Chapter One: How to Order off the Kids' Menu When You're Six Feet Tall and Always Look Angry
A round face with full, pink cheeks. Large violet eyes, fringed by long pale lashes that seemed to flutter in slow motion when he blinked. Soft hair, the color of beach sand, which smelled of lavender and felt like silk. One look at Tino Väinämöinen could make your heart melt just because he was so damn cute.
Which was exactly what he didn't want. He didn't want to be cute. He wanted to be badass. He wanted his very appearance to command respect from other people, which was hard to do when you were 5'6" and generally pretty nice to others.
His favorite bands were Death From Above and Carpe Diem. He knew his way around a gun-safely, of course, as he firmly believed that hurting others was very bad. Real badasses didn't go around hurting others. Of course, real badasses didn't smell like lavender, either, but there was no other shampoo that Tino could use which didn't make his hair frizz. Nothing was as un-badass as untamed, frizzy hair.
Oh God, he realized one day as he was perfecting his 'do, I'm, like, the worst badass I've ever seen.
He decided then that he needed serious help.
XxX
Berwald Oxenstierna was six feet tall. He went to the gym twice a week. His handsome face, all sharp lines and angles from his nose to his jaw to his rectangular glasses, was blighted with a condition he affectionately referred to as "resting bitchface." As good-looking as he was, no one wanted to ask him out because he looked like he could kill a man with one glare of those piercing blue eyes.
But he liked puppies and pop music. He helped the elderly cross the street. He had ticklish spots all over his body, which when poked would elicit a high-pitched yelp and a reddening of the face. He did happen to work part-time in a garage, though, and often smelled of motor oil and sweat, but it paid well and he was good at fixing automobiles.
At school, he was known as "Blizzard Berwald," just because he seemed so cold on the outside. It was something he'd put up with since stepping onto the university campus, but it ate at him a little bit each time he heard that cursed nickname. It all came to a breaking point one fall evening after dinner, when he'd tried to order choconut frill gelato from that one really good place in the central dining hall. The poor student worker cowered under his gaze, gingerly handing him his gelato and almost bursting into tears when he said, "thanks."
As he ate his frozen treat, he realized that he needed serious help.
XxX
The meeting of these two young men was what one could describe as "fateful." Pure chance. Destiny seemed to have seen their circumstances and led Berwald to the residential block next to his, where he spotted a fellow student yelling at a 2003 Toyota Avalon.
He crossed the parking lot quickly. Cars were his thing, and he wanted to offer any help he could.
The student turned out to be Tino Väinämöinen, someone he recognized just barely from his psychology lecture. They'd never spoken, so Berwald was slightly taken aback when he found out that such a foul mouth was attached to such a cute guy.
"Need help?" he asked.
Tino jumped, his tirade interrupted. "Yeah," he answered, regaining his senses, "it's this damn car, stupid thing makes a clicking noise when I put the key in but it won't start!"
"Yer battery's probably out," Berwald replied immediately. "Easy fix. Could bring my car over 'n help ya jumpstart it."
"Really? You'd do that?" Tino turned to face Berwald, eyes large, violet, and glittering. Berwald recalled Tino being kind of cute, but never bowl-you-over adorable. Strike.
"Got some free time. Could do it right now if ya want," said Berwald.
Tino's eyes grew impossibly huge. "Fuck yeah," he cheered. The expletive sounded strange, said by that lilting, gentle voice. "You just saved me a whole lotta trouble, man! Where are you parked?"
"In front 'a Williams Hall," answered Berwald, "jus' wait. I'll be back in a couple 'a minutes."
"Don't you run out on me," warned Tino, wagging a finger, "they don't call me 'Tino the Terror' for nothing!"
Berwald shook his head, totally baffled at how anyone could refer to Tino as a "terror." He smirked.
"You can count on me," he said.
True to his word, Berwald returned within fifteen minutes, driving a blue Subaru Impreza. He popped open the hood of Tino's Avalon and connected the battery to his as Tino stood behind him. Concentrated on his work as he was, Berwald failed to notice Tino's impish little grin as he watched Berwald disconnect the jumper cable and move to check his dipstick, making soft tsk noises as he did so. Finally, Berwald rolled up his cable, tossed it in his own car's trunk, and turned to Tino, his face and hands covered in dark smudges.
"Yer car should start now," said Berwald, "I'd recommend you get an oil change, though. Th' stick's totally black."
"Oil change, got it," Tino replied, lips still curved in that mischievous smirk. "Say, you're Blizzard Berwald, aren't ya?"
Berwald cringed internally at the nickname. "Yes," he managed, "Tino from psych?"
"With Dr. Flores," Tino answered, grinning. "I've been meaning to talk to you. Figures it'd be when my car's being dumb."
"These things happen," Berwald replied, shrugging. "What'd ya wanna talk about?"
Tino sighed. "So, I've got this problem, Blizzard."
"Please don't call me that."
"Sorry. Berwald, then." Tino said. Suddenly, his gaze locked onto Berwald's, taking the taller man by surprise. "How do you do it?" he asked
"Do what?" asked Berwald, eyebrow arched in confusion.
"Be so badass!" exclaimed Tino, "Look, I lied earlier, absolutely no one calls me 'Tino the Terrible.' I mean, look at you! You've got this vibe, like you could totally shoot ice beams out of your eyes, and you fix cars! Like, you're the very epitome of badass." He dropped to his knees, wringing his hands. "Please, Berwald. Teach me your secrets."
Tino's explanation did nothing to negate Berwald's confusion. If anything, he was more baffled than ever. Why was Tino, who was cute, sweet, and everything Berwald wished he could be, groveling on his knees asking for Berwald to teach him his ways? If anything, Berwald figured he should be the one asking Tino how to be adorable and non-threatening.
"Look," Berwald said slowly, "I just do what I do. Nothin' special." He turned to leave.
"But, you're so cool!" Tino cried.
This stopped Berwald in his tracks, a warm feeling spreading over his face. Had someone just called him cool?
"Ayy, got you to stop," Tino chuckled. "But really, I think you're neat and can I at least buy you food for fixing my car? I'm seriously desperate."
Tino was desperate, and food was really tempting. Berwald turned around. "One condition," he stated.
"I'll do anything," Tino said quickly, "Even the weird stuff. Not gonna go into detail, but the weird stuff."
Berwald bristled at Tino's last statement. "Uh, ya don't need to," he muttered, "Just… if I'm gonna teach ya to be a badass, you'd better teach me to not be scary."
"Oh thank God," Tino wiped his brow, "I dunno what I'd do if… huh?" his expression brightened, "Teach you to not be scary? I can totally do that! It's a deal!"
Berwald smiled. "Good. Now, about buyin' me food…"
AN: This was inspired by a post on Tumblr where someone had googled, "How to order off the kids menu when ur 6ft tall and always look angry" and "how to look badass when ur 5ft and look like ur 11" or something like that, and someone else had captioned it, "THIS IS THE MOST SHITTING DESCRIPTION OF SUFIN ON GOOGLE," so I took it and ran.
I'd really like to thank my roommate for beta-ing this, especially since I haven't written anything in such a long time. Rose is da bomb diggity.
She also pointed out that this is pretty much the pretext of Toradora so whoops. What she really cared about, though, was the fact that I've never seen Toradora. ;; sorry Rose!
This is mostly self-indulgent comedy as I try to get back into writing.
Just in case I didn't make it clear, Tino and Berwald are college students. The campus I have in mind for this is not my own, but that of University of Massachusetts Amherst, which has a pretty decent campus save for all the goddamn geese that seem to not understand migration. Geese.
Tino had literally no chill in college.
(Also I want to apologize if anything seems OOC, I'm trying to get back into the swing of writing these two.)