Shepard startled out of her sleep. Bathed within sweat, she sat off and stroked through her sticky hair. Just the quiet humming of the E-Zero core was heard in the silent cabin of the commander. She stared out of the new window and watched the small, yellow points flowing by. It was a game out switching between black and yellow, darkness and colour. Shepard sighed quietly. The final was near. Tomorrow they would reach the Cronos Station and she would destroy Cerberus terminally and afterwards she would head down Earth together with the Crucible. The final battleground was near. Everything that Shepard had worked for the last five years would be decided within the next two days. What would lie beyond this war was a big mystery.

It was strange, but Shepard was ok with that. Even if the definitiveness was grabbing her, she was not concerned about it, she did not care. All would end nevertheless. It was just the question left of how it would end. If she would defeat the Reapers -as everyone was expected her to do- or if they are all going to die. Shepard felt calm and empty at the moment even if the nightmare she had had a few minutes ago been just horror. She was aware of the finality of this mission all the time and this cognition hammered against her head, was deep anchored within her mind, but she wasn't thinking about this right now. No, all this wasn't straining Shepard. Right after the start of hunting Saren, when she had met the Reaper in form of the Soverign, she had known that she got into something that was bigger than her, that she had been caught within something that would end within her legendary triumph or with her death. The second had already happened. Shepard smiled bitterly and sat down on the side of her bed, folding her hands in her lap. She dealt with all of it. To be honest, all her sense in life left except this battle, that only she was able to handle. All the other things had been destroyed by this cruel war. No one had listened to her until it was close to midnight and she had to pay the price for it.

She had enough of fighting against Cerberus and politicians, which were supposed to be her allies. All she had been fighting against was everything except the Reapers themselves. The strategy of them- as far as they had one- was unknown. There had not been some primary battles, no, just this one, final battle that decided over everything. Shepard did not know what she was going to fight against; there was not even the knowing how- or if- the Crucible worked. No, all of this did not make her disquietingly. She was a soldier through and through. The psychological training had not been for free, she could take it. The only thing that kept her restless was the voices.

She had had this nightmare again, the dream where she stood face to face to her friends she lost, close to all of them she hasn't been able to save. Shepard had seen this boy again with this blonde hair and blue eyes, who had been too frightened to let her rescue him. Should she have been firmer than she had been? Should she had pulled him out of the vessel and carry him to the shuttle? To the Normandy? Shepard had no answer for this, but at the end she could not change it anymore. He was dead- killed by the Reaper as so many billions, too. Asari, Turians, Salarians, Humans, Krogans, Hanar, Drells, Batarians, Elcor, Volus and Vorcha, none of those races would be the same as they had been before. Even if they would survive, the trauma would remain. The Trauma of a war, which would make them shiver at least for the next 50.000 years- hopefully.

Her view turned back to the window again. A structure weakness how Legion called it. Once again his electronic voice rolled through her head. She saw the light, which Jack called humorously a good lamp, and heard him asking the question again, that reaped off her heart: "Do I have a soul?" He had not asked if "we" had a soul like it had been in the consensus. Shepard shook her head. In this last, short moment Legion had been turned into an AI, a living being like Shepard was, just based on synthetic elements than on carbonate.

/Yes, Legion, you have a soul. You always had./, Shepard thought. Even she had not been able to answer him this question, she always had known, that Legion has been right. It had been hard to admit it after fighting the Heretics, but she could not deny it anymore. Since she had met Legion, she never had doubt about it. Legion had been like all of them, maybe even better. Damn it, the Geth had been the only responsible race in this fucking war. The only ones who were not acting like a Prima Donna. But the best always had to go. Shepard knew this best.

"Had to be me, Shepard. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.", insisted it again in her mind and tears started to burn within her eyes. The sound of Mordins high, fast speaking, brainstorming voice raised the emptiness and sadness in Shepard. This crazy, amazing salarian scientist had been her best friend all the way next to Garrus. Often she had visited him in his lab and disrupted him from work, because she wanted to know with which excuse he was going to put her off. Shepard always had known that he was joking, but he said it so serious, that she always had to smirk. Even now, when she was remembering it, she had to grin slightly. The memories of his talks with Bakara returned. How he had tried to pair her off with Garrus and murmuring something about children from Asari and Vorcha had lactose intolerance, while he was singing for himself. Her smile turned into a sad one, when she thought back of his death. She could nearly see him in this tower, heading to the console with a smile on his face, singing Gilbert and Sullivan once again. Shepard shivered from these memories, wrapping her arms around her to protect herself from turn apart. She missed him so much.

/You did it Mordin./, she thought sadly. /The Genophage is cured. The Krogan can recover now and become a strong member of the galaxy. Did your simulation showed this? I guess so. Now, you can focus on your shell study wherever you are./

"Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me." She widened her eyes. No, not this one! Please, stop it! Shepard could not take it. Tears dropped from her eyes and felt on her knee, where the clothes turned into dark. Not this prayer, not his love! She shivered like she was on the Antarctic, trying to concentrate on anything else than him. With his prayer, his words, his voice, all the self-hate, all the sadness returned like a storm and threw her off the ground. "Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness."

"Time is short, Siha, but any I have is yours to take." No! Shepard could nearly scream from the pain that was crumbling her heart. She clenched her hands over ears. She did not want to hear it. Not again.

"Please, no!", she begged. Let her go! All the pushed away pain returned with his voice appearing next to her. Her body arched from the sound of these kind words; this affectionate tone within it. It felt like her soul broke. Her heart screamed to him, calling him to her side as he had been before the Omega 4 Relay. Shepard noticed that she had never been alone before a final battle. Before they had landed on Ilos, there had been Kaidan easing her pain about Ash's death. Even if Kaidan had done a good job then, he could not even reach the near to Thane. Although she had to comfort him from being desperate, to fear of dying- because of her- touched the deepest corners of her soul so that she wasn't able to feel anything else then love. Thane always had taken care of her and nothing else. Everything that mattered in his life was Kolyat and her. Thane…why did you have to die? Why wasn't she able to rescue him? Why had she stood next to the salarian councilor like a fool and did not do anything? Why was she frozen on the place where she had stood, when she had seen him? Shepard had made a promise to herself to do everything to save him, to be together with Thane as long as possible, but at the end she betrayed herself and was the reason for her own pain. She had had the chance to interfere, but she had not used it. She had not even been able to tell him, that she loved him. Stupid Shepard! What had she been afraid of?

No one ever spoke about her loss. She guessed they were afraid of bringing her back into the pain. Shepard knew that Garrus and Liara watched her hitting the door of 'Life Support' with her fist or when she was laying her head on it, crying silently for herself. She never had been back in there. Shepard was afraid about, that all the shared memories of them both would return immediately. Thane had been everything for her. He had pulled off her mask of responsibility and saw her true face. Oh for goodness sake, why wasn't he here to encourage her? Why was it like he faded away and just never existed? Why had Thane been so cruel to reject her request of coming back to the Normandy?

Suddenly Shepard shook her head. She needed something from him. Not something that would bring back the pain, no something that let her believe that he's by her side.

Shepard stood up in a hurry and went over to her desk, sitting down on the terminal and opened the last thing she got from Thane. It was the only thing remaining even if it just had been transmitted by Liara.

"Siha,

I write this with a heavy hand, knowing you will read this letter when I am no longer able to share my thoughts. I am dying, Siha. Perhaps because of the differences between our species, I can hope that time will treat you with kindness and dim the hurt of my passing to faded recollections that a drell would forever remember with perfect clarity.

Selfishly, however, I could not leave this world without leaving a piece of me behind that would never fade.

I once accepted my fate. Nothing remained but a shell destined to die. I only had to choose the when and how of my passing. I had refused to be confined to a bed, gasping horribly as my life beeped away to machinery I had no use for. I thought of my Irikah, broken, bloodied, and betrayed by my absence. Of Kolyat, small and afraid, bravely pushing at his eyes to stem the flow of tears I had entrusted to him to cry... for both our sakes.

The expectation to move swiftly to my end vanished upon uniting with your cause. You awoke me, Shepard. My heart quickened its sluggish beat if only to remain at your side and protect you with everything that I am. I was content to simply watch, take the time left given and praise all I know for allowing me to walk my final days with hope and certainty that I am worthy of more than my cold isolation, solely because you believed.

I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact. By grace given me by the Goddess Arashu, I bid her divine protection to you, my warrior-angel, my Siha, to succeed in your destiny. To light your path through the coming darkness. To give you hope, when all seems lost.

I will await you across the sea.

Thane"

It was like his voice was all over the room. She heard him reading it, softly, saw an illusion how he was sitting in 'Life Support' and wrote it to her. His hands trembling, his eyes burned with tears, while his Iris ran through his perfect memories. How painful this letter must have been for him to write. But he did it to comfort her even after his death. He just had not understood how human memories worked. That she would never been able to forget him anymore.

Shepard shivered and could not hold back her tears any longer. She sniffed. He was such an idiot. When had he ever been selfish? She has been the one who had been selfish. She wanted to have him back so much without thinking about his feelings. Without thinking that he might be afraid of letting her see how he became weaker and weaker unless he was unable to breath anymore. That he did not want to hurt her. She had known this, but Shepard loved him so much, but she had not even been able to tell him. She had not even been able to think about the time when she would have been without him. She pushed this end as far away as possible. Shepard had not allowed it to come to her mind, because it would destroy her. The only thing she had been able to do have been spluttering this prayer together with Kolyat, playing the strong one, while he had been taking her soul with her. She had felt like a robot. No emotions remained within her body. She had been empty, she was even now.

"Siha…don't blame you. It wasn't your fault." A slightly whispers appeared from the door. Shepard startled up, harkened, but then shrugged her shoulders and went to the couch.

"I'm hallucinating. I have to. I really thought I heard his voice again.", she whispered quietly and fall down into the sofa, putting her feet on the glassy table.

"You're not hallucinating, Siha. Well, not in the way you think." Shepard jumped up in the couch, turned her head towards the door and…frozen. Right in front of the door he stands. Thane! Her heart skipped a beat and her thoughts began to rush. It cannot be. All within her just said that it was impossible, but he was there. She could feel his Aura once again. Thane had folded his hands beyond has back and stepped slowly towards her. A manifestation of her wishes maybe? But…he looked too real for it. He wasn't even transparent.

"Thane?", she asked carefully, irritated while reaching out her hand to him.

"Somehow." He smiled slightly and took her hand, sitting down next to her. Shepard could not believe it. She stared at him. The skin of his hand felt so real. It was the same impression, the same dry but soft skin. Even his gentle touch. All was like if he were still alive, as like he never died. Was she dreaming? Or was his death the real nightmare and she just wake now?

"But how?", she murmured like a breeze. Shepard wasn't able to catch a breath. The feelings of her loss took control over her. She did not know how to handle it. "You're dead…aren't you?" For this moment she did not care how insensible it might sound, she just needed understanding.

"I am." Thane whispered and strokes a strand of her hair behind her ear. Deep, dark eyes watched her and Shepard saw a hint of guilt in them. "But I wished to be here when all comes to an end. I wanted to be there for you, my Siha." His voice was full of sadness, while Shepard stared at him with wide opened eyes.

"Because…you want to?" Thane nodded slightly. "So, you're not just in hallucination of my inner desire?"

"The universe is not so easy, my Siha." He said thoughtful. "There are a lot of things that we do not understand. After I died…I was across the sea…I used the time to meditate a lot and to think about my passed life, but I could not concentrate. Every time my thoughts return to you and that I left you, when you needed me the most. That's why I'm here. The final is coming, right?"

Shepard looked with tears in her eyes to him. Even after his death he cared about her and wanted to encourage her. Thane was unbelievable. Her legs began to shiver and she felt like all her hidden depression crushing over her mind. How could she defeat something so big? She took a hard gulp and nodded a bit too fast. The feeling of helplessness crashed her heart and she stopped breathing for a moment.

"Siha…" Thane said softly and pulled an arm around her, leading her head to his chest. She closed her eyes and inhaled as much of him as possible. His warmth, the smell, she could also hear his heart beating. It was like her beloved Drell was never gone. She felt his hard, defined muscles beyond her head, every single breath he takes, his soft hand petting her hair and his little kisses placed in her hair. "You don't need to be strong. I'm here for you." He rested his nose in her soft hair and every breath out let her tremble, because they felt like a hot breeze.

Tears started to fill her eyes, when she lifted her head and watched in his wonderful, understanding eyes.

"Thane…" It was all that Shepard could say. The whole situation overwhelmed her. Stronger and stronger burned in her eyes and she clawed in his back. In this moment Thane was her only hold although she did not understand how it can be, that he was here. She didn't mind. It had irritated her for the first moment, but to hear his soft voice again, to feel his trusted body around her was balsam for her oppressed soul. She was happy that she had not to handle this situation on her own. Shepard could not hold it back any longer and started to cry. First silently, her body squeezing from all the feelings, but then her sobbing became louder and stronger and the tears rolled off her eyes mercilessly. The strong, masked Shepard transformed into an unsecure woman, who suffer from the pressure of saving the galaxy.

"I…it's just… I don't…", she spluttered, trying to explain why she was crying, but her throat was too dry to answer. She licked her lips, staring embarrassed to the floor. Warm hands covered her cheeks, forcing her to look up. Thane leant forward and kissed her passionately.

"Shh…don't try to explain it. You don't have to.", said Thane calmly and smiled at her. Shepard lifted her eyes and blushed when she saw with how much love Thane looked at her. Her heart seemed to rush and beat hard against her chest. "There is nothing to be ashamed off. The pressure that you're carrying is immense. I'm impressed that you could handle it for such a long time, my Siha." His soft fingers stroked over her cheek and he leant his forehead against hers.

"Thane…", she whispered gratefully and rested her head on his chest again, closing her eyes and enjoyed the warmth of a trusted body beyond her. The pleasure of being petted and hold. "I could only do it, because I knew you were there to support and me and to ease my pain. I've always found peace in your company. You've saved me from becoming crazy."

Thane just smiled silently and stroked over her head and rested her in his arms. Shepard dozed a while there and calmed her nerves down a bit. The battle seemed far away at the moment and she was glad that she did not have to think about how she could win this for at least some moments.

"Thane?", Shepard murmured silently after she calmed down herself and dealt with the surprising situation.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry…" He glanced irritated at her and bowed his head slightly.

"Sorry for what?"

"That I didn't do anything. That I wasn't able to save you. I wanted to, really, but I was so afraid that I might hit you instead of Kai Leng. So I was frozen." Shepard hesitated to explain, gesticulating wildly with her hands. The feeling of guilt pained her for a long time and now that he was there, she just wanted to explain to him. He must be angry about her. He has done everything for her and when he just needed her once, Shepard was too afraid to react. Thane sighed and poked her softly on her forehead.

"Haven't I said to you, that you should not blame yourself, Siha?" Thanes tone was serious, while sighed frustrated.

"But…"

"No 'but'. It wasn't your fault and it will never be. To be honest, I'm glad that it ended like that." His eyes watched her carefully. Thane was aware about her reaction. He supposed that she might be angry about it, but instead she was confused.

"You wanted it to end like that?" Shepard hesitated and the sentence repeated automatically over and over in her head. With every time, she could not avoid becoming angrier with him. Hadn't he understood how much his death hurt her, how much she suffered from the guilt of her disability to save him. And he dared to say that he wanted to let it end like this? Shepard had never been angry with him, but now she could feel how the anger rose in her stomach. She gazed at him angry and narrowed her eyebrows. Like Thane could see how her feelings were changing, he anticipated her:

"Siha, let me explain." He sighed heavily and watched her with an apologetic view in his eyes. Shepard gulped and calmed down herself. Thane would never do anything that might hurt her. She breathed out heavily and all the anger faded away with the air.

"Yes, please…explain. It's just…"

"Believe me…I never wanted to hurt you, my Siha." Softly stroked Thane through her air and looked at her with such sadness, that Shepard wasn't even able to breathe. She could see his inner conflict and how he suffered from this. His eyes were narrowed half and he avoided meeting her view.

"I know, Thane. Don't worry about it." She took his hands and compressed them softly. A light smile went on her full lips. "Thane, look at me! I don't want to argue. Not now, so please, explain it and I will listen." Thane looked up carefully, but when he saw, that all the anger had disappeared out of her eyes, he nodded and started again:

"I don't know what I had inhaled in the Collector Basis, but when we had returned I felt how my condition became rapidly worse. Short before I heard that you docked on Citadel, it was hard for me to breathe. It felt like there was a fire in my throat…and I…decided that we shouldn't see each other… you had so many worries to deal with… I didn't want to give you one more. Maybe it was selfish from me, but I did not want you to see me like this…how I became weaker and turn to something that you don't appreciate…someone who was not…not useful for you."

"You… you did not want to see me? Never…again?" Shepard widened her eyes, when she realized what he had said. The fact that he thought that he was nothing more than the assassin that she liked about him, did not even reach her. It shocked her more, that Thane really did not want to see her.

Her heart crushed within one second.

"I did not want to hurt you." Thane tried to explain quickly. "But when I heard that you've docked on Citadell all my desire returned immediately. I decided it out of rationality. It was the only responsible thing…but when I heard that you were there…near me, I felt, that I could not defeat my heart. That my last wish was to listen to your voice again, to see you, to feel you. My heart screamed for you and that's why I wrote this e-mail."

"Bu…but…you…", she spluttered, tears in her eyes. Now Shepard could not hold back. The shock in her eyes turned into a fire of anger and she stood up, went to the aquarium while turning her back towards him. This stupid Drell!

"Siha…"

"Don't call me like this!" She clenched through her teeth and breathed out strongly, unwilling to face him again.

"What have I done?" Thane asked shocked and Shepard could feel his sad view in her neck. It was hard to handle, but her disappointment was stronger.

"You have not understood my point, yet." She explained dangerously calm, while fixing the fishes consequently how they swam calmly through the water.

"Then correct me, Siha. Please." For a second his deep, mature voice was begging her to tell him, what he has done.

"Damn it! You're going to kill me someday, you really are, Thane.", cursed Shepard and hit lightly the glass of Aquarium, resting her head on her fist.

"Siha…", interrupted his loving voice and hugged her from behind. Thane rested his head in her neck and pulled her towards his body. Her body began to tremble, when he reminded his trusted body behind hers. "Whatever I've done, I'm sorry."

"That's what I've meant. You don't even know why you're apologizing, Thane. You don't understand what really hurt me."

"What is it?", he aspirated in her neck and she trembled. His hand was wandering over her hips, pulling her as near as possible. Shepard closed her eyes, leaning her head on his shoulder and allowed Thane to pet her. His hands were as soft as possible, while he drove over her arm and his breath flow over her scalp. Shepard sighed and laid a hand on his arm.

"You don't understand that you've always been more for me than your disease. Did you really think I could not handle it? I've dealt with death so often. I've sent my best female friend into death on Virmire just to save the man I loved and to defeat Saren. It was hard, but I'm soldier. I was trained for this. I would be lying, if I said, that I haven't thought about how much time was left for us, how bad you're condition was actually and not how you told me it was like. You're more than your disease. You've ever been for me. How could you even think, that I would not like you anymore, when it comes to an end…Did you really think that I'm a woman who played a bit with you and then leaves when all becomes difficult?" She sighed again and rubbed over her eyebrows. "Sometimes you're so careful that it makes you stupid, Thane." Shepard turned around and leant against the Aquarium. The blue light from the neon tube in it let her hair glimmer. Thane looked irritated at her, while she watched him with a smile mixed of sadness, sorrow and love. A smile so fascinating, that it blew his mind away. Her eyes glimmered softly, while she gazed at him and whispered quietly:

"I love you…and that's what has hurt me the most all the time. That I wasn't able to tell you this. I don't even know why I couldn't. Maybe because Kolyat was standing next to me, maybe because of the shock. I've asked myself this question quite often, but I haven't found a response yet. With all these unsecure things going on in universe; know this for sure, Thane. I will always love you from the bottom of my heart." Thane widened his eyes and stopped breathing.

"Siha…you…"

"Oooh, don't tell me that I could not say something like this." Shepard smirked and stepped towards him, embracing him gently. "I know this for sure. You're the man of my life and with bit of luck it won't take long until we'll meet across the sea. I have a feeling that all this shit is going to end within my death. Well, not before I have given this bastard Kai Leng what he deserve tomorrow, but afterwards. I don't want to be without you anymore." With these final words she covered the last inches between their faces and kissed him with all of her love. Tears flushed within Thanes eyes and he grabbed her hair, pulling her closer.

"Thank you, Siha…I love you, too…forever and I will wait for you until the end of time." He whispered as soft as never before and slowly he faded away. His body started to become transparent and little sparkles were flickering around him. Shepard smiled and nodded.

"I know…good bye, my love." She held his hand until the very last moment and then Thane disappeared with a wonderful smile. Shepard was back alone again, but now she felt strong enough to give the Reapers hell.