- All I Want for Christmas
By Camilla Sandman
Disclaimer: So how about it Paramount? Will you give me control of Voyager as premature Christmas present? Nah, I didn't think so. But Merry Christmas anyhoo! And Paramount, please, please let this years New Year Resolution be: We will finally realize the potential of a J/C relationship… What, I'm not allow to dream???
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"What to do you want for Christmas this year, Chakotay?"
It had been an innocent question, really. He had half excepted it all week. She was bound to ask sooner or later, of politness if nothing else. He was excepting it. He was in controlBut when the question finally was uttered, he froze. Completly. Control slipped out of his hands faster than wet sand.
They were in her readyroom, reviewing crew reports, laughing a bit at Neelix' brave attempt at Christmas food once aagin, when she leaned over the desk, placed a hand gently on his and smiled.
He was lost in her smile. Her Kathryn smile. Never was the Capatin farer away than when she smiled that smile. He had seen it a lot on New Earth, but lately…
And the she asked.
It wasn't that he didn't know the answer to it. In fact, he knew the answer a bit too well.
All he wanted for Christmas… It was a simple gift, yet he knew it would cost her far more than she was willing to give.
"I want three little words," he whispered.
"What?"
"Nothing."
She shot him a strange glance, picking up her coffee cup.
"Come on, how bad can it be?"
She wasn't gonna let him off the hook, he finally realized, and suddenly it felt like a great burden was lifted off his shoulders. In so many ways he had shown her what he felt about her, but he had not said the words, fighting an inner war whether to tell her.. or bury it in the innermost corner of his mind, never to surface again.
The choise had been made.
"I love you."
She froze, her cup in mid-air, her eyes widening in pure shock. Still, he plunged on, determined to finally say it. Even if he never got to say it again, even if it would.. ruin everything. It had to be said.
"And All I want for Christmas.. all I want.. is to hear those words from you too. To know that you mean them. But that's not going to happen, is it Captain? So you see, I can't have what I want for Christmas and…"
Suddenly loosing his nerve his gaze fell to the floor. Silence hung heavily in the air.
"Chakotay…"
"No," he said wearily. "Don't. Don't tell me because I want to hear it. Don't lie to me."
"I wasn't…"
He fixed his gaze on her, and suddenly she couldn't get a sound out. She felt hot, flustred.. caught. Like a reindeer caught in the headlights. He knew. He knew her. And for some reason it scared her more than anything else could…
"I.. should go."
He turned to leave, and suddenly, Kathryn Janeway felt something snap inside her. It was one of those moments where you stand on the edge of the abyss, and can see it all, the fall, and just who would catch you.. if you let him.
"Chakotay!"
Something in her voice stopped him dead in his tracks, a hint of desperation, perhaps, or the pure strenght of it. His heart skipped a beat, but still he refused to acknowledge it, standing dead still, his back to her.
"I did love you."
"No you didn't," he stated dully again, feeling his heart ache with each word.
"Yes, I…"
"NO!" He forced himself to keep his voice calm, to not snap at her. "You didn't. You may have told yourself that, but if you truely did, no damn protocol would be thrown in my face every time I tried to be nice. "
"Look at me! Chakotay, look at me."
Slowly he turned.
"I did... I still dolove you."
He finally lifted his gaze to meet hers, and what he saw was complete honesty. She wasn't telling him because he wanted to hear it, but because it was the truth.
"Kathryn.."
"Hush, don't say anything. Just listen. Yes, I do love you, but it changes nothing. It.. has to be this way, Chakotay. I cannot explain why…"
"Because you're scared," he answered lightly.
"Yeah," she nodded. "That I am. But you're right. It shouldn't make a difference."
"No, it shouldn't" he agreed, and silence fell. They stares still locked, tension still high. Finally, she made a move, it had to be her, and slowly, she walked towards him, never letting og of his eyes. His breath caught in his throat, and all he could do was look. She finally stood before him, and a smile was forming on her lips.
It was gonna be one of those kisses, he realized dimly, before fireworks errupted as her lips were leaning into his. They were warm, soft, and brushing against him like in a thousand daydreams, but this was better, for this was real.
And then she pulled back. Her eyes were clouded by something misty.. desire perhaps, but her voice seemed unshaken.
"Now what?" she simply said, looking intently at him.
"We can't go back."
"No, we can't. But we can't go forward either. Least not now. Maybe…"
He smiled at her, the first true smile she had seen since he had entered.
"Maybe," he agreed, smiling. He had gotten what he needed. 3 simple words. They didn't change anything, she wouldn't let it. But at least he knew. And knowing, he could hope. And hope.. carries you far.
"Chakotay?"
"Yeah?"
"Merry Christmas."
*****
Fini
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