-1Four in the Morning

Rating: PG-13ish.

Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy, this song wouldn't remind anyone of Derek. Because I would never screw up the show this bad. Obviously, I don't own the show.

Summary: A season 3 song oneshot. The downfall of Mer/Der from Derek's perspective. It jumps a lot, starting with the end of the finale and then him remembering things. So yeah…quotes from the actual show are in italics, the lyrics are in bold.

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

His eyes forced themselves open in response to the sunlight streaming into his trailer, highlighting the stubble on his face. He attempted to close them, reaching in vain for a warm body to pull himself closer to and instead finding an entirely empty bed. Not that this was new, still, the pain of not finding her there brought back her terrible words. His own begging. And then her answer. "It's over. So over." Every fiber of his being wanted her to mean the wedding, Burke and Cristina's relationship, but she had looked at him. She had looked at him with tears in her eyes. Tears he couldn't wipe away. Tears he hadn't been able to wipe away for a long time. And now, he was entirely alone.

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me.

The pain shot through his chest and he forced himself to sit up, running his fingers through his hair and then looking down at his now wrinkled tuxedo. Numb. He had been numb the night before. Numb as he watched her walk away. The love of his life. The woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The woman he absolutely couldn't live without. The woman who dominated his nightmares and dreams, his every waking moment.

Now, he was feeling the pain incredibly acutely. Nothing in the world could possibly hurt worse than this. He had thought her possible death would kill him, but her finally putting him out of his misery was incredibly worse. He had begged her. Put me out of my misery. Something in him had told him she loved him, somehow, she loved him. In her own way, she loved him. He had never thought she would actually end this. End them. Not after everything they had gone through.

Never mind the sneaking around, his wife, months of watching her across an operating table, flashes of her naked body on top of him running through his mind, the Vet, the prom sex, the dating two men at once, him walking away, the ferryboat accident, her drowning. Never mind any of that. It was everything after that. It was every single second after he had walked into her hospital room to find her still breathing, still alive.

I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot

He had spent hours upon hours watching her at night, listening to her breathe. The question running over and over in his head: Why didn't she swim? Why hadn't she swam? What had he done so wrong that she gave up? She had saved him. She kept him breathing, moving, happy. What had he done wrong? Why hadn't he been able to convince her there was something beyond her mother? Why hadn't he been able to convince her to fight? And if he slept, he jerked awake to make sure she was still breathing, make sure she was still with him. He went to work more exhausted than he ever had in his life. But she was okay. She was still breathing. And yet he still couldn't ignore the voice in his head that wondered why she had ever stopped.

And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

He would watch her at work, watch her moving, laughing, breathing. That was the most important thing. That she breathed. Because for an hour, he had watched her not breathe. He had put his lips to hers and breathed for her, actually breathe for her. Metaphorically, he had done it the entire length of their new relationship, but this time, literally, he had breathed his air into her, hoping somehow, it would give her new life. He had given her every last bit of him, his breath, and somehow, he was alone.

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love

He had walked into that locker room, seen her in the beautiful brown dress, thought she looked almost as gorgeous as she had at prom just months before, almost as beautiful as she had looked that first night in the bar in the form-fitting black dress he had taken off her body in a hurried, sexually-driven rush. But she was beautiful in this dress. And she had stammered. That adorable rambling she did when she wasn't sure what to say exactly. If you wanna break up with me so you can see other women, just do it. Don't tell me you met another woman. Just end it if that's what you want. He had hurt her. He hated that. He hated that he had hurt her when he had told her about that damn girl in the bar. Just a girl. He had talked to her for maybe forty-five seconds, but he had hurt Meredith. And he hated that he had done it. So he took a big breath.

And offered her everything. Everything any girl could ever want. He had put his cards on the table. No more hiding. No more of the off and on bullshit that they so adolescently played with. He did the one thing he probably should have done in his relationship with Addison and talked. Pointed out the problem and offered her the solution. You're the love of my life. A completely recent realization. He had always loved her, god he had loved her from the moment he had walked out of the OR to find her in that chair and she had so breathlessly complimented the surgery. But she was it for him.

Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

He was entirely incapable of not being with her. He had considered it. Considered choosing being chief over her. But painful nights in his trailer alone confirmed that the petite blond had somehow cruelly gotten underneath his skin, and was quite possibly never going to leave. At least, not if he could help it. It was the cruelest of ironies; after months of trying to avoid her, of trying not to sniff her hair in elevators, of trying not to imagine her naked body draped over his, she was now completely unresponsive to him.

Stay up till Four In The Morning and the tears are pouring
and I want to make it worth the fight

He had told Thatcher Grey Meredith was worth the fight. Worth the hardships. Worth the stubborness and all the difficulties. And yet that night alone in his trailer after she had left, he had felt the first stream of tears coming over him, the first complete and total sign of exhaustion. She exhausted him. Sometimes in good ways. But if you make an effort, she's worth it. She's worth the effort. He just wondered at what point the was supposed to stop making the effort. At what point in time did she become not worth it? Was it possible for her not to be worth it?

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found

He supposed he had been cruel that night in his trailer after the sex. She was trying to communicate, she was. He had been proud of her, or at least when he thought about it later he was. Meredith Grey never communicated. But she had tried. Tried to communicate. And so had he. With the entirely wrong words. His sister Kathleen would probably tell him in no uncertain terms he should have chosen his words more carefully, especially for someone who had given up. But he hadn't. He had just….he had hurt her. I don't know if I want to keep trying to breathe for you. When he had said that, he had just wanted to know that she wouldn't ever stop breathing again. He just wanted to know that he wouldn't lose her again. Instead, it had sounded like a complete and total slap in the face. They had never been good at actually communicating. Sex, yes. Flirting yes. But communicating? Apparently, they were both missing out on the communication genes.

Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down

I want to be better at everything, and I want to let you in. I swear. He had believed her when she had come to him and given him the cute little rambly speech. He had believed her, or at least, tried to. He had tried to believe her. Tried to believe that she would change and let him in. It was all he wanted. All he truly wanted from her was to be let in. And yet, the second she needed him, the second something bad happened, she turned from him. She completely turned and ran to her friends. Which was apparently a new thing. At some point, he had gone from being the go-to guy to being…he wasn't even sure what.

It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?

These days, whenever he was around her, he felt he was a nuisance. Or a sex toy. He imagined at some point, he wouldn't have minded being a sex toy for her. But now he wanted more, needed more. Never would he have imagined he would be divorced from Addison and needing more, begging for more, from a petite blonde ten years his junior. That had never been a part of the plan. Hell, when he had gotten to Seattle, he hadn't wanted another relationship. He hadn't wanted a damn thing except to be chief and fish for the rest of his days. So why was it now that he couldn't breathe anytime she walked away from him? Anytime she explicitly turned from him and went to her friends? Where had this all gone so damn wrong? Or, in reality, so damn right?

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have

He needed one thing from her. He needed her to cuddle with him in bed again. To giggle in a bath tub. Slow, we're taking it slow. He let his lips crack into a smile at these memories. At the memory of holding her in a bubble bath, her body feeling so right against his. He wanted to keep her room mates up all night. He wanted to hold her when she cried, laugh with her when she laughed, breathe with her, for her. He had tried not doing those things. He had tried that and had failed so incredibly miserably in a moment at prom. He had made the wrong choice once, and now he had another choice to make. It's over. So over. Or fight.

And all I know is
You got to give me everything
and nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

He wasn't sure at what point in time he was supposed to stop fighting. Wasn't sure at what point in time he was supposed to stop begging her for a chance, a real chance. He was forty-one years old. And she made him feel like a gawky fifteen year old. But their relationship couldn't be adolescent. He imagined one day he would marry Meredith Grey. Somehow, he imagined it. Not now. But one day. But he needed more from her. More than what she was giving now.

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

In reality, he would love for her to come to him. For her to come and say, "I want you to know me, Derek Shepherd." He had said those words to her. "I want you to know me." He had said them and he had supposed he had meant them. Because he wanted her. To know him. To love him. But if he knew anything about Meredith Grey, he knew she would never come to him. She needed to, but the only way she would open up to him again would be if he made the conscious effort to get her to do so. Somehow, they had fallen apart. He had stopped communicating, she had tried and had been blindsided by his lack of communication. They were both at fault here, and he'd be damned if he wouldn't fix this.

Stay up till Four In The Morning and the tears are pouring
and I want to make it worth the fight

He pulled himself out of bed, showered, and then dressed, his heart pounding. He was going to fight for her. Love her. If he had to breathe for her, he would find a way to do that. He couldn't live without Meredith Grey. He couldn't be Derek Shepherd without Meredith Grey. They had never gotten a chance. A chance to prove they were a couple. To prove they could be together forever. To be Meredith and Derek. That chance had been promised and stolen from them, through their own mistakes. But he was stealing the chance back. It was his chance now. His chance to be McDreamy. Her McDreamy. The love of her life.

What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

He drove to her house on automatic. The house he had more or less been moved into. There were words going through his head, big words. Big promises and statements. Proposals that didn't sound right. But there were words, words he could say. And yet, the moment she opened her front door, her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, he lost all of them. "Derek?" she breathed, tears shimmering in her green eyes. "What…it's…what are you doing here?"

"I love you," he said automatically.

"Derek---"

"I love you, Meredith Grey," he said quickly. "And somehow, you love me."

"But, Der, I---"

"You love me?" he hadn't meant for it to sound like a question, but it did.

"I…I do but I, Derek, I don't know…there's…there's so much and it's over and what are you doing here?"

"You love me."

"Derek…people like me…"

"People like you?" he stared at her. "There is no one like you, Meredith Grey. Cristina's not you. Izzie's not you. No one is like you. And that's probably a good thing. I'm hoping no one else has ever been this tortured over a girl like you, Mer."

"Der?" she frowned.

He took a deep breath, trying to think of what to say. Trying to will the words that had been running through his head earlier to come and make an appearance. But as he looked at her, as his heart pounded in his chest, he couldn't think of anything to say. It's over. So over.

Give you everything
Give you all of me

And so instead, when he let out his breath, he looked into her eyes, took a step towards her, her body heat giving him courage and simply said, "It's not over."

Fin

Author's Note: Um…yeah. I'm basically crying my eyes out here. Because I've been avoiding thinking about the finale. Talking about the finale. But then my sister was watching MTV one morning and "Four in the Morning" by Gwen Stefani came on. I couldn't totally understand the lyrics so I looked them up and then burst into tears. It's Derek. It's totally Derek and so this oneshot came into mind. And…yeah. I have no idea if it's even that good. So I'm putting it out there and…yeah.