"How nice of you to visit, please, do come in."

This is a parody/humor collection of stories and is intended to be taken lightly.

I'll be perfectly honest with you: I don't know much of the Dragon Age series. I've only watched my brother play some of it when he's come over to my place, but I never bothered to play it myself. Therefore, I can't promise to be lore friendly or depict the characters in a correct way.

The idea behind this first chapter comes from a statement my brother made a while back when he said that there'll be goats in Dragon Age: Inquisition.

You see, he had this habit of killing off goats for fun in Skyrim and seems to intend to do the same in this next Dragon Age game as well.

I'm not happy with how this turned out, but I'll upload it anyways. I hope you'll have some fun at least.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age in any way.

…

Mishaps of the Inquisition

…

I take a good look at the crowd of recruits lined up in semi-straight ranks in front of me. I see men and women of multiple races; humans, elves and dwarves. They vary in age and experience, from farm boys to noble knights. All of them joined under the same banner… the Inquisition. And none of them look prepared to face what we're about to endure in the coming days… that'll be my job as the Inquisitor.

I clear my voice. "Listen up, arrow fodders!" my voice silences any ongoing conversation. "It's been three years since you had your hero complex sated with an epic adventure in Thedas. Now look at you! Sitting around, waiting patiently for the next adventure like a drunkard eyes a lusty wench with a mug of beer, figuring things will simply come to you on their own behalf! Let me tell you this; that's not how life works! People suffer in poverty on the streets, spouses commit adultery and there's a thirty percent chance of being possessed by a demon… at any moment! Now that's how life works!"

I pause to let my words sink into their poor heads. They'll need the breathing room… and so do I; my throat hurts after all that shouting.

"If you want something to get done, you'll grab it in the sack and sow the seed for harvest yourself! That's how you'll make the next adventure happen! And, Maker, did you make it happen! Thanks to week long prayers, severe Lyrium poisoning, blood rites to the elder gods and very intimate love poems; the next adventure's here to make your hero complexes sated once again! What are you waiting for? The world isn't going to save itself!"

…

"I got two closing in", Sera the elven ranger informed Cassandra Pentaghast from her hiding spot… a small shrubbery in the dense forests of Ferelden. "They're Bighorners", the female elf then said in a whisper.

Cassandra had seen and done many strange, bordering bizarre things in her lifetime, but none of them could ever compare to what she had seen and done since she joined the newly reformed Inquisition… and its special leader, simply known as the Inquisitor.

"Bighorners, huh? Guess it's time for Bianca to do her business," Varric the dwarven bard said from the tree branch he had chosen as his lookout. But Cassandra hadn't seen him do anything other than writing in that big notebook of his since they arrived at their designated ambush. And he wasn't writing down tactics for fighting demons, not even his own memoirs in case he'd die. No, Sir, the dwarf busied himself with writing another of his 'stories' as he called them. Cassandra had seen the less then modest illustration of the cover art, and the title… 'The Lusty Elven Maid,' it irked the woman to no end.

The dwarf patted his custom made crossbow and smirked at Cassandra's scowling face. "Hey now, wipe that scowl off of your face, seeker. It doesn't suit the occasion… we got an 'important' mission to complete. Bighorners are fierce this time of the year after all."

His words didn't improve her mood a single bit. They were wasting their time, Cassandra knew it, Varric knew it… and they couldn't do anything about it. "Could you at least stop enjoying this foolish errand so much?" she asked the dwarf.

Varric laughed. "Stop enjoying whatever R&R I can get? That's not gonna happen, missy."

"They're getting closer", Sera hissed at them from her shrubbery. The elven woman took their mission way too seriously for Cassandra's taste.

The mission was straight forward enough; kill any demonic entity that passed through the area. It sounded simple and reasonable on paper. There were only two problems; one, they were far away from the Breach; two, the Inquisition's definitions of demonic entities had been heavily edited after the Inquisitor had gotten his hands on them. Cassandra hadn't believed her own eyes when she first read the new definitions of what classified as a demon. They now included otherwise harmless creatures such as cows and goats. And how had the Inquisitor justified this? He had said that some demons had horns… therefore any creature with horns was suspected to be a demon.

She had thought it was a joke to help booster the morale in the troops, but no, no, the Inquisitor had been dead serious, and the Inquisition had since then dedicated numerous troops to eradicate this new threat wherever they came upon it. Cassandra had objected to this, but few had bothered to listen to her. Only the farmers who lost their livestock were bothered, and they didn't care much for a woman who tried to apologize on behalf of the entire Inquisition. It wouldn't take long before people started to get hungry and notice the fallout the eradication of horned livestock would have. What would happen then?

The 'Bighorners' as Sera had named them made their way through the bushes; two Fereldean mountain goats, significantly larger than the kind you'd find in most farmsteads throughout Thedas. They didn't bother to give the human, elf and dwarf a second look as they made their way towards a nearby clearing. They were probably domesticated goats from some nearby farm who had slipped out in search for a snack.

Cassandra wanted to tell her companions to stand down and let the harmless creatures pass through… but she was honor bound to do her duty no matter what she personally felt. She drew her sword and motioned to her two companions to arm themselves.

"Inquisition… CHARGE!"

The battle didn't last long. Sera downed the first goat with an arrow to the heart. The second was startled by Cassandra's battle cry and managed to avoid her sword. It made a desperate try to escape but was showered by arrows from Varric before it could take more than a few steps towards the bushes it had emerged from.

"May the maker guide you to the afterlife", Cassandra said bitterly and sheeted her sword.

Varric returned to his tree branch and produced his notebook. "So, that's two more demons sent back to the fade." He looked at Sera. "Remind me, how many have we killed today?"

The young elf looked at him with a raised brow. "… Two?"

The dwarf chuckled. "Really, looks like we're on a hot streak." He began to make notes. "'And the brave Seeker charged the demon ranks… full of zeal and lust for blood…'"

Cassandra wished she could've turned off her ears as the dwarven bard began to write down their last heroic deed. I hate my life, she thought as she helped Sera set fire to the bodies.

…

That's it for now.

Feel free to drop a review if you'd like, that always make my day.

I also recommend you to check out some of my other stories; The Goatslayer may interest you if you had a laugh at this.

Cheers!