~ Of flowers and red wine ~
Summary: A story about forgiveness, redemption and peonies. Dan and Blair.
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Fixing non-existent, imaginary wrinkles in her Marc Jacobs fitting burgundy dress; Blair Waldorf descended the stairs of her penthouse fully aware that all set of eyes would be fixated on her.
Slowly, but steadily, she strolled down the hall towards her fiancée, sharing fake smiles and a polite word here and there with familiar or strange faces. She couldn't care less for the attendees; they were mostly Chuck's associates after all whom she knew very little or not at all. Gradually, with grace, she had greeted the majority of the guests and she then proceeded to the bar in order to suit herself to a drink. If she was lucky, she could have two before a random person came to annoy her with their presence.
Taking a sip from her crimson Merlot and then some, Blair allowed her stare to wander over the rim of her glass to the chattering crowd and began scanning their smiling faces just to amuse herself with their figures. They really were a bunch of idiots; not unlike herself in some aspects, she thought scathingly with a casual shrug of her shoulders, barely containing the smirk that came immediately to her lips.
She rarely allowed herself to go there, but tonight, blame the meaningless party, her mood or even her glass of wine, she thought she needed to revisit that particular memory and toss it around in her head a bit.
If someone had asked her a year ago, she would have reasoned that her choice to pursue Chuck Bass -and leave Dan Humphrey - had been triggered by her heart's deepest desire, but now, a year later and some safe time ahead, she would allow herself to admit that no matter what her reasoning had been, the decision had been a wrong one and one she had regretted ever since.
The past year had been awful; a stubborn effort to support her decision, although it had been painfully clear to her, almost since the beginning, that whatever it was that she and Chuck shared, was basically physical and nowhere near good or solid enough to build a relationship upon it. The relationship she had in mind at least. Trying to prove to herself and everyone else that Chuck and her could work had been pointless and futile. Passion and good sex aside, all that was left behind was emptiness and self-disgust. Self-disgust because she would allow herself to succumb to Chuck's beck and call each time, putting aside her own life and sacrificing her self-respect.
Beside him she had become a spineless woman, the type she had always despised. She had become silent; cause she knew her and Chuck shared only one common interest and that was the power to influence things; a topic which didn't really need further discussion, especially due to the fact that Chuck wanted to keep a reign over her too and vice versa. She had lost herself in a way, not to mention her peers and friends. And her goals in life were thrown out of the window, what with helping Chuck overcome his family issues or even assisting him to the running of the Empire.
A man's woman, that was what she was those days and she hated the statement with every fiber of her being.
Sometimes she wondered how would her life be had she chosen to stay with Dan and try it out. She even wondered what it would be like if she at least still were friends with him, because she didn't even have that anymore these days.
At first she didn't dare think of Humphrey and especially to give a name to the emotions related, cause that would have made it seem too real. But now, after all this time, she knew it was futile to deny the fact that she had missed Dan Humphrey. So very much.
They way he would laugh at her when she offered a witty insult or the way his eyes softened when he sensed she had a problem, or hell just the special way he used to just look her and only her. An image of how hurt and angry those eyes were the last time she saw them flashed before her eyes and she sighed.
Swallowing the remaining of her drink, she ordered to the barman a new round of drinks and she let her eyes wander again to the crowd.
Thinking of him was not a smart thing to do when she was just barely managing to avoid depression.
Bulimia though was kinda back and she hated herself even more for that proof that her current state wasn't helping her health. She should have ended this; her relationship with Chuck, she should have. It was only a matter of official treatment that held her back and something vague that she couldn't quite put her finger on.
She wondered if that was love or some lingering romantic feelings that just wouldn't go away. But even if that was the case she knew they weren't solid based, they weren't towards who Chuck was but rather towards how she would like him to be. She knew now that Chuck was far from the prince she had thought she had found in him, very far from it. Sometimes she had the suspicion that she hated him because he reminded her of herself - a self which she had grown to despise these days.
She constantly reminded to herself that she was strong, stronger than depression when the walls started caving in. She really doubted that a new Dan Humphrey would come along to help her fix her life - herself - this time around though.
How very wrong she was indeed.
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a/n: LOL I'm not dead (if you wondered!) and this story has quite a few chapters ahead.. It might be a while before I update it though, because I would like to start working on my other, in-progress, Dair story again (All Roads Lead to Love). For those who read that, the next chapter should be up soon, I've already written most of it. Please review and let me know what you think for this story. Would you like to see more? Thanks for reading!
Victoria
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