MY MOTHER'S ASHES
Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold. The feeling of happiness dwells in the soul. (Socrates)
Do you remember the last time you've been happy? Do you know whether it was a Tuesday or Thursday? Was it raining? Snowing or just a cool summer night? Did something special happen on this day?
You can't. You simply can't remember a damn thing…And why not?...Because you didn't know that you were happy. The last time you were happy is so far away that you remember nothing about it. In retrospective it kinda sucks that you don't know nothing about it, doesn't it?
How can you be happy again when you don't remember what makes you happy at all? When all you can think about is hatred, but not the kind of hatred which can make a woman strong…When the only feeling you have is despair…You haven't slept peacefully for quite some time. There is always something waking you up, eating at you, making it impossible to go back to sleep. This nagging feeling that you have forgotten something and on the other hand can't forget it. Never…
You try everything you can think of to get rid of it, but guess what – nothing is working. You move a lot because you can't bear to stand still. Standing still means time to think…But no matter how far you run, how loud you cry, nothing is changing. And finally you end exactly where you have started. The irony is not lost on you and you dwell on the fact that the soul is shell-shocked when it sees you. At least the cosmic joke you are living is not only meant for you. Suffering is a good look for him. It always was…
After the shock has worn off and everyone is running around like chicken without heads, trying to help you and make you feel comfortable you have to live with the fact that you feel thankful. To tell you the truth this feeling sucks. It shouldn't be felt by anyone… ever…since it makes you vulnerable and inclined to…well, for once not kill them all.
They spin theories about it – the baby. Whenever you think about it you try to think of it as a stranger inhabiting your body. You share the body, but that's it. No connection whatsoever on any emotional level cause well you're evil for once. Still no matter how hard you try to deny the fact, in the back of your mind you know that it is a part of you. Of you and of him. And somehow this is what makes it special. It is also a part of him. The one person you always felt close to. The one guy you might have truly…Doesn't matter. In the end he is the one responsible for your condition. If it wasn't for him and his filthy soul you wouldn't have to waddle instead of simply walking. If it wasn't for him you could just wait till this alien comes out of your body and have a little snack or as dear William had called it so new-fashioned a 'Happy Meal on Legs'. If it wasn't for him it wouldn't have a soul. A soul that you have to share. Which makes you suffer, makes you all hormonal and tearful…Boy, this sucks!
So you let them research till they come to the conclusion that something mystical must have happened. Well, duh! You don't need books to know that this isn't an every day occurrence. You don't have to live for four centuries to figure that one out… Suddenly you are in the spotlight. Everybody wants it, wants to worship or kill it. And then happens the unthinkable. You want to protect it. There you've been for nine long months waiting to get rid of it and all of a sudden the thought alone that someone wants to hurt…the baby…makes your motherly instincts go feral. And let me tell you once they have kicked in there is no way back.
You are getting weaker by the day. You feel drained and you know that you can't hold on to life much longer. The contractions are nearly ripping you apart, leaving you unable to think. You are entrapped in this world of pain…panicked since you can feel that something is wrong. It starts raining and soon you are soaked from head to toe but this rain also brings you a moment of clarity. It opens your eyes to the simple fact that you want the baby to live and you know with absolute certainty now what is wrong. You are…! You and your baby share something unique – you share a soul, but as soon as the baby is born you are back to normal, meaning soulless and your baby deserves better. To think that you suddenly would hate your baby again and probably would try to kill it…The thought alone makes you nauseous and at this moment you realize it. All becomes very clear to you. You know what to do…
One last time you look him in the eyes, make sure that he understands what a precious gift you are giving to him. The one thing he never thought to be possible, never dared to think that he would have. You want him to know that you want to share his path of redemption but you are aware of the fact that there can't be any…not for you. The only good thing you have ever done in your pitiful life is this. Make sure that he will know it.
Still in the end you are not really sure why you do it. There is no simple explanation. You don't care that there is no redemption for anything you have ever done. You don't deserve to feel this. You simply do not deserve one moment of this pure feeling… You take the splinter and without a moments hesitation aim for the heart. Aiming for the heart was something you always did best. …
A split second before you crumble to dust you have a smile on your face.
It's a funny thing these human emotions.
If someone would ask you now: Do you remember the last time you've been happy? You could answer without hesitation: I remember the last time I've been happy. It was raining…