt, like a baby you would've come take a caress on her head. Why was the Colonel shouting? He would've woken her up, right?
I wished he would've woken her up.
I was outside of the operating room, praying. I didn't trust the God, never really did. Ever since the God took Mom, I'd never prayed once. But I prayed that night, begging. "Please don't take her. Please don't take her. Please. Please. Please. Not again, please..." I mumbled liked I was chewing something. I chose to believe in the upper power, tonight once more. Please. Somebody bring her back. God, please, bring her back.
Vain.
I shouldn't have trusted the upper power that didn't do any power. You like prayers, huh? I'm praying now! There you go my prayer. You should know I don't do praying or begging. That just fucking hurts my dignity, but I'm praying now. I know you're listening. ARE YOU LISTENING?
Apparently not. Or he ignored my prayer for I hadn't been praying. A punishment or whatever, I don't care. I just wanted her back. But she was never coming back.
They buried her, and the coffin. Why did they bury her like that and hold a funeral? They never understood Alaska, and would never get to.
When Alaska and I were in her bed, reading, I was lying on her laps, and she was always in that sitting-and-leaning position. She played with my hair in her fingers while she was holding her favorite book in the other hand. I liked that she was leaving her scent on my hair, or any part of me. Leaving the marks of her on me. Just as I thought she was going to flip to next page, she closed her book and placed her right palm on the top of my head. She started to rub my hairline with the side of her thumb.
"Babe, I don't wanna be put inside the coffin."
"Say what?" Coffin? Did she just say coffin?
"I said I don't wanna be put into the coffin when I die."
"Okay...why?" I raised one eyebrow, confused. She was so beautiful, even when she was in the sight where I could see her double chin, but she was so beautiful.
"I don't wanna be put in the big wooden box when I die. The day my heart stops pounding will be the day I'm set free." Alaska looked out through the window. "I'm in the box now, you know? I always see myself a free ghost stuck in this body. A box. This room. Another box. And the shitty cycle of suffering. The ultimate box that I can never get out of." Her eyes went deep again, even though she never took any glimpse down at me, I could still see. Deep eyes again.
"Hey, hey hey, no more shitty cycle. I'm not going to hurt you, baby." I said softly as I sat up. She turned to look at me. Those were not deep, not this time. They were somehow, lost. My palm was there on her cheek, leaving a mark of me. She closed her eyes and tilted her head to my hand, squashing a little into my palm.
"I love you." I said.
"I love you, too." She looked down, leaving my palm.
"No. I mean, I love you. I love you, you know? I'm not saying it lightly. I mean it." I hurried claiming, because for some reason I knew that lost eyes. She didn't trust me.
"Babe, listen. I'm not, nor will I ever be, one of those lame excuses of a man that you had in past relationships. I am my own person, unlike any guy you have ever dated or ever will date. I love with everything that I have and everything that I am. I give far more than I will ever take." She lifted up her chin and a blank look emerged.
"Alaska Young, I love you." Her eyes were on me now. "You have no idea yet what that truly means for me to say that to you. It isn't something I describe with words, but I'll just have to show you over time. So I will ask you this once, do not compare me to these idiots who didn't realize how magnificent of a woman that they had and lost with you. You are mine now, and I fully intend to keep it that way." The gleaming tips of rocks in her eyes came to grow bigger and bigger, and the river was streaming down till her eye frames couldn't hold it back anymore.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Tears deluged. "I'm so sorry baby. I'm sorry." She cried.
"Why baby?" I gripped her head to my chest.
"I'm sorry, 'cause, 'cause you gotta clean up the shit the other man left. And I feel sorry for you that you need to fix it and clean it up." I didn't know why I thought it was adorable. She was adorable. I burst into a quiet laughter.
"Ha, ha, ha. It's fine with me, babe. I like a clean place anyway. I don't mind cleaning it up, as long as you help out as well." She grinned with tears still on her face.
"I don't know. I just think, this is not what you deserve, and I feel sorry for you."
"No, it's not. But for you, Alaska Young, you're more than worth the effort." I smiled to her, wiped off the tears. "No more tears shall shed from the eyes that I fall for every time I look at them."
There was no more tear shedding from her, no more shitty cycle of suffering, no more deep eyes, and no more twinkling tips of rocks in the river. No more.
I hated them resting her in the hard large box, and I knew Alaska would hate it, too. I pinched and twisted on the stem of the white chrysanthemum decorated on her coffin, and slipped it into my black suit pocket.
We went back to the dorm from the funeral. The Colonel and I didn't say a word at all. We were just sitting.
"Hey, um...I'm sorry." The Colonel patted on my shoulder.
"You should."
"I know, Alaska was our best friend. Every one of us is sorry."
"No. You should." I kept muttering, repeating.
"Miles, are you okay? I mean, I know you're not, but...are you okay?"
"You should be sorry. You should. YOU SHOULD!" I slapped on the half full glasses of water and two joy sticks on the table off to the floor. It surprised the Colonel.
"Hey, I'm not that drunk van asshole, okay?"
"Yeah, sure. You're not. But if you hadn't wanted that fucking cigarettes, she wouldn't have died. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE DIED! You wanted her to buy you cigarettes. YOU!" I yelled back. I rushed right to him, and punched on his face, but I missed. The fist only slipped through his jaw line. I kept on hitting on his shoulders, arms, and his stomach, but the Colonel never beat back.
He made me mad, very mad. He was probably despising my fists that didn't seem to hurt him that much. The Colonel was pressed hard against the wall, bent down his head.
"Let it out. I'm alright." The face was still down. I managed to give out the most of my fist, and just at the moment it almost hit straight on his nose, I stopped and slumped.
I cried out loud and kept asking "why". I wasn't talking to anyone.
"Bro, I'm gonna give you some space. Do whatever you want. Don't do stupid, though." The Colonel went out. Tears shed from the eyes that once met the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen. I went to the shower to chill down myself. It was hard to tell if it was tears or the shower water. I got out of the tub, looking at the man's eyes through the mirror. Red. I stood there for how long I didn't remember, till the warm roll-down slid through the cheeks Alaska once touched did I realized I was still standing. I collapsed, gripping on the edge of the sink before I could lean on my back on the wall. The sob went worse and worse so I compressed my hands onto my mouth to hopefully lower my crying. But it didn't work.
I dashed out of the bathroom and slipped under the cover in bed. Curling up my body, I wrapped the whole of me with the cover, crying. Alaska was right. Growing up sucks. Since when people start to look at you with despise and pity when you cry like a baby?
The days went on and on. Non-stop. The world never stops for anyone.
Two months and 28 days passed. I had no idea how I lived those days. Probably just eating, sleeping, crying, schooling, and smoking.
That was one very ordinary afternoon. I was alone in the room, and the light was out. The sun was about to set, and the light streamed in from the window. I grabbed the white chrysanthemum out of my black suit pocket, and went out, to somewhere my feet led me to. It was the forests where we had the tree cabin. I knelt down under one tall tree and started to dig a hole on the a bit damp earth. I put the white chrysanthemum down in the hole, slowly, gently, and buried the flower.
"You're free now, Alaska Young. From now on, you're free." I lied myself down beside the buried flower. It was an ordinary afternoon, but beautiful as usual. The sun shone through the holes the leaves left out. The sparkles were quivering as the wind blew through. It was her, the smell of her hair. I closed my eyes.
"You know what? You were right and wrong. Right, this world sucks. And growing up sucks. And losing you sucks harder. Wrong, though this world sucks, somehow it's working on it. It's working on finding a way to impress us. And I like the way it impressed me, 'cause it brought me, you." I reached out and rested my hand on the bury spot.
"You're free now, from the shitty cycle of suffering. And now you just put me in this shitty cycle, the labyrinth or whatever. But baby, it's okay. I don't mind. I don't mind this shitty cycle at all because it's you, who put me in. I don't mind. Because, I love you."
My tear span down, from the eyes that once fell hard for you, all the way down to where you're set free. You're free now.