Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with The Twilight Series. But I love Jacob and the thought of him being with Leah. Two broken halves of a heart, coming together to heal. Nor do I have anything to do with "Hard to concentrate" by RHCP or the poem "Fire and Ice" by Robert Frost. I love all three of those things, but...I have no part of it. The only thing I DO own is my imagination. Oh, joy, lol.
REMEMEBER! --- Comments are love 3
Leah is much more vulnerable in this fic than most others. But I think I stick pretty true to her. Correct me if I'm wrong. Hence why comments are love. Thanks! 3333
It drags in the beginning, but give it a chance, ok?
Hard to Concentrate
Hustle Bustle
And so much muscle
Our cells about to separate
Now I find it hard to concentrate
"What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible."
Those were the first words I heard Leah speak today that were actually the truth. She had been rambling on all day long and finally, she said something worthy enough for me to take note of. I smirked to myself, hoping she didn't catch it.
I took a quick glance at her, just in time to catch her rolling her eyes. I had to look down, put a hand over my mouth, to avoid letting myself laugh out loud. The last thing I wanted was to get smacked upside the head. Leah had a tendency to do that...for no reason.
So, I won't give her a reason now.
"Are you listening to me? Or are the sounds of the harp distracting you?"
This I had to narrow my eyes to. She made fun of my imprinting saying that all I could hear was the sound of a heart playing. She claimed that cupid himself played the harp. Ugh, she just loved rubbing it in. Leah thinks that I enjoy having imprinted. But the reality is that I don't like it anymore than she does. But it's something i have to deal with.
I pretend to laugh, oozing sarcasm, "Oh, haha. You're so witty, Leah. What would I do without your constant harassment?"
Ignoring my jab, she rolled her eyes, "Really, kid. Don't act like you don't appreciate my witt. It's top-knotch and you know it."
I managed to chuckle a bit; she had a way of unintentionally making me laugh. I've learned to ignore her...well, for the most part.
And temporary, this cash and carry
I'm stepping up to indicate
The time has come to deviate and
"Hey, Jacob."
Her voice was different. I knew she was asking me for attention, but she was hesitant. I couldn't pin-point what she wanted to say. As much as I knew Leah like the back of my hand, I never doubted her ability to suprise me.
"Yeah?"
Her face became soft and unsure; like she was fishing for words. I'd only seen Leah like this once and it was when she was talking about Sam. Telling me that she loved him enough that she wanted him to be happy...she just didn't want to stick around to watch. I remember that vividly; it was the closest I ever felt to her.
She opened her mouth to speak, then shut it again, her brow furrowing. I could tell that this was probably the last thing she wanted to talk about - whatever it was.
"Is it about imprinting?"
Her face turned into a sneer and I knew I had hit the jack-pot. Again, I had to supress another laugh. I would have just laughed in her face, but the look on her face didn't give me a chance to annoy her like she always annoyed me. Damn it.
Then, like a wildifre, she let loose. Well, her mouth, at least.
"I know how it feels like through your head; the feeling is overwhelming. I don't know, Jacob. In your head, it feels like you were locked up for so long and then finally after so long, you've been freed from heavy chains. The feeling conflicts with the vision that I see. I see a man who can't think for himself. I see a man who doesn't know which was is up; like someone is under a non-refundable love spell. It's sickening to see, but amazing to feel. I'm stuck Jacob. I want nothing else but to support you, but its something I just can't leave behind. We're a pack. We're family. We're supposed to support each other, right? So, why is it so hard for me to do that?"
All I want is for you to be happy
And take this moment to make you my family
"Leah-!"
"I just don't like that everyone out there has someone made for them; someone that comes in this shiny little package, in mint condition, there to fix you're heart. I think everyone deserves that chance to become wise and learn life lessons. Nothing should be handed to you!"
Leah finally looked me in the eye and hers were on the verge of releasing a waterfall.
"It's not fair to me, to you, or to you're imprint. It's all crap!"
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found…
I knew she was no where near done, but I had to say it.
"It's beyond my control."
"I know that, Jacob!" she yelled, wiping her eyes before any more vulnerability could be shown, "I know that! I'm more aware of the feeling that you think, damn it. You had so much potential, Jacob. You really did."
"What do you mean?" my voice was only a little above a whisper.
"You had so much potential to live. Now, you're tainted. All I wanted for you was to live and live without inhibitions and find a real love."
I couldn't believe my ears. Or my eyes. For the first time in years, I saw that smart, wise, compassionate girl I used to know so long ago. The one who took pride in her fry-bread. The one who used to speak from her mind with genuine compassion. This was the girl I found to be beautiful and she was pouring everything out on the table. Free for me to do what I want with it. For the first time, in a long time, I found myself staring at Leah in a whole new light.
Leah still has years of healing. But one day, her heart will mend; it will heal. She's on her way to recovery. I want to be there to help. Beyond the mask of hurt and destruction, that girl that Sam left behind is still there. Shining through with all her imperfections.
That's what I came to appreciate about Leah: she was perfect in the sense that she wasn't.
Death defying, this mess I'm buying
It's raining down with love and hate
Now I find it hard to motivate
"Leah, I'm still living. No, not how I was supposed to. But theres nothing I can do about it."
She stared at me for a moment and I wasn't sure if I should smile or quiver under her penetrable gaze. Like I said, I never doubted her ability to suprise me. Leah was a jack of all trades.
Finally, she spoke. "You're the strongest person I know. I think if you really take the time, I think you can live...how you were supposed to. Sam couldn't do it, but I know you can. You're a whole other ball game, kid."
"Maybe I should go," I said, feeling more than uncomfortable, "I don't want to get into an arguement."
"I'm not trying to argue with you! You're my Alpha, I'm you're Beta. How can we be partners if we don't speak our minds?"
"Leah! Don't you get it? No matter what you say, I can not change what's happened. It's happened and I can't take it back."
I started to walk away, but a firm hand on shoulder turned me around.
Leah was crying; crying hard. "I know you know what dissapointment feels like! It's not very pretty, is it? Don't disspoint yourself, Jacob. Don't give up."
I pushed her away, feeling a course of emotions course through my bones. But she held on tighter, her body starting to trmeble. I sighed, thinking about how she needs more control of her phasing.
"So, that's it, right? This conversations over."
She narrowed her eyes me, "No. It's not."
I was aggravated and bored. What else could she possibly feel the need to discuss?
"Out with it then."
"Tell me how it feels. I want to really know. I'll never get the chance..."
I stood there, bewildered. "Are you serious? You can't be serious."
"Do you honestly think I'd ask you this if I wasn't?"
I sighed and looked up at the sky. What the hell did I do to deserve this?
"I don't know how to explain it. You seem to have gotten the gist of it."
"Then show me," she whispered.
The hairs stood up on the back of my kneck, the emotions brewing through my veins, coursing over my bones, coming to a boil.
I closed my eyes, taking note of the seriousness in her voice. Taking a deep breath, I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her. "Close your eyes."
And estuary is blessed but scary
Our hearts about to palpitate
And I'm not about to hesitate
Slowly, I ran my hands through her jet black hair. It had grown out to her shoulders. As I got to her shoulders, I let my thumb travel over her collarbone.
I heard her hitch a sharp breath, and the sound gave me goosebumps. I gently rubbed my face against her cheek, taking in her scent. I didn't let her smell get to me, although I knew it all too well. Berries, fresh-water and the sun. It was a breath of fresh air, compared to the smell sickening smell of candy. I pushed that scent out of the way, as I exhaled, making my way down to her neck.
I nibbled on the side of her neck, then kissed my way up to her jaw. Both my hands found their way to small of her back and as I gave a quick squeeze, her arms soothed their way up my bare back. Without thought or hesitation, I pulled her even closer to me. I could feel her shaking in my arms. I smiled as I felt her erratic heartbeat. She placed a soft kiss on my chest, right above my heart. I opened my eyes, watching her place kisses on my chest and collarbone.
The sight had more of an affect than I thought it would on me. She was on her tip-toes, making her way up my kneck like I had done to her moments before. Although her eyes were closed, I saw a tear escape from one of them. I kissed it away and she let out a low chuckle.
Wow.
And want to treasure the rest of your days here
And give you pleasure in so many ways, dear
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found…
As she got to my jaw, she opened her eyes. Those eyes...so many questions, so many fears. How was I not going to disspoint her?
My mind wasn't working; it has malfunctioned. The only thing in my body that was working - in over-time- was my heart. And it was about to jump out of my ribcage.
I cupped her face and bent down, placing my lips to hers. Two burning fires, coming together. An inferno of emotions.
Hands we everywhere, gasps of air the only sounds as the two of us let out everything; our frustrations, our trust, our fears, our friendship, our respect for each and the mutual love we grew for each other that, until now, was simmering under the radar. Simmering, waiting to be made into a burning inferno.
She broke apart from me and hugged me, holding on. The both of us out breath.
"We can't do this, Jacob. We can't do this."
For the first time in a long time, I let wave of selfishness sweep over me and I held on tighter. A larger part of me wanted nothing but to hold on to her forever.
Do you want me to show up for duty?
And serve this woman and honor her beauty?
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found... yourself
With me...
With a gust of wind, an intoxicating smell of candy filled my lungs. The mix of it with the sweet smell of berries, fresh-water and the sun was too much for me all at once. I heard a sob and I knew it was Leah. I knew she smelled the candy and I knew she felt my body go rigid.
"I'm so sick of being second-best," she sobbed, pushing away from me. My mind was finally kicking into gear, working in unison with my aching heart, screaming at me to not let her go. But my limbs become numb and useless.
"I'll see you around, okay?" the look on her face was heart-breaking, "This isn't going to change anything."
She lied.
"Leah..."
She put up a hand to stop me, "I love you, Jacob. Just know that, okay?"
And she was gone. So, there I stood, my arms outstretched, my lips trembling.
It only took me a moment to fall to my knees, out of breath; like the wind had just been knocked out of me.
So, ice once again won the fight. Seperating two wildfires.
Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. But if I had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate, to say that for destruction ice is also great and would suffice...
Too bad I have to pay the ultimate pirce-
My heart, my mind, my soul. Forever.
"I love you, too," I spoke a loud. I hoped she was still close enough to hear me.
The candy smell was closer now. I balled my first and pushed against the earth.
One fire chasing the other. I'll chase her for however long it takes.
Imprinting is supposed to be like a blind man seeing for the first time. Now that I've tast real, untainted desire, I know the truth. Imprinting is what makes you blind in the first place.
I was broken, but now I'm found.
All I want is for you to be happy
And take this woman and make you my family
And finally you have found someone perfect
And finally you have found…
Yourself.
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