Disclaimer: Still waiting for the day when I own Big Time Rush. Until then, I'm not at all affiliated with them, or anything that is recognizable in this story.

Sooooo...this is what I decide to post after not updating any of my stories for a good week and a half - a stupid, absolutely insane one shot, who's plot I got off of an episode of Seinfeld I was watching last night and the idea just wouldn't leave me alone. If you guys have ever seen Seinfeld, you know how ridiculous this is going to be. But on the upside, I've been wanting to write a Jatie story where James and Katie are already together so...this works. And while I should probably apologize...well...all I'm going to say is read at your own risk.

This story is dedicated to Dana1284 for a couple of different things. A) Because she read it and B) Because she's always writing stories for me and the stories I'm writing for her might never get posted because my attention span is roughly the size of a dizzy kitten's. It's amazing I get anything written and posted at all, actually. So, huge shout out to her! She's awesome and you guys should probably go check out her stories, especially her new Jatie one shot, "Small Bump". It's so sad, but so good at the same time and I'm in love with it.

Warnings: Sexual innuendos, mentions of sex, OOC-ness, and language.

James' POV

I can generally read Katie like a book. After knowing her for pretty much her entire life and then dating her for six months, it's pretty easy. It's like second nature. I can tell what she's thinking, what she's feeling, if she's hungry, if she's in pain, if she's bored, if she's angry.

At least, I thought I could.

"James?"

I looked up at her from where I was sitting, bored out of my mind, on my living room couch. I was flipping through channels, trying to find something good to watch, rather than do what I should have been doing, which was cleaning up the mess in the first floor of my house. I had thrown Katie a surprise birthday party a few days before, and I had barely been home so I hadn't bothered to clean up. In fact, when I had gotten home from spending the night at Katie's two hours ago, I had been shocked by the disarray of my place.

Which meant that I really needed to clean up.

Channel surfing just sounded so much more interesting.

Or better yet, focusing on Katie, who had just walked into my living room with a nervous look on her face. She was biting anxiously on her lower lip, and her fists kept clenching and unclenching, a sure sign that she was worried about something.

I smiled up at her and patted the cushion beside me. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

She sat beside me, folding her hands in her lap, staring down at the confetti-littered coffee table. "It's just – well – I have something to tell you."

I blinked. Okay…I had no idea what she needed to tell me that warranted walking into my house without so much as a text message. Plus, I had just seen her an hour ago. It seemed like she would be more liable to tell me things when she was feeling all relaxed and secure from post-orgasm bliss. So, what did she need to tell me that couldn't wait?

"Okay…" I said slowly. "What's up?"

"It's just…well…" She took a deep breath. "I have a confession."

"Okay…" I reached over to entwine my fingers with hers. "Confess away."

"It's just, I don't want you to be mad, and I'm afraid that you will be."

My eyes narrowed slightly. "Did you kiss another guy?"

Katie blinked. "What? No! Of course not! I would never cheat on you, Jamie."

I relaxed slightly. Okay, that was a good sign. You couldn't really get any worse than cheating on someone, so whatever she had to say couldn't be that bad. I could take it, no problem.

"Okay, then. Don't worry about it, baby girl. I'm sure whatever it is isn't actually that bad."

"Yeah, but…Well, I kind of lied…"

"Okay…about what?"

"About…well…um…you know…"

I stared at her. "Noooo…I don't know…"

She rolled her hands. "You know…I pretended…"

Wait…was she saying what I thought she was saying?"

"You what?"

"I pretended. I faked it…" She quickly ducked her head, looking away from me, back to the pink and purple and white confetti strewn table.

"You faked it?" I gaped at her. "You mean, like…?"

Katie wordlessly nodded.

I sat back against the couch, stunned. Wow. My girlfriend faked it. She faked an orgasm. She faked having an orgasm. She faked being satisfied. She faked feeling all safe and secure. She faked enjoying it.

I was wrong. So wrong. This was definitely as bad as finding out that I had been cheated on. Maybe even worse.

She had just informed me that I was bad in bed.

I had never even been accused of being bad in bed. Never! Not once! No one had ever looked at me, pointed, and said, "Oh, look, there goes James Diamond. Did you hear he's bad in bed?"

Yeah, that had never happened before. So why the hell was it happening now? And with the girl who I wanted most to impress?

I wondered how long this had even been going on…Had she been faking it the entire time we had been together? I mean, okay, our first time hadn't exactly been amazingly wonderful, but that was because it was her first time with anyone. But I had thought things had picked up after that…

Apparently they hadn't.

In fact, our sexual relationship had fallen so deep that she had begun faking it just so that she didn't hurt my feelings. Or to get the sex to end. Either one.

But she was telling me now…But why? Was she tired of lying to me? Did she just not care if she hurt me? Was this her way of breaking up with me? Or maybe…maybe she was giving me a chance to redeem myself. Yes! That's what she was doing! There were ways to help a girl to orgasm. Didn't they have books and videos and stuff on it? I could totally learn to satisfy her, and she would never have to fake it again.

"James?" Katie peeped out. "Jamie? You're…um…you're awfully quiet…Say something?"

I looked over at her. "How long have you been faking it?"

She blinked. "Um…what?"

"How long? I mean, I seriously doubt this has only happened once."

"No…it was just the one time…" She gave me a weird look, but I immediately brightened up. So there was hope after all! Whew. That was a huge relief. I must've been lacking earlier. But…what had I been lacking? It had seemed as good as any other time we had slept together. So what was the difference? Maybe she just hadn't been in the mood? Nah…she had seemed just as eager as me. Maybe she hadn't been concentrating? No…that wasn't it either…Huh. I wondered what it was. Well, if it wasn't her…then it was me…Still me.

My shoulders slumped in defeat. I was a failure as a boyfriend. She would never want to be with me again.

"Jamie, come on." She scooted closer to me. "It's not that big of a deal. I mean, you just weren't that good."

I blinked. Well, that was blunt.

"It's just not something you're good at," she continued on, as if she thought this would make me feel better. She was telling me I was lousy at sex – how was this going to make me sigh in relief and go, "Oh, well, that makes me feel so much better"?!

"I mean, okay, I know they don't give lessons in it. And it really has to be a natural ability, which you just don't have. But it's okay!" she added once she saw the dumbstruck expression on my face. "I don't have to worry about you cheating on me with anyone!"

I continued to gawp at her. "Did you seriously just say that?" I demanded.

She blinked. "Um…yeah. It's a good thing, James."

"How is it a good thing?!"

"Because I don't want to ever be cheated on, especially by you?"

"So, what you're saying is that my lack of skill will make me extremely undesirable to the opposite sex?"

Katie gaped at me. "Well, I guess some girls care about that sort of thing. But it's such a small thing. Most girls don't care about that at all."

"What do you mean most girls don't care about that? You do! You just said you didn't have to worry about me cheating on you!"

"James, really, you're being ridiculous. I don't know what you're getting so upset about. Logan's not good at it either. In fact, between you and me, he's pretty awful."

My jaw dropped. "How the hell do you know?!"

"Duh, I've experienced it firsthand."

"You did WHAT?!" I leapt to my feet, glaring at her in utter disbelief. "I can't believe you'd do that!"

She looked up at me, looking extremely confused. Oh, yeah, right, like I was going to believe that.

"James, if you're worried about me hurting Logan, I can assure you, he had no idea. He really isn't very good at reading girls. Honestly, I'm surprised you couldn't tell that I'd faked it with him or with you. You're so good at figuring me out."

I snorted. "Clearly not good enough."

Katie got to her feet. "James, I have no idea what's going on. You're acting like I did something horrendous. As long as Logan remains in the dark, I don't see what the problem is."

"As long as he remains in the dark?! Oh, so it's okay to rip my heart out, but we have to protect his?!"

"James, he's so sensitive. And if this is how you're reacting to this, then I'd hate to see what would happen with him. He'd probably lock himself in his room and organize his sock drawer by length, color, and type. And then he'd probably move onto his boxers."

I snorted again. "Oh, I bet you know a lot about his boxers."

She gave me a long look. "What?"

I advanced on her, gripping her hips and steering her into the back wall. "You're never seeing his boxers again," I growled, before crushing my lips to his.

"Mmmph!" was all she managed to get out before she was kissing me back, fingers threading into my hair.

I spent the next hour showing her that I was so much better than Logan and any other guy she could ever end up with. And this time, she didn't fake it. She was almost passed out by the time I let myself go, her fingers scrabbling at my sheets and at my shoulders, trying to find something to grasp onto as she hit her third orgasm of the hour.

Oh yeah. I was back, baby.

I collapsed beside her, panting my head off. She was trying to catch her breath, her skin gleaming and her eyes sparkling.

"I have no idea what got into you, but I don't have any complaints," she managed to gasp out as she pushed her tangled hair out of her face. "Although…what the hell was that about?"

"You and Logan," I told her. "How could I not react like that? I had to prove I was better than him."

"What does one thing have to do with the other?"

"You faked it with him too. But you didn't fake it with me, not this time."

"Fake what?"

"Orgasms. But I gave you three." I smirked proudly. "Logan couldn't do that."

"Of course he couldn't. Because I never slept with him."

"What? Yes you did. You told me you faked an orgasm with him."

"I never said that," she responded, getting a confused look again.

"Yes you did. You said you faked it."

"Yeah…I faked being surprised."

I blinked blankly at her. "What're you talking about…?"

She smirked. "Clearly not what you've been talking about."

"I'm so confused…"

Katie choked out a laugh. "I was talking about my birthday party. You know, it was supposed to be a surprise…But you're so bad at keeping stuff from me. You're awful at lying, James. When I asked you why you were going to the store, you told me you were shopping for an elephant. And then when you were trying to hide the fact that I had to be out of the house for when the catering service arrived, you said you were having a giraffe delivered to your backyard. And when I asked about the streamers that you and the guys had stuffed in your closet because I showed up unannounced when you were trying to get ready for the party – sorry about that, I should probably stop walking in without texting or calling first – you told me you were using it as a leash for a penguin. If you'd been telling the truth, you'd have a whole freaking zoo in your backyard!"

"Are you sure I said elephant?"

"Yes. I remember, because then Logan chimed in that you guys had to get paint to dye the elephant purple. Who the hell dyes an elephant purple?!"

"Apparently Logan does."

Katie shook her head. "My point is, you're a terrible liar. And Logan's just as bad, if not worse. So, I'm sorry. I knew about the surprise party. I faked being surprised because I knew you'd be disappointed if you thought I knew about it. But I felt so guilty about lying to you, so I came over here to tell you. And I guess I didn't phrase it right…"

"You said you faked it. It generally means sex, or something related to sex."

"I know, I know. It didn't occur to me, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you like that. Believe me, Jamie, I don't think you're bad at sex. I can't exactly speak from experience, but you seem pretty damn good to me."

I smirked, stretching out and folding my hands under my head. "Since you can't speak from experience, you can only appreciate my talents so much but, uh, I'm pretty fucking good."

"Yeah, you are. But really. You really thought I slept with Logan? That's just…God, that's gross." She gagged slightly. "Why would I sleep with Logan? He looks like he goes to some snobby British prep school. There is nothing sexy about a sweater vest."

I pouted. "What about when I dressed up as a nerd for Halloween?"

She smiled slightly. "Okay, on you the sweater vest, khaki pants, loafers, Oxford shirt, and pocket protector were pretty hot. But only on you, and it was because of those damn muscles. Anyway, I'm not into Logan at all. But if that's how you get when you're jealous, then maybe I should start flirting with him…"

I growled, pinning her under me. "Don't even think about it."

Katie smirked up at me. "Whatcha gonna do about it?"

"Sweetie, you're not even going to be able to remember your name when I'm finished with you, much less his name."

She purred. "Sounds promising. But, really, you know, he did looking kinda hot the other day with that tie and that – mmph!"

I kissed her forcefully, not giving her any time to finish her sentence.

Yeah, I didn't end up cleaning my house that day.

Yeah...so...that's the story. If you guys liked it, let me know, because it would probably make my day :) If you didn't...your silence will speak for itself. But I'm hoping that the story at the very least made you smile, so if it did that, then hey, that's something. :)