Title: The Beat That My Heart Skipped
Characters/Pairings: John Paul/Craig, Ensemble.
Rating: Adult
Disclaimer: Hollyoaks is not mine… Neither are these two boys.
Word Count: 1627
Author's Note: Started around the anniversary of McDean day, and only just finished!
The beat that my heart skipped… it was like an epiphany… a moment of realisation that changed me forever. I felt my heart skip a beat as I sat in the exam hall. His eyes, his face, his hands and his boyfriend grabbing and kissing him and loving him, that was all I could think about. I could feel this jealous rage explode in my chest and in my mind and I was confused but awakened at the same time, like a moment of clarity had made me realise, like a lightning strike.
I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate. I had to see him. I abandoned my exam in search of him. By the time I arrived at his house, my thoughts were muddled and I needed a drink to steady my nerves. Sherry burned its way down my throat as I swallowed it all.
My chest felt like it would explode from the pounding of my heart. I was crying and whispering and shouting. And then I was moving to him; touching him, feeling his strong chest shake in anticipation of my actions.
And somehow we are upstairs, in his room, and I'm ripping his top and t-shirt off and tasting his creamy white skin and fighting with his belt buckle and unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans and forcing the garment to his feet. He kicks off his trainers and his chest heaves.
And my eyes are drawn to his bulging boxer shorts. I'd never thought I want to see another bloke's cock as much as I want to see John Paul's, let alone do what I've been fantasizing about for months now. My hands move of their own accord and I'm grasping his hardness in my hand and I'm squeezing his dick and feeling it pulse in my grip.
The cotton of his underwear where his dick head is gaining a wet spot as his pre-cum and my breath catches in my throat as I attentively begin to stroke his hardness through the fabric.
And then he crashes his mouth to mine and my lips part to let him into my mouth and we kiss for dominance – until lack of oxygen causes us to part. Using this to his advantage, John strips me of my own jeans and boxer briefs and takes my cock in his hand uses his thumb to stroke the swollen head and spread the liquid that has gathered there.
And then I gasp and shake and groan his name as I shoot my heat across his hand and even onto his bare chest. And then he takes his fingers to his mouth and staring hard into my eyes, he cleans his fingers with his mouth.
And then I've pushed him back onto his bed and I'm kissing any flesh that my lips can reach, stroking his cock to the brink. I kiss down his chest, paying attention to his nipples and belly button before reaching his cock. And I'm finally living one of my wanking images – I kiss his cockhead and lick and taste his flesh and soon have a few inches in my mouth. And then he groans and cries out my name – how I love how it sounds on his tongue – and then I taste his essence and I do what comes naturally, I swallow his offering.
And then I freak out and storm off, my actions replaying in a loop in my mind.
We spent a whole summer in an affair that meant more to me than I ever thought possible. We even get caught up in our passion on the day of engagement party to Sarah … the biggest mistake I think I've ever made.
And then everyone knows about me and JP and I'm in a state of shock, sitting against the pillar in the pub and I can hear my family arguing around me. I storm off and Jack comes to comfort me. He helps me settle and then my mum comes and compare me to Johnno and I spot JP down outside the pub, pacing.
I head down and confront him and we argue. He tells me he's not sorry that people can see me for the lying toe rag I am. And he's right.
After apologising to Sarah and dealing with my mum's reluctance to believe that I'm in love with John Paul, we get back together and I ask him to come to Dublin with me and he accepts.
We prepare to head to Dublin and pack our cases and we are standing at check-in for our Air Dublin flight and I'm talking about how great it's going to be there, just the two of us together and he asks me to kiss him. And I can't. I'm not that comfortable with public displays of affection with him yet. He can't accept it and I'm left alone.
I arrived in Dublin and lived a quiet, study filled life, feeling so heartbroken. At Christmas, I text him saying that I'd love to see him in Dublin but I get no reply and that makes me think it's over completely. I stay in the Dublin for the summer of 2008 and I am shocked when I get news of Steph's wedding. Mum calls and I ask her how everything else in Hollyoaks. I don't mention him by name but I know it's implied – she knows he's the reason I haven't come home yet.
It's nearly a year since he left me in the airport when I finally come home. I needed to see my family after all that's happened in the past year – Jack's heart attack, Jake's psychotic episode, Steph's wedding, and I find out that not only has JP been another man's dirty little secret, he's been having an affair with a priest.
So I come home and try to help my family and meet him in the middle of the village, as I'm walking past his Drive 'N' Buy. He's laughing with some dark haired man, eyes shining with love.
I stop in my tracks just look at him. This must be the priest. Fr. Kieron Hobbs. I've only heard of him once, but already he gets on my wick. And I admit that I'm jealous.
It's as he's about to walk into the shop that I just exited that he finally realises who I am. It's as if he's a statue.
"Craig," his voice whispers as I watch Kieron's eyes blink with recognition.
"John Paul," I say, and my head swarms at saying his name once more.
"Why are yer home?" he quickly asks, gaining interest in a crack in the pavement.
"My family. So much has happened in the past year, I needed to come home and help 'em."
The conversation dissipates and I find myself just watching him. His hair is longer than he usually keeps it. He seems to have gotten over his hoody phase and I instantly remember his yellow and gray hoody.
I know I shouldn't, but I make comparisons between the priest and myself. We both have brown eyes and black hair, but he has a bit more meat to his bones, like that pillock Spike did. I see that I really am the complete opposite to his type.
I'm about to speak when Kieron introduces himself.
"I'm Kieron Hobbs, John Paul's boyfriend. Nice to meet you Craig," he asks, offering his hand. I give him a look of incredulousness and return my gaze to JP.
"I need to get home; mum needs this for the tea. See ya later, John Paul.
I've only made a few steps away when John Paul's calls out my name and jogs to catch up with me.
"I hope we can be friends Craig. First and foremost, we were best mates. I hope we can get back to that."
I laugh bitterly and finally face him, "We were never just though, were we John Paul? We have this connection that I never understood but that I still cherish. And I can't just be your friend. I still love you," I say, taking a step back and glancing at my replacement.
"I still love you, but I can't be around you. You said you deserved more, and yet you became someone else's secret just months after you left me. I'm glad you've moved on, I really am, but I can't be near you."
"But why?" he asks, and I notice that his eyes have become swirling in tears.
"Because," I start, words from long ago echoing in my mind, "because when I'm around you I feel like my hearts gonna burst, and when I'm not I'm thinking about you all the time. I love you."
He stifles a sob and wipes his tears away as they begin to flow and I turn away from him, I leave him how he left me – broken.
The beat that my heart skipped awoke me to the most wonderful love I'd ever felt yet it also created the strongest heartache I'd ever had. I'd worked hard in the past year to move on, but he'd actually done it.
The beat that my heart skipped made me the man I am today. I'll always love John Paul McQueen, with all my heart. He's the best mate I've ever had, we had this instant connection. And I'm grateful I met him. But our lives have gone on a separate path and I think they may never converge in the future again.
The beat that my heart skipped. It was a realisation that opened me up to new and exciting things, made my vulnerabilities visible and brought my defences to the verge of insanity.
But, as much as it hurt me, I will always be grateful for it.