A/N: You all already know the first line, that being I do not own iCarly. Sigh… Fair warning, this is a SPAM story. As we all know, Spam is (sadly) not likely to occur on the actual show; therefore, any Spam story may appear somewhat OOC. However, I ask that you don't knock it until you try it! This story is unrelated to my first post, iDouble Take, but I hope you will enjoy it just as much. Thanks for stopping by!
Prologue
Samantha Puckett was used to getting what she wanted. Her methods were many and varied – intimidation, threat of violence, ACTUAL violence, conniving, manipulating, scheming, bending the truth, flat out lying. .. the list went on. She'd even been known to beg, borrow or steal if the stakes were high enough. Despite her extensive bag of tricks, Sam had a problem. She thought back to the latest screaming match she'd had with her mother, following her umpteenth detention (one more and she'd get a complimentary subscription to Juvie Monthly!)
"I give up! It's not like you ever listen to me anyway. You need a man to keep you in line!" Pam had shrieked. By "man," she had, of course, meant a male parental figure. Sam froze in her tracks while the statement echoed inside her head.
"I need a man… to keep me in line," she repeated in a whisper. It hit her like a ton of bricks, (or a runaway taco truck.) "Yes, yes I do. Mother, you are absolutely right." Sam suspected that she had interpreted Pam's declaration somewhat differently than intended, but she tore out of the house without further comment, her mother screaming after her. She knew just the man for the job. He allowed her to eat him out of house and home. He played Ultimate Assassin with her. He chased her nightmares away and made her scrambled eggs. He picked up after her, acted as her personal chauffer, and let her crash on his couch. He also had a heart-stopping grin and was currently sporting a soul patch that made her shiver. He was probably one of the gentlest men she had ever met, but as least he looked devilish, and Sam never could resist devilish. Herein lay the problem; Sam was fairly sure, no, virtually certain, that her regular modus operandi was completely inadequate to the task at hand. ..
Chapter One
When Sam eased into the apartment after school on Friday, Spencer thought there was something different about her. He couldn't quite put his finger on it; maybe a touch of eyeliner? Maybe a top that was a smidgen tighter than usual. Maybe a heel that was a little higher. Maybe. He vaulted over the couch to sit next to her; he always liked to hear what was going on in the kids' world.
"Hey Sammi Sam, where are Carly and Freddie?"
"Oh, you know, at the Groovy Smoothie. T-Bo introduced a new flavor – Kaleidoscope Candy."
Spencer's eyes widened. "Sounds delish! Wait a minute," he asked suspiciously. "Why aren't you first in line?"
"I'm not hungry?" she looked at him hopefully. Nope, he sure wasn't buying that. Of course he wasn't buying that. Anyone who had known Sam for more than two minutes wasn't buying that.
Spencer shook his head. "I don't think so missy, try again. Did T-Bo ban you from the premises for insulting too many customers?" Sam laughed; he noticed that her eyes sparkled when she laughed. ..
"No. I just missed you," she said impishly.
Spencer nodded his head in mock seriousness, "Naturally. Everyone misses me. But why are you REALLY here all by your lonesome?" he asked again.
Sam had spent a lot of time trying to come up with an angle, any angle. She'd finally decided to start simply, with a ploy that was both obvious but also deniable. A guy with the least bit of savvy would see right through it, but she supposed that was actually the point. "Well… I have this friend," she started "who's interested in a guy. He's kind of older than she is –"
"Define older," Spencer interrupted.
"Oh, one, two, skip a few, say an even dozen years," she replied, her eyes darting sideways to glance at him.
"Hmm. Go on." His arms rested on the back of the couch, appearing completely relaxed.
"Anyway, my friend seems to really like this guy but she doesn't know the best way to approach him. So I told her I would talk to you and find out what kinds of things you older guys like so that –"
"Wait a minute!" he interrupted again. "You think I'm OLD?"
Sam rolled her eyes. "No! I just meant that you're oldER than us, emphasis on the "ER," so you might have some advice that could help…my friend."
"Do I know this friend?" he asked curiously.
Sam shook her head. "No, she just moved here from… Vancouver. All those Canadian girls date older men. "
"Really? I never knew that. You know, I went to Canada once and they sold me ham and tried to tell me it was bacon! Can you believe that?" He shook his head. "I'm really hurt over it. I'm not sure I want to help a Canadian!"
Sam stared at him. He couldn't be serious!
Spencer grinned and Sam relaxed. Of course he wasn't serious! But neither did he appear to be reading between the lines. She tried again; she really wasn't good at this.
"So, I promised her that I would help her, and you know I keep my promises. "
His eyes flicked over to the calendar on the wall before settling back on Sam. "I'm not sure what help I can be; you already said I don't know the girl, and since I don't know the guy either – do I?"
She looked right at him and shook her head. "Don't think so."
He shrugged. "I'm not sure you should be encouraging your friend to pursue a relationship. Here in America, we tend to call it robbing the cradle."
Ah, the first roadblock. Sam looked at him through narrowed eyes. "That's how she rolls, Spence."
His expression didn't change; he still looked calm and affable. "You asked for my take, and this is it. If he's any kind of gentleman, he won't make it easy. And if he's NOT, well, is he the kind of guy she really wants to hook up with?"
Their eyes met; message sent and received. Spencer saw the flash and the small smile that played across her lips. Sam did love a challenge…"Noted," she replied crisply, rising and heading towards the kitchen to forage. She'd foregone a smoothie for this after all!
A/N: No offense intended towards our good neighbors to the north! Spencer and Sam are just having a friendly banter.