A/N: So this will be my second actual fanfic story. My first is Sohma Love, so if you have a chance, check it out! This story will be more of a serious one, though.This story is rated M for darker themes and lemons in later chapters.I'm sure some people can guess what this story will involve based on the title of it. For those who can't guess it will involve self mutilation, also known as cutting ones self. This story will hold a dear place in my heart because I use to cut... I understand the feelings. I need a way to vent and express myself and share how I felt during the dark time that I cut. I decided Fruits Basket would be a good fanfic to do that in because I relate to Tohru in the fact that I worry about others rather than my self, and I am also a big fan of the anime and manga. I also wanted to created a story to help others understand those who cut... its not always the same for someone but this story will some what express how I felt... as well as be a fanfic for enjoyment for readers. Just a quick disclaimer:
IF YOU FEEL LIKE CUTTING PLEASE TELL SOMEONE RIGHT AWAY. I AM NOT ENCOURAGING THIS ACTIVITY AT ALL!
Also I do not own Fruits Basket, nor do I profit from it
The zodiacs are no longer cursed in this story by the way. I just didn't feel like dealing with it. Also, this is a Haru x Tohru story. If you do not like the shipping I wouldn't bother reading this. Please do not flame me for this story. I do welcome nice review though of any kind (meaning you can tell me I am a horrible writer as long as you do it in a nice way). I will be changing things up to fit the story. This may contain spoilers to both the anime and manga.Reader discretion is advised.
Strawberry Gashes
"Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
- Stephen King
Chapter One: Cheese and Crackers
It was the end of fall and the leaves from the trees around Shigure Sohma's house had blanketed the ground in a way that Tohru Honda admired. The weather was cool but not unbearably so. Fall break was just around the corner and finals were finally behind them. Life was perfect. On the outside at least.
Tohru laid in her soft pink bed, her hair sprawled out like a halo around her. She was so grateful for everything the Sohma's had done for her. She was so happy that their lives had gotten better since the curse. Sure it hadn't even been a full year since the curse was broken but she could tell that their lives were already getting better. Everyone seemed to be much happier; even Akito. Akito seemed to have been lifted of a very heavy burden, she wasn't sickly anymore either.
Everyone was happy. Everyone except Tohru. She was always able to muster up a smile for everyone she looked at; no matter what. Hidden behind the smile was pain. She was crying out for help but no one seemed to hear her. She cut away at her skin in the mists of the night, her red blood often staining her pink sheets. No one ever noticed though. All who saw her thought she was the happiest person in the world.
They should. I don't deserve anyone's sympathy... people around me die. My dad died. My mom died. I really don't want a Sohma to die. Maybe I should leave. I have caused everyone so many problems for the Sohma's already... they all work so hard to take care of me and defend me. They shouldn't have to! I don't deserve their kindness. I don't des-
Her thoughts were cut short with an abrupt knocking on her door.
Tohru was thankful that she had not been crying. She hated trying to hide her tears; it took so much energy and she didn't feel like she had it in her today to try and hide them. Tohru slid on her navy blue jacket so no one could see the cuts on her arms. She always wore long sleeves... even in the summer when it was much harder to come up with an excuse. At least now she could say that she was chilly.
Tohru opened her door with a cheery smile. Yuki stood there with his princely smile and Kyo stood there looking as annoyed as ever behind him.
"Tohru, we were wondering if you would like to go out with us. Momiji and Haru will be joining us as well. We thought it would be fun to go out before the weekend was over."
"Sure! Where are we going?" Tohru grinned.
"We'll just be going to the park for a little picnic if that's alright with you."
"Of course! I'll make us some food real quick to take with us." Cooking was one of the few things that Tohru truly found pleasure in. In cooking she could make others smile for a little bit – make their day just a little brighter. It helped her forget her own demons.
"Thank you." Yuki bowed, leaving.
"Yeah... thanks." Kyo grumbled as he left as well. His hair was rather messy so Tohru assumed that he had probably just woken up from a nap.
Or he doesn't like you anymore... Said a nagging voice in her brain. Tohru's arms began to itch. Tohru quietly shut her door and slid off her jacket. She reached under her mattress and pulled out the small safety pin she used to pierce her skin so many times before. Inwardly she laughed that it was called a safety pin because she doubted what she was doing with it was very safe.
She took the point of the safety pin and pressed it to her skin. With just a little bit of pressure the sharp tool broke her skin open, causing a bit of blood to come through the hole in her skin. Not releasing the pressure of the tool she began to drag it across the inside of her arm. Blood began to drip from her new cut but she didn't so much as whimper. She enjoyed the sting of the sharp tool in her skin and the pull of her skin as she dragged it across her wrist and arms. It was the only way she could feel anything anymore. Her body always felt numb. She no longer felt true happiness or excitement; she was now beyond sadness. The only way she could feel anything anymore was to have that release of metal piercing her skin and then watch the blood drip from her arm. Most would not be able to handle the pain of the blade but she revealed in it; her secret release. It was the only thing she could really control in her life anymore. She controlled how deep the blade went, how far it went, and how long it stayed. It gave her a sense of control as much as it did anything.
Tohru let herself bleed for a little bit.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
She let the blood run down her arm and onto the sheets where her pillow would lay when she moved it back. She was thankful that she was the one that did laundry. This ensured that there was no risk of anyone seeing her blood stained sheets. Even if they did she could always claim that it was "that time of the month" and that would shut everyone up. At one point she had hoped someone would notice... that someone would notice what she was doing. She wanted Kyo, Yuki, Shigure... someone to notice. To notice she was crying out for help. As time went on and no one even suspected a thing she gave up the hope that anyone would notice. They probably didn't care. If they hadn't noticed by now they never would, and she didn't want them to. She would feel selfish. She did not deserve any sympathy or pity from them.
She watched as the crimson colored liquid just kept dripping out as if it would never stop. Once she had become curious as to what it tasted like. She hated the metallic bitterness of the liquid... just as much as she hated herself. It was fitting she thought.
Tohru wiped the safety pin on her sheets to clean it of her blood and then slid it under her mattress. She used her other to apply pressure to her new cut and waited for the blood to stop oozing out of her. She had grown accustom to this routine. There were some days that she would cut herself so deep that the crimson fluid would cover her arm... and sometimes she thought about letting it pour out of her arm until there was no more left to spill. Something always stopped her though, she wasn't sure what though.
Once the bleeding of her wrist stopped she cleaned herself of all the blood. Her blood. Her filthy blood. Tohru was disgusted with herself. How could someone who did such things like this deserve any sort of happiness? Someone like her.
Tohru shook her head as she slid her jacket back on. She took one last look in the mirror to make herself look presentable. Her brown hair was nice and straight as it hung down to her mid back. She took a moment and adjusted the yellow ribbons that Yuki had given her. She was currently wearing a plain light gray shirt and lose fitting jeans. She zipped her jacket up half way and smoothed it out. She dressed much more casually now, she had grown tired of getting attention from males she did not know. She had grown to hate attention of any kind really. Attention meant risking having her dirty little secret revealed. Everyone didn't seem to find anything weird with her new dress style and she was glad. The more average she seemed the less attention she would get. She was wanting desperately to change her look anyways. She hated her short skirts and revealing outfits. She just wasn't sure what she should start wearing so she stuck to casual wear.
Tohru took a deep breath and looked at herself in the mirror once more. Her brown eyes appeared happy, carefully hiding her true emotions. She put a smile on her face to complete her look. Smiling had grown into a painful habit. She was always smiling. She hated it.
With one last deep breath she "happily" left her room and went to the kitchen. She began to go through the fridge to see what she should pack.
Hm... Momiji likes sweet things. Me and Yuki just brought in some strawberries. Those are sweet. I don't really have time to bake a cake for him. I hope he won't be upset. Hm... I'll make us all sandwiches too. I'll make plenty because those boys sure can eat. Let's see... Yuki likes leeks so I'll pack some of those too. We have some left over sushi that Kyo seemed to like so I'll pack that too. I'll put in an ice pack so they stay cold and don't go bad. Let's see... Haru. I don't really know what he likes. I'll some cheese and crackers as a light snack for him to go with the sandwiches. I hope that will be okay.
With her list of things she would need she grabbed a basket to put all the food in. She first made the sandwiches. She made sandwiches specifically for each of them. So that none of the sandwiches got confused with the others she carefully cut the sandwiches in the shape of their former zodiac animals so they would know who got what. She carefully wrapped them in some plastic and put them in the basket. Next she grabbed a bowl and lid and filled it with as many strawberries as it could fit for Momiji. She popped the lid on and carefully placed it beside the sandwiches. Next she packed the sushi, cheese, crackers. She made sure everything was placed in the perfect spot to prevent anything from squished as they walked.
Tohru really did like cooking. She loved making others happy. It was an easy escape, if only for a few moments. If things ever got to unbearable she could always start cooking and "accidentally" cut herself in the process. She did that a lot. Everyone just assumed she was a very clumsy person. If they only knew...
Tohru grabbed the basket of food and went into the living room to find Kyo and Yuki waiting for her.
"I hope I didn't take to long. I just wanted to make sure everyone got something they would like." Tohru said sweetly.
"Oh no, Tohru. We just got ready ourselves as a matter-of-fact." Yuki said with his princely smile. Tohru could understand why he had his own fan club, even if it was a bit creepy. He was a very attractive person.
Kyo grumbled something but Tohru couldn't really hear what he said. As if Yuki was thinking the same thing as she was he whacked the back of Kyo's head. Even with the curse gone they fought like cat and mouse.
Old habits die hard I guess Tohru laughed to herself.
"When you speak, make sure others can hear you." Yuki scolded.
"Shut up you stupid mouse! Maybe I didn't want to be heard! Kyo growled.
Despite how hostile the two seemed towards each other, they cared a lot for each other. Tohru knew that because she heard the creaking of them in bed together from time to time. She had heard their moans and occasional sweet words. She wasn't sure they wanted anyone to know though so she always kept her mouth shut about the subject, acting as clueless as ever.
"Will you stop acting like an idiot for once?" Yuki sighed.
"Me? You're the one making a big deal out of nothing!"
"You're the one shouting..."
"Um... please don't fight..." Tohru said meekly.
"I'm sorry Tohru. That was very rude of us. We should be going now anyways. I'm sure Haru and Momiji are waiting for us already." Yuki said with his usual soft, caring voice.
How can he sound so caring when he talks to me? Does he not see how much of a horrible person I am? Does he not see how unworthy I am of him? Tohru thought to herself.
"Yuki's right. Sorry, Tohru..." Kyo mumbled.
"It's alright, Kyo! I just don't want the food to go bad before we get to Momiji and Haru." She giggled a bit.
She hated laughing of any kind. It was a struggle. It was always a struggle. It always caused her to silently choke on her own tears that were always threatening to escape her eyes. She would not anyone to see her cry these tears. They were hers and hers alone. This was her burden. Not theirs.
"Right... lets go." Kyo said with a sigh.
Together the three slid on their shoes and began their journey on foot to the park. The two boys walked at either side of her as if they were trying to protect her. Why would they be doing that? Did it even matter? They couldn't protect her from herself so why should they protect her from anything else? Wasn't it kind of pointless; a waste to their energy and time?
Tohru never said anything though, not wanting to offend anyone; nor did she want to risk revealing her secret to them.
Sometimes she wanted to just curl up where she stood. She wanted to disappear and never be found by anyone. That would be so much easier, wouldn't it? Sometimes she didn't feel like living day to day... sometimes the struggle was just too much. No one ever seemed to notice though. They never saw her daily struggle to find the will to keep on living. That was okay though. She didn't deserve to have them notice. Wanting to be the center of attention would be selfish after all, wouldn't it?
The walk there was rather silent and uneventful and Tohru was thankful for that. She wasn't sure how much she could handle today. She felt like she was standing on the edge of a cliff and just the slightest nudge would send her falling face first into an ocean of water that she did not want to hit.
Once they arrived at the park Tohru looked around. Today the park was oddly empty but she saw that as a good thing in all honesty. She truly wasn't in the mood to deal with tons of screaming kids.
Lost in her train of thought she nearly fell over and dropped the food when Momiji nearly tackled her in a hug.
"Tohru!" Momiji said excitedly. "I've missed you!" The former bunny gushed.
Missed me? Why would you miss a freak like me? There's not much to miss. He's probably just trying to be nice. Momiji always was really sweet.
"Don't kill her, Momiji." Came the former ox's voice.
"Oh! Sorry, Tohru!" Momiji quickly unwrapped himself from her and grabbed the basket from her hands. "C'mon! Over here! Me and Haru brought a blanket because we knew you'd bring us food!" He said, jumping up and down.
At least I'm good for something. "Momiji... you might want to be careful. The food might move and get squished." Tohru said nervously.
Haru silently grabbed Momiji's arm, taking the basket of food from him. He then let the former rabbit go so he could keep bouncing.
Momiji was just two months older than Tohru, though he always looked younger than her. He looked younger than everyone. His blond hair was once cute and messy and his big brown eyes added to the cute factor. Now he was much older looking; more mature. His hair was still messy but in a more sexy, appealing way than a cute way. He had grown taller than Tohru who was at a sturdy five feet – but he was still shorter than all the other males. He no longer wore female clothing, instead he wore male clothing which fit his body nicely. He turned quite a few heads now – not that he hadn't before.
"Tohru! Do you wanna go play on the playground?!" Momiji gushed.
He looked much more mature, but he was still a kid at heart. Tohru found it rather sweet.
"Momiji, they just got here. She probably wants to sit down for a little bit." Haru said in a monotone. He didn't wait for an answer as he gently grabbed her Tohru's wrist and pulled her down on the blanket beside him.
Tohru felt her face turn a bright red at his touch. Without thinking, though, she quickly jerked her wrist away. It was like she was afraid that he find out her dirty little secret just by touching her. Haru always made her nervous. In her opinion, he was the most level headed of the Sohma's (Hatori of course was at the top of that list though), except when he went black. He was always very caring of others, though. He never asked for anything in return either. Tohru admired that about him. She also feared him. Every time he looked at her she was sure he saw through her ruse... that he could see what dark secrets she was hiding; it scared her.
Haru was a year older than her but younger than Yuki by a month and younger than Kyo by two months. He was the tallest of the boys though. His white and black hair was still long and fluffy, covering his grayish-brown eyes from time to time. He had a nice body on him as well. His muscles and "bad boy" appearance were enough to make any girl swoon. Only few were brave enough to actually approach him now, however. Ever since the incident in the class room most people steered clear of him. He and Rin never got back together, unfortunately either. They had settled their problems but neither wanted to be the relationship any longer – so they went their separate ways. Rin was now dating Kagura while Haru was still single.
Haru said nothing about her jerking a way from him. He didn't even look at her. He just closed his eyes and leaned back against the tree behind them. She thought she heard him mumble something decided not to pay it any mind.
Soon they were all sitting around the blanket.
"How as your weekend been Tohru?" Momiji asked, still as happy as can be.
"It's been really nice. How about yours, Momiji?" Tohru smiled, her face hurting slightly.
"It's been really fun! Me and Haru fed some of the fish at the main house! And we played some video games as well! It was super fun! You should come over next time! It could be a date!"
"Don't you ever shut up!?" Kyo growled at the hyper Sohma.
"Wah! Kyo's being mean to me!"
Yuki whacked the back of Kyo's head. "Be polite." He scolded.
Momiji snickered. "I know who wears the pants in this relationship."
"What did you say you annoying little pest?" Kyo snarled.
Momiji realized what he said and put a hand over his mouth. "Oops..."
Yuki's face had become bright red.
Haru opened his eyes. "You guys aren't the best at hiding your relationship... how long were you going to keep it a secret anyways?" He raised an eyebrow.
For once, both Kyo and Yuki were at a loss for words.
"All secrets come out eventually." Tohru could have sworn she saw Haru glance at her as he said that but she tried not to dwell on it.
"Just keep your mouths shut okay? I don't want listen to Shigure..." Kyo mumbled.
"Nor do I want to listen to my brother..." Yuki shivered at the thought.
"Your secret is safe with us! Right, Tohru?" Momiji smiled at her.
Tohru blinked. "H-huh? O-oh! Y-yes!" She quickly nodded in agreement.
"I'm not kidding you little midget. You better not say anything." Kyo growled.
"Let's eat." Haru said, changing the topic.
"Okay!" Tohru said, jumping slightly. She was always jumpy around Haru.
Tohru quickly began passing out the food. They all thanked her for the wonderful meal, tell her she didn't need to go to all the trouble to cut their food out into animal shapes for them. Of course, she said it was no problem at all.
Everyone ate. Everyone except Haru and Tohru. Tohru hadn't packed her any food and was too busy thinking to notice Haru not eating. Momiji had finished his food faster than Tohru thought possible and had already ran off to the playground. Kyo and Yuki ate slower but were lost in a conversation with one another. Tohru wasn't paying much attention so she couldn't tell if they were arguing or not. They weren't screaming and yelling so that was all that mattered. Haru had his eyes closed and was leaning against the tree behind them once more. Once Yuki and Kyo had finished their food, both with slightly dreamy eyes, excused themselves and disappeared.
Once they were gone Haru opened his eyes.
"Eat." He commanded, not even looking at Tohru.
She jumped, startled. "W-what? Oh! I'm not hungry! Really. You should eat yours before it goes bad though. Oh, wait... you probably don't like what I packed! I'm sorry! If you tell me what you like I can run back to Shigure's and get you something else! It's really no trouble. I'm sorry f-"
Crunch.
Haru had stuck a cracker with a piece of cheese on it in her mouth. Tohru's eyes grew wide, slightly startled by the act.
"I said eat." He said softly as she swallowed the cracker down.
The cracker and cheese went down her throat painfully. She hated eating. It always hurt... nothing she ate was satisfying to her and she always had a hard time getting it down. It was like the sobs she always chocked back were trying to force themselves up every time she ate.
"I like everything you packed for me... but you didn't pack yourself anything, Tohru. You're thin enough as it is... you need food just as much as I do." He spoke as if he was talking to a lost child.
Tohru gave a slow nod."A-alright." She sliced up the cheese and placed them on crackers for the both of them. Tohru ate a few, her body tensing with every bite. The more she ate the more he ate as well. She knew the game he was playing. If she stopped eating so would he. She suffered through swallowing every bite just so he wouldn't go hungry.
There was a silence between them that seemed to go on for hours. Normally Tohru enjoyed silence but for some reason this one seemed to be clawing at her insides.
Haru suddenly reached over and grabbed something. Tohru tried to lean over to see what it was but Haru already had it at her lips. He was holding a nice plump, red strawberry that Momiji hadn't eaten.
"Eat it." He whispered.
Tohru felt her face heat up. She nervously leaned forward and took the strawberry in her mouth, her lips brushing his fingers as she did. Even her ears were red now. She quickly forced the strawberry down and leaned against the tree, hiding her face from him.
They sat there in silence for a while again, it clawing at Tohru's insides once more.
"All secrets come out eventually." Haru whispered suddenly.
Tohru jumped once more. Almost instinctively she brought her wrists closer to herself.
Haru looked Tohru in the eyes. "I wasn't lying, Tohru. All secrets come out eventually. No matter how dark they are."
Tohru stayed silent, afraid of what she might say if she spoke. Her entire body was trembling. Did he know? Could he possibly know her dirty little secret? How could he though? They only ever saw each other at school and occasionally at the main house or Shigure's. They didn't spend enough time together for him to notice. If Kyo and Yuki didn't notice there was no way he could have. She lived with the cat and mouse and they were not the slightest bit aware of what she did to herself. It was impossible for Haru to know... right?
Haru grabbed her chin with his fingers. His lips were inches from hers, causing her body to tense up even more than it already was.
"People really do care about you, Tohru." He whispered, his lips brushing across hers.
Tohru swallowed nervously, her eyes wide with fear.
"Tohru!" Sang the former rabbits voice.
Haru pulled away just before Momiji appeared.
"Aren't you hot Tohru? It's been getting warmer all day! I'm worried you might have a heat stroke!"
Tohru's brain searched for a response but came up with none.
"She's fine, Momiji. She just wants to rest here for a little bit, alright?" Haru said, coming to her rescue.
Momiji frowned. "Are you okay Tohru? Are you sick? We could take you to Hatori!"
Her heart raced at having to see Hatori. If she saw him her secret would be discovered for sure.
"No. I'm alright, Momiji. Like Haru said, I just need a little rest is all." Tohru smiled at the worried boy.
"Alright..." he said hesitantly. "Let one of us know if you get sick." He said firmly.
"You'll be the first to know." She said with a tiny laugh.
"Yay!" Momiji clapped. "I'll be on the swings if you need me!" And with that he ran off.
"Thank you..." Tohru whispered.
Haru didn't reply. He simply studied her, lost in his own thoughts for a moment. Suddenly, he grabbed the arm that she had just recently cut. Tohru's entire body froze as she watched him. She felt like she was sitting on death row waiting for her turn. Haru met her eyes for a moment and then looked down at her arm as if he could see through the material of the jacket. His lips met her wrist and he began kissing up it, stopping right where her cuts did. He then kissed his way back down and let her arm drop when he was done.
His lips were like fire to her. It was both a good and bad fire. It felt good to have his lips on her – but now she was positive he knew her secret. Who else would he tell? Would he tell Hatori? That would surely get her sent to a loony bin. Then again... maybe that's what she deserved. She wasn't too sure right now. She couldn't think straight with Haru so close to her.
"Everyone is fighting a battle." He whispered, his lips against her ear.
A/N: That's chapter one! I am somewhat pleased with it but I feel like it was lacking something. Tell me what you think! Just leave a review and give me your opinion the chapter! Or you can give me a review about anything I guess. I can't control what you type! I'll respond back to everyone that reviews in the next chapter. It's up to you to review though. I would love some feed back on this story though. And if you have any suggestions on what I should do, feel free to tell me! I'm always looking for new ideas! I promise I don't bite! Oh, and sorry if the characters were a bit OOC... but then again this is just a fanfic so I guess its okay. I hope this chapter wasn't too boring though... or too short. Also, the cover photo for this story was a quick painting I did in my art class year. Don't make fun of me please! I thought it was somewhat fitting for this story. If anyone wants to make one feel free... I'm not really good at art...
I decided to fix a few things before I post the next chapters. I think I got rid of most of the errors... let me know if you see some I missed! Oh! And I got my cover photo fixed!