This is a wasteland, my only retreat.
With heaven above you, there's hell over me
—Hell Above, Pierce The Veil
Hold On Till May: Chapter One
Chloe sank down onto the ground in the bathroom. She clutched her chest tightly with her hands and sucked in a sharp breath. It hurt. The voices were there again. Her toes curled and beads of sweat formed on her forehead. She didn't know what to do, she felt warm, but cold at the same time. She did the only thing she knew how to. She whimpered softly as she moved towards the cupboard, pulling it open with a creak and pulling out the shiny silver metal hidden beneath piles of paper. Chloe sucked in a breath and a smile formed on her face as her heartbeat grew calm.
With one bleeding stream came another. Chloe didn't stop until she felt her eyes sliding shut. She felt free and released. Her chest no longer constricted, her mind clear. But her wrists were crimson, her thighs stained red. At least her mind was clear.
Chloe started when she was fourteen. She remembered that her poor grades were too much for her to take. Her friends mocked her, her teachers shook their heads and gave her a disapproving sigh. Her parents weren't there for her all the time, and if they were, Chloe would disappoint them. The redhead bought a penknife home, she was apprehensive at first, her cuts were merely grazes and scratches that healed quickly. She just wanted temporary release.
Now that she was sixteen, she was more than experienced. Chloe enjoyed this. She needed this in her life. She would pinch the blade between her fingers and slide it across her skin harshly, unlike two years ago. Blood would seep out soon after, and she would dig deeper. Her pain endurance increased. She grew accustomed to this. Again and again, her blade went in. As the blood seeped out, her anger and frustration dissipated.
Her classmates questioned her attire in school everyday, no matter the temperature, the redhead always donned a jacket or a hoodie and long pants. Although she sweats through them, she didn't care. She couldn't do anything about it anyway. Chloe was there again, in the middle of the hallway. She could feel the snickering and the laughing behind her back. She lowered her gaze and shuffled over to her locker, pulling it open weakly and pulling her books out before clicking it shut and entering her first class.
Chloe barely registered the fact that the teacher was speaking. She chewed on her pen caps as her feet tapped consistently against the dirty classroom floors. She couldn't wait to get home, no she didn't want to go home, she didn't know where to go. The redhead stared at the clock and pulled at the loose strings on her hoodie, her legs twisting around each other as the teacher spoke.
Finally, the bell rang and Chloe managed to squeeze out of the crowds without much detection from others. Lunchtime was something Chloe dreaded as well, it was necessarily that bad, but occasionally, some guys would taunt and tease her, and as much as she's learnt how to ignore their remarks, they still hurt. The redhead always escapes into the back garden. No one goes there ever, and she found peace there. The gardener sometimes came around and as he worked, he would converse with Chloe about everything and anything. Chloe wonders why the school hires someone to take care of the plants when no one seemed interested in them, but she never complained, the gardener was one of the few reasons why she spoke at all.
Chloe sits by the huge tree at the far end of the garden. The occasional breeze and the shade from the leaves made her feel slightly better. She'd always hum a tune under her breath, as if afraid that someone would hear her and mock her, but she's never seen anyone here.
And of course, break time didn't last forever. The bell rung again and Chloe let out a shaky breath before picking her bag up and shouldering it.
By the time school ended, Chloe was exhausted, strange though, she barely does anything but she feels worn out every single day. Chloe tugged at her hoodie sleeves as she walked out through the heavy doors in the hallway. She stumbled slightly as she walked slowly back home, her breathing labored.
This has been a daily routine for the last one and a half-year. And Chloe wasn't sure when she'd snap, when she'd break. And when the time comes, she thinks bitterly, no one would notice anything's wrong.