By: Tim P.
*Author's note: This story has some words censored. Don't like it? It's my story. Deal with it. I also made some people up in order to make some jokes. Oh and homosexuals are made fun of a lot in here, but this isn't to be mean, it's just for comedy. Sorry if any homosexuals take offense.*
Chapter 1: Temple grounds.
Samus is in her ship. She is reviewing the data the federation gave her about planet Aether.
Samus: Butter, milk, and eggs for General Zaroff's birthday huh? Well according to the directions my friends gave me, then this should be the right planet...
Samus's ship gets damaged as it enters the atmosphere. Then it crashes through the roof and lands.
Samus's ship: Ship was damaged as it entered the atmoshpere. Must make repairs before departing again.
Samus: I'll be here a while, I can deal with that.
Samus's ship: Also, human waste system was damaged. Must make repairs before purging your system again.
Samus: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How the hell am I supposed to take a dump without a freakin' toilet!
Samus exits her ship. And enters through the door.
5 hours later...
Samus: Where the hell am I supposed to find a Walmart!
Ridley: Hey, what's going on Samus?
Samus: Shudup! Your not supposed to be in this game!
Later...
Samus comes up to a hole.
Samus: Ooh! A hole! I wonder what's in here?...
Ridley: That's what she said.
Samus: Seriously, Ridley. I'm like totally getting away from you.
Samus jumped into the hole.
Samus: Oh god, I have to take a dump. Hey look it's a dead federation officer. He wouldn't care for some brownies, would he?
Ridley: Sweet, I get to check out Samus's a**.
Samus: D*** it! He followed me! I can't take a crap in front of him! But I really have to go!
Ridley enjoyed watching Samus take a crap.
Ridley: Sexy!
Samus: Shudup, you perverted little freak!
Samus proceeded.
Samus: Looks, like I'll have to take things to High Definition and put my scan visor on.
Ridley: I'd like to see you in High Definition.
Ridley got in front of Samus.
Ridley: Hey Samus, how do I look like in High Definition?
Samus: My eyes!
Samus's eyes caught on fire.
Later...
Samus approached a dead federation officer. Evil looking black stuff then covered the soldier. The soldier got up like a zombie.
Zombie: Brains!
Samus: I ain't got no time for your sh**! Eat charge beam!
Samus charged beamed all the zombies to death.
Ridley: I'd like to charge beam you to death.
Later...
Samus approached Dark Samus. Dark Samus turned around.
Dark Samus: Yo wudup?
Samus: Who the heck are you?
Dark Samus: I'm Dark Samus.
Ridley: I wanna' go black and never come back.
Dark Samus: Jus cuz ma name's Dark Samus don't mean I'm black yo.
Ridley: You sure talk like one.
Samus: That was racist.
Ridley: Don't you know what Ridley stands for? ** .
Samus: I don't understand what a exotic yo-yo is. What is a exotic yo-yo?
Ridley: Exactly.
Dark Samus: Yo-yo wudup?
Ridley: Shudup.
Dark Samus: (sniff) Your mean!
Dark Samus goes into the portal. Samus chases her. Dark Samus is absorbing phazon and mumbling to herself.
Dark Samus: I'm sad, so I'm just gonna' get high by absorbing phazon!
Ridley: You know, my space-pirates and I sell phazon, if your interested.
Ing: Yo, wudup Dark Samus.
Dark Samus: These two are mean to me!
Ing: I'm gonna' kick your a**ses.
Samus: Bring it on! I can take all you b****es!
Ridley: Screw this, I'm going back in the portal.
Ridley goes back in the portal.
Samus: Right behind ya buddy.
Samus follows Ridley.
Later...
Samus approach the Galactic Federation Ship.
Samus: Seems like something attacked the ship.
Ridley: I'd like to attack your ship.
Samus: Hey wait, there's a dead guy with a memory chip that I might be able to watch.
Samus puts in the clip. A guy is reading a book. Another guy approaches. They begin to have sex with eachother.
Samus: Apparently, this guy was gay.
Samus fast-fowards a bit. The clip plays as follows:
Chief Soldier (Narrating): We followed a space-pirate containing illegal drugs to Aether, because we both had a birthday to celebrate and this was the last Walmart that had supplies but not enough for both us and the space pirates. Our ship was damaged but more importantly so was our human waste system. Now how the heck are we supposed to take a crap? We split our crew into two parties. Force One would keep to the ship. Force Two would look for the Walmart. Everything was going fine until they appeared.
Ing: Yo wudup. We here to rape your faces.
Chief Soldier: Not on my watch!
Chief Soldier (Narrating): Although we put up a good fight,-
Ridley: Me and Samus put up a good fight in bed. Remember that time I got you really really drunk?
Chief Soldier (Narrating): Shudup! This is MY flash-back being played on a chip! Anyways, but we were raped and converted into homosexuals.
End of transmission.
Ridley: I'd like to make a caramel baby with that Dark Samus.
Later...
Samus: Hey look! An elevator! It will elevate us to the top!
Ridley: I'd like to elevate you to the top!
Samus: Quit making perverted jokes about you and me having sex! Look, it's not going to happen! Your a freakin' Pterodactyl thingy!
Ridley: A hot pterodactyl thingy. Wanna' make some pterodactyl babies?
Samus: Ew! No! Now I got a nasty image of pterodactyl babies in my head!
Ridley: Heh, nasty.
Samus: Stop following me!
Samus goes up the elevator.
Later...
Samus just killed a dark alpha splinter. A weird orb thingy appeared and went into Samus's suit.
Ridley: I'd like to go into Samus's suit.
Samus's suit: Malicious software downloaded.
Later...
Samus is walking towards what appears to be an energy module thingy.
U-mos: Greetings, I am U-mos. Who are you?
Samus: I'm Samus.
Ridley: And I'm Ridley.
U-mos: Um, your not supposed to be in this game.
Ridley: Well your not supposed to be so gay, U-mos! How come you don't give Samus the light-suit until the very end of the game?
Samus: Wait, what?
U-mos: Shhhhhhhhhhh! Samus doesn't need to know that...
Samus: What light suit?
U-mos: (sigh) Fine! Take my freaking light suit before I even explain the war that's going on and stuff.
U-mos gives Samus the light-suit. The light-suit turns out to be very colorful with flowers on it and all the colors of the rainbow.
Samus: This is the lightsuit?
U-mos: Yeah. And it can glow in the dark too. It also has over fifthteen sayings when firing your beam weapon. Try it out.
Samus shoots her power beam.
Light-suit: School is fun!
Samus shoots again.
Light-suit: Boys and girls, wait 'till your married.
Samus shoots again.
Light-suit: Don't do drugs.
U-mos: Well? Do you like it?
Samus: This suit is gay. Take it back.
U-mos: Nope. You already put it on so you can't take it off, and it was forged from pure evil.
Ridley: Heh, this is just like Spiderman 3!
U-mos: Now I get to tell you about the war between me and the Ing!
Samus: Look, I don't have time for you and your stupid war. I got a walmart to find.
U-mos: I know where the walmart is. But you have to help me first.
Samus: Fine. Tell me what I have to do.
U-mos: One day, a meteor struck our planet. Creating two Aethers. The old one and a new one called Dark Aether. The Ing came from this dimension and so did Dark Samus and Mr. T., and Bill Cosby, and just about every black guy you can think of.
Samus: That's racist.
U-mos: Shudup, I have a big chair!
Ridley: I gots a big chair.
Samus: Ok, like, what's up with the big chair crap?
U-mos: Anyways, we were getting along fine. They used the Metric system and we used the American Standard system. But one day, us luminoth all agreed that the Metric System,... ...was gay. So we went to war with the Ing.
Samus: Wait, you went to war, over the Metric System?
U-mos: Pretty much. And there's three energy controllers around the world that the Ing stole energy from and put inside the dark energy controllers on Dark Aether. I want you to return that energy.
Samus: How?
U-mos: You know that malicious software you downloaded? Well that, was the energy tranceiver and my porn collection which was what made the software you downloaded malicious. Anyways, you must go and restore our planet's energy. I have also uploaded Spanish to your language system. So you will be able to read amber holograms.
Samus: Ok.
Samus left to go complete her mission.
End of chapter.