Snumbridge (Snape + Umbridge = vomit)
I saw this as a pairing one day and puked a little in my mouth. Then I got to thinking that perhaps I should give it a try. Love conquers all, right? Well, we'll see.
"So…what has my little Sevvie pie been up to lately?" Umbridge asks with that sickly sweet voice of hers, batting her eyes with a hungry glint upon that toad-like expression—a glint that has nothing to do with food, but everything to do with pie; pie that is of the Sevvie variety.
"Dear Godric, woman! I told you to desist in calling me by that wretched name!"
"And why, my dear pet? What is so wrong with calling you Sevvie pie?" Umbridge licks her lips, tongue curling as if ready to snatch a fly right out from beneath Snape's oversized nose—approximately where his very own tongue happens to be, darting out to lick his ever thin lips in a manner only a little more subtle than that of the toad before him.
"It's degrading and…makes me…" Snape tugs at his collar, self-consciously, knowing full well the temperature of the diner has nothing to do with his discomfort. He looks around in the diner for a moment, paranoid old bat he is, and continues on, "It makes me…a bit…hungry…" Snape trails off and gains a gleam in his own eyes that has nothing to do whatsoever with food.
Not even pie could distract his intense passion for the creature before him, who giggles in a way that should never be used as a flirtation device, who tosses her hair, twirling a few of the rather short ends in an idiotic manner, sending waves of her (insert nasty smelling old lady perfume here) fragrance in her Sevvie Pie's direction.
Severus is no longer self-conscious about being seen by everyone (the waiter foolishly denied their request for a private room since they all had been taken, unaware of what dire consequences such a decision would bring about). No, he has eyes only for her—for him, they are not in a diner filled with people rapidly losing their appetites at their display of revoltingly sweet love. He sees not the stares of disbelief—they simply do not exist in his world. He only sees the eyes of his sweet, his heart's content and happily sung duet; the only one to have ever conquered the vinegar of his ever so sharp tongue (yet talented according to Umbridge), to have smoothed the edges around the chip on his shoulder with delicate hands (that Severus adamantly claims to be even more talented than his tongue), and every other disgusting cliché to have ever graced the pages of a two bit romance novel.
In other words: his Dolores. The thought of her name has him licking his lips seductively.
"And what exactly do you hunger for, my sweet?" Umbridge oozes with her disgusting voice, dripping with a nectar so sweet even honeybees feel their teeth rotting.
A man in the diner quickly stands up and rushes to the loo to expunge his stomach of what little he ate before Dolores and her Sevvie Pie were seated at the table next to him.
"You tell me, Dolores. How well can you deduce what it is your cunning Slytherin implies?" Snape says with a snarl that oozes not with vinegar, but desire. The possessive way he spoke does not go unnoticed, much to the diner owner's dismay.
"Oh, you never know with snakes, but I do believe that on occasions snakes are known to eat toads…when the hunger calls…satisfying their appetites…" Umbridge says breathlessly, leaning towards Snape, hungry gleam intensifying.
The people surrounding them don't know if they should be pleased they heard only clipped pieces of what Dolores said—her voice having been distinctly softer whenever she spoke her husky words—or to be mentally disturbed at the images implied with what tidbits they had, unfortunately, heard.
Mothers covered their children's ears—or at least, the few who had yet to do so did.
The restaurant cleared when Dolores started inching towards her Sevvie Pie (paying no heed to the table she was stretching over or the mashed potatoes in her bosom; not even caring when a button from her robes popped off. Button, oh button; please fasten up her bosom…).
Needless to say, the next time they went out, the interim waitress was ordered to seat them in a private room as the two love birds requested.
The End (and yes, I did vomit and bleach my mind after this)