Captain Archer had an interesting and often stressful life. It wasn't just of exploration and friendship. He had to deal with the stupid things some of his crew did. Thus, his novel began.

This was sent as a memo to the entire crew. It was fairly obvious who wrote it.

The Idiots Guide to Space Travel

Here are some simple guidelines to follow in space, both on the ship and off. If we all followed them, there would be far less accidents and reprimands.

1. Do not piss off the MACO's

a. they may one day save your life on an away mission

b. they can make your life hell

This one was pointed at Malcolm, mostly, who had made an enemy of them the moment they stepped on board. Dr. Phlox wasn't pleased when he and the Major entered sickbay after their little "sparring practice".

2. Don't bother Commander Tucker when he hasn't slept within the last 12 hours.

a. he gets cranky

b. he isn't very pleasant when he's angry

This was also pointed at Malcolm. When Malcolm and Trip have a spat, the entire engineering shift gets an earful.

3. Never insult Chef's cooking

This one is self explanatory. When Crewman Lisbon complained that her Salisbury steak was dry, she found a hair in her next meal.

4. There will be no food fights in the mess hall (or anywhere else)

Crewman Mason was pissed at his C.O. (Lieutenant Reed), so he got the other crewman at his table to "accidentally" spill on Malcolm as they passed. Let's just say that he didn't take it kindly, and him and the crewmen in question were scrubbing the mess under Chef's watchful eye

5. No one is to prank-call anyone over the intercom.

Half a dozen crewmen reported to the Captain's ready room last Tuesday stating that he had called for them. That got old… fast.

6. Pie is not to be hoarded

a. everyone likes pie

b. Chef can't keep up with the increased demand.

This one was for Commander Tucker. Last week, all of the pecan pie from the mess mysteriously disappeared. This morning, he was seen toting pie tins to the recycling receptacle on B Deck.

7. Decon is not an excuse to fraternize

a. it's creepy

b. it's awkward.

They know who they are…*cough*Mal*cough*colm*cough*cough*

8. No one is to make Vulcan Jokes

Somehow T'Pol always hears about them.

9. No one except for Phlox may practice polygamy

Several of the male crewmembers tried this on Risa. The numerous divorce papers that littered Admiral Forrest's desk took a solid month to deal with.

10. No one is to open the cages to Dr. Phlox's animals without his expressed permission.

a. they have a tendency to escape

b. particularly his bat

c. they are difficult to find and recapture

Several crewmen have done this, claiming to have only done so in order to pet them. These same crewmen spent hours trying to get them back to the doctor.

11. If you work in the armory, be sure to report on time.

a. this does not mean, however, that everyone else can report late.

Malcolm got very angry when his underlings were even a minute late. He was sending in too many complaints. It wasn't even that the rest of the departments were any better at being on time. It was merely that Malcolm was intolerant of the lack of discipline aboard.

12. If you have relationships with other crewmembers, be sure to keep it private and separate from your work.

Ensign Navarro and Lieutenant Kelby were dating (witch was already inappropriate, as he was her superior officer), and then they broke it off. They can no longer work peacefully together, which is a major inconvenience to Trip, as he was often sent to astrometrics (her post) to fix the fickle monitors.

13. Be careful about making references to superheroes off-world.

On Alistair II, an away team unknowingly started a war by debating Batman vs. Superman in front of a child. This child told the entire village of the argument, and it created factions in the society; the Batmen and the Supermen.

14. As tempting as it is, you are not to use the phasers to stun alien bugs.

This was directed at Commander Tucker at T'Pol's request, due to something that happened on the first planet they visited, involving some sort of alien scorpion. Archer didn't care to ask more.

15. Care packages are nice to share.

On their periodic return to Earth, some crewmen receive huge gift basket type things from friends and family. Other crewmen get nothing. It's nice to be nice.

16. There will be no jokes about mothers.

Somehow, within the past month, it got to be where you couldn't walk in to the mess hall without hearing someone say "Your Mom". Apparently it was an old Earth insult from the early 21st century. It was no longer amusing.

17. No one is to accuse Commander Tucker if the Movies on played on Thursday nights suck. HE DOES NOT PICK THE MOVIES.

This was, of course, a big lie, but Archer knew that his best friend was receiving a lot of unkind words over picking "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." Apparently, most everyone prefers "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

18. No one is the Captain's favorite. Get over it.

There was a verbal war between the engineering and armory officers over which C.O. was the Archer's favorite. Dr. Phlox was not pleased when several of the engineering officers and one armory officer showed up at sickbay all at once with severe cuts and bruises.

19. It is not okay to rig anyone's communicator to play Christmas carols when it is activated.

Poor Crewman Cutler was the laughing stock of the crew for a solid week when one of her friends decided it would be funny to do this. It was rather disruptive.

20. No throwing popcorn at people at movie night.

Also highly distracting.

By lunchtime, everyone on board was discussing the guide. Archer was pleased.

Author's Note

I got this idea from another story on here. It is called "The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy", and it is by Daelena. I felt after publishing the first chapter that I should tell you guys. Also, I do not own Star Trek: Enterprise, and am in no way affiliated with it. I own the DVDs, and like to write stories based on it.

Thanks.

Also, the next chapter will be up soon. Thanks for the reviews!