A/N: I know I have not been updating lately, I have been going through some stuff. It seems to be getting a bit better. I appreciate your reviews, thank you! There is a possible character death in this one.. take it as you wish :)
It is a hard thing to accept, to understand, even harder to experience. It is difficult to acknowledge that you have become the one thing your fought never to become- you have become one of "them." One of those you so desperately fought to protect, to save,to advocate for; and now, you are seeing everything from their eyes.
And it is an entirely new experience, a new perspective, a uniqueness you could have done without. You are seeing what all those you have rescued, all those you have been too late for- what they have experienced. And it's just as awful as you always imagined it would be.
And yet, it's nothing like you thought it would be.
You know what has happened, your brain and body are working in conjunction with each other to keep you going, to keep you alive, to keep you sane. And you are grateful for it- for your body and brain allowing you not to feel any pain. To feel anything really.
Not even fear.
And as you lie, unable to convince your own body to move, you look up and see one of the most beautiful sights you have seen in a while. It brings a new feeling to you, one you don't remember having for a while. You feel at peace. The stars are a brilliant bright as they shine down on you, they stand out against the somber mood the raven sky seems to eliect. How is that you have never noticed it before?
They seem to be calling to you, almost calling to you. They bring about a peace that you never knew existed and you find that you cannot tear your line of sight away from them. They are beautiful; twinkling lights in a dark night sky.
Your eyes move back and forth, your eyeline taking in the thousands of stars, smiling as you see the beauty that each one holds. For a moment, it's all you can focus on, it takes your mind off the hell you have survived.
The hell you have survived. You blink your eyes for a moment; trying to remember it all. You dont know why you want to remember, but find it unnerving that you are actually actively having to do so. To force yourself to remember.
You close your eyes and remember a few things, something happened at work (you cannot remember what you do for work really..) just that it happened at work. A gun was involved, and there was chaos. People calling your name (you cannot remember your name right now) and pain. So much pain; but it is all gone now and the only thing you actually feel is relief and peace.
You know you are in in a corn field, and you know it is cold outside, but it isn't bothersome, you aren't bothered by the cold anymore. You aren't bothered by much.
You find yourself wanting to close your eyes, and sleep. Let go of something- but there is that something keeping you from doing so.
You belong somewhere, to somebody, to a team of someones- and your mind is not letting it go. You cannot let yourself go until you remember who that team is. You sense they are important to you, that they love you and protect you. Yet, this team, you cannot picture or remember much about them.
In a jolt of awareness, it hits you, you are scared. You are scared of not knowing much, not knowing who this group of people are that care so much about you and you want to cry. You are scared because you do not know. You rack your brain and find that there really is nothing there.
You do not know your name, what has happened, who you are, how you got where you are. You don't remember why you are scared- but feel a force pulling you to it. But you cannot give into yet- you are holding on.
And then the one thing you know you are holding on for comes barreling over a hill, a lot of someone's come rushing towards you and you smile in relief.
They are talking- saying something, but you cannot force your body to respond, but instead allow yourself to take in the grace that their hands bring. You give into whatever is calling you and when you open your eyes again, your perspective is very different.
Instead of looking up, you are looking down.
And you remember everyone that is gathered around you.
Hotch is there and if you close your eyes again, you can feel his hands frantically feeling for a pulse.
Morgan is right beside him, calling your name, shouting at you to wake up.
Reid is on the phone, calling for 911.
Rossi is just standing there; he already knows what you are just realizing.
Emily is falling down next to Morgan and Hotch.
And you see what has happened, you know what has happened. Your team is too late to have saved you, tonight the bad guy won.
"Guys stop." You find yourself whispering, watching as Hotch frantically pumps on your chest in an effort to bring you back. You watch as he pumps hard, breaking your ribs, you feel nothing.
You hate what is happening now, you hate watching your team desperate to beat the odds and bring you back. But you have been gone for a while now, and your soul has simply been waiting for this. To see your family one more time.
And while they cannot see you, you walk over to each one of them, kiss them on the cheek and thank them.
You thank Hotch for believing in you and trusting you, for being the protective leader. You thank Morgan for teaching you so much; so many skills that have saved your life before tonight. You kiss Reid on the cheek, wiping away his tears as your promise that you will always be there for him, Rossi- you hug and ask him to take care of Reid for you. Emily- you watch as she allows the awful realization to seep in; she knows you are gone. And you thank her for gently placing her hands on Morgan and Hotch, silently telling them to stop CPR.
"Hi Jenny." You turn around and smile. Your sister is right there. Your sister. Your best friend is standing in front of you, her arms open.
She is just as you remember her, beautiful, happy. And you find yourself rushing towards her.
And when you collide with her, you melt into her embrace. And cry.
For here, there is no pain, no hurt, no fear. There is simply peace.