Angels Weep Not
The night sky was full of stars but it was always relaxing to just look at them. There was something about the way stars looked up in the sky that just gave a certain perspective on things. It was also fun to play connect the dot games and draw pictures with them even when using the existing constellations. It was a measure of peace in a world full of chaos with the current situation of the Leviathans. It was one of the few places to go to and one that frequently becoming the choice of the night.
Castiel watched on as she continued to gaze at the sky. As always she looked remarkably calm and at peace with things. That made her beautiful; the most beautiful thing that ever existed and he had done terrible things to her. He had hurt her. He had betrayed her.
Castiel had been sent by Joshua to go to her. He had been given specific orders and that was to watch over her. He had been told that it superseded any other orders that he might have been given. He accepted and had gone, expecting her to be one of those that held respect for what she had been chosen for. Instead he found her, with an attitude that clearly said that she wasn't in the mood for games.
Castiel knew that she could have attacked him and possibly killed him but she didn't. She was annoyed at the fact that he had been sent to do what Gabriel had done before he disappeared. Still she accepted everything and even allowed him to mark her. Her attitude was something to be desired but he didn't blame her and she gave him her version of kindness and that left its mark.
As he was ordered to, he watched over her, often without her seeing him. Those were difficult times since he had to sneak out of the garrison to come down. One time he did get caught and Raphael gave him a singe that hurt and was serious. He had barely made it to her and instead of him doing what she needed, she took care of him and even sent up a rather nasty prayer to the angels. Little did he know that he was slowly falling under her spell and it hurt when she told him not to make anymore trips down only because she didn't want him hurt.
So Castiel stayed in the garrison and carried out his orders regarding the preparations. He did manage to check up on her and saw as she went through time helping those that needed it and protecting the humans. She was always alone. Even when she worked with people, it was never for long. She had made the choice to walk her path alone until she met the very people that were connected to the fate of the world.
Castiel was able to observe from his lookout in the garrison and saw the times she helped the boys until the time they actually met and introduced themselves. He understood that it was supposed to happen and not because it had been written but something else. He cursed the demons that nearly tore them apart but she persevered in that human way of hers.
He felt her pain when the younger brother died. Castiel knew that the others in the garrison felt it. They scrambled in fear. Even Uriel and Raphael were scared of what just happened. It was like a hole had been ripped through the world but an invisible one. Castiel had been the one to find out what could cause such a thing like that and what he found endeared her to him even more. It was unbecoming of an angel.
She bounced back and younger brother was alive but at the cost of the older brother's soul. When he died, he led the charge into the pit. He was the one that yanked Dean from the clutches of hell but the cost? The first seal had been broken and the time had come. He had orders and he followed them trying to get Dean to understand his role and even try to get her to start doing her part. He should have known better though.
Castiel had been re-educated during that time but she refused to give up on getting her Cas back. Just like she refused to believe that he was dead. Castiel sighed as he finished his thoughts over the past year or so. The last seal breaking, Lucifer rising, everything related to that which ended with her and Sam both going into the cage. Then the issue with Eve and purgatory…
Castiel looked over at her sitting on her car. She was gazing at the lights and the aurora borealis. He remembered that time and what it entailed. Like Dean once said in private, it wasn't fair but she didn't carry a grudge. She enjoyed the time she had with Sam in spite of everything and yet he took that from her when he made the wall come down. All in his foolish fight against Raphael.
And yet, after all that, even when the Leviathans started wreaking havoc, she never quit searching for him. He knew she was searching for him. He had heard her calling for him. He heard her but he couldn't bring himself to respond. How could he? He betrayed her trust by letting her believe she was helping him find an alternative means of defeating Raphael. He never got her directly involved in what he was doing but he still betrayed her and yet she never said that he did.
Castiel, Angel of Thursday and soldier of the Lord God… that was what he once was. Now he was just as bad as Lucifer. For all the things he had done… and yet she still called for him. Even when she wasn't trying she was still calling and the last few times were like cries of desperation. He didn't answer. She may have forgiven him, and she said so in one of her calls, but he couldn't got o her. He couldn't face all of them. His friends and… family.
Castiel looked at her sitting there. He wanted badly to go and see her but he couldn't. He finally understood what Gabriel meant when he said that it was complicated. She forgave them for everything they did but they couldn't forgive themselves. He couldn't forgive himself. That was why he couldn't go to her. He couldn't even go to her in this place, the realm of dream but he could watch. Pervert came to mind but it was superseded by longing to be close to what he once had but couldn't bring himself to do. He was pathetic.
It is said that angels weep when tragic and bad things in general happen. To Castiel, weeping was a poor word. Angels didn't weep. It was something different. Watching her sit and stargaze in this place of refuge, Castiel didn't weep. He mourned.
A/N: Just a look at how Castiel felt and a look into why he stays away from the very people that matter the most especially her.