Sitting in Glee, watching everyone rehearse "Born This Way" makes me think. Kurt's wearing skinny jeans again and watching him does things to me; things that I know I'm not really smart enough to figure out.
I have to try though because this is getting out of hand.
His hipbones are indecent. No, I can't get distracted.
I've always known I cared about him, even before our parents got together. I've always known that there was something different about him, and not just because it's so obvious he's gay. I tried to ignore it for a really long time. The "Faggy" meltdown was kind of the end of my… what's that word Rachel called it?... oh, denial.
I've been in denial for a long time. Not just about Kurt, but about what that meant for me.
What the hell am I?
I've spent lot of time watching people trying to figure out the answer and this is what I've come up with so far.
I really do love Rachel. She gets me and she's hot. So, I know I'm not gay.
Quinn is scary and I think I dated her and talked myself into liking her more out peer pressure than anything else.
Kurt is just as hot as Rachel and might even understand me better just cause he's a dude
There's a spark in Kurt and Rachel that I'm drawn to. It's what makes them different. I know I'm not the only one who sees it.
I look at the Cheerios, Santana, hell just girls in general and it's hard for me to think about them… sexually. I mean I can appreciate Santana's smoking hot body, but even after sleeping with her, I can't imagine myself with her.
That's the official list, but there are other things that I haven't finished thinking about. Like guys. I can appreciate them the same way I do girls. I can look at a dude and say, "Man, those are some nice abs." Just like I would Brittany's killer thighs. But there's no connection.
I don't feel anything about them. So, what the hell does that make me? Really fucking confused, most of the time.
Am I bisexual? Fuck, this is hard. My brain needs a break.
0.0.0
Sitting in Glee again, forcing myself not stare at Kurt's ass. Or Rachel's.
Why are her skirts always so damn short? And why does Kurt have such nice biceps? Damn.
Anyway, I've been trying to think about what keeps me from making a move on Kurt, other than the whole Step-Brother/Blaine thing.
I don't know if I would have the balls to kiss him even if our relationship wasn't so complicated. Does that mean I should stick with Rachel?
Could I be fully happy with her though, not knowing? Wouldn't there always be that little voice in my head questioning my identity. I can't hurt Rachel again. It would break me.
So, what the hell do I do?
I'm so fucking stuck.
I can't experiment with people I don't care about because I'm not really attracted to them. It's not the same.
Wait. I'm not attracted to people I don't know.
I can't, even as a teenage boy, picture myself having sex with some random hot girl because it's like a piece of them missing.
Daydreaming about going down on Kurt, though, that I do on a daily basis.
What th-
"Are you ok, Finn?" Pulls me out of my thoughts. I look up to find Kurt's thoughtful blue eyes staring at me cautiously and the room empty.
Shit.
"Yeah, just got lost for a bit, I guess. Thanks for pulling me out." I stand and grab my bag. Kurt and I walk to his Navigator in silence.
I can tell his curiosity is killing him. I can see it in how slow he walks and how he's trying really hard not to look at me.
When we reach his car, he finally looks at me. I hope he can't see how conflicted I am. If he can, he doesn't show it.
We get in the car and he starts to drive home, just like every other day.
Like I didn't just hit on something huge. I want to talk to him about it. I want someone to understand and I think he is the only one who really could. I know he wouldn't judge me.
But I still don't have the balls to admit it out loud.
I'm such a pussy.
Apparently, I'm a pussy with weird nipples. Fucking Santana. Like there aren't enough things I disliked about myself. I'd never even thought about them before.
I feel like that's a part of this too. I really dislike my body.
I can't imagine letting some random person see me, like see me, the way someone I had sex with would.
I subconsciously ran my fingers through my hair and Kurt throws me a concerned frown. I've been really quiet around him lately.
But he always makes me think way too much. I can't talk and figure shit out at the same time.
I have to do this though. I can't be scared because then I'll never know and I'll never figure out a way to be happy.
I let out a deep sigh and turn to face Kurt.
"Can I ask you something?" My voice shakes a bit. He looks at me briefly, still trying to concentrate on the road, but that concerned frown is still there.
"Of course."
I look down at my hands and try to pull all my thoughts together into something that might make sense to him.
"I've been thinking a lot lately."
"Yeah, I've noticed." His eyes shift back to me for a second and I know if he weren't driving he would be leveling me with his intense, caring stare. That one always makes me talk.
So, simplest way or long and drawn out? I'm sure it will all come out eventually. Kurt's a great listener, but what's the very first thing about this that I want him to understand?
He looks at me again from the corner of his eye. God, he's beautiful.
Yeah, that's it.
"You're um-. You're beautiful, you know that?" I close my eyes as soon as I say it. I can feel his eyes on me. I keep my eyes closed for a few more seconds.
"What?" he asks softly. I can hear the uncertainty in his voice. I finally open my eyes and look at him. His eyes are on the road, but he's full on frowning now.
"I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about why things didn't work out with Quinn and why I love Rachel, but can't stop thinking about… you." I look down again and nervously wring my hands.
We stop at a red light and he looks at me. I had no idea how he would react, but he looks angry and that's an option I hadn't considered.
"Is this- Finn. Are- are you serious?" Yep, he's definitely angry. Fuck.
"I'm not trying to mess with you or, like, steal you from Blaine. I know that won't happen. I don't know if I could ever act on anything, but I need someone to talk to about-"
The car behind us honks their horn and we both look up to see the light is green. Kurt starts to drive again and I almost start to talk again, but something about the look in his eyes makes me stop.
"Should I wait till we get home?" I ask softly.
He nods his head and doesn't really look at me the whole rest of the way home.
Maybe this wasn't the best idea.
0.0.0
Kurt drags me up to his room as soon we enter the house. I stay silent while he shuts the door and paces for a few seconds. I'm not really sure where to start now so, I silently give him control.
"I'm going to try to stay objective here because I know how hard this must be for you, but I- I can't promise not to get angry. I can't promise to understand why the hell you're doing this now." He pauses dramatically for a second.
"So, whatever you want to tell me or whatever questions you have, you can go ahead." He looks really uncomfortable all of a sudden and stares down at his feet.
"I have no idea what I am." I figure its best to be blunt at this point. I bring my feet up under me to sit Indian style on his bed and pull my shoes off when he glares at me.
"I've accepted that I'm not completely straight." Kurt's eyes grow just a bit wider.
"Well, that's a huge step. Did- did you come to that conclusion alone? Have you talked to anyone about this?" He asks and I can tell he's gone into brother mode, whatever anger he felt slipping away.
"No, I didn't know how. You were the only one I wanted to talk to, but you were kinda the reason for the problem and I didn't want to make things awkward if it turned out to be nothing." Kurt looks thoughtful for a moment. I can tell there's a lot of things he wants to know.
"Is it just me? I'd hate for you to go through all this because I didn't know how to respect people's boundaries."
"At first, that's what I thought, but I've always noticed you in a way I didn't other guys. I thought it was because you're gay, but now I don't think so. There's something about you; you're personality. There's a spark in you and that's what I think is hot." I blushed a bit.
"After I figured that part of it out, I started to notice other, um, more physical things that I liked too. I-I've tried checking out other guys and girls. I'm just not attracted to people I don't know. It feels wrong to think about random people, whether they're a guy or a girl. I just- I don't know what that makes me." I finally stop and look at the ceiling, waiting for his reaction.
"Pansexual." Kurt whispers. He's a bit paler than usual, but he seems to be taking it better than I thought he would. He moves to sit next to me on his bed and just having him closer calms me down.
"What does that mean?"
"In your case, it means that you're attracted to personality rather than physicality. For some people, its being gender blind. You see people differently, inside-out." That made a lot of sense.
Pansexual. It was nice to have a word that made me feel less like a freak, less alone. That was the worst part of this whole thing; feeling completely on my own. I'm not gay. I know that, but I'm not straight either. It felt like I was the pickiest bi-sexual ever.
I smile at Kurt. I want to hug him, but it might be weird right now.
"You said earlier that you still love Rachel. Did you ever love Quinn?"
"No. I wanted to. I knew I was supposed to, but there was always something missing. Like she was too shallow to really understand me. I know I'm not the smartest person, but sometimes I don't know how to handle everything I feel. It's um," and I can't think of the word to save my life. It's right there, on the tip-.
"Overwhelming." Kurt supplies.
"Yeah," I nod my head with him and look into his eyes. They're really green right now. And bright. He's proud of me. I can see it. I smile at him and he smiles back.
"Okay." He pauses for a moment. He's really fighting with himself over what to say next.
"You- you were my first love, Finn. I had you on this pedestal for a long time. That night," he didn't have to tell me which one.
"That whole world I'd created in my head came crashing down. It was a good thing, really. My obsession with you had gotten to a really unhealthy point. I didn't see the real you anymore. I only saw the version of you I'd created. We should have talked about this a long time ago, but I didn't want to make you feel bad. I see, especially now, how hard it was on you." He took my hand in both of his and stared at it. His hands are so much smaller than mine. I want to say something to make him feel better, but nothing sounds quite right.
"I can see you now. I'm not caught up in some fantasy world and you're still most of things that I fell in love with. You're still kind and understanding. You're a great brother. You've handled this situation so well. I- I'm so proud of you." He squeezes my hand again and my heart flips just a little bit. I can't imagine what would happen if he actually kissed me.
So not the time for that.
"But I am with Blaine and I really do care about him. I've waited a long time to be over you and find someone who could accept me, completely, as I am. He understands me in a way I thought no one ever would, especially you." He stops for a second a takes a deep breath.
"So, you are completely over me?" slips out. Damn it.
He's a little shaky. I can tell he has to think very hard about his answer. I don't know if it's because he wants to spare my feelings or if he really has to think about the honest answer.
He drops my hand. Shit.
"I would be lying… if I said yes." He draws his legs up to his chest and covers them with his arms. He looks so small and conflicted. Fuck me.
Then it hits me.
Kurt still has feelings for me.
I'm smiling. Huge and goofy, I know it. He smiles sadly back at me.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked, but I've been dying to know ever since you got with Blaine. He's a really cool guy and you deserve someone who's figured themselves out. He can love you completely. You can be everything he's ever going to need." I stop and really think about what that means for me and my happiness.
"I'm not sure I'll ever find just one person, one personality that makes me want to be faithful. Yes, I love Rachel and yes, I-" I'm second guessing now whether or not I can admit this to him. It's kind of a huge step.
"Yes, I love you, but I don't know that I could choose between you. Not that there's a choice. I still don't know if I'm ever going to stop being scared. Scared of what people will think of me. Scared of what I'd think of myself." He looks at me with that sad frown again and takes my hand back in to his.
"Finn, no matter who you end up being, there's nothing wrong with you. You're-" he looks down at my hand again and runs his fingers over my palm. It feels like heaven.
"You're such a good person. You want to make everyone happy and sometimes that hurts people, but your intentions are always good. You kissing a boy won't change that."
I look into his eyes, they're bluer now.
"Thanks, Kurt."
"No problem, Finn. I wish you could have felt comfortable enough to share this with me when it could have resulted in something. I'm still kind of dying to know what your lips taste like." His hands fly off of mine and onto his mouth.
We stare at each other for a few football field sized seconds.
"It's ok, Kurt. I don't expect anything and I would never do that to Blaine. I still have a lot of things to get through. He's always going to be the better option for you, no matter how curious we are. I'm not going to let you mess that up." Kurt nods at me, but I'm still staring at his mouth and I know he's still starting at mine. I look down at my lap.
"I think its best that I leave now. I'm still here for you. I don't care if its Blaine related or school, doesn't matter. You can always talk to me, okay?" I look up at him one last time. I know as soon as I leave this room, whatever connection we've made won't go away, but we'll have to ignore it.
We'll stomp it down until we can be brothers again.
I get off the bed and slowly walk to the door.
"I love you too, Finn." I hear him whisper.
I have to battle with myself not to turn around and take him. I've thought of so many ways that I want him and in that moment it actually feels like I have the courage to act. I would hate myself after though, if he even let me. So, I keep on walking. I open the door and close it without looking behind me.
I walk to my room feeling more at peace than I have in a long time. Despite the dull ache in my heart, I know myself a little better now.
I'm okay with the fact that I almost made out with a boy. That I could have. God, I wanted to.
The want isn't new though.
The feeling of acceptance is.
A/N: I'm going to leave this incomplete for now, but I'm not sure if I'll be expanding it. Again, I thank Fanfiction for all the money it saved me. Review!
I don't own anything.