Chapter 1
The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a flash and a space ship rumbles into view. On its hull the letters NSEA Protector. Magnificent, though on closer inspection it shudders ever so slightly, denoting pre-CGI model work on a budget. The fans are watching a TV show.
"We're exiting the time knot now sir!"
5 Members of the crew of the NSEA Protector sit in the large circa - 1979-"high-tech" cabin. All of them human except for Dr. Lazarus, a purple reptilian-looking alien. Laredo is 9. The crewmates exchange relieved smiles.
"We're alive."
"We made it Commander, we made it!"
"By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale."
"Systems register functional."
"All systems are working, Commander. Commander?"
They all turn to look at the Commander, who turns to reveal himself dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic Charlton Heston take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the command deck, worried, almost sniffing the air.
"I don't like it. It was too easy... Look for ambient energy fields."
"All normal sir... The entire spectrum."
"Check again Laredo."
"Yes sir, I- Wait. Oh no."
His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then hundreds.
"They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere."
"IMPACT NOW Commander"
Suddenly an explosion rocks the ship.
"A trap."
"We're surrounded Commander. The entire 5k Ranking is out there."
"Our plasma armor?"
"Gone sir."
Another blast rocks the room.
"Structural damage at 68 percent."
"We're getting major structural damage."
"It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped."
The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus.
"Commander, surrender may be our only option."
"No, never give up... NEVER surrender.'"
"The reactor has eaten through four levels... Six levels... The ship is disintegrating."
"Your orders sir?... Sir, your orders?"
The Commander walks into close up; steely determination.
"Activate the Omega 13."
The crewmates exchange expectant and terrified glances. A crewman's hand as he operates a series controls which in turn opens five layers of mechanical locks revealing a serious looking lever. The Commander pulls that lever. A machine Is revealed, rising from the floor in the middle of the room. It begins to glow. Each actor in turn reacting dramatically. Then suddenly…
Enthralled legions of mostly spotty faced male adolescent fans staring at the big TV scene. For a moment all is silent. A few are sobbing. Then a burst of thunderous applause... A huge amount of fans are at the science fiction convention. The enthusiastic crowd of fans continue cheering as the master of ceremonies Neville takes the stage.
"Well, there you are! You are the first people to see the lost Galaxy Quest episode 52 two parter since it was originally aired in '82! As most of you know, no concluding episode was filmed when the series was cancelled, so one episode was never included in the syndication run. Let's hear it for Remus Lapin, who actually rescued the footage from the studio garbage! Can you believe that?" (Lapin stands, fans cheer) "Now for the moment you've all been waiting for... The intrepid crew of the NSEA Protector!"
But a stagehand in the wings signals for Neville to "stretch."
"But first... What is a "hero"? Let's take a look at a few more clips..."
Real life actors all dressed as their TV alter egos... Harry Potter, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body suit. Severus Snape,(Dr. Lazarus) wearing green alien prosthetic makeup. Ron Weasley, calm, sitting on an apple box reading the paper. Blaise "Laredo" Zabini, the youngest of the group.
"Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half!"
(Harry looks through curtain)
"This is great! They're going to start eating each other out there."
"He's a twit!"
"Oh, and did you hear he booked another fan appearance without us?"
"You're kidding. When for?"
"Tomorrow morning, before the store opening."
"He's a miserable twit!"
"The guy is terminally selfish!"
"He ate my sandwich."
"What?"
"A month ago, he ate my sandwich."
Harry turns to notice Severus staring into a makeup mirror, eyes roaming over his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features with a mournful expression.
"Oh Severus, get away from that thing..."
"Dear God... How did I come to this?"
"Not again..."
"I played Richard III..."
"Five curtain calls..."
"...Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at me... LOOK AT ME."
"Settle down, Severus..."
"No. I can't go out there! I won't say that ridiculous catch phrase one more time. I won't. I can't!"
"At least you had a PART. You had a character people loved! My TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about this body suit. About my legs. How did I perfect my trademark sidesaddle pose? Nobody ever bothered to ask what I DO on the ship..."
"You were the, uh... Wait I'll think of it..."
"I repeated the computer. "It's getting hotter, Commander!" "The ship is disintegrating, Commander!" Nothing I did EVER affected the plot, not ONCE! Nothing I did was ever taken seriously!"
"Excuse me. I'm an African American playing a nine year old Malaysian named Laredo. HELLO!"
Suddenly the rear stage doors open and Draco Malfoy ("The Commander") strolls in, all exuberance and charm.
"My friends, your Commander has arrived!... Am I too late for Severus' panic attack?..."(Looks at Severus) "Apparently so." (Inspects a mole on Severus's neck) "That's irregular, you should have it looked at." (Looks at Ron's paper) "Lakers are HOT. Speaking of which... Harry, you look spectacular." (They all glare at him) "Oh, what did I do now?"
On the stage, Neville continues to stall...
"... Sure, the rocks looked hollow and the sets moved when anyone humped into them... But we didn't care..."
Film clips are projected behind him: On an alien planet The Commander carries the limp body of his Advisor, Lazarus, ray guns erupting around him... On the command deck the crew fights a space battle with crack precision teamwork...
"...For those four seasons from '79 to '82 we the viewers developed the same affection for the crew of the NSEA Protector that the crew had for each other... These weren't just adventurers exploring space, these were friends..."