I own nothing. Slash. Mentions of abuse. Sexual content. Review. Enjoy!
"Hey Cho," Patrick said walking into the elevator, "Heading home?"
"Yes," I said barely glancing at him.
Patrick nodded his head a few times before leaning forward and pressing the stop button. I continued to stare forward for awhile until I finally turned my head and stared at the faux-psychic.
Instead of saying anything the blond just gave me his usual smile. He had some plan going on in his mind. Not that him planning was anything new. Usually he didn't involve me though.
"What?" I asked staring at him.
"Just thinking," Patrick said smiling
Continuing to stare at Patrick I saw the smile slip for a second before it was back. That told me that whatever this was about was something he thought was important. Since not a lot of things ever seemed important to him I knew I should listen.
As much as I thought of Patrick as a friend of sorts sometimes I wasn't sure of him. One day he was going to do something to get himself to killed and I knew he wasn't going to stop until he did.
Then there was the whole thing with Lisbon. Was he purposefully ignoring that they were in love? Or did he really not see it? No, that man wasn't dumb enough not see it.
"Are you gay?" Patrick said cutting my thoughts off.
"Wh-What?" I uncharacteristically stuttered out.
Patrick stared at me seriously for a moment before sighing. He didn't really seem to know where to go now that he had asked. Of course he came into this without thinking things through.
When did Patrick Jane ever think things through though? No, he had an idea and he went with it. Sadly this time it had to involve me. Had to involve something I had kept hidden.
I had done everything to keep anyone from knowing the fact that I was gay. Half of the time I had myself convinced that I was straight. It didn't take long for me to see an attractive guy and have that world crash down.
"Kimball," Patrick said softly.
"Yeah," I said nodding, "I'm gay."
"You were just faking it whenever you were with a girl."
"Yes."
Patrick let out a soft sigh. I hated whenever he got that look in his eyes. It was like he was disappointed in me. Honestly I couldn't tell if it was because I had just come out to him or because I hadn't done it before.
It didn't matter though. I knew better then to act on my feelings. After all these years I could still remember what it felt like whenever someone had the slightest thought of me being gay.
The beatings I had taken as a kid made me realize it would be better if no one knew. Right now I knew there would be no point in lying to the man in front of me. At least now I knew everything he did.
"Why are you lying?" Patrick asked shaking his head.
"Not lying," I said calmly, "Just not doing anything about it."
"Kimball, you can't hide this."
"I have since I was ten."
"Not anymore. You can't hide this anymore, Kimball."
"Why?"
As we stood there I could feel the frustration radiating off of him, but there was nothing he could do. I had kept this side hidden for so long and I wasn't willing to let it out.
"I'm only going to say this once," Patrick said staring at me, "I'm not going to let you run away."
"What do you mean?" I asked confused.
"I lost my wife. The person I loved more then anything. I gave myself a chance though and you're not even giving yourself that. Kimball, I don't know what happened. I doubt I really want to know, but you have to let it go. You're letting this…Whatever destroy you. Why?"
"It's safer."
"Safer? What do you mean?"
Looking away from Patrick I tried to find the right words. I knew that Patrick was right, but I had learned that it was wrong. What I was feeling was wrong no matter what the blonde said.
What I didn't get was why Patrick was making a big deal about this. So, I would never date someone I was actually attracted to. I could live my life like that. I had already for years.
As for love. In this line of work it wasn't often that I saw love work out. Someone either got hurt or killed and claimed it was in loves name. I didn't understand the appeal of that.
Truthfully, I didn't believe in love, soul mates, or anything like that. It seemed completely ridiculous to find happiness in another person. I was perfectly fine the way I was now.
So what if I was completely alone? And if that made me sad oh well. It had been that way for so long. It was better for everyone if I was alone. That didn't mean I liked it. I was just used to it.
"They beat you, didn't they?" Patrick said after a few minutes.
"Yes," I said staring at him.
"You know what they did was wrong, don't you? There's nothing wrong with being gay."
Instead of answering the man I put on a completely neutral look. I didn't want to continue this conversation. I knew there was no point in it. Nothing he ever said was going to change my mind.
I knew that it was difficult for Patrick to let something go, but that's exactly what I wanted him to do. For years I had pushed my feelings away. It had taken a long time, but I had done it. I didn't want them to come back.
"Are we done?" I asked while reaching to turn on the elevator.
"For now," Patrick said softly, "But I'm not going to give up. You deserve love, Kimball."
"I don't believe in love."