Disclaimer and Notes: Shadow of the Colossus belongs to Team ICO and Sony. For fair warning, this story is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever written. It is dedicated to my online buddy, Chaotic Neutral, who inspired the idea and egged me on in AIM. He buzzed me on AIM to tell me that he was giving SotC a serious shot, and since he knew it was my favorite game, we got to talking about it and "sealed evils and stupid protagonists." He said a line about things "not getting sealed away because they buy too many Girl Scout cookies" and… well, my brain did stuff. And here it is. Don't say I didn't warn you.
If you want to read Shadow of the Colossus fics by me that more in the spirit and feel of the game (instead of silly in-jokes), visit my profile and pick your way past stories for my other fandoms.
SHADOW OF THE COLOSSAL SWEET-TOOTH
A fanfic of strangeness by Shadsie
Wander sat down beside the altar that the corpse of his beloved rested upon. He set the flat of his sword carelessly over his knees. So, he'd done it. He'd really come here. He'd crossed the great bridge into the Forbidden Lands and had made contact with the mysterious sealed entity, Dormin. He breathed a sigh, thinking about the task before him. He was about to set out on a quest to do nothing less than raise the dead. Of course, he had a lot on his mind.
So, he was to do a little giant-slaying…big whoop. He'd killed big animals before. Wander was a mighty hunter. That, and, well, anything for dear, sweet Mono. Sure, she might have said that opening the door to the Void was a bad idea, but she wasn't alive, so she didn't get a say in this.
The voices of the Dormin, in their broken version of Wander's language had given him a stern warning. He figured he was supposed to be shaking in his boots, but he wasn't. Grief had taken away any semblance of fear in him or maybe it was that he was too stupid to care. Love could turn one's brains to pudding, after all, and lust even moreso. Mono wasn't supposed to die a "maiden," dammit! They were going to make beautiful babies together and then that "cursed fate" business totally ruined it. He decided that he might as well get to know this Dormin-chap a little better if they were going to be working together. Wander only knew vague tales about the demon/god/whatever it was.
"Why'd they seal you?" Wander asked the ceiling of the Shrine of Worship.
"Why dost thou think?" the voices of the Dormin replied.
"Come on, now! Can't you speak a little more clearly? Listen to how I talk."
"Thine speech hast not been heard in these halls for aeons."
"Why did the ancient ones seal you?" Wander implored again. "I mean, all I hear is dark, dark, evil! Beware the dark lord Dormin!"
"Thou dost not thinketh that I am of Death and shalt cause the End of thine world?"
"You are giving me a headache," Wander complained, rising to pace the corridor lined with idols. "And, I'm…um… not sure? I mean, you seem to be a pretty nice guy and all, promising to bring back my poor dead girlfriend. You can't be all bad, right? Maybe they didn't seal you because you were evil, maybe my ancestors were just idiots who were afraid of you for no reason."
"A proposition of interest," the voices intoned. "What if we were to tell thou that thou has hit the nail upon the head?"
"Huh, what? Really?" Wander yelped. This answer was unexpected, really. He was pretty sure that he was about to dance with Evil. He was a bit relieved, actually. Maybe he didn't have to be the villain in this story.
"We ruled this land aeons ago," the voices began. "Peace was over the hills and thy people were happy. We were worshipped in truth and our guardians kept thou mortals safe. All was rainbows and butterflies and colossal ponies roamed the land…"
"Wait. Colossal…ponies?"
"Our Phaedra is all that is left… Any the way… We were the God of Death and we were loved."
"God of Death? Loved? What?" Wander said, putting his sword away and scratching his head. "My people fear death. We hate it. I hate it!" He gestured to the altar. "It takes the people we love away from us and looms over us as a black shadow. How can a god of death be loved?"
"Thou mortals all must taketh thine dirt-naps eventually. We were a kind death-god. Would not thou rather face the inevitable with a kind god than a cruel one?"
"I suppose so," Wander conceded. "I still don't get what this has to do with rainbows and ponies."
"We minded our own business. We harmed thine people not. We cared for them in death. And we loved cookies."
"Cookies?"
"Yes, cookies. Colossus Scouts used to come to the doors of our Shrine to sell us cookies thine people made."
"Colossus…scouts…"
"Thou dost not believe us?"
"Oh, no, no, no," Wander said, holding up his hands to hold back a possible smiting by lightning. "It's just… scouts?"
"The spawn of thy people, the young ones. They sold delicious things to fund the shrines to the Colossi. We fear that we becameth too greedy, for cookies are delicious."
"Greedy?"
"Once we tasted thy people's cookies, we could not have enough. The Colossi raided the great bakeries of thine people to bring cookies unto us."
"Well, I don't see how that is a big deal."
"Foolish mortal!" the voices of the Dormin roared. "Cookies ARE a big deal! Our hunger kneweth not limit. Rainbows and ponies remained in the land, but cookies did not, for we consumed them all. The priests of thine people chose to stop us rather than to live in a world without cookies, for thou mortals art gluttonous."
"So, all this time, the Forbidden Land has been off-limits and death has been final over a misunderstanding about cookies?"
"Thou art not as dumb as thou looketh, Wanderer."
"Well, I shall definitely help you, then. If freeing you means that you eat all of our cookies, that is a small price to pay for Mono's life. I'd rather live in a world without cookies where death can be reversed than what we have now."
"Is that truly thy wish?"
Wander whistled for his horse and set out to find the first of the Colossi to fulfill the pact.
Dormin chuckled to themselves. "Foolish mortal. Foolish indeed."
END.
Hope you survived reading this.