My life has been out of control for 6 years now. Everyone I have ever loved or gotten close to has now turned their backs on me and left me in the dark. I have no one but myself, my razor, my past and my scars. Cutting has become my only friend, if you can even call it that. I find the scars on my body beautiful, but they taunt me all the time. They laugh at me for being alone and for crying. They laugh at me in the summer when I have to wear long sleeved shirts. They laugh at me when I look at other people's wrists and admire how clean and scar-less their skin is. These are my friends, and this is my world.

I don't exactly know when my life turned into some kind of sick game with my razor blade, but it did and since I can't change the past, why dwell on it? I just remember that one night I took a paper clip, unbent it and put it to my skin. I sat on my bed for 20 minutes scratching my innocent, pure skin until it was raw and bleeding. The satisfaction of it was surprising to me. I got a rush of energy, my sobbing stopped and then I proceeded to do it again. But oh no, I wasn't done torturing myself. I wanted to feel something even more, to distract me from the yelling going on in my house and to distract me from the emotional pain I was going through at that moment. Because of past experiences I knew hand sanitizer stung any open cuts, and raw skin was practically an open cut, right? Well I didn't have hand sanitizer, but I had nail polish remover, both consisting of alcohol so I got that instead and poured some of my fresh two raw scratches. It burned like hell for the first minute, but then I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and that became my cutting ritual.

Somewhere down the road, in the beginning of 9th grade, I began cutting with a razor blade. No one knew about this cutting ritual of mine except two of my closest friends. For some unknown reason to me, I began opening up to more people about my cutting in the middle of 9th grade. I think it was my cry for help, but no one seemed to notice that so I was never able to stop. The cutting got worse and worse. It went from cutting once a month to cutting four times a day. My arm was running out of open skin, and my excuses were becoming stupid and were obviously lies I made up on the spot.

But then I met a girl. A girl that changed my world for the better and we soon became best friends. Her name was Selena and she was the only one to show me that she actually cared about me through her actions and words, not just words like everyone else in my life. She and I were soul mates in friendship form. It was obvious to her and me and to anyone else that saw us together. She cut too, and that made our friendship that much more strong because we could relate to feelings and experiences. If someone had known two "cutters" were best friends, they would have frowned down on our friendship and told us it was unhealthy for each other. But that wasn't the case at all. The truth is, people who didn't self harm were the ones that were unhealthy for us. We became the support system for the other, and we made promises to each other to not cut for a certain period of time. It always worked. And even if we relapsed, it was okay because the other knew what it was like. Yes, there was disappointment but we never looked down on the other for relapsing, which we both often did.

Selena became the center of my world, and I became hers. People thought we were lesbian and we were dating, but not until 10th grade did I start feeling for her other then in a friend way. She was beautiful and smart and everything I hadn't realized I wanted in a girl. Hell, I didn't even know I wanted a girl until Selena came around. One night when she was sleeping over my house, everything changed in our friendship. We had been drinking. Ugh I know, don't give me a lecture about underage drinking because frankly, I don't care. So, we had been drinking some but not enough to get drunk, not even enough to get tipsy. But we definitely drank enough to make us brave. We were cuddled up together like we usually were but it wasn't in any kind of sexual or intimate way. We were simply two best friends holding each other to make sure the other felt safe. We cuddled all the time because the only place we felt safe was in the arms of the other. Our mothers found it odd at first but when they realized how close we were, and how non-sexual and innocent it was, they no longer cared and would actually often take pictures of us cuddling while we were sleeping.

So that night as were were cuddling, Selena started crying and I had learned that words never comforted her, only actions so I pulled her closer to me, rocked her gently and kissed her forehead until her crying subdued. Only when she was done crying would I ever dare to ask her why, and she would do the same to me. She looked up at me with her chocolate brown eyes and gave me a weak smile. I asked her what was wrong and she simply said "I'm in love with you." It confused me. Why was she crying because she loved me? We often told the other "I love you". Only after a minute did I finally realize what Selena had actually said. She didn't say I love you, she had said I'm in love with you. And as always, I didn't use words with Selena to show her what I was feeling and thinking, I used actions. I leaned over and kissed her on her lips and told her I was in love with her as well. Our friendship had obviously changed into something more then just friends, and we both welcomed it with open arms. We had been there for each other through everything and it only seemed like the right thing to do.

But I didn't realize what being in love with a girl meant until 2 months into our new found relationship. We were laughed at, spit at, cursed at; anything you could imagine that could happen, happened to us. The worst thing that happened though was 2 months into our relationship, when we finally decided to tell our parents. The rejection we received from our parents was unfathomable and it crushed both of us. We expected there to be some kind of tension and disbelief, but how could the possibility of us dating not pass through the minds of BOTH sets of parents? I was kicked out of my house but luckily, although Selena's parents disapproved and totally disowned her, Selena was not. And the funny thing is, they even let me live with them after being kicked out. I believed they would come around to us dating but they just needed to get over the initial shock.

Living together was a blessing and a curse. It helped our um.. sex life, but it gave us more time to argue with each other and argue we did. We argued about everything under the sun, from how long showers should last to being over bearing girlfriends and wanting to know every single last thing about where we were and who we were with. But at the end of the day, Selena and I never went to bed angry at each and the arguing actually helped us in bed. We released any anger out in sex, and although that may sound really bad and abusive, it never got like that. The worst it ever got was maybe causing the other one to bleed because of bite marks or scratch marks, and that's minimal compared to what I've seen in porn. And just like so many people say, you can't have a good, healthy relationship without some arguments. They sucked while we were having them, but were great at strengthening our bond.

I know what you're thinking. You were in 10th grade having sex, arguing and living with your girlfriend, how fucked up is that? And yes, in a way it is and was fucked up because of our "young" ages, but do you think it's fucked up for a guy and girl to have sex at 15? No, I didn't think so. And we didn't even have the risk of getting pregnant. We always talked about what we thought people thought of us, and it caused many, many times in which we both ended up crying in the other's arms, but we didn't care. We had each other, we had pasts that haunted us everywhere we turned and we loved each other. There was nothing more to it then that, and those were better reasons then any of the reasons anyone else in our high school were together for.

But as everyone knows, all good things must come to an end and my relationship with Selena did just that. It wasn't because we didn't have feelings for each other, because we still do. It wasn't because someone cheated. It wasn't because her parents made us. It was because I had to go to college in another state and she couldn't move with me, although we both talked about it. Selena had her own goals in life and going to the University of Michigan was not one of them. She had her own college and majors picked out and we just couldn't let the other one change their goals for the sake of a relationship. I still talk to Selena everyday, in fact I just got done skyping with her. Our feelings are still there, but distance is a cock blocker and we both go out on dates with other people. None of them ever lead to anything, but might as well give it a shot.

And that leads to me where I am in my life right now. I'm alone. No Selena, no friends. Well, I have Selena but she's hundreds of miles away doing God knows what while I sit on my bed, twirling the blade in my hand.

Hey guys, it's Veronika! This is a new story I'm going to be working on but I want input from you guys. YES YOU GUYS GET TO DICTATE THIS STORY! I'm going to have polls up and what not, so make sure to check them out. The first poll I'm going to be having is going to be about relationships. Who do you want to see Demi with in this story? She can have multiple flings, I don't care. YOU decide. I hope I have your interest with this story. I understand I'm not following very closely to Demi's real life, but that's okay. This isn't written about her real life, this is written in an AU. Review, vote ( Go to my profile!) and enjoy :)