Disclaimer: I do not own the Show Nikita or any of its characters

(This is my first story here on fanfiction. Please let me know what you think!)

Pushing Back

There had to be at least one small fragment of the ex-cleaner's past he could find. Something, anything, to give him hope and eventually closure. It was the not knowing that kept him up at night among other reasons, slowly pulling at the recesses of his mind in vain to grasp at straws of what had once been. Getting off the medication had been a lot harder on him mentally than just his physical signs of misery and pain. What most others including Nikita didn't see was how strong his opponent was in this battle against himself. Knowing your enemy meant there was ways to go about strategizing and creating at least a semi solid plan. The only person who seemed to look at him like they knew his pain, truly had experienced it was Alex.

Whenever he caught her looking at him, he knew it wasn't in sympathy or out of shame like Michael and some of the others perceived him. Standing in front of the punching bag, Owen stared straight at it, cold blue eyes set in determination before his curled fist landed a straight blow. As of late all he could think of was I'm not Owen, I'm someone worse. I know it. With that thought reiterating in the silence of the room, his other fist made contact with the firm material sending the punching bag swinging. He liked this, the physical pain. It was something he was physically, mentally and emotionally used to. A constant among variables.

"I hope you're prepared to buy a new one if you wear that one out"came a soft voice from the shadow above the stairs behind the railing. Owen didn't have to look up to know who it was, "isn't any worse for the wear than when you're having you're playtime"shrugging casually he held the punching bag still. "Let me guess Michael sent you down here to keep tabs on me, what he thinks I'm going to go all hulk?"he smirked at Alex who was now walking towards him with a radiant smile. Standing in front of him with her hands on her hips clad in a pair of tight black leggings and a loose grey shirt, the Udinov princess eyed the shirtless ex-cleaner as beads of sweat had formed around his frame.

"Do I look like a babysitter to you?"tilting her head she questioned him. "You know what your problem is," her eyes automatically fixated on his butterfly tattoo "you treat yourself worse than anyone else possibly can." Alex had seen how he had been acting and after spending time in closer proximity with him on a few missions, she was starting to think they weren't so different after all. They both wanted to live their life, be who they truly were yet struggled with who everyone thought they were supposed to be. Amanda was one messed up woman, how she had even managed to erase his memories was beyond her comprehension. Alex wouldn't put anything beyond her now.

Owen stopped what he was doing, pulling off his gloves and carelessly tossing them to the side. "You don't know what my problem is, you don't even know me, nobody does. She made sure of that"he replied bitterly, his eyes not quite reaching her own, instead lingering on every other part of her or anywhere else. If he looked into her eyes, Owen knew that he would see something there that would remind him of Emily. A stranger who had no idea who he really was yet chose to show compassion and concern. He had fallen for her, head over heels in love and there was not a single day that went by when he didn't feel that aching pain of her loss in his life. Her presence, never to be felt and her warmth and comfort now replaced with a sense of abandonment and isolation. Sure he was here at Division, but nobody really cared about him as a person. He was just another weapon.

"You can push all you want, but some people just push back until you're too tired to fight it anymore. Trust me, I learned with Nikita. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably be dead right now. Or...somewhere else" she trailed off not wanting to think about all those other women she could have saved. "I got lucky" her arms in front of her "not saying you will too, but you just need to be patient for that change. Maybe you haven't got your second chance yet." Smiling lightly, Alex ran a hand through her hair thinking about how she was still looking for that second chance. This life she was living now was neither here nor there, always on the fence. But it was for a good cause. "Birkhoff wanted to see you by the way."

Why did she have to say such things, at this point he didn't even have words to reply with. It was just a waste of time and his breath. He had seen a lot of fighters in his time and Alex was definitely one of the strongest fighters he knew. It wasn't just that she was physically a good fighter, it was her inner strength and will power to fight. If only he had at least a little of what she did. He was sure his second chance was botched up and this was it, here. This was his life now.