Maggie woke up after another nightmare about Beth. She hadn't gotten a full night's sleep in weeks. They were now within 50 miles of D.C. and everyone was exhausted. Still though night after night when she woke up, she'd see Daryl sitting somewhere nearby awake and scowling silently out at the darkness. She wondered if he ever slept or if like her he could only manage an hour or two before being awakened by memories and bad dreams. Most nights she just lay still against Glenn and hoped sleep would return.
Tonight she looked across the campsite to where Daryl sat propped against a tree trunk with his bow across his lap. She watched as he smoked a cigarette. The tip glowed a violent red in the dark. She gasped as he turned the cigarette in his hands and pushed the burning end against his arm. No emotion showed on his face as he carried out this torture against himself. He dropped the cigarette once the smoking stopped and then flicked the ash off his skin. The dead look in his eyes was still there as he settled back and resumed his sentinel position.
Everyone knew he was grieving after Beth was killed. They knew that he and Beth had grown close after the prison. Maggie assumed he had been a sort of big brother to her as they struggled to survive. As she watched him now, she realized that it was more than that. Daryl loved Beth. He'd lost someone he loved just as she had. She gently moved Glenn's arm from around her waist and eased away from him before standing and walking through the group of sleeping bodies gathered near the campfire.
She went and sat herself down next to Daryl. "Hey, I couldn't sleep," she told him.
He looked over at her and nodded once.
"I was dreamin' about Beth," she continued. "Why aren't you sleepin'?"
He shrugged and looked away.
"You need to get some rest," she instructed.
"'M fine," he grumbled.
They both sat silently for a while. There was a sort of comfortable understanding that sleep wasn't in the cards for either of them.
Maggie finally broke the silence. "Daryl, will you tell me about Beth? Tell me what happened after the prison?" she asked.
"Why you want to talk about that? It don't matter now," he said a little gruffly, never making eye contact with her.
"I knew her from the day she was born, everything that ever happened to her except for those last few weeks. I just want to know. It's important to me," she explained.
Daryl grunted once or twice and cleared his throat. He was uncomfortable. In an absent minded way, he pulled a knife from his belt and began poking at the ground in front of his feet. "What you wanna know?" he asked.
"How was she? I mean after what happened to Daddy, how did she handle it? Did she talk to you about it?" Maggie asked.
"Everthing happened so fast at the end. She run out of the cellblock lookin' for you just as I was leavin'. The walkers were everywhere along with the governor's people . We had to go. We lit out, kept runnin' for miles, tryin' to stay ahead of the herd. She didn' say much, didn' have time to say much of anything till later," Daryl told her.
"Where did you go? What happened to you?" Maggie questioned.
"Nowhere really. We just found spots out in the woods and rested when we could. Didn' have no supplies or nothin' so it was hard. She never complained though, not once," he said.
"And that's it, you were just runnin' around in the woods all that time?" Maggie continued.
"Nah. Beth….she wanted to look for y'all, the rest of the group from the prison. Said we couldn't be the only ones who made it. I thought she was bein' naïve, ya know. I didn' see no one else gettin' out o' there. After a day or so, she decided she was gonna find you on her own. I tried to trick her into circlin' back to our camp but she wasn't gonna be fooled. She was stubborn, your sister," Daryl said as he glanced over at Maggie.
Maggie smiled sadly, "Yeah, she was. Daddy always said the only person with a harder head than me was Beth." Her eyes had gotten wet as she spoke so she reached up and wiped away a tear.
"We found some, um, remains near the railroad tracks. No way to tell who it was. That was the first time she cried. It broke her heart," Daryl related. "It was a little later that she decided she wanted a drink, you know, liquor, and she headed off to find one come hell or high water."
Maggie sort of chuckled at that. "Beth never drank anything, not even wine. She was still such a kid in some ways," she said sadly.
"Well, I guess she decided it was time cause we ended up at some country club out in the boonies. She said golfers liked to booze it up so there should be some left behind," Daryl continued. "We found ….well, we found a lot of shit there, but the only booze was a half bottle of damn peach schnapps. I wasn' gon let that be her first drank, that sissy shit."
This was the first time she'd seen a spark of life in Daryl's eyes since before Atlanta. She wanted him to keep talking. "So what'd you do?"
"Took her to a place I found with Michonne, an old moonshiner's set up. Gave her a shot of white lightnin' for that first taste. Had to start her off right, ya know?" he said as he looked over at Maggie who nodded in response. "She, ah, she got a little tipsy, told me I should take a drink too."
"I would have liked to see that," Maggie commented. "My baby sister drinkin' with Daryl Dixon. I know that was a sight."
"Yeah, she was different after a couple o' drinks but not stupid or flirty or nothing like that. It was like the liquor made her calmer, more herself somehow. I made a ass of myself but not her. She kept it together," Daryl told her. His voice cracked a bit as he finished speaking so he quickly turned his head away. Maggie knew he was trying to pull himself together. She found herself tearing up again.
"Was she sad, Daryl? Or afraid? " Maggie asked.
"She was sad. She missed you and your Dad, everybody. I think she was scared but she didn't let it show. Mostly she just wanted to find you. I told her she wasn't gon see none of y'all again. It just didn' seem possible, but she never give up hope. She said there had to be others out there. She," he stopped and wiped at his face for a second before continuing, "she made me believe it. She made me have faith that there was still some good in the world." He stopped talking again and turned away from Maggie.
She reached over and placed a hand over his. "She was lucky that she had you, Daryl," Maggie told him. "You saved her. Thank you for that."
Daryl turned quickly back around, not even trying to hide the tears on his face anymore. "Nah, see that ain't it. I didn' save her. She saved me. Without her, I woulda give up. I don't know what woulda happened. She was tough even though she didn't know it. She wasn't afraid of livin' even in this shit world. She saved me and then I let her get taken. I didn' protect her. She'd still be here if I hadna been so stupid, so careless."
Maggie realized then why he was punishing himself. "Daryl, I know you did the best you could for her. You always do. If anyone could have kept her safe, it would've been you. You can't blame yourself. Beth wouldn't want that. "
"Why did she do that in the hospital? Why did she…I mean we had her. We had her back. I didn' see it comin'. What was she thinkin'?" Daryl asked, his voice cracking with unshed tears.
"Noah told me Dawn was a bully. He said that Beth fought back. She was the only one who stood up to Dawn. Whatever happened between them, Beth must've thought she was protectin' Noah and the others. Nothin' else makes sense," Maggie told him.
"Yeah, she'd do that. I just can't stop thinkin' that I should've seen it, noticed somethin' about the way she was actin'…" Daryl began.
"No. Stop it. You're not a mind reader, Daryl. She was bein' headstrong and from what I hear, foolish. She could have gotten all of y'all killed. What happened up there was her fault. I hate to say it because I know she didn't mean…..she didn't mean to leave us," Maggie said through a sob. "But you didn't fail her. You did all you could."
Daryl pulled the knife and sheath off his belt and held it out to Maggie. "This was Beth's knife. Carol had it and gave it to me," he told her.
Maggie closed her hand over the knife in his palm. "You keep it. I think she'd want you to have it. I have my memories of Beth. I just wish I could have seen her one more time. I wish I could have told her how proud of her I am."
Daryl clasped onto her hand. "She knew," he told her.
"I want you to promise me something," Maggie told him as they released hands and Daryl placed the knife sheath back on his belt. "I want you to promise that you won't hurt yourself anymore. You don't deserve that."
Daryl's face flared red and he looked away again.
"No, I mean it, Daryl. Promise me," Maggie said.
"Mkay, I promise," he finally mumbled with his head ducked down and eyes on the ground.
"I think….I know Beth cared about you, Daryl Dixon and you cared for her. We both lost somethin' back there. I don't know how to get over it, maybe we won't, but we can help each other. It's all we got now," she said sadly.
He looked at her and nodded once. She smiled and then stood up and made her way back to where her husband was sleeping. As she lay back down against him, she glanced over to where Daryl was. He had wrapped his pack into a ball to use for a pillow as he lay down on the ground under the tree. For the first time since they left Atlanta, she saw Daryl close his eyes. Maggie smiled and pulled Glenn's arm close around her waist once more.
The sun would be up in a few hours and another new day would begin. Maggie lay still as memories flitted through her mind. Beth was gone. Her daddy was gone. She looked over at Sasha. Tyrese was gone now too. They'd lost so many. She thought back to all the graves they'd left scattered in their wake and knew that there would probably be more to come. The only thing they had going for them was the bond they shared and their will to survive, but that was enough at least for now. You had to make it through the bad part in order to see things get better and they could make it, together.