Note: This fan fiction will involve some terrible singing and some pretty embarrassed Akatsuki members and broke Kakuzus. Please be warned-and note that none of this happened in the manga. D
"Dammit!"
May cackled insanely as Hidan stared down the orange slip of paper he was holding in his hands. "Back again, are you? You bastard!"
Kakuzu sighed, and sipped some more orange juice as he heard Hidan swearing in the room next the kitchen. It was probably May, showing Hidan the dreaded orange slip of paper. "Well," he said, standing up and making sure his wallet was still there. "I better go and see what happened."
He got up from the kitchen table and trudged over to their room. He opened the door slowly, a sinking feeling in his stomach. He was right. There was Hidan, sitting up in bed, staring down a small sheet of paper. "You bastard." Hidan swore at the piece of paper.
Kakuzu couldn't help it, he sniggered loudly. He walked over to see what was going on. "What's going on?" He asked. Hidan glared up at Kakuzu, then back down again at the orange paper.
"What's going on?" Hidan mimicked in a high squealy voice. "Well, I'll tell you what's going on, you ----ing bastard! This is what's going on!"
He tossed a snickering Kakuzu the sheet of orange paper. Scanning it over, Kakuzu read:
AISG Talent Show!
Reach for the STARS!
Boys and girls, the AISG Talent Show is coming up on the 16th of October! All talented boys and girls-it's your turn to shine! In 'Reach for the Stars', the students of AISG will have a chance to show of their talents and shine like the stars!
All boys and girls who want to participate, please fill out the form below and have your parents sign it and return to your teacher by October 14th.
Name: Grade:
Parent Signature:
Kakuzu paled. "Where did you get /this/?" He said, tossing the paper back to Hidan, who snorted in disgust and let it fall to the ground. Hidan shrugged. "I don't know. May bust in at the crack of dawn and showed me it. Why don't you go ask her?" He swore loudly.
May grinned like a drunken Greed from FMA, showing off her mossy teeth, which stank as bad as Zaffy in the cold morn's light. "Well," she said, posing like Calamity Jane. "I was touring about and I found this and I reckoned some people here would like to participate.–hint hint-."
Kakuzu and Hidan stared blankly. "Who?"
May rolled her eyes until they rocketed out of their sockets and dangled nine meters off the ground. She reached up and reeled them slowly back in. Hidan and Kakuzu winced, a sinking feeling in their stomachs.
"I was thinking that you two would like to perform something." She smiled, eyes flashing triumphantly like a neon sign in the deep abyss-like night of downtown New York. Kakuzu conked out.
There was a long silence.
"WHAT?" Hidan said, recovering after a few moments. He leapt to his feet.
May smiled, obviously pleased with herself. "I was thinking that you two-"
Hidan snarled like a rabid beast, causing May to stop short in her tracks.
"Yes?" May simpered, resembling a fat toad highly. "Is there something wrong?" She cackled loudly like a lightning-struck bim until Pein came in to see what was licensed to grill.
"What is wrong with you people?" He said, sticking his head in. He then walked off with a newspaper, saying to himself, "Shut up. Just drink."
May cackled loudly, as if she had just done something that would've made Albert Einstein look like a retarded fool. "Now that that retarded fool is out of the way, we can get down to business." She folded her pudgy arms together, her rolls of fat smooshing against each other like a bunch of rubbery toppling pillars. "Well, I suppose that now that High School Musical 2-"
"What the ----?!"
"Yes, since High School Musical 2 has recently been released, I was thinking the two of you should perform a song to celebrate it."
"Oh, Jashin-sama! What has the world come to?" Hidan moaned and buried his face.
May coughed, but sounded a tad bit more like a loud farting noise. "Well, continuing on," she said, staring hard at Hidan. "Well, I had what I would call…a few song suggestions."
"What?" Pein snarled, slamming down his orange juice.
May smiled smugly. A large chunk of spinach was wedged between her two mossy front teeth. "Well, I just signed Hidan and Kakuzu up for the AISG Talent Show."
"Stop beating around the ----ing bush and get to the point," Pein said, knocking over his orange juice. He ignored the orange liquid dripping onto the floor. "What are they 'performing'? I know that Hidan won't sing anything that involves 'God is our King' or 'Lalala, pretty ponies everywhere, happy people pick flowers', and Kakuzu won't do it unless he gets some money afterwards."
Konan rolled her eyes and reached over the wet table for the soggy newspaper, not even bothering to clean up the mess. "Shut up. Just drink," she said. "Why do you care so much? They're just going to perform some form of stupid mess and get embarrassed. It's not like we're going to perform."
May's eyes flashed dangerously, a slow smile inching across her wide face.
"Why, BLUEY," she started. "I had no idea that you were so eager to perform." She cackled silently, hoping that Konan would freak out or something. "Why not sign the two of you up?"
Konan acted horrendously calm and rolled her eyes.
"Stop doing that," Pein said, aggravated. "Someday you'll do it to much and your eyes will get stuck up there and people will think you have some kind of sickness of something." He acted like a Chinese grandparent.
May snarled loudly, obviously being ignored.
"Look at your piercings. You think people don't think that you're the weird one?"
"Dammit, BLUEY, it's not like you don't have a piercing either!"
"Well, I have one, and you have nineteen crawling all over your face and arms."
Pein was silent; his face flushed a deep Uncle Vernon red-purple. Konan smiled smugly.
May grasped at the chance to jump in and make them feel stupid. "AS I WAS SAYING," she blared. "I was thinking the two of you would-"
"O GAWD NO HALP HALP!!!!" Konan screamed, out of the blue. She started fumbling with her bottom lip piercing. "NO DAMMIT!" She snarled. "HELP ME YOU FOOL!"
Pein sat there. He was now the one smiling smugly.
"Oh dear, look's like something's happened to good ol' Konan," he said, reaching for his glass, which just so happened to be empty.
"Oh, god, oh, god!" Konan squealed. She retched up a bunch of blood onto the kitchen table, filling up Pein's empty glass with blood.
"WHAT THE ---- ARE YOU DOING BLUEY?" Pein yelled, suddenly realizing that the liquid in his glass was not orange juice but Konan's blood. He dove at her. "I'm going to kill you!"
She ducked, and then ran out of the room, slamming against a tired Deidara, spattering blood as she went.
"What's going on?" Deidara said.
Pein snarled loudly and chased after Konan, slamming a bloody Deidara hard into the wall. "GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE -----!"
May, whom was sitting back in the kitchen, smiled. "Well, I'll take that as a yes," she said. She scrawled something down onto another sheet of orange paper. "Four down, a few left." She smiled smugly and then got up from the wet kitchen table to track down more unfortunate victims.
"Hey there, Sasori!" May cackled, saying it like in the song 'Hey there, Delilah'.
Sasori didn't reply, concentrated on readjusting his arm.
"You're so dumb, Sasori," May started her monologue. "Who, like, readjusts their arm? I mean, what the heck? Even though you're like, a puppet and all, that's like…just lame." She did a frightening preppy arm motion, which looked horrendous because she was so fat.
Sasori didn't reply. He started screwing in a finger.
Deidara bust in. "DANNA, DANNA!" He squealed, hopping over, covered in blood. He was carrying a large parcel which was wrapped up in fancy gift-wrapping paper. "Look what I got!"
Sasori didn't reply. He was screwing in his pinky finger.
"Ha-ha, Danna, you can't guess, can you?" Deidara smiled widely, obviously proud of himself. Sasori rolled his eyes.
"Well," said Deidara. "I'll tell you!" He ripped apart the wrapping paper, grinning widely as he saw a DDR machine. "Danna, look at this! I've always wanted a DDR machine!" He plopped it down on the floor and plugged it into the television.
Sasori tried his best to ignore the flashy pop music playing and tried (in vain) to keep screwing his fingers back in.
"Danna, Danna!" Deidara said, tapping his chin. "What song should I pick? I don't know any of them!"
"Randomly pick one!" snarled Sasori.
"But I can't!"
Sasori fumed and snatched the controls from Deidara. He swiveled it around and randomly chose a song. "There!" He said, annoyed.
To his misfortune, Sasori's least favorite song began playing; Here in Your Arms by Hellogoodbye. He frowned and kept screwing in his fingers, twitching every so often.
"Our lips can touch, our cheeks can brush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1one!" warbled the DDR machine and Deidara was doing a boring slow-paced dance to it.
Sasori twitched like a cockroach sprayed with Raid. "Switch…this…song."
"No," Deidara said, beaming and continuing the slow-paced dance.
"Why not?"
"Because Danna chose it and if he changes it he'll be hypocritical."
"Shut up…" Sasori snatched the controls and swiveled around randomly again. It just so happened to be…Umbrella by Rihanna ft. Jay-Z. THE REMIX.
Dei shuddered at Sasori's 'bad taste' in music. But he kept doing DDR, because he could tell Sasori was on the turning point of 'FRICK YOU, DEIDARA! FRICK YOU AND THE WORLD!"
"You can be my Cinderella, Ella, Ella, eh, eh, eh, under my umbrella, Ella, Ella, eh, eh, eh, eh!!!!!!!!1one!"
"STFU!" Sasori screamed at the DDR machine, which did not STFU but somehow sounded louder.
May smiled and shook her head. "Oh, well, I might as well leave." She marked them down as a 'yes' with a mossy smile and then left the room.
Right as May left, Konan ran in, then slammed the door shut and locked it. She leaned against the door, breathing deeply as if she had just ran some sort of Marathon in Hong Kong.
There was a faint 'WHERE DID YOU GO NOW, YOU LITTLE-' from the hallway, sounds of feet stomping and then another silence. Konan sighed in relief.
"So," she said. "What are you two doing?"
Sasori glared at Deidara and didn't reply.
"Oh, I'm doing DDR," said Deidara calmly, flashing a 'charming' smile at Sasori. "Sasori is screwing in his fingers."
Konan stared at them hard for a moment. "You two have sick music taste," she snorted loudly, listening to the multiple 'Ella's and 'Eh's.
She walked out of the room.
Deidara shrugged and went back to his over peppy DDR music. Sasori growled loudly as Umbrella ended and Girlfriend started up.
"You know, this song has been dubbed into almost every language in the world?" Deidara said, ignoring the brainless 'Hey, hey, you, you's.
"I hate you."