Love of the Earth
The Planeteers were at the beach cleaning up trash people had carelessly and thoughtlessly dumped there while they were far too busy having fun at the beach. The garbage got all over the tiny sea creatures and birds and jelly fish and basking sharks and all of sweet dear mother Gaia's dearest womb spawn. She shed tears of pure heart wrenching anguish as she sat in her crystalline throne eating Mcnuggets with honey for dippin.
"Why can't these humans use the trash cans once in a while instead of my delicious grass encrusted sand covered dirt carpets?" she whispered to herself, popping another inorganic mutated chicken husk into her sultry non-fishwax made lipstick laced mouth. She felt a disturbance in the force and pressed her fingers to her sweet sweet mocha temples and used her psychic powers to contact the Planeteers.
The planeteers, not having inter-galactic inter-dimensional magical earth nymph overseer call waiting, answered right away like the good little angsty tweens they were. The Chinese one picked up the call on her braces.
"Herro?" she said. Oh wait, wrong episode. "Hello this is Gi. What is it, Gaia?" asked the perky young water empowered Chinese girl. Or was she from Laos? I can't remember. I know she was from Asia but did it specify? I must brush up my shows. I love them but it's been a while and Youtube always takes everything down more each year.
Back at the Hope Island Gaia was feeling the trouble brewing. "Oh Planeteers! I have horrible news. While you were out cleaning the beaches that are just going to get dirty again five minutes after you all leave, the evil Eco-Villains Dr. Blight and Looten Plunder have made some scary pollution making machine laser or something. They are going to go around and ruin everything all over the earth and murder poor innocent little flowers," she said quite unhappily.
"Oh no! That is terrible," said Gi feeling her depression growing like when she was twelve and very chunky.
"What's going on? What happened?" asked the token blackateer, Kwame. Oh wait, he doesn't use contractions, according to one of my friends writings which was far better than mine and had proper plot. "What is going on? What has happened?" he asked warily.
"Dr. Blight and Looten Plunder are getting ready to attack the earth by polluting," said Gi.
"Those deviously annoying yet somewhat charismatic and enjoyable pricks," said Wheeler. "Let's go kick their asses, CP style!"
"Indeed let us knock them up!" said Linka (I am not ever going to try and attempt to write Linka's accent, I'm just telling you that right now.)
"It's "knock them out", Linka," corrected Wheeler.
"Shut up, Yankee," retorted Linka lovably.
"Commie," snapped the fiery wise-cracking Brooklynite. They were just kidding and promptly made out after the rest of the group had run off to the sparkling golden solar powered air ship.
"Come on you guys or we'll turn on the hose here!" yelled Gi. "We have to move out quickly before they kill the pretty green things and rape all the flowers," she said as the rest of the scruffy little gang of Planetscouts and their wretched pet spider monkey boarded the ship. Why do they always have to have some hideously annoying pet monkey or monkey side kick. Blip, Gleek, Coconuts, Jake. I hate them all.
MEANWHILE NOT ALL THAT FAR AWAY IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE AS A REGION
"Wait, how much are we getting paid for this again?" asked the devilishly handsome permabachelor, Looten Plunder (but its been hinted that he's gay or at least his body guard sure as hell is. I don't know, people pair him up with Dr. Blight a lot but I think it's just because he's the only non-monster looking human male in the whole villains group, and she's the only chick even though they're forgetting the other side of her face is pretty fucked up looking. But I digress.)
"We're not getting paid at all, you moron," said the seductive spandex clad mad scientist, Dr. Blight. She was jamming a Phillips head into some sort of control panel of some sort of giant death ray type thing. And doing it in a very sexy way.
"NYYAAAA," said Dr. Frankenfurter. I mean MAL, her computer not-boyfriend, in his sextastic Tim Curry voice. "DEAR DOCTOR PLEASE WATCH YOUR HANDS. I'M SOOO VERY TICKLISH. HYAHAHAHAHAHA," he chortled.
"Shut up, you Max Headroom wannabee retard," ordered Dr. Blight.
"I'm sorry," said MAL and shut the hell up finally.
"Wait, we're not getting paid? Then why the hell did I even take this job?" asked Looten to himself and anybody else within the range of his fantastic rich man voice.
"Because due to an unfortunate amount of liberal assclown writers warping the characters actions depicted within this show to their outrageously false standards and ideals, you're an idiot," responded Dr. Blight cheerfully.
"Oh yeah. I forgot," said Looten and then hit himself in the head with a folding table for no apparent reason. "WEALTHY SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE ALL EVIL PLANET POLLUTING MORONS! HYUHAHAHAHAHA!" He hit himself several more times just because it was funny to all the giddy left-wingers who wrote this show.
"My super earth polluting death ray of havoc and death and polluting and doom is ready!" cried out Dr. Blight while waving her arms wildly into the air. "Let's go burn down some trees!" she exasperated.
"Yay, deforestation makes me hard!" cried Looten whilst grabbing his crotchal area. His Mr. Clean's evil gay brother cousin looking bodyguard Argos Bleak peeked from around the corner and gave a girlish giggle of arousal.
So then Dr. Blight and Looten Plunder went off to burn down trees because it was funny to them and they don't care about the environment because they are probably Republicans or sadistic unregistered voters.
FLYING OVER THE OCEAN SOMEWHERE PRESUMABLY TO GET TO WHERE THE EVIL DOERS WERE
"I see some trees on fire so we must be getting close," said the most useless Planeer Ma-Ti between his unrelenting sobs of grief from being so worthless. That Guy With The Glasses said it best.
"OOK OOK," said his hideous pet monkey.
"Oh no, Dr. Blight is using some kind of scary death ray ray that kills the environment because that is the kind of stuff she always builds when she is not killing puppies or whatever," cried Kwame. And then he started break dancing.
"DA SUNG SUK BAI LA FUN KWAAAH" swore Gi in her lovely Asian accent as she accidentally opened up Wheeler's Hot Asian Chicks porn stash from the ship's computer files and saw numerous pictures of herself undressing in there. "Wheeler, you stupid fuck American!"
But Wheeler didn't hear her shouts of rage because he was still sucking face with Linka.
Then Gi forgot what she was supposed to be doing and crashed the ship into the ground in front of the two dastardly evil earth hating villains.
"Oh no, here comes those stupid Planeteers again!" yelled Dr. Blight as she kicked a now homeless squirrel and a rabbit. AT THE SAME TIME. Because she's so evil. The poor little woodland creatures squeaked and ran off holding their furry asses to go find a Furrie housing commune.
"Let's just kill them with our guns," said Looten.
"We can't have guns unless they are lasers," said Dr. Blight. "And they have to be magic G-rated lasers that don't ever hurt anything."
"Well that sucks a lot of dicks," said Looten sadly.
"Did someone say sucking dicks?" yelled Captain Planet who came smashing down through the ceiling.
"Wait nobody even called you, how did you get out here?" demanded Dr. Blight in a tantrum.
"And we're outside so why was there even a ceiling mentioned?" queried Looten.
"Oh. Well I-" began Captain Craplet before he exited stage left rather than have to stay and explain the situation to everyone.
Then the Planeteers came running out of their flaming ship and lined up over dramatically like they probably enjoy doing and Kwame said, "It is time to do the calling of the Captain of Planets! I wish I was Jamaican, imagine how cool that would sound!"
But nobody really cared because they still wanted the mysterious missing Planeteer from Australia to show up and tell them all about boomerangs. But he didn't and everyone was sad. The Planeteers thrust their magical non-Dinosaucers rip off rings into the air and called forth their awesome equally magical Gary Stu elemental earth savior from his slumber. Or wherever he had just been five minutes ago after his unexpected story interruption.
"Earth!"
"Fire!"
"Wind!"
"Water!"
"Shit!"
Everybody turned to see Ma-Ti struggling with his diabolical pet monkey who was biting his ring finger like the scummy vicious wild animal it was.
"LET GO, YOU RABID EBOLA VIRUS CARRYING FREAK!" he screamed in his tiny pre-pubescent voice. "DON'T JUST STAND THERE, HELP ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS!"
After several minutes of standing there and watching because it was amazingly damn funny Wheeler finally walked over and instead of pulling the chittering beast off of the young boy he just punched Ma-Ti and then took off the ring after the monkey had bitten off the finger and put it on himself.
Then he went back to the others and raised up the ring and yelled out "Heart!"
And then up in the sky in a sparkle of glitters and speed lines appeared Captain Planet!
"CAPTAIN PLANET!" he shouted at the top of his lungs in case slow children were around and they didn't understand that he was Captain fucking Planet, divine and ancient spirit of the earth.
"Oh no, I didn't get to burn enough trees!" bemoaned Looten as he had not fully achieved a proper erection yet.
"I'm going to use my super powerful evil death ray that pollutes and makes fire or something to kill you, Captain Planet!" yelled the seductive Dr. Blight as she stuck her supple spandex kissed curves out for all to see.
Captain Planet stopped in midair, being quite impressed by the display.
"Damn. I'd like to tap that ass," he said lustfully with his best raep face on. Which probably would look like the troll face except as a Captain Planet face. Which is damn creepy to think about if you imagine that showing up at your bedroom window at 3 in the a.m.
"Tap this!" yelled Dr. Blight as she turned her death ray up to 11 and it gave CP the raping of his life and he smashed into a tree. "Besides, we all know you're the gayest one in this entire show."
"OW MY MULLET! MY PERFECT MULLET!" wailed the great Captain as many of his lovely green locks had been cast to and fro out of their regular shape.
And then Looten Plunder dumped a big dump truck full of nasty oil soaked mud or something on him because he had a dump truck there and it was full of that. Because he did.
"Arrrrrrrg!" yelled Captain Planet as he grew weak from dirt. Not good earth dirt but dirty dirt. If somehow that makes any sense.
"You horrible people! You're injuring Captain Planet!" shouted Gi as she pulled out her triangle hat and prepared to give a chop socky style beat down like it was still the 70s and Bruce Lee was alive.
"I'm okay," said Captain Planet as he rose up from the dirt on the third day. Oh wait, wrong story again. "I'm going to make you pay for hurting trees and damaging the environment."
But then he tripped over an innocent brother root and fell face first into a dirty oily ooze puddle and started gasping for breath and dying again. Because he's Captain Planet.
"Oh no, Captain Plantation is injured again! We need to save him with some water!" cried Kwame as Dr. Blight pulled out a dominatrix whip from seemingly nowhere and began to whip the mighty African warrior as he stood proud and unrelenting in the face of his white oppressor.
"Your name is Toby!" she screeched in her sexiest Meryl Streep voice. Wait, who the hell was her voice actor again? Meg Ryan? Whatever.
"KUNTA KINTE!" shouted Kwame. "I mean KWAME! You cracker white bitch!" And then he broke free of his bonds and threw a chunk of non-burnt wood at the seductress.
"Ow my sexy face!" yelled Dr. Blight as she got hit in the ugly part of her face by the wood block. Seeing as how it was already the fucked up part of her face which was hideous already, it did no damage. But it still knocked her down.
Gi the water Planeteer who would have really been coming in handy at the given time was far too busy swearing in Cantonese or whichever moon language she specializes in and kicking Looten Plunder's gay henchbodyguard in the crotch. Argos, being the twisted masochist he was, simply enjoyed it thoroughly and kept on giggling like a beastly demonic crack-whore anorexic looking 33 year old woman with Aspergers who had just discovered Transformers porn fetish fanfics for the first time on her daddy's brand new internet computer. Somebody was going to have to cut that internet down.
Somehow Dr. Blight and Looten Plunder were not even in the area any longer and nobody knew where they went. Linka, being the only Planeteer with half a functioning brain left went and got a bucket of water from a nearby lake nobody had thought to have gone to to help put out all the trees on fire with and now half the forest was burnt down, and dumped it onto Captain Planet so the dirt would stop making his weak ass die.
"I'm alive again!" he yelled happily as he became shiny and filled with pep, vigor, and cleansing lemony fresh sparkles once more.
"Captain Planet! How are we going to save the forest now?" yelled Wheeler refusing to let go of Linka's firm ass even thought she kept staring at him in a hinting notion.
Captain Planet flew into the air again and raised his finger triumphantly.
"I'll save it, don't worry," he said with a large minty fresh smile.
He flew over the burning forest and pulled down his little red panties and unleashed a mighty spray of crystal clear fluoride, vitamin, and mineral fortified urine across the raging wildfire. Because he's Captain fucking Planet.
And lo and behold the fires were quenched and died away and everyone cheered except Ma-Ti who was still being pretty much eaten alive by the disgusting monkey. No one cared.
Captain Planet flew back down to the ground and gave a hearty laugh. All the Planeteers stared and looked really uncomfortable (except Linka) because he had not remembered to place his giant blue dong back into his red undies and it was right there in everyone's face.
"I have saved the earth once again!" he shouted.
"Go planet!" everyone else who was still there and not in any form of distress of distraction shouted.
"Say, where did Dr. Blight and Looten Plunder go off to?" asked Kwame.
Linka and Wheeler had gone back to making out really hard and so nobody else was left to answer him besides Captain Planet and Captain was too busy staring at Linka's fine ass to notice him talking, so nobody gave an answer. But then he noticed the nearby van parked in the grass which was rocking back and forth quite suspiciously. Captain Planet snapped out of his horny daze and saw Kwame looking at the van and his hornyness was re-energized so he flew over to it quickly and threw open the door.
"Oh mama!" he exclaimed with delight upon seeing the delicious naked sight inside.
"Hey shut the door you Freakazoid looking hippie retard," yelled Dr. Blight as she was pounded by Looten's massive love rod.
And he shut it. From the INSIDE. Wink wink.
And then the ruckus coming out of the van grew several times louder as the Captain gave Dr. Blight and Looten Plunder the colon cleansing of their lives. Kwame was standing there looking pissed off as usual but who can tell because his face looks like that a lot anyway.
"Um did we save the day or what?" he asked. "Because it really does not feel like we did for some reason."
But then he saw two kids littering candy wrappers on the grass and chased after them while screaming loudly.
Inside the rape is love van where much sharing of bodily fluids was going on, Captain was ramming Looten into the wall with his magnificent steel like shaft so much the van nearly tipped over which made Dr. Blight get all pissy because she was trying to apply eye shadow made from animal parts and dangerous chemicals and there was also lots of testing on the poor little lab animals done to get the formula correct.
"You'll pay for this, Captain Planet!" Looten gasped as Captain's mighty crystal staff of ultimate justice gave him an unrelentingly erotic what-for in his tight white rich man's tanned toned buttocks. His knees went weak at the feel of the flowing love nectar produced by the seven foot tall blue magic man's abrupt climax.
"UUUUUUHHHHH TED TURNERRRRRRRR IS A GREAT WISE MAN WHO WILL ONE DAY RULE OVER US ALLLLLLL," Captain Planet cried out. After he was done splashing Looten's insides with sticky sex juice he ripped the back seat out and hit Looten over the head with it, knocking him out cold so he wouldn't have time to go call his lawyers. Because he's CAPTAIN fucking PLANET.
Then he bounced Dr. Blight's head into the steering wheel making the horn honk a lot until he got bored. Then he burst out through the top of the van and into the air and flew over the Planetwats and farted a huge gust of wind that blew them all away.
And then he shouted,
"THE POWER IS YOURS!"
and flew off into the sunset. Which was not possible because the sun had set hours ago and it was ten o' clock at night. But he did it anyway because he's
CAPTAIN FUCKING PLANET.
The End.
Dedicated to my friend who's fantastical crossover I was featured in though the character seems nothing at all like me because I'm no longer seventeen and that much of a retarded weeiboo, or otaku or something. I don't know, look it up on ED the source of all the world's comedic and terrifying information on abnormal psyche due to massive internet usage.