Business: I own nothing but the heirverse and the 'hellish voice'.
a/n: feels good to write for myself again.
This is a oneshot I am very attached to because looking back over their decades together my two idiots have come so far. This follows directly on from Cold Feet so you do need to read that one first for context. It's also part of what is now called 'phase 3' of the Heirverse series. More stories are connected to this so I do recommend checking out the rest of phase 3. The links and storylist are on my profile for ease of access :)
Notes: AiGin. Breaking an 8 decade long cycle of lies, deception and chessplay to explore something real. This change has been needed for a long time, and now finally it is coming. Bleeds really nicely into Helios and Heir. Sun/Moon references throughout and Heirverse echoes/calls/mirrors/gunshots everywhere.
Influenced HEAVILY by the song 'Deja Vu' by Circus-P for the Aizen sections. And Crusher-P's new song with Lumi, "Itsu Made Mo" for Gin's sections. Beautiful song. Can't understand a word because no english subtitles, but still. Gorgeous and calming and fits the mood of this story so well.
Oh and a Big big thanks to timewaster123456789 for all of her help with skeletoning this for me! Because I needed so much help with this one oh my goodness. You're an absolute dream to work with, Time :)
As always comments are welcome and I hope you enjoy.
"I thought he'd run if he knew. Instead, he offered help, not that I believed he could possibly help.
I thought he'd turn his back, close his heart, slink away. Instead, he promised sanctuary."
― Ellen Hopkins, Burned
Sanctuary
Aizen's eyes opened slowly, blinking in the darkness. Quietly enjoying the few moments between dreaming and wakefulness, before he recollected where he was, and why he was here. Although, this was the first time in weeks – months? - he'd woken up in this grim place with Gin in his arms. With his partner's warmth suffusing his body. He inhaled deeply through his nose, filling his lungs with Gin's scent, a welcome change from the smell of death and decay and the rotting bodies. It was different, welcome even, after so long of waking up alone and being assaulted with the ungodly smell.
He sighed softly, enjoying the weight of Gin's body in his arms. Feeling content, peaceful for the first time in weeks. Maybe months. Maybe years. Maybe decades. Who even knew anymore, how long it had been since he'd been at peace like this?
He closed his eyes gently again, allowing a small smile to creep across his face as he lifted one hand up from its position on Gin's back and let his fingers gently run through Gin's silver hair. And simply lay on his back, holding Gin in his arms and enjoying the blissful silence.
It wasn't hard to see the reason why he was so content. It was in his arms, clinging to him in his sleep. Softly murmuring his name. Still here lying with him in this godforsaken pit even after staring into his own equivalent of the gates of hell.
It was safe to say he was astounded. Any normal person, any rational, sane person, would have run away. Run far and run fast and not once looked back. But Gin was still here.
He didn't run away.
Hadn't run for the hills.
He'd stayed. Here. With him. By his side. Even after knowing everything. Even going to far as to offer a safe haven and a sanctuary from the hellish voice inside his skull.
He still couldn't quite believe it. Or wrap his head around it. Sousuke's breath caught as he felt Gin sigh in his sleep, murmuring his name happily. He didn't run. He's still here. With me. I can't... can't even... any sane person would've run.
Oh Sousuke, Kyouka sighed at him, You're a huge fool, if you ever thought he'd run because of this.
Aizen sighed bitterly. Kyouka was right: he was a fool, an idiot. A godamned fucking fool for listening to the voice, knowing full well that it fostered insecurity, preyed on his vulnerability. He'd given it exactly what it wanted and opened himself up to his mortal enemy. Disgust didn't begin to cover how he felt, how angry he was at himself for his lapse. He knew that he couldn't afford to show any weakness, yet he'd laid himself bare to the voice. The monster. The demon. What if he had lost control and Gin had shown up not to greet him but, the monster that wore his skin? He shivered, squeezing Gin's sleeping form closer.
No, best not to think about that. It would only fuel his nightmares.
He stayed like that for a while, letting the time pass, just lying there with Gin in his arms, stroking his silver hair softly while he slept, dead to the world. Kyouka was definitely right. He'd been such a fool, the biggest fool, to not trust Gin, to be afraid, to doubt. To believe Gin would run. Had Gin ever given him any reason to doubt his commitment? No, that had always been on him. He'd always been the one playing, holding back, causing pain, cheating... He looked down at Gin again, and tears pricked his eyes as he drank in the sight of his beautiful moon, but he blinked them back, annoyed at himself. No, they were not going down that road again. They couldn't afford to go down that road again. The monster would only pounce on his weakness. If he stepped into that mental arena, he'd be losing a rigged battle. An unwinnable war against an opponent that knew all the darkest parts of him. That would throw everything he'd ever done wrong back in his face and tell him these moments were all his fault. Would take him back in time, to when he'd almost destroyed everything, and they just started breaking each other. Echo Gin's voice, fraught with pain and rage:
Do I mean nothing to you?
He shoved the thoughts away. No, he commanded himself. No more thinking about the past.
Because like Gin said, they were past that now. They'd fallen into place now.
The past is behind me. I have to let it go. No more crashing down with the lightning every time the voice speaks. No more restarting the cycle of lies, deception and chessplay. No more smashing each other's hearts into pieces. We've walked that path before and it only hurt us.
He closed his eyes again and breathed deep and slow. Simply enjoying the comfort Gin provided, and taking the chance to relax. Something that was so rare lately. So rare for him in general. He let a deep, long sigh leave his body as he lay there. He'd been so sure... so sure that Gin would run away if he saw his weakness, his 'sun's' human side. He was certain from the way Gin talked that he saw him as a sort of trophy and that Gin's interest would last only as long as the illusion that he was a god above everything did. Well, at least until he absorbed the hogyoku and actually became one, anyway. But above all, he'd been absolutely certain that if Gin ever found out that the voice affected him—let alone how badly—he'd beat a tactical retreat before you could say 'hollow'. Anyone with half his clever moon's intelligence would have. Hell, anyone with half a brain would have. Until yesterday, he was sure Gin definitely would have, if he knew. Half of him even expected it. Wanted it even. Because who wanted to deal with the corrupted mess he called his mind?
If Gin did leave him, he would have been mad - he heard Kyouka snort, wholly disagreeing – okay, he would have been hurt, devastated even, but he'd have understood. He wouldn't even have blamed Gin in the end if that's what he chose to do.
But Gin hadn't though, and the knowledge still stunned him, left him dizzy with relief. And with this knowledge, the darkness around them suddenly didn't seem quite so impenetrable anymore.
He grimaced at his old assumptions. Gods he was an idiot. A fool to blame himself. He was such a fucking fool for… just everything at this point.
But you can move on now. Kyouka reminded him gently. He frowned. She didn't even snark, made no comments. He grimaced. Was he really so pathetic?
Yes. She teased him lightly. You are. I can't mock someone that pathetic.
That's more like it. He replied with fake indignance, giddy enough with relief and the knowledge that Gin had seen the truth and still wanted to be with him to be openly playful with her. She only giggled at him and watched as he lay with Gin in his arms, lazily stroking his silver hair soothingly. Smiling softly to himself, still giddily processing the fact that Gin loved him enough to put up with all his shit.
You see? Kyouka said smugly. This is what I was telling you the whole time! You just weren't listening.
His smile became a smirk. Well, if you didn't nag me so much I might have done.
She snorted at him again. Disagreeing. Hah. Yes. And the sky is green. You're just too stubborn.
If you say so.
I know so. She smiled.
He suppressed a laugh and chose not to answer. Instead, he returned his focus to Gin. His unbelievable Gin, his moon, shining as long as the sun existed. And he swore, to every god in existence, looking down at his unexpected saviour, that he would repay this kindness, this foreign feeling of safety he'd been given.
However he was going to do that. If one could even repay a debt so large.
That was most shocking part. The fact he'd practically ceded the game, and yet instead of pressing his advantage, all Gin had done was give him love, protection, forgiveness.
He still couldn't quite believe it.
He was tempted to pinch himself, to prove this was not just some beautiful dream. But he didn't want to risk waking from it if it was. So instead, he resigned himself to not knowing. Still wanting this dream to continue. To remain in this state of incredulity, of this sanctuary away from the voice, and the outside world.
I thought he'd run if he knew, he mused, swallowing hard. Instead, he offered help, not that I believed he could possibly help. I thought he'd turn his back, close his heart, slink away. Instead, he promised sanctuary.
Somewhere in his mind, he heard Kyouka sigh gently, tenderly. Oh Sousuke, of course he did. He loves you.
He smiled, then. A soft, tender thing he'd have been loath to let anyone see. Yes. I suppose he does.
Psh, you 'suppose', Kyouka snorted again. Are you just going to breeze past that declaration of undying love and loyalty, then?
He didn't answer her. Choosing instead to continue his slow, gentle movements and caresses of Gin's head. Letting strands of silver hair the colour of moonlight fall through his fingers. The soft, tender smile still plastered across his face, even as Gin began stirring from his sleep and blinking his eyes open. He ceased his hand movements as Gin lifted himself up to look at him, his movements sluggish and slow from sleep. Chocolate eyes meeting red ones.
"Yer awake," Gin said softly, smiling at him.
Aizen met his gaze, searching those gorgeous eyes for hints of the emotions their owner harboured towards him, and though Gin was amazing and he should have expected it, he felt warmth spread through him at what he saw. Starting in his chest and spreading outwards through his whole being. There was no condescension, superiority, not even pity in those eyes. Just contentment and happiness. And again he was awed. It'd never actually occurred to him that he could trust Gin with his feelings, but he knew seeing the softness, the love, in that gaze that he could tell him anything, and there would be no repercussions. He almost felt guilty for not having done so all along. How much pain they'd both have been spared, if he had.
How different the last eight decades would have been.
Why was this suddenly so clear like he was seeing Gin for the first time? He realised quite quickly that the hellish voice in his head was silent. The monster in his head. Under his skin. In his bones and nerves. The voice of the corruption inside him, finally, blissfully quiet.
Well, that might have something to do with it. A lump formed in his throat as he was overwhelmed with gratitude. For this. For everything.
I want you, deeply need you, you're my sanctuary. I should have seen it sooner. I was such a fool. How can I say any of this? How can I make this right? He thought, desperately.
He remembered that Gin had been scared too. Well, that was a start to begin repaying the debt he could never fully square.
"Are you doing okay?" he asked trying to sound more confident than he felt as Gin settled beside him.
Gin hesitated a moment before responding, "Yeah, much better now. You?"
"Same," he replied. Gin kept surprising him. Though he was grateful that was the only allusion Gin was going to make to… the previous day. Again, Gin had instantly put him at ease with just a few words. How the hell was he going to repay this?
How was he ever going to make this right?
He sat puzzling out a solution, his mind trying to come up with a viable solution. Right up until Gin's voice brought him back to the present again.
"Ya keep doin' that." Gin said gently. A sense of curiosity in his voice. "Rubbin yer temple. I never noticed 'fore."
Aizen blinked in surprise. This was certainly news to him. "I do?"
As if proving Gin right, he lifted the fingertips of his left hand off his left temple and stared at them, confused. "I do." he repeated.
Gin smiled, suppressing a laugh at his confusion. Another thing he was grateful for. "Yer really not aware yer doin' it?"
He frowned at his hand for a moment, trying to work out why it was betraying him. Broadcasting his puzzlement for all to see. Until he snapped back to himself again.
"Of course I'm aware." he countered. An attempt to play it off that he sincerely hoped would work. Because Aizen Sousuke did not get confused. Aizen Sousuke was not supposed to feel small, humanlike emotions such as confusion and stupidity. He was supposed to know everything. Plan everything. Be on top of everything. Though deep down he knew this was just a defence mechanism spawned from his fear that Gin might judge him harshly. Because old habits died hard deaths.
"I'm..." Aizen added, though his thought and his voice died away mid-sentence. Again betraying him. "I'm..."
I'm lost in here with you.
Gin's hand reached out and caught his own, gently holding it still. The simple gesture erasing his frown. His gaze met Gin's, and he saw gentleness and curiosity in those red eyes he so loved. Gin leant closer, his free hand reaching up to softly touch his left temple, feel Aizen's scars under his eyebrow, caress the soft skin where once, long long ago, a large dark purple bruise had been. A place that, without his awareness, his subconscious had grown to associate with confusion since the incident that caused it. Unconsciously, too, his fingers curled themselves around Gin's, another echo from long ago. He watched Gin's face intently, saw the frown lines, his brows knit together the way they did whenever he was thinking hard about something. Puzzling something out. When he felt Gin's soft fingertips brush over the small scars for the second time, he caught sight of Gin's eyes widening for just a second, as a timid smile bloomed across his face at the joy of having figured something out.
"They're still there." Gin whispered softly. As if he were afraid speaking too loud would break the peace around them.
"What?" Sousuke asked, curious now. Of course, he knew the answer, but he wanted to hear Gin speak.
"The scars." Gin smiled, still speaking softly. "From when you..." Gin's smile widened just a touch, and Aizen watched him remember, and try to suppress a laugh at the memory. Aizen couldn't help but smile at Gin, looking so much like the shy young man he'd met so long ago. A part of him was surprised that echo of the boy still existed inside the man he loved. It was a part of Gin he thought had long since died.
Ah, but then, he supposed everything echoed here, in the silence. In the darkness that wasn't so impenetrable now.
. . .
"When I what?" Sousuke prompted, when Gin lapsed into silence.
"When you banged yer head." Gin finished. And he watched Aizen smile at him, an echo of the man he used to be. All amusement and playfulness.
Ah yes," Aizen smiled, "I think the lamp post still has a big dent in it."
"I'd be surprised if it didn't," Gin grinned, laughing softly. Probably trying a little too hard to lighten the mood a bit. But he hadn't really liked it when Sousuke had sat silently, thinking too long on something that probably couldn't be good. His mind possibly venturing to darker places again. So Gin acted quickly, feeling it was his duty to bring him back into the light again. "Ya got a big head."
Aizen smirked at that comment. "And you don't?"
Gin laughed gently again. Choosing not to answer that and quickly changing the subject. Otherwise the conversation would deteriorate into endless banter and just end up being a pissing contest like it usually did. "Even then you couldn't take your eyes off me." He said softly, his grin softening around the edges into a more tender smile.
That seemed to do the trick. Gin watched Sousuke's smirk soften into one of the tenderest smiles he'd ever seen on the man's face.
"Now," Sousuke said gently, his hand still firmly clasped around Gin's. "That's something that hasn't changed."
Gin's smile widened at that, and he crawled slowly over to his partner, closing what small distance between them there was and snaking his arms around him. Coiling around him like a serpent. Feeling the warmth of Sousuke's body, the safety of those arms around him. Wondering how many times had those arms been his refuge, his sanctuary, from the world over the decades. How many times his own arms had been the refuge for Sousuke without him even knowing it. His heartbeat a metronome drowning out the hellish voice inside his skull. His voice. His laugh, even. All working together to drown out the voice screaming inside Sousuke's skull that he just wasn't good enough.
You're the only reason I've kept my sanity in this place. He'd said.
And Gin knew now he hadn't just meant in this room.
His body sank further into that warm embrace with this knowledge. His arms locking tight around his other half. And he knew then, it would take more than armed soldiers, more than a natural disaster - more than the end of the world, even - to wrench him from those arms. That if they were found, and dragged off to be executed, they'd have to pry his cold, dead body out of those arms, because he certainly wasn't going to let Sousuke die alone. Not after this. Not after all they'd been through together.
Let me be your sanctuary the way you've been mine. Even if they come to kill us. Just let me stay by your side just a bit longer.
"I'm glad it hasn't." Gin told him softly, and leant in to capture Sousuke's lips with his own, using the older man's surprise at such an action to slide his tongue into his mouth and deepen the kiss. After a moment, Sousuke responded to him. And Gin closed his eyes and lost himself in it. Let himself feel the warmth spread through his chest. Suspecting Sousuke could feel it, too, judging by his soft moan. It wasn't an intense kiss, but a soft, slow, deeply passionate one. Much like their first, only now they were in a better place, the warm feeling spread itself throughout Gin's soul instead of just his body. It was... Gin relaxed into him, a soft moan falling into the kiss, well, it was like he'd found a part of him he'd never known was missing. And he wanted, desperately then, to make up for all the time he'd wasted playing a game of mistrust and lies. To make things right with his world again.
. . .
Aizen had to admit it had been a surprise when Gin kissed him, although it was a pleasant one. But then, Gin always had been surprising, even before today. He wanted to laugh, at his vague thought that everything after yesterday he'd refer to as 'before', and everything from today onwards he'd be referring to as 'after'.
After they'd addressed their issues. After they'd reached this new level of intimacy and closeness. After they'd finally healed from Momo, and all the damage he had done.
When Gin deepened the kiss, he moaned softly. Feeling his tense body relax. Feeling the same expected warmth flood through his body at his moon's kiss, the touch of his fingers, those hands, on his neck, tangling themselves in his thick hair. And he found his own arms quickly reciprocating, pulling Gin into his arms, against his body, wanting – no, needing to hold him close. But close just wasn't close enough, and he could feel himself leaning backwards with the effort, and Gin's weight on him toppled them over, so he landed on his back with Gin on top of him. Gin broke the kiss with a laugh.
"Jus' couldn' get enough, could ya?" he asked teasingly. And he couldn't help but laugh.
"No," he replied, "No, I could not."
Gin grinned down at him and kissed him again. Hungrily, deeply. And Aizen could feel his mood lifting again. Feeling so much love for Gin in that moment, and feeling more whole than he ever had in his life.
When they broke away from each other again, hearts pounding, Gin lay on top of him, and Aizen held Gin tightly. Like all the hollows in the three worlds were trying to take him away. Unwilling to let Gin go even if armed soldiers came through the door to arrest them. Knowing that if they did come for them, he'd fight with Kyouka Suigetsu in one hand and holding Gin with his other arm, even if it impeded combat. Because he'd rather die than have the man he loved wrenched from his arms, and he'd kill anyone who tried to take Gin away from him. Kill anyone who tried to wake him from this dream.
A part of him balked at showing vulnerability so openly, and instinctively wanted to escape, hide until he felt like himself again. Another part of him - the small part that was terrified the voice would return, the honest part - knew it was a function of fear, isolation and crushing loneliness. A defence mechanism. Something Gin was a witness to, not a cause of. And to combat it, he told himself he was no weaker for holding his moon than he was alone.
Actually, it's quite the opposite, Kyouka corrected him, you're stronger for it. And again his mind wandered over the decades. Over all the suspicions he'd believed, instincts followed, advice ignored. All the times he'd made the wrong choice, even knowing that it was the wrong choice. How different things could have been, if he'd not done any of those things. So many wasted decades wouldn't have been wasted.
He remembered all the chessplay, too. Gin had learned to play the game quickly, and even as a teenager had made some impressive plays. Impressive in hindsight. At the time they'd hurt like fuck, and of course he'd redoubled his own efforts, unwilling to show any weakness that might be exploited. But again, in hindsight it was so, so pointless. Because what was Gin going to do to him? Seriously? Gin hadn't so much as teased him for literally sobbing over nothing. He could have laughed, could have walked out, could have twisted the knife and returned even a fraction of the pain that Aizen had dealt him over the years.
But no. His moon had done none of that, and he felt guilty for believing the hellish voice's lies -
He doesn't love you. I bet he never loved you. I don't know why you're even bothering because he doesn't care. He hates you. I don't blame him after all you've done to hurt him...
He felt guilty too, for his natural paranoia. That even now his instinct was still to protect himself, even though he knew Gin wouldn't do anything to him, despite how much he deserved it. A single tear slipped from his eye and he brushed it away thankful Gin's head was on the other side. He drew shaky breath and tightened his grip, willing Gin to stay put until he collected himself again.
He ran through possible flowers to capture this moment as a way to distract himself. Perhaps he could have something waiting for Gin when they arrived at Las Noches. Something that would convey the gratitude and sense of refuge that he couldn't verbally express. At least not yet, anyway.
. . .
Gin felt his partner shaking and held tighter, playing the role of the comforted. Because, well, it was comfortable here, and he liked the feeling of safety being held so tightly in those arms provided. But also because he was beginning to understand that Aizen found all the smoke and illusion necessary, and he'd rather pretend he was the one who needed the comfort and support his sun than watch another painful sequence of Aizen transparently trying to not give a damn. Something that would only be made more painful for the fact he'd likely succeed, given his track record. And Gin would much rather see a smile on Sousuke's face than see that again. Much rather.
So Gin just kissed his partner's neck affectionately, burying his face there. Sighing softly in contentment as they lay together, still tangled together, toes touching on the futon, more than satisfied with their kiss and their progress. And at being able to breathe again, now that the voice in Sousuke's head was quiet again. Although, something still nagged at him, and the thought just wouldn't go away. He knew Sousuke always bottled things up, to protect him, and probably protect himself to a degree, and if the monster in Sousuke's skull reared its head again, he feared old patterns might repeat themselves again. He didn't want that. He wanted Sousuke to tell him things, share his burdens, like people were supposed to in relationships. Hell, they were married, even. If this was ever going to work, they had to stand as equals. Communicate.
And if they were starting over, this had to be a two way street. No more lies. No more mistrust. Those things had nearly destroyed them before, and Gin wasn't about to let them destroy again.
"If I…" he began, unsure of how to phrase this. It had been bothering him, just how long the voice had been affecting his Sousuke without his knowledge. And it was something he needed to know, now they were making a fresh go of things. He needed to know what he was going into. He thought for a moment, for a way to phrase his question delicately. Until he realised there was no delicate way he could word it, so in the end he just decided to be blunt.
"Can I ask ya something?"
"Of course," Aizen said smiling softly. And Gin rolled off him to settle beside him on the futon so he could see Sousuke's face.
"You didn't tell me the voice was getting worse." he said softly. Pausing for a moment. "How long's tha' been goin' on?" he asked timidly.
. . .
Aizen tried not to wince at being laid bare like that. He'd been dreading Gin finding out for so long.
Gin must have noticed his hesitance because he immediately backpedaled, "It's okay ya' don't hav ta' explain," he said quietly.
Aizen felt the tension in Gin's body, and realised he'd heard that quiet tone far too many times before. He'd always assumed that Gin didn't actually want to know the answer but, now he knew that Gin probably just got tired of never getting one. He swallowed the bile in his throat at the realisation. He felt like absolute scum. Worse than scum.
"Don't worry it's not that bad it's…" he began, but he caught himself, seeing Gin's jaw tense. No, that wasn't right. Gin didn't want reassurance, he wanted to know what the situation was. What he was walking into. He swallowed again. God he didn't want to talk about this, didn't want to think about it. It was something he'd sworn to himself to do: protect Gin from the monster. He'd vowed to keep Gin safe, protect him at all costs – even if that meant being silent, if it meant killing, lying, betraying. Keeping the voice a secret. But wasn't this what he had sworn to stop, to break the eight decade long cycle of lies and gameplay so they could start again?
He took a deep breath and sighed slowly. Bracing himself.
"Slowly for… ever." he said quietly. He swallowed thickly. He may not have wanted to talk about this, but he knew he had to if their relationship was ever going to work. "It got a lot worse after…" he paused a moment to regain control of his voice. Somewhere in that last sentence it had started wobbling, and he had to take a moment to brace himself to say the name of the woman who'd almost brought them to destruction. "Momo." he whispered. "Then it backed off for a while, but… It's been back with a vengeance for the last year. Worse than ever." he finished, taking a slow calming breath.
A long, silent moment passed as he watched Gin take a deep breath and recover from what he'd just been told. To catch his breath again.
"Shit…" Gin whispered. Though he recovered quickly, Sousuke could still see how much that revelation had affected Gin. "I had no idea I'm… I'm so sorry. Can I help?" Gin offered. Sympathy and guilt written on his face. Oh god don't look like that, he pleaded silently, I'll start crying again and death by mortification is not what I want on my grave marker. He took another breath, if only to get a grip on himself.
"You weren't supposed to, I'm sorry that you did find out. You are helping, but…" his voice trailed off as he hesitated. This was supposed to be a new beginning, no more keeping Gin in the dark to protect him unless it was truly life and death. So he changed tack.
"It's been silent since we fell asleep," he finished.
"Stop that." Gin said, half-heartedly scolding him. Though the massive grin on his face gave him away. Another echo of the young boy he fell in love with. "But I'm glad I know I can' fight with you if I don't even know where the enemy is."
Aizen smiled at his Gin. His Moon. And there he goes again, making my burdens lighter. How can I ever repay this?
. . .
Gin was thoroughly pleased to hear that he'd helped, even if it was just in a small trivial way. Though he did notice the imperious way Aizen had said 'you weren't supposed to'. It made him think back to all the times he'd heard it when they were alone.
You weren't supposed to find out.
You weren't supposed to know.
I never wanted you to find out... not like this.
He'd always assumed that it was just Aizen's natural tendency to dominate and control, wondered now if it was a way to try to regain control when he felt lost or- weak. He almost laughed at the thought. Until just yesterday he'd have bet everything he owned that Aizen Sousuke had never felt either in his life. Gin had always thought those things the domain of normal souls like himself desperately trying to live up to Aizen's image.
But that's all it was. Just an image. An illusion. A lie.
An endless cycle of love and gameplay and heartbreak. One he hoped, sincerely, wouldn't restart again.
But it's a new beginning, right? A chance to start over again. Have the intimacy and closeness we were meant to have from the start.
He felt Sousuke's chest rise and fall heavily as he lay on the older man's chest, heard him sigh slowly. Deeply.
"You know if you're still scared… you can tell me." Aizen said quietly. "I meant what I said before. You don't have to come with me,"
Gin lifted himself off of him just so he could stare stupidly into his eyes. Surprised by this relinquishing of control. Especially since fighting for it was their game, practically foreplay. His confusion showed for just a moment before he caught himself.
"It's okay I," he began, but instantly checked himself. He'd been about to brush the accusation off, as was his default reaction, but he quickly realised that he didn't have to anymore. He had to be cocky and untouchable to everyone, but not Rangiku. And certainly not Aizen. Not anymore.
No. No more of that. We have to break that cycle. Or try to.
"I was but, I feel better now." Gin corrected himself. "I just thought that you were gonna leave wit'ou me," he explained.
Aizen reached out placing his hand over Gin's own, like he had so many times before to seduce him. Now though, it seemed to be a simple need for contact… oh shit. How the hell had he not seen that before? He'd wondered the day before at why such a simple declaration had pierced his Sun's otherwise impregnable armor. How could he have missed that the man had been screaming - albeit subtly - for contact since the day they met?
Good god, I am an idiot. Gin cursed himself.
Yup. Shinsou agreed. A big dumb idiot. You see, you never listen to me when I tell you things.
Yer not s'posed ta agree wit' me! Gin spouted back at him. But Shinsou only laughed at him. Gin scowled mentally at his zanpaktou. Fuckin snarky shit.
Well pay more attention next time! Shinsou countered. And Gin tried hard not to rail at his zanpaktou. Because of course, as always, Shinsou was right. Not that he'd ever admit that to the sarcastic little shit, of course.
"That's good," Aizen whispered. Snapping Gin back to reality. The fuck? Aizen never lowered his voice like that. It was almost as if he were timid. Gin blinked his eyes, trying hard not to start analysing whether this was some sort of ploy or trick and ultimately failing because old habits did indeed die long, hard, slow deaths. But, seeing that appearances aside, Aizen was still shaken by recent events, Gin resolved as he had once so long ago to enjoy this new closeness while it lasted and offer support where he could. Even if it was just in small, trivial little ways, like making him laugh.
"Though I want to ask," Aizen said, beating him to the punch with what he assumed would be some witty remark, switching moods so very quickly again, just like he had all those decades ago. "Why in all the hells would you think I'd ever leave without you?"
Gin digested that statement. Another confident remark masking the real statement. Because even though he could see Sousuke was trying, old habits – even Sousuke's - died slow, hard deaths. But knowing what he knew now, Gin could see through that filter. And he felt very small at Sousuke's question, and all it implied.
"I dunno." he answered. Because honestly, looking back on it now, he hadn't the foggiest idea where that fear had sprung from. But he shrugged it off. "S'always been a fear I guess. Bein' abandoned."
He felt his Sun's fingers squeeze his, tightly at that. Oh, he realised. Glancing down at their joined hands. I guess its his fear too.
Gin glanced up at his face again, tearing his gaze away from their connected hands. Saw Sousuke smirk at him. "Well," Aizen said, "it's a good thing I still need you around, then."
Gin opened his mouth, about to scold him for that arrogance. For gods sakes, Gin was baring his soul here. The least the man could do was not tease him about it! He was about to say so, but it was Shinsou who stopped him.
Read between the lines, Shinsou told him firmly. Or rather, commanded. Gin closed his mouth again and thought about it. Weighing the words. Rationality replacing his indignance. Old habits did die hard, he rationalised. And after a quiet moment, for the first time, Gin sat and read between the lines.
It had been yet another confident remark. From the outside, more seemingly arrogant posturing. Or possibly him trying too hard to lighten the mood. But he'd since learnt to see through the smoke and look through the mirrors. Yesterday had taught him that. And looking through the smoke now, he could hear what Sousuke was really trying to say.
I won't abandon you. I need you.
Gin had to smile at his partner after realising that. A soft, tender, gentle smile. One that reached his eyes, and one he hoped would convey all the love he felt for that man.
"Yeah." he answered softly. His hand squeezing Sousuke's. "It is."
. . .
Aizen smiled at his Gin, knowing Gin had heard the words he hadn't had the eloquence to say. But true honesty would take practice. And old habits died terribly slowly. So it would take some time to get where they truly needed to be with each other, but this was a good start.
Best get practicing, then. Kyouka snarked playfully. He could only sigh at her. Did she have to be right all the time?
He did wish so much could have been played out differently, though. Then maybe they wouldn't be sitting here now. The affair wouldn't have happened, none of this mess would have happened, and their relationship would have been a hell of a lot healthier. And it definitely wouldn't have been marred by decades of lies and chessplay.
He closed his eyes for a moment, wondering what their lives would have been, had they walked a different path. Comparing it with what they had now.
Because he'd regretted so much, wasted so much time, and now they were both paying for it.
"I wish things were different." he said finally, quietly giving voice to his true thoughts. Because this was supposed to be a new beginning right? A fresh start for the both of them. Breaking the cycle. "I wish so much could have played out differently between us. That we'd just been honest about what we wanted from the start."
. . .
Gin paused, digesting this new thought for a moment. Chewing it over in his head. Because it had been a thought lurking in his head, too. Particularly in the years following the affair with Momo. A thought he hadn't truly considered until now. What would their lives, their relationship, be like had things played out any differently than they had? If so much were different. If just one thing were different. If they'd been honest with each other from the start... if Momo hadn't happened... if Gin hadn't sent that lavender and sown the seeds of doubt and mistrust... if Kyoraku hadn't watered those seeds and made them grow just because he'd judged Sousuke based on his reputation alone?
They might not necessarily be sitting here right now... or they might well be sitting here right now, but... would they have had something like a normal relationship? Like Kyoraku and Ukitake? A couple he'd often envied. Would they still be fiercely protective over each other? Would they be where they were now? Would they have appreciated each other the way they did right now, in this moment, if they'd followed the path those two had walked? If they'd had a 'normal' relationship? A 'normal' marriage?
Gin had to think about it.
Probably not.
But Sousuke still posed the question. What if? And it bounced around Gin's skull.
What if? What if? What if? What if a lot of things.
What if things were different? What if they'd been honest from the start? What if Gin had trusted him? So many questions. So many possibilities. And he did start to wonder. What would life be like, at the end of the road not taken?
He shoved the questions away. Because they didn't matter. None of it mattered. All that matters is that we're here now. That we love each other. That we're together, through and through.
Nothin' else matters. Nothing.
And Gin knew, in this moment, right now, that no matter how badly fucked up things were, how bad it got, he'd rather be sitting here with this Aizen Sousuke than anywhere else. Lies and chessplay be damned.
Because if just one thing were different... even one single thing... Aizen Sousuke would not be the man he loved. And they would not be sitting here today, finally enjoying the closeness and emotional intimacy they'd always lacked. Even if it took them eight decades to get there.
Okay things might not have been perfect – Shinsou barked out a laugh, HA! - okay, by a long shot things weren't perfect, and the last decade might have been fucked to all hell, because of Momo Hinamori, because of all the lies, the games, the pain and now the terror. They might have even hurt each other irreparably... but, they had a life together. They'd built a life together, and fucked up or not it was theirs.
And Gin wouldn't trade that for anything. Wouldn't let anybody taint it or take it away. Not the voice. Not Momo. And certainly not anybody else.
And besides that, all things considered, Gin would rather be sitting here now with this version of his Sousuke than some other watered down, inferior copy. Screw Kyoraku and Ukitake. They could keep their happy little life. Gin would take the fire and passion and chessplay Sousuke gave him any day. Even if he got burned by it. For better or worse, right?
"I don't." Gin said quietly. "I don't wish anything were different."
Sousuke looked confused at his statement. "Why?" he said simply. Gin reasoned with himself his incredulity at this had to be because the man had regretted so much in their eight decades together, that given any opportunity to go back and change things, he would. On that matter, their views conflicted.
"I'm not angry," Sousuke added quickly, as if afraid he'd overstepped. His hand gently stroking Gin's cheek. "I'm just curious."
Gin thought for a moment for the right words. To convince his partner why he'd rather things be how they were, instead of wanting things like the affair erased from their history, he'd need the right words. Something Gin still didn't feel he was very good at. But then, he'd talked Aizen around from thinking he didn't deserve to be with him, so he was probably better than he thought at it. Although, he had to smile to himself, he'd had a pretty good teacher.
"Well," Gin began, "Because you wouldn't be you. And I wouldn't be me. You always did say our experiences make us who we are... and if things hadn't played out how they did, you wouldn't love me the way you do right now. And you wouldn't be the man I love. You'd be somebody different."
Gin scooted himself closer, pulling himself into those warm arms and working his own arms around Aizen's warm body. "An' I don' think I can love somebody different." he said, though his words were somewhat muffled by Sousuke's chest as he buried his face there.
"Well, that's fair," Sousuke answered him. And Gin could hear the smile in his voice. How pleased he was. "We don't get to choose who we love."
Gin smiled, moving back so he could see his face. "And if ya had a choice?"
"Then I'd still choose to love you." Sousuke answered.
"Every time?" Gin asked hopefully. Though he knew the answer before he even asked.
"Every time." Sousuke echoed back to him. Gin couldn't help the huge grin breaking out on his face at those words as he squeezed his Sousuke tight. Thinking that if he was going to be a traitor, there was no-one else he'd rather be a traitor with. He might be deluded for being happy with this. Stupid. Mad. Insane, even. But he'd take stupid, deluded, mad, insane happiness over being a miserable cog in the wheel any day of the week.
It was better than repeating an endless cycle of breaking each other, anyway.
"What are you smiling about?" Sousuke asked, amusement in his voice and a smile on his face.
"How stupidly happy I am." Gin told him, with an equally large smile. Because they were being honest now, right?
Sousuke laughed then. A light, musical sound Gin hadn't heard in so long. "S'good to hear ya laugh," Gin told him.
Sousuke smiled back at him. "It's good to laugh."
Gin smiled across at him again, enjoying seeing the light in those chocolate eyes again, after what had felt like an eternity. And with a hand he slowly reached out to caress Sousuke's face. His fingertips coming to rest on his left temple before running over the small scars his glasses had made when the lenses had cracked into pieces and embedded themselves into his skin. They were healed now, but still there. Small and unnoticeable unless you knew what to look for. Gin's smile softened.
"I think I get it. Why ya do that. Touch here." he said softly.
"You do?" Aizen asked him, skeptical.
"Uh-huh." Gin nodded. "Ya do it when yer confused right? You were confused earlier. Dunno bout what but bout somethin'. Ya looked like ya were thinkin' real hard about something."
He watched Sousuke blink in surprise and then smile ruefully. "Am I really so transparent?" he asked.
Gin had to smile. The man still had his pride. "Only to me." he said gently. Only because I've known you for so long.
"S'alright," Gin added quickly, a playful smirk on his lips, "I won't tell."
"Oh," Sousuke returned his smirk, pulling Gin closer to him, purring into Gin's neck and tickling him, "I'll make sure you won't."
And so Sousuke began laying a trail of wet kisses down his neck, hands tickling him under his armpits and making him laugh, "Sousuke! No!"
It was then that Gin happened to glance at the clock. Squeaking when he saw it was already noon. Aizen looked up and ceased his ministrations at the noise.
"I 'm late fer work!" Gin exclaimed, quickly disentangling himself from Sousuke's arms and rising. "'m sorry I have to go."
"You're always late," Aizen replied, annoyed. "When you were my lieutenant, if it weren't for me you'd never have got anywhere on time."
Gin shook his head. Throwing on his haori. "Never been late this bad. People will wonder,"
Terror welled up inside him again. The all too familiar terror of being discovered, being found out. They had to be careful, so careful now... even the tiniest slipup... the tiniest mistake, and they'd be found and executed without trial...
In his panic, he felt Aizen's hand on his arm. Stilling him. Quieting his fear as those hands, his presence always had. Calming his inner his storm.
"Stay" Aizen commanded. He looked at the older man's pale face his head was turned away so he couldn't catch his eye. No, not commanding and definitely not annoyed, acting annoyed but…scared?
"Please?"
A long frozen moment passed. Gin felt his heart beat once. Twice. Three times. Quietly recalling a similar plea made in the hospital after Sousuke was diagnosed with concussion. A hand grabbing his wrist before he could run away. A voice thick with desperation and something resembling shame.
Please? Stay with me. Please, stay. Please...
Gin swallowed thickly. Stay. Please. It was the same tone, the same voice, the same desperation. And the harsh reality homed in for Gin like a serrated knife into his flesh, a gunshot to the chest. Even back then, the voice had affected him.
Gin had to fight for breath. For air. To remain upright.
God. Eight decades. Eight decades and I never realised...
"I ca-" Sousuke cut himself off. Swallowed. Collected himself. "I don't want the voice to comeback," he admitted, and shame dripped from the words.
And Gin's resolve shattered.
Well, shit. Next to this, skiving off work was nothing. He'd done it before for far more frivolous reasons, as Kira would attest to quite vehemently.
So he sat back down again, before his legs gave out from under him with the shock. And he embraced Aizen without a word. Holding him tight. This moment, when you stripped away the games and the voice and the killing and the terror and the pain, these moments were why they stayed together. Iceburgs of realness in a sea of falsehood.
Moments neither of them would ever take for granted again.
He desperately wanted to give Sousuke a flower to express how he felt, but the closest ones he could come up with were flowering dogwood: Love undiminished by adversity. Love undiminished by the hellish voice. And Indian jasmine: attachment. 'I'm not going anywhere.'
"Moon of my life," Aizen whispered. And Gin smiled, tears of happiness falling onto Aizen's shoulder, though he desperately tried to blink them away before they fell. Knowing that whatever happened, however bad Huecco Mundo was, however fucked up things became, he'd remember this moment until the day he died, and wished with all his heart that Aizen felt the same.
On second thought, Gin was sure he did. If yesterday had told him anything, Gin was sure he did.
"My sun." Gin answered him, as soon as he trusted his voice enough to speak without shaking too much. "My sun and stars."