A Somebody's Everything
Really ..
Usagi-san sat on the pink sofa in the living room, reading and writing. Something new. Getting as many ideas out and into the laptop in his lap. He wasn't trying to hide the evidence of his perverted desires towards someone he loved loving. Misaki.
Misaki stood in kitchen, wating for the hot water to boil, trying to distract himself from attacking Usagi-san's laptop, deleting the embarrassing proof of their intimate relations. He bend in over the kitchen counter, grimacing.
Really .. this ..
Tap-tap-tap, the sound of Usagi's long cold fingers caressing the keyboard. Then suddenly a long pause. Then just as Misaki was about to pour the boiling water into a cup, the tapping went on furiously. He lost it. He smashed the water boiler down in the kitchen counter.
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Misaki yelled, stamping his feet hard into the floor as he went for Usagi without second thought.
Usagi didn't turn his head but with eyes half open he guessed the outcome of it all, after all; never was he unaware of Misaki and his 'usual' actions. Basically, knowing that much, he was already prepared for what Misaki had planned. And what was even worse than that fact; he guessed correcty. And even worse yet; he spoke them out loud while guessing. And even worse yet; Misaki had known so deep in his conscience and yet he never quite learned a bit by making mistakes... for a real, true commoner this was a flaw in his 'perfect' disguise of being a nobody among so many 'nobodies' in the commoner world so far from the 'somebodies' such as Usagi.
Misaki had always thought that 'being a somebody' would make you want to avoid all the so called 'nobodies', however, meeting Usagi-san was a huge proof of dead-on wrongs.
"Misaki." Usagi said in calm collected voice as ususal.
It pissed Misaki off. That calm collectedness was what made him so furious at Usagi to begin with. No matter what the situation or doings of his Usagi was always so collected. Apart from his jealous moments...
"Usagi-san..." Misaki said stopping half-ways.
Usagi held a long annoying break. What? Were they exchanging names or something. Misaki weren't patient enough for this shit.
"What." he said with an impatient rude tone.
Usagi looked at him for a short while.
"Would you like to read this for a bit?" he asked, holding out a hand in a gentle gesture, inviting him to sit.
Misaki looked about in the room, searching with his eyes for something.
"Would you?" Usagi asked again.
His voice was uncommonly insecure.
Misaki made a worried face.
"You- aren't you just planning things in you head again?" Misaki said with an insecure frown.
"Planning?" Usagi repeated.
Well, usually the things Usagi was 'planning' to use were merely fantasies, or so he usually used as an excuse, but the fact was; they might be fantasies, but they're always scribbled down after the acdtual fantasy has already come to life! That's not a fantasy, is it? Isn't that what people call 'happenings'? Reality? So... basically... they're some sort of... documentary?
Misaki got irritated just from thinking it all through, but didn't say anything.
"Would you like this?" he heard Usagi mumble.
Misaki sighed.
"If it's 'Misaki and Akihiko' again you know that I won't probably let your laptop survive... are you willing to risk that?" Misaki asked, feeling a bit childish at how rash he'd probably act, and how little control over himself he actually had.
"It's not Misaki and Akihiko. But I can't be sure it isn't bad either..."
Misaki sat down with a sigh.
"So what you're really saying is just that you think Junai Romantica is really good..." Misaki glanced sideways at Usagi while opening his hands as to receive the laptop. It was gently, but a little involuntarily put in his grasp.
Misaki glanced worried at Usagi as Usagi lit a cigarette and moved himself into the kitchen, pouring the steamy water into Misaki's readied cup.
Misaki automatically started from somewhere in the middle to make sure it wasn't just a 'filthy' story set off from a well written – even beautifully well-written – beginning.
... as I moved from the spot. I heard him sigh and toss in his bed. The dim light from the lamp I could imagine lit his room in uncomfortably lonely colours. I heard his head hit the pillow. He'd sat up? Listening to my slight present breath, waiting eagerly for me to be the first to break the silence...?
Misaki felt his breath increase with the strange liking he took to the story.
"Is this it?" he asked, looking strangely longingly at Usagi, having seated himself on the opposite sofa.
"You've read it?"
"Wait a minute!" Misaki said and became silent again, reading the beginning he'd chosen to skip at first.
He lay in his room, talking to me sitting outside in front of his door. He must've heard me sneak away by the slight creaking of the floor as I moved from the spot.
"What's this...?" Misaki asked quietly.
Usagi asked him something else.
"You didn't break the laptop, so does that mean you like it?"
"I don't know, but... maybe I don't dislike it." Misaki said.
It felt like a strange story, one you didn't like to dislike and one you might like but wish you didn't like. Was it because you didn't want to like the feeling behind the story or because it was a feeling you already knew and didn't want to know...?
"I see." Usagi merely uttered and sipped at Misaki's cup.
"When did you...?"
"Write this? Just now, I guess."
"So that's why..."
"What's why?"
Misaki looked directly at Usagi who in turn looked back at him.
"It doesn't have an ending yet."
"It doesn't have one..."
"When will you write i-"
"because there isn't one to write..." Usagi said.
"Why?" Misaki asked.
Why did he care?
"Why, you say? Not everything has an ending."
"What's it called? It's feels somewhat like World Nostalgia, somehow..." Misaki quietly stated, clentching his hand around the ends of the skinny laptop resting on his legs.
"Maybe so. It's a memory so you could say that it's nostalgia too." Usagi said with a soft voice and slight smile.
"I've started to notice something..." Misaki started quietly. "That Usagi-san doesn't smile often..."
only when you're acknowledged very, very sincerely or when you're very sure of the person next to or in fron to you is to be put in an awful lot of trust... like you're very fragile, but don't dare to let show that you're actually a very hurt person inside... and very afraid of losing things or people important to you... do you think it hurts to smile if you can't be sure that the thing or person you're smile at isn't securely in your grasp no matter what? Is it that you're... just a very afraid pure person?
Is it that you can easily have anything, but not something that is an 'everything'? Iis that it? So... am I not someone who is inclined to see you smile very often...? When I smile at such an awful lot... even at insults... just to brush them off more easily... are we really so different?
"Smile...?" Usagi uttered, his eyes looking very surprised.
"Smile..." reapeated Misaki in a dry voice.
He felt like wanting to grab the cup in Usagi's hands and drown his throat in something none-dry.
"Didn't I just-"
"Yes. Yes you did, but still..." Misaki interrupted Usagi.
The were silent for quite some time.
"I smile an awful lot... at anything really. And you... hardly even smile at me..." Misaki said, dropping his head, looking at the laptop screen.
Usagi was quiet.
"Is it because..." because you're not very happy together with me? Is that I am very boring? I don't think that's it although I am very boring... I still don't really think that's it at all.
"Or..." is it that you're not happy with yourself as you were and got together with me... and you're not happy with yourself even now? I really wish I knew you properly... that I wasn't ten years younger than you and that you didn't have anything I didn't know about you... I wish I knew you void.
"Or maybe..."
"Misaki... you're not..."
"Eh? What?" Misaki said, finally deciding to place the laptop at the table.
"Making yourself very clear. All I heard was 'Is it because', 'or' and 'or maybe'. What were you thinking all to yourself?" he asked.
Misaki got up and tightened his lips. He blushed slightly, padding his cheeks lightly with both hands.
"Misaki you-"
"I wasn't, okay! It wasn't like that! I don't think like that! I just-!" he shouted and covered his mouth just in time.
"Just? Just what?" Usagi repeated.
How is it that you can say an awful lot and when it gets down to what people actually get so caught up in is a 'just' or 'but'? basically, people don't want to hear the details unless they're relevant. But aren't details what's a part of making the detailed described object relevant? Isn't it a part of what defines it a something worth taking notice of? What people really want isn't the details, but the conclusions. The only time people expect details are when they don't exist.
"It's nothing..." Misaki said, moving to the kitchen.
"Is it really?" Usagi pushed on.
"It is! Cut it out..."
I fell like we're such a childish... couple. Is it only for comfort that we are still together?
Misaki sighed and Usagi observed from the corner of his eye.
Misaki noticed Usagi's observing and felt unsure whether it was really okay to not just come out an say it.
Where in me can you find that someone's image that looks exactly like you? And then after that, smile at me as dazzly as you can... you're completely like that kind of people... who're most beautiful when they're really haprpy...
The endearing and hesitant look in your eyes takes my breath away... it frightens and amaze me at the same time, thinking 'he has the confidence to be with me but I don't have even that...' but I don't dislike you at all... how very serious of this I am, you don't know.
And even... when you bulge your cheeks acting spoilt, my smile appeared even if only within for now.
As much as I could and can pretend hate to you... yes, I think it's safe to assume that... I don't just hate you in that way... it's more like a I love you 'hate'... I think my heart is a really, really pure white waiting for you to dye it with your clear childlike colours... and all the while you're to do such a thing, however much I may resist or pretend to do so, I'll try tearing down a slight whole in that pure white world of yours and enter someday.
They didn't look directly at each other for the entire day.
Perhaps a nobody had yet to become an everything to a somebody who merely wanted to be his' everything's all.
This has been on my mind lately... I wish Usagi-san's so called 'written' novels in the manga would actually BE written someday. For this I had to imagine how Usagi would perhaps write something... I did my best and the story Usagi 'supposedly' wrote are one I'm working on of my own. A little part of a short story.
Perhaps I'll write another of these with another short story I've got who actually fits Usagi and his atmosphere quite well.
I haven't posted stories in a long time now so I hope it's well recieved, and if not, well, that's okay too :)