Farewell

Inspired by the song "farewell" by Tomiko Van. It's a really beautiful song and I highly recommend it. :D

Now just to warn you, this fic is pretty depressing. So if you're in a good mood, this just might spoil it. xD;;

You know, I still don't get you. Even after all these years. I told you quite clearly, "Don't say goodbye." But who would've known you'd be such a jerk and actually listen to me. You didn't say goodbye, you just left. Without a word, you left me. How could you do that? After everything, dragging you back, getting you to stay put; I used to hate you, you know. Hell, I think I still do. I thought I showed you that you belonged here… I thought you understood what I felt, about us. That all we needed was each other. Bastard and dobe. That's what we were. As much as I hate that stupid nickname, you were the only one who could call me that without getting their guts beaten up. Oh, of course I'd beat your guts too, but I wouldn't mean it as much.

How could it be that…you didn't think it was enough? To just be us, I mean. I saw you, I saw you laughing, whether if it was with me or at me. I saw you smiling when you thought I wasn't looking. I saw your mask when we were with other people, cold and indifferent. I also saw the wild hatred that sometimes appeared in your eyes. Sometimes, I'll admit, I'd be afraid of it, your hatred. You once told me that I was nothing like you, that I'd never understand you. But that's where you're wrong. I do understand you. Sure, I never had a real family, and sure, I don't have this ambition to kill my homicidal brother. But the truth is, and I'm sure you already know this,you're my real family, and in a twisted sense, you're my homicidal brother. No, I never felt the need to kill you, like you did to me. People call me insane for even wanting to be your friend again. They say, "What if he tries to kill you, like last time?" But you see, I know you won't. It's weird, because I kinda understand why you wanted to kill me. Like I said, I would never do it, but I understand why you wanted to. I don't even know how I know, but I do. And I don't even think I care that much about it. I know that barely made any sense. I know I'm weird.

I don't care because it simply doesn't matter. I just need you to be near me, next to me. I knew you saw through my mask too, as I've seen through yours. We need each other. I could spend forever trying to explain it, but I know I can't. Not really. It's like the time we were fighting Haku and you jumped in front of me. Back then, you couldn't explain why you did it either, you just did. That's kind of what it's like now. We don't need to explain it, because there's no need to. I knew we were special, I knew it since you came into my life, since I realized you're name had a special meaning to me. And I knew you knew it too, those times when I saw your face was nothing but a scowl but you're eyes smiled. When you'd snap your usual insults at me but no longer held any venom.

We used to take out all our hurt and anger and pain into spars until there was nothing left to feel. Then afterwards, when we'd have only enough chakra to keep us breathing, we'd just lie in the grass, sweaty as shit and everything. That was my favorite thing to do with you, to lie in the grass. It's such a simple thing, I know. I bet you could think of a bunch of moments that were a lot more meaningful, and trust me, I love those too, I love everything we do together, but when we'd lie in the grass, and when it was silent, and you were next to me, I don't know, I just love that. We wouldn't say a word to each other, probably since we were too tired to. Heck, we didn't even look at each other. It's just, when we laid in the grass, my world was perfect.

Remember that time, I think it was your seventeenth birthday, you were in your kitchen and you got so pissed you started breaking all the dishes and pulling out the drawers and knocking over chairs. Luckily I walked in at that time, and through your rage you punched me, right in the stomach. I didn't try to block it or anything, I kind of just let you do whatever you wanted with me. I really expected you to do more, like maybe land one on my face or kick me or something. But you stopped, right there. You kind of just stood there, looking at me. You had this distraught look on your face, the one most people would say would not suit you, but the one I've seen many times. I sort of smiled, not really knowing what to do. That's kind of what I do when I don't know what to do. It's pretty dumb, I know, and I'm sure I looked pretty dumb too, but your distraught face just scrunched up even more and you fell to the floor and looked like you were about to cry. Your shoulders shook and you're breathing was short and I'm pretty sure your throat was all knotted up so that you couldn't talk, but you didn't cry. Not one tear. I understand though. I knew by now that the world would blow up before you'd allow yourself to cry in front of me.

I sat down next to you, next to all the shattered plates and broken wood, and put my arms around you. I don't know how long we stayed there, hours maybe, or was it only a couple of minutes? I really don't know. I do know that the whole night you didn't say anything at all. I wondered when you'd say something, but I remember I was quite satisfied you weren't pushing me away this time. To my greatest surprise though, you did something else, something that would change everything. You kissed me. Your lips were still trembling and everything, and it was only for a second, but you kissed me. I don't remember much that went through my head, the whole thing was a big daze, but I remember I kissed you back, and it was the softest, most tender thing I've ever felt in my life. The kiss wasn't rough or violent, but gentle. It wasn't necessarily slow, but it wasn't fast, it was quiet, and delicate. It felt so fragile that I was afraid if I pressed any harder it would break. I felt your tongue gradually slip into my mouth, tracing the inside of my lip, gently. It didn't taste like anything, but more like I felt it instead of tasting it. I felt like I was flowing, with you, we were flowing. Together.

That night, we slept together for the first time, in your bed. All you did was lie next to me, and just like that, I don't think I've ever felt as complete as I did that night. You fell asleep immediately, but I stayed awake for a little while, and I watched you. Watched your tired face in the dark bluish tint of your room, and how the soft light from the window made the edges of your hair white. And how your soft breathing brushed against my forehead. And how your heart softly beat against my chest as I held you closer.

You see, for me, everything was so surreal. I never thought my life would feel this…good. No, I never could've imagined it. I was complete, whole, perfect, nothing else could've made it any better than this. That's how I felt. That's how I really felt. And I believed with everything in me that that was how you felt too.

So why? I don't get it! I really don't. You know I hate goodbyes, you know we've both had too many losses to lose any more, so why did you leave? Why…when everything was so perfect…when we were so perfect… I thought I understood you, No, I know I understood you. But this…this I don't understand. This, I don't know, this I don't get.

When I don't know what to do, I smile. Like I said, I knew I looked like a stupid idiot, but sometimes I can't help it. It's like this stupid habit I have. Other times when things just went to crap, I'd smile too. It's like my way of trying to force myself to be happy. I dunno, like if my face shows I'm happy, I can kinda trick myself into thinking I actually am, ya know? But of course you have to change everything around. I don't think I smile anymore… I don't think I even want to try. No, I can't, not for this…

My heart, your heart… we're supposed to be together, you know? Can't you see? Didn't you see? Yes, I know you did, I know it. The day you left me felt like any other day. I don't know if I'm supposed to be pissed off at that or not, but the freakin moment I found out you were gone, you wanna know what my reaction was? My reaction was I didn't believe it. Nope, I thought there was no possible way. I thought it was, you know, a joke, like a prank on your part or something. A sick prank, even at my standards, but still, just a joke. You know I used to laugh at myself for being so stupid, for not believing it I mean. For thinking it was a joke. But now I see you're really the one who's wrong. I'm not stupid, you're stupid. You're so stupid I want to beat your fuckin' face until you're fuckin' senseless. And then yell at you and scream, and punch you some more.

Surprisingly, the days after you left, I didn't go crazy or start breaking things or anything. Well, except for when I kinda broke my hand punching whatever crap was near me, but really, after that, I didn't lose my mind, I swear. I didn't have crazy ideas like running off into the wilderness to find you, or busting my mind over ways to drag you back. No, I'm not a kid anymore, even if some might say otherwise. I didn't let everyone know of some new against-all-odds goal I came up with. I mean I didn't announce to the whole world my promise to bring you back. I didn't make any promises, or say I'd keep my word or put up that whole 'my ninja-way' scenario again. My eyes didn't light up or get all fiery like last time. No, it wasn't like last time at all.

When you left, I think everyone thought I'd blow up or something, but really, I didn't. What I did was I went over to your place and I kinda walked around inside your house. The kitchen was all neat and tidy by now of course, since we all know you're such a neat freak. At first I sorta just stood there and looked at the table in the middle of the room and remembered the way you ate; you took small bites and chewed with your mouth closed and everything. All proper and everything. You never dropped a single grain of rice while my ramen soup splattered all over the place no matter how hard I tried.

So when I was walking around in your kitchen, I saw that your chopsticks weren't all lined up in a neat row in the drawer, so I fixed them up, like the way you always used to. It was entirely against my nature, I know, but I fixed them up anyway. Then I'd go outside in front of your house and sit down on the steps. I'd sit there for the whole day. And then when it got dark I'd get up and go back to my apartment, and then the next day I'd come back. Except this time, when I walked through your kitchen, I'd wash the table or arrange the cups a nicer way, or tidy up the chairs or even fix up those chopsticks in the drawer again. And then after, I'd go outside and sit on the steps. I sat on those steps everyday, waiting for you. Waiting for you to come home.

And then one day, out of no where, I just felt like I didn't want to go to your house anymore. Like I really didn't want to go anymore. I dunno, it's not like I suddenly realized you were never coming back… but when I went there… it felt like I wasn't really going there. I was just visiting, because I wasn't going there to see you, because you weren't really there. So it was like I was visiting your grave or something, visiting you when you weren't really there. It gave me this creepy feeling. I mean it's not like you're dead. I shouldn't act like you're dead.

So I stopped going. I don't really know what I did after that. I stayed at my apartment I guess, or wandered around Konoha and stuff like that. Time passed. It passed and passed and passed. And you never showed up. Things were getting normal again. I started going back to Ichiraku to eat Ramen, and I think I finally got the hang of this soup thing. I finally got it to spill less, I really think I do. It's all about eating slower and leaning your head closer to the bowl so the noodles won't fall and make a splash.

Winter rolled around, and then summer, and then winter again. One day I was walking by this store, and I saw these socks that looked a lot like the ones you wore in the winter, except I forgot if you wore black ones or these really really dark blue ones. And I don't know why but that pissed me off. It honestly pissed the hell out of me. I'd never admit it to anyone, I mean, they're socks for God's sake, and they piss me off? But I can't deny that they did. I honestly couldn't remember which ones you wore. It's like my memory of you was blurring in my mind or something, and I hated that.

I never went back to your house after that day, like I said I wouldn't. I actually avoided it at all costs, because now I don't know how I'd feel when I saw it again. Like if I went back, the whole place would probably be all dusty and old and everything by now, and feel empty, and I didn't want to see that.

They say it gets easier with time. This letting go thing. They made me go see a psychologist, can you believe that? It's not like I need it, and it certainly didn't help. 'Cuz they're kinda wrong, I mean it doesn't really get easier. You see, all these things remind me of you. I can't get through a day without seeing something that reminds me of you. Like sometimes, I'd get mad at you too. Some days I felt like I had a right to be mad at you. Like why do I still try so hard not to spill my ramen and chew slower and all this eating-properly crap when you're not even gonna see it? Why do I have to turn around and feel all sick whenever I realize I'm getting too close to your house? And why do I have to get so goddamn upset over socks? It's not fair, that's what it is. It's not fuckin fair. Why am I the one left here, with all these crazy memories and things that remind me of you? I really don't feel good anymore. Thinking about you makes me sick. You made me sick, really, and I feel like I'll never get better.

I told you not to go. I told you not to say goodbye. Because I can't make you a memory.

Remember when I said I didn't turn into a wreck after you left? Well, I guess I'm wrong. Really really wrong. I am a wreck. I'm all about pretending, you know. I pulled off pranks to pretend I was important. I came up with these fake smiles to pretend I was happy. And now I act like I'm not a wreck, pretending I don't care that much that you left. Ha, what a lie. You would've known I was lying right from the beginning though, when I said I wouldn't go crazy or lose my mind over you and stuff, but it's not like you're actually here. You abandoned me.

I'm doing a terrible job fooling everyone now, I can tell. I'm not even fooling myself either, and certainly not you, so what's the point of anything I do? Sometimes it scares me how bad I'm doing. It really does. I don't think I've ever had a good night's sleep since you left. It's just… I can't sleep when you're not with me. Nights are the worst you know… During the day it's bright and noisy and there are people everywhere, and smells and food, and crazy ninja to distract me. But at night, I'm alone. At night it's quiet, and dark, and cold. I hate when it's quiet, cuz then I hear my thoughts, and see memories of you in my head, and worst of all I can hear your voice. I remember your voice...

It wasn't meaningless. To me, you… have become my best friend
Why would you go this far for me?
You really are annoying
Dobe.
Jeez Naruto, ramen again?
Hn.
Thanks... for... you know...
You never change, do you?
Goodbye…Naruto

And at that, my eyes snapped open. You said…goodbye? I didn't remember you saying that... But somehow I remembered it just now. So that's where I was. In my bed, trying as hard as I could to remember anything more about that time you came over, probably when I was asleep, and you said goodbye. Now, after all this time, I remembered.

My head was starting to hurt. I dunno if it was from thinking too hard, or lack of sleep, or both, or maybe I was really getting sick. Honestly I didn't feel right. It was as if I couldn't calm down. My heart always felt like it was being strangled. I finally realized and I was starting to get worried.

I got out of bed—a bad idea—since everything started turning around me and I almost fell. God, was I dizzy. I managed to get out of my apartment and start walking down the street. The night was chilly, which I was silently thankful for because it felt nice against my sweaty skin.

The road I was on was lined with all these streetlights in straight rows on either side of me, and as I was walking down I oddly felt like I was going some place where I wouldn't be coming back.

Then I suddenly got this crazy idea. Well, it wasn't that crazy to me cuz I was dead serious, but I wanted to get drunk. I mean I wanted to get so damn drunk that I wouldn't know anything. I didn't even know if that stuff worked on me, but I wanted to stop all of what was going through my mind right then. I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to…be gone. But it was just my luck that all the bars were closed by now. I had no idea what time it was, but I knew it was dark and it was quiet and I was alone. And somehow, right then, I started to cry. I didn't make a fuss or anything, the tears just kept falling and I couldn't even make them stop, which was weird because I honestly thought I didn't have any tears left.

Anyway, I forced my body to keep walking, though I wasn't really walking anymore, more like stumbling every five seconds, but I really needed to go somewhere now, just one last time. My head was still spinning and I could barely focus on anything because of these bright spots in front of my eyes, but I didn't stop to rest. I couldn't because I was afraid if I stopped I would never get up, and I really needed to get somewhere. You shoulda seen me though, you would've thought I did get to the bar that night and got drunk as hell, cuz I was such a mess.

I finally got there, the place I needed to go. I was standing at Our place, the place where we used to spar, you know, with all the grass. I finally got there, and it was exactly the way it always was, exactly the way I always remembered. And for a moment I was happy. The grass was so long and cool and soothing, swaying…back and forth. And it still had that same smell, tingly and fresh. For a moment I almost smiled, a real smile, if it hadn't been for this horrible feeling I got; like I was about to throw up. I got down on my knees like a dog and coughed and gagged; God, I felt like shit. Good thing I didn't actually throw up though, I didn't want to ruin the grass; it was too perfect.

I started to have these flashes, of your face in the dark, and your head framed with moonlight, your dark eyes, and how your hair felt rough beneath my fingers, and your soft lips pressed with mine, and the heat of your breath, and your hand along the side of my face, and…

I suddenly realized it was hard for me to breathe, but surprisingly I didn't care all that much. My tears were gone. No more would come out, and I cursed myself for not being able to cry more. I still needed to let everything out, I still needed some way to let all this…emotion out of me. Emotion…that was something I always had too much of. It's not fit for a ninja, you know? I still have it anyway. It's always there, to plague me and eat me away. And now it seems it'll be the end of me.

I was somewhat glad my head hurt as much as it did. I was glad every part of my body ached. I was glad I felt so weak. I was glad I felt like I was dying.

In my mind, stuff no longer seemed to make sense, except for one thing: One thing I knew quite clearly.

It seems it won't be kunai or shuriken that will kill me. No deadly assassins and their justus. No, I won't die in battle, fighting or in war. But I will be defeated. The biggest defeat of my life.

And that would be you.