A/N: Laugh... you know you want to.
Ednerd and Smella lounged out on a porch together one gloriously perfect morning.
"Eddie?"
"Yes, Smellie."
"Do you think if I tied you up on a fan, you'd make a decent disco ball of sparkles?"
"That would mean I'd have to wear spandax, Smells."
"You're right, I wouldn't want other girls eye-googling your lighting rod."
He grinned at her. "Would Lamby-pie be jealous of Lion-puss."
Smella glared at him. "No way, Ednerd. I'd just look at my plain, unattractive self in the mirror. I wouldn't even think of my ivory man-slave at all."
"But, you're Smella Swoon. The first mortal goddess I've come across in like a hundred years."
"Ednerd." She thought a moment. "If you cried right now, would it be tears of diamonds?"
"But of course, fair maiden. I am a vampire with gemstone-encrusted internal organs."
"Ya don't say...What's the saddest thing you can think of?"
"Loosing you to Drake the Werewolf."
Smella received a txt. message. Bella, ur ttly hawt. Dump Edward.
"A text message!" Ednerd roared, tears of diamonds springing from his limpid pools of golden eyes.
"I'm RICH!" Smella cried and gathered up the gemstones in her shirt. "So long you Dieting Dracula."
"Oh, well." Ednerd sighed in defeat, shrugging. "Guess I'll find some other hormonely-challenged virigin. But man, this really bloodsucks."
(Smella miles away, having given up all world possesion to make her diamond castle called The Smella Estate...)
"Wait, these aren't diamonds. They're cubic zirconium! RIP OFF!"
Fin. lol. Don't take this seriously, it's just for laughs.