A/N: Hey girls (and boys if there's some out there!!). So, first of all, please don't kill me. The muse has been nagging and nagging at me for months on end to write this, and well I finally gave in and caved.
This is a standalone ONESHOT. YES you read right... ONESHOT... ONESHOT. ONESHOT. ONESHOT. to 'Why'd you have to go.' Almost like a what if.
WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH. But please, give it a chance? I tried really hard. Like you wouldn't believe.
You have no idea how nervous I am posting this. Seriously.
Takes all of her strength to go through his things,
It feels like she's holdin' him again.
The letters he wrote, the books that he'd read.
And some of the shirts still have his scent
The picture in Florida,
she holds to her heart and cries out loud
Lying awake in the middle of the night,
Trying not to let the kids hear her cry,
She prays for answer or some little sign,
She closes her eyes, and swears she hears him say
I want you to live, I want you to love
I want you to go on and not give up
I want you to live, I want you to try
I want you to know that I'm alright
I want you to fall in love again
I wanna see you smile again and again
I want you to live
'I Want You To Live' – George Canyon.
A wailing sob escaped Lindsay Messer as she sat, resting against the wooden door of their walk in closet that she had once shared with her husband.
The anguish and devastation she had experienced in the past month had nearly destroyed her. With the initial shock of his death, she had shut down. Functioning only at home with her children on autopilot. Functioning on the false pretence that maybe, if she acted like nothing had changed in their home, then he would come strolling in from a triple, asking her what was for dinner.
Except, that 'maybe' hadn't come. As days and following weeks passed, the reality became painfully real as she realised that her husband, Danny, was in fact not coming home.
Ever.
And, what killed her most? The fact that she was there. She was there when he had died. She was there, holding him when he had taken his last breath. She had heard his last words he had uttered to her, knowing his end was coming.
"Tell the kids I'll always love them." He had rasped, "Don't let them forget me,"
"Never," she assured him as she sat on the floor, clinging to him as if her life depended on it.
He first pressed a kiss to his index finger and then moved it to her lips, and whispered, "And you, don't ever forget how much I love you."
And that had been it. The last words uttered from his lips, before his eyes fluttered shut.
And those words had been at the forefront of her mind ever since that fateful day. Tugging on her heart strings, and consequently breaking her heart.
She blinked back tears as she set his shirt that she had been clutching to the side of her and on the floor, as she reached for a cardboard box, placed by his dress shoes.
She dragged the box towards her on the fluffy beige carpet and sat cross-legged as she looked at the box. To anyone, it was just stuff from the past thrown into a box, but to her. To her it was everything.
She pulled it towards her and set it on her lap before taking a deep breath.
On the surface, there was his various high school sporting trophies he had dumped in the box a week previous to his death, muttering under his breath that he couldn't understand why Lindsay insisted on keeping every little thing. They were worthless pieces of plastic and cheap metal welded together to mark some lame achievement.
But, as she gazed down at the baseball trophy he had gained from the 11th grade in her hand, it didn't seem so worthless. Her eyes burned with tears as she ran her finger over his name engraved on the small bronze plate. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand as she placed the trophy by the side of her, on the opposite side to his shirt, and reached in for another item from the box.
It was a slightly yellowed, folded piece of paper, writing on both sides. She gingerly opened it, and held it with her trembling hands.
Lindsay,
I wont stop calling you.
I won't stop texting you.
I won't stop sending you flowers.
I won't stop sending Flack.
And I definitely won't leave now.
A tear fell down her cheek and hit the piece of paper, smudging the ink. In her hands, she held the letter that had saved their relationship in the beginning; sat on either side of her apartment door, both of them crying. Danny had shoved the letter back underneath her door after she had gathered enough courage to move away from the door.
Both had been too awkward to apologise, but at the same time, were too stubborn to let go.
They had faced so much together in the seven years that had passed since they had written that letter.
And, if she could just have one more day to relive her life that she shared with him, she would do it. She would do it in a heartbeat. If she had to give a year of her own life, to spend one day with him and her children as a family she would do it. Thing was, she couldn't. No matter how hard she cried, pleaded and begged with the higher powers to bring him back, it was pointless.
She wiped her tears and set the letter to the side as she picked up another item from the box.
A picture of them stood on Main Street USA in Disney World the summer previous. Cinderella's castle in the background. Both Amanda and Joshua in the trademark blue strollers with the magic kingdom logo imprinted on the side. They were clutching their chosen teddies from the gift shop, while Lindsay sported a Minnie Mouse shirt, and Danny had a Grumpy vest top from one of the gift stores.
They had parked Amanda and Josh next to each other, and they were grinning, despite them being deathly tired from the whole day on the rides and in the lines, while Danny stood behind Lindsay, with his arms wrapped round her waist and his chin resting against her shoulder, as she held onto both of the strollers.
It had literally taken a split second to that that photo. But Lindsay would treasure it for as long as she lived.
It was their picture in Florida. The last vacation they had taken as a family.
She gazed down at the picture and traced her finger of Danny's smiling face. She wanted to smile in retrospect of the fantastic week they had, but couldn't. Her pain and emotions were too raw.
She brought her knees to her chest, and held the photo frame to her heart, and sobbed his name.
She wanted him back. She wanted her family whole. She needed her pillar of strength; her best friend. He was her partner in crime. Literally. They spent as many waking hours as they possibly could with the each other, and then, snuggled close on some nights, not once breaking their contact.
There was a huge void in her life, which she had quickly realised that there wasn't anything ever going to be sufficient enough fill that said void. No one was capable of making her feel as complete as what Danny had done. And she was slowly coming to terms with that. He had been there through thick and thin. Good times and bad. He had been there. Ready to catch her when she fell. He was the focus of her life and worldly existence for as long as she could remember.
She reached for her the blue shirt he had worn thousands of times to work. She held it close, and closed her eyes, as she pretended that she was there, holding him again. The scent filled her with reassurance. With the feeling that with him there, everything was going to be okay. She could lean on him when times got hard.
Honestly, she wanted to go back to the way it was before he had died. She was sick of lying, wide-awake in the middle of the night, facing the left side of the bed, looking at where he used to lay. Visualising him appearing from nowhere, and pulling her close, while uttering reassurances into her hair. Telling her everything was going to be okay. They'd make it through together.
Only, no matter how many stars she wished on, and how many wishes she wasted she knew, deep down, she'd never get that again.
She wiped her tears and carefully placed each item she had pulled from the box back into it's place and returned the box next to his dress shoes.
Just like she did every night.
And she stood up, just like every night and shoved the door in anger as she let out a heartwrenching sob.
It wasn't supposed to end like it had. He wasn't supposed to die in her arms. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. That wasn't what he had promised. He had promised her forever and a day.
Since Danny had been held up in the hostage situation with Henry Darius, both of them had made a point of counting the steps the other took as they walked away.
He had taken six steps away from her before a stray bullet was released from a barrel of a gun, and destroyed her life. Six steps and a split second had all it taken to change four lives forever.
She quickly stripped off her work attire, before slipping the shirt she had been holding over her head and fastening the buttons before climbing into a freezing cold bed.
This was the part of the day she hated the most. Going to bed. The renounced 'I don't cuddle' had soon turned into a cuddler. They had perfected the art of pillow talk over the years, ranging from fluffy flashbacks to their early days to full blown screaming matches that ended in tears.
Usually his.
But, she would take the screaming matches over the silence every single day.
She pulled the covers over her and silently let a tear cascade down her cheek. It killed her everyday that the bed was still made up on his side when she fell asleep, and after a night of dreams filled with them in happier times she woke to a still empty bed. With the covers still tucked under his pillow.
Like they had been for the past month.
She let out a sigh and shifted slightly in her position as she reached out to the side of the bed, and switched off the dimmed bedside light.
As the darkness took over the room, she shuffled into the middle of their bed, and rested her head on his pillow.
When he had been on nights or had to run over into a double and was going to be late home, she had always slept on his side of the bed. Purely because she knew that he couldn't sleep on the right hand side. Every time he had arrived home, he had picked her up, and gently moved her to her own side, before sliding in himself.
Except now, if she was to sleep on the left, he wouldn't be there to move her back.
She heard the creak of the master bedroom door open slightly, with a small silhouette stood in the doorframe.
She turned and briskly wiped her eyes and cleared her throat, "What's the matter baby girl?"
There was no answer.
"Amanda?"
She heard a sniff from the doorway, "Mommy?"
"What Amanda?" Lindsay asked as she rubbed her eyes and sat up in bed, "What's the matter? You have a bad dream?"
Amanda sniffed as she nudged the door open, "When did you say Daddy's coming home?"
Lindsay's heart sunk as she switched her bedside light back on, "Baby… come over here."
Amanda quickly moved across the bedroom and climbed up onto the bed and sat in front of Lindsay. "I really miss daddy. When is he coming home?"
"Baby, remember when I said that…" Lindsay took a deep breath and sat further up in bed, "remember when I said daddy wasn't going to be able to come home, because he went to live in heaven… He has to stay there, baby. Daddy isn't coming home."
"Why?" she asked, eyes filled with tears. "Why mommy? Doesn't he love us anymore?"
Lindsay swallowed, "M&M, you know that's far from it. Daddy loves you so much. He just… he had to… he didn't want to go. He wanted to stay with us."
"But I miss him. So does Josh."
"I know you guys do, and mommy misses him too." Lindsay sniffed, "Mommy misses him so much."
"Why did he have to go, Mommy? Why?"
"Because…" Lindsay paused.
"Because…?" her daughter pressed.
"Mommy doesn't know, angel." Lindsay said as a tear fell down her cheek, "I don't know."
"But you know everything mommy."
Lindsay opened her arms, as Amanda shuffled up the bed, and laid, with her back against Lindsay's chest, "I miss him mommy. I miss my daddy."
A tear fell from Lindsay's puffy eyes, "I know you do, baby. I know how much you want him back, and you know if there was anything in the world I could do, I would do it, even if it was for one more day with daddy, I would do it for you."
For a second Lindsay didn't hear a response from her young daughter. Until a heartbreaking sob filled the room, wracking her little girl with almighty sobs. "Daddy… I miss my daddy…"
Lindsay turned Amanda round in her arms, and cuddled her to her chest, "breathe baby, it's alright, mommy has you."
"I want daddy," she wailed, "I want him, mommy."
"Mommy wants him too baby… Daddy always knows how to make things better."
Amanda's little body shook as she clung to the polo shirt of Danny's that she had worn to bed that night, the remnants of Danny's cologne still lingering on the worn t-shirt, as Amanda buried her face into the area which Lindsay had sprayed his half full bottle that still sat on the bathroom counter.
It was a futile attempt of a reminder of what her husband and her father of her children smelt like, but it helped them deal with the loss of him spraying it on his shirts himself.
Because in all honesty, Lindsay was afraid. She was afraid that once his unique scent faded from the material of his polo shirts and dress shirts she had failed to wash since his death, she would forget what he smelt like. She had the pictures and the videos that reminded her of the way he talked, how he looked and how he acted. But his smell. She couldn't replace his smell. The smell that made him Danny – the only way she could keep the smell lingering was to keep buying his cologne.
Lindsay pressed a kiss to the top of Amanda's head as her sobs and wails subsided and her breathing and heaving calmed significantly, until she was just laid in Lindsay's arms, clutching to her father's t-shirt.
"I want him back!" Amanda wailed, "It hurts mommy, it hurts that he isn't around anymore."
Lindsay closed her eyes and rested her own head sideways on top of Amanda's.
"I miss how he used to take me to the swings, mommy." She told her, "He used to talk to me a lot when we went to play on the swings."
"You remember that?"
Amanda nodded as tears cascaded down her cheek, "He used to tell me that he'd always be here mommy. Did he lie to me?"
Lindsay shook her head, words failing her as tears cascaded down her cheek, "No baby, he didn't lie. Daddy wouldn't lie. He… he will be with you baby, in your heart. He's always right there."
"But that isn't good enough mommy," Amanda sniffed "I want him here. I hear you crying at night Mommy." She said, in a barely audible voice, "I hear you crying. Begging Daddy to come home. It makes me sad."
Lindsay's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry baby," she said as she smoothed her daughters barely shoulder length hair, "mommy doesn't mean for you to hear that… it's just, Mommy… Mommy misses Daddy. A lot. Daddy was my best friend."
"It's okay to cry mommy." Amanda sniffed, "I know daddy knows you don't mean to be sad."
Lindsay smiled, "You're mine and daddy's smart baby girl, aren't you?"
Her daughter nodded, "Daddy was your life, wasn't he, mommy?"
Lindsay nodded as Amanda wiped a tear away from Lindsay's cheek with her tiny index finger. "Who told you that, M&M?"
"Auntie Stellie." The little girl said, "She didn't say it to me though. She said it to Uncle Brandon. She was crying when she said it."
Lindsay nodded, "He really was my life. You and your brother and your daddy. You guys are my whole entire world."
Amanda nodded fresh tears pouring down her cheeks, "Mommy, I don't understand why he left us. Why did he leave? Did he want to leave?"
"He died, M&M." Lindsay told her daughter with a slight hesitance.
"Did bad people kill him? Like the bad people you catch everyday, mommy?"
"Horrible people," Lindsay nodded. "But Grandpa and Uncle Flack and Auntie Stellie put him in prison for a very, very long time."
"Can we trade the horrible man for Daddy? Make the horrible man go away, and bring daddy back?"
"I wish it worked like that, I really wish it did."
"I think daddy would like that mommy," Amanda nodded with a slight smile on her face, "he would, wouldn't he? You know, come back to see us."
Lindsay nodded. "I think he'd like that very much."
Amanda sighed and looked down to her hands in her lap, "I wouldn't mind if he just came back at bedtime."
"Oh yeah," Lindsay nodded as she turned Amanda and placed her on her lap, so that she was facing her. "Why's that?"
"I miss him tucking me in," she sniffed. "Just for five minutes every day mommy. That's all I would want."
Lindsay sniffed, "I want that too. I miss daddy tucking me in too."
"Can I ask Santa mommy? Would Santa bring daddy home? If I say that I don't want presents this year, and I just want daddy, will he do that for me? I'll be really, really good mommy. Like special good."
"Baby," Lindsay sobbed as she shook her head, "Daddy can't come home."
"Can I go visit him?"
"Sweetie, he's in heaven."
"Yeah, I know…" she nodded and sighed out of frustration at Lindsay failing to understand her, "What I mean is can I visit him in heaven?"
Lindsay shook her head, unable to express the words in which the five-year-old could comprehend. So instead, she took a deep breath "We'll see baby girl."
"Does that mean yes?" Amanda asked, eyes wide.
"It means we'll see." Lindsay sniffed as she bit her lip from completely breaking down. "I'm pretty sure it's passed your bedtime, M&M."
Amanda giggled musically, almost as if the previous breakdown had completely left her person, "will you tuck me in?"
Lindsay nodded as she threw the covers off of her, "You need to go to the bathroom?"
Amanda shook her head; "I went."
"Need anything to drink?"
Amanda shook her head.
And slowly but surely, mother and daughter made their way back the latter's pink bedroom.
Lindsay flicked on the light as Amanda scrambled onto her oversized wooden four-poster bed, with a crumpled Hello Kitty duvet cover.
"You know baby," Lindsay sat as she perched on the edge of the bed… "I'm gonna have to wash the sheets soon."
Amanda shook her head, "daddy changed my sheets last. I want to keep them on."
"But baby," Lindsay sighed, "They've been on for a long time… Mommy usually changes them every week, remember…"
Amanda glared at her before lying down on her side and facing the wall and clutching her teddy bear. "I want to keep them on."
Lindsay sighed as she affectionately rubbed Amanda's covered body before leaning down and pressing a kiss to her temple, "I know it's hard right now, but mommy will make sure it gets easier, okay?"
Amanda sniffed as she clutched her 'Lickle bear' to her chest, "Daddy used to say that"
Lindsay kissed her daughter again and stood up, "I love you baby girl."
Lindsay Messer's ears peaked up at a creak of the door, her heart rate increasing for a millisecond, before her senses brought her back to reality.
"What's the matter Josh?" She asked sleepily.
"Mommy, why are you crying?" the three year old asked, stood in the doorway.
"You should be asleep little man," Lindsay informed her son. "Don't worry about what mommy's doing. You just concentrate on sleeping."
"We heard you." Amanda insisted as she padded into the bedroom, next to Josh who had his teddy bear dragging behind him,
"You two need to go back to bed." Lindsay said sternly. "You have kindergarten tomorrow Amanda Messer. Get going. The both of you."
The door shut and she heard the footsteps of an angry little girl storming down the hallway and her door slam shut. It killed Lindsay being the comforter and the disciplinarian. She felt like she was being two different people, and giving her children mixed signals.
She pushed the thoughts from her mind. She had to be strong somewhat in terms of drawing the line. When her children were still up at 3AM, especially with school in the morning, she had to put her foot down. She didn't have time to let the routine and rules change.
"I miss daddy." A little voice sniffed as she felt her son pulling at the covers that dangled down the side of the bed in an attempt to scramble up onto the bed, "Mommy. Help me up."
"I told you to go to bed," Lindsay sighed as she reached down with one arm, and pulled Josh up onto the bed and sat him on her lap, before switching the light on. "Where are your glasses Josh?"
He shrugged, "I don't wanna wear them no more."
"Why?" Lindsay pressed as she prodded his nose; "You look like my little bear in your glasses."
"Daddy wears glasses though."
"That's okay little bear, lots of people wear glasses." Lindsay assured him.
"You don't like it when I wear glasses."
Lindsay furrowed her brow, and pressed a kiss to Joshua's temple, "What makes you say that?"
"You said it hurted when you looked at me to Grandpa Mac," Josh told her, "That I look like daddy. I don't want to make you cry, mommy. So I took them off."
"They help you to see, Josh… You need them on,"
"But if it hurts you…"
Lindsay closed her eyes and took Joshua's tiny hands, "baby, I didn't mean it like that… What I meant was that…" She took a deep breath, "You look exactly like daddy when he was a little boy, and when mommy looks at you sometimes, you look just like your daddy. I love you with your glasses on, cause you look my handsome big boy!" she smiled
"Will daddy be home to take me to baseball on Saturday?" Josh asked.
Lindsay took a deep breath, and laced her fingers through her son's dirty blonde hair, "Uncle Brandon's taking you this week."
"But it's daddy's turn. It was you, Auntie Stellie, Uncle Brandon and now it's my daddy. Why wont daddy take me?"
"Daddy…" Lindsay sniffed, "Little bear, daddy can't take you."
"Why? Is he gonna be at work with grandpa?"
Lindsay shook her head, "Remember what I told you, Josh, daddy can't come home anymore."
"Did he lose his keys?"
Lindsay shook her head, "He went to live with Angels, remember?"
"But mommy, you and Amanda were his angels. He always told me so. Does he have new angels?"
Lindsay nodded, "he's an angel that watches us now."
Joshua sighed, "I miss him mommy. It makes me sad that he wont take me to baseball. It always used to be fun. He used to buy us happy meals and let us eat it in the car!"
"He did?" Lindsay asked, shocked, despite her clearing the wrappers, crumbs and splodges of ketchup from the booster seats in the car herself.
Josh nodded, "he promised me he would let me try a cheeseburger the next time he took me."
Lindsay bit her lip as tears burned the rims of her eyes, "How about I take you tomorrow and we can try a cheeseburger?"
"You're not daddy." Josh said simply. "I want daddy to take me."
Lindsay wiped her tears away, speechless.
"I'm mad at Kevin." Josh said, breaking her silence.
"Did you two have a fight?" Lindsay asked, as she wiped her eyes.
Josh shook his head, "No, I'm just mad at him."
"Why?" Lindsay pressed as she pressed a kiss to Joshua's temple, "He's your bestest friend, sweetie. Why are you mad with him."
"Cause he still has his daddy, mommy. He still has his daddy to take him to McDonalds and baseball. My daddy can't."
"Uncle Brandon will still take you honey, you know how much you love it when Uncle Brandon takes you."
"But that's Kevin's daddy." Joshua wailed, "He's not MY daddy. I want daddy to come home and take me and you and M&M to pizza hut like he did before he went away. I liked getting ice cream factory. Daddy let me get lots of candy. More candy than ice cream."
"I know, and mommy was mad at him, wasn't she?"
Josh giggled, "You said he smelt like a boy and he was mean. And girls ruled the whole entire world, but daddy and me knew you were kidding. Cause everyone knows boys are the bestest."
"Why are boys the bestest, little bear?" Lindsay laughed softly.
"Cause daddy's a boy. And Daddy's the bestest."
Lindsay nodded and cradled her son against her chest, "Daddy was the best."
Josh gazed up at Lindsay, bright blue eyes twinkling with tears "Does he love me still mommy? Even though he lives with Angels, does he still love me and M&M?"
Something inside of Lindsay sunk. "Daddy will never stop loving you." Lindsay told her son, "He told me that. Daddy will always love you both. More than you'll ever know."
"Can I sleep in here?" Josh asked.
Lindsay nodded. "No wiggling though."
"Can I stay in here too?" A little voice asked from the doorway.
"How long have you been stood there, M&M?"
The door opened to reveal Amanda and her 'Lickle bear' clad in a Hello Kitty outfit. "A little while."
"Come on," Lindsay sighed as she patted the bed, "Climb up."
Amanda complied and squeezed in the middle of Lindsay and Joshua, and snuggled onto Lindsay's pillow.
Lindsay switched the light off and lazily rested her arm over her's and Danny's children protectively.
Even though he couldn't protect her anymore, she could at least protect them.
"Mommy, I'm scared." Amanda whispered as she rest her head on the pillow she shared with Lindsay.
"Scared? What are you scared of?" Lindsay asked as she moved Amanda's bangs out of her eyes with her free hand.
"I keep thinking I'm gonna forget what daddy looked like. Or what he sounded like. And I don't want to forget."
"You wont forget, sweetie." Lindsay assured her, "Mommy has lots and lots of videos with daddy and me and you and Josh. We have lots of pictures. You wont forget."
"I can't smell him anymore mommy, I can't remember what he smelt like. I always loved the way daddy smelt. He smelt like my daddy."
"I know," Lindsay said as she switched the light back on, "You sleep on daddy's pillow. You and Josh share daddy's pillow, and you can smell daddy as you drift off to sleep, how does that sound?"
Amanda nodded tearfully as she cuddled up to her brother and rested her head on the massive pillow.
And as Lindsay watched her two children snuggle into their father's pillow, she turned to her bedside table and gazed at the picture of Danny and herself, posing with his cell phone high above their heads with a bag of cotton candy between them, grinning like they didn't have a care in the world.
She traced his face with her finger and took a deep breath.
Silently promising him that he would never, ever get left behind.
I just want to stress that this is a standalone ONESHOT for WYHTG... And Danny will NOT die in WYHTG. Cause this killed me writing it, so you don't have to worry. It was just something me and the muse had to do.
I hope it wasn't too painful to read, and you somewhat enjoyed it.
R&R? It would be much appreciated *tackles*