Author's Note: So I wrote this last year after the season 1 finale, but I never got around to posting it. It's pretty dated now, but I figured I'd might as well post it since I wrote it.
I am not necessarily an Olicity shipper (although in life, I am staunchly in favor of the somewhat bookish girl ending up with the superbly-ripped hot boy), but that scene in the elevator shaft during episode 22 was clearly written by the show as a challenge to Olicity fanfic writers everywhere. "I'd imagined you saying that under different circumstances"?!
Dude, those circumstances practically beg to be clarified. I simply could not let that title pass without taking a crack at it. I've steered away from Felicity in my past stories because I doubted my ability to do her character justice. She's just so smart and awkward and quirky and awesome on the show, and much of that genius is in the actor's portrayal, so I'm not sure it will come across on the page as spectacularly. None-the-less, I'm giving it a go because I simply can not resist the title.
This story takes place after Oliver heads off to visit Laurel at the end of episode 22 but before he actually arrives at her door and makes his grand confession. In fact, for my purposes, there is no grand confession at this time.
Standard disclaimers apply - I don't own the show, which I am super-sad about :-( If I did own Arrow, Stephen Amell would be contractually obligated to do yard work around my house whilst wearing the vigilante outfit. Alas, life is full of disappointments.
Different Circumstances
Felicity drummed her fingers impatiently across the desktop, sighing in irritation as the computers in front of her processed the crucial data at a seemingly glacial pace. Logically, Felicity knew that the program she had created was sifting through Merlyn Global's mainframe data as quickly and efficiently as inhumanly possible, looking for clues to the location of the seismic device. Unfortunately, the knowledge of her rational mind did nothing to quell the anxiety of her non-logical side, or to speed the perceived passage of time.
Lowering her head to the desk, Felicity pounded it gently several times in rapid succession against the smooth surface. She was not generally the sort to let her emotions run the show. She had always been the type who enjoyed intellectual pursuits; preferring the solving of a puzzle or re-wiring of the microwave to riding bicycles or playing sports with the other children. Now, in a strange juxtaposition, Felicity found herself wishing she were the kind of person who relieved tension through physical means. In moments like these, intellectual satisfaction seemed light-years away and physical gratification so much more immediate.
A thousand times in the past few months she had watched Oliver or Diggle as they pounded on the heavy bag, climbed the salmon ladder, ir simply sparred with each other, releasing their anxiety, passing the time, exorcizing their numerous demons. At this very moment, Felicity found herself regretting that she had never taken Diggle up on his offer to teach her martial arts. It might feel good to hit something right now, if only she knew how to do it without injuring her typing fingers.
Felicity stood, stretching her arms over her head as she rolled the chair backward with her legs. She was all alone in the arrow lair and it was the middle of the night. Oliver had gone "out" which probably meant he was perched on Laurel's fire escape, brooding over his long-lost love (who probably wasn't really so lost to him in Felicity's estimation) but Oliver had never asked her opinion on the subject, so Felicity kept her speculations to herself. And Diggle had gone home to grab a few hours of sleep in case Oliver needed back-up once they found Malcolm and/or the earthquake device.
This left Felicity by herself in the basement of the club, monitoring the painfully slow progress of the algorithm she had created in order to search Merlyn's Global's database for possible deployment locations in The Glades, and trying desperately not to think about what would happen if she failed in her task. If she wasn't good enough, if she wasn't fast enough, thousands of people would die.
She truly didn't know how Oliver managed to do this every day - - make life and death decisions, live with the consequences afterward. That ability was what separated him from people like her, she supposed, walking over to the heavy bag and giving it a half-hearted punch as she passed, the bag stubbornly refusing to move, taunting her with her own weakness.
"Figures" she mumbled to herself, massaging her ineffectual knuckle gently as she walked over to the trunk where Oliver kept his bow. Absent-mindedly she let her fingers dance across the surface of the weapon as she contemplated the man himself. Oliver Queen had always intrigued her. From the moment he'd first brought her a bullet-riddled laptop, her curiosity was piqued. After all, Felicity liked to solve puzzles.
When she'd discovered Oliver's secret, she had been scared to death, this was a puzzle she hadn't wanted any part of. Felicity had tried her best to play it cool and put on a brave front, but she had never imagined that she would continue to like Oliver once she realized he was a cold-blooded killer.
In the beginning, she had wondered what sort of person it made her to be complicit in such a thing. But as time passed, she had come to understand that Diggle was right - helping Oliver made her feel like a good person. It gave her a feeling of satisfaction, as if she was accomplishing something meaningful; after all, she was helping him save lives. And then of course, as she slowly got to know him she had realized that nothing about Oliver Queen was cold-blooded, even if he was a killer.
Oliver carried more guilt, felt more deeply, than anyone Felicity had ever known before. The difference was, he didn't let his own emotions limit him from doing what he knew to be right. The Hood did what needed to be done for the greater good of the city, and Oliver paid for it by living with the consequences. And he paid a lot.
Felicity sighed again audibly as she stared at the arrows in their quiver, their steely points reflecting the overhead light and bouncing it off in various directions throughout the darkness. She wished sometimes that Oliver would let her and Diggle shoulder more of the burden for him, that he would share more of his demons with them. She and Diggle knew the truth, knew who Oliver Queen truly was, and yet he still wouldn't let them inside.
Then again, the cautious, analytical part of Felicity wondered if she could actually handle Oliver Queen's demons, or if knowing more than she knew now would only make her heart break for him even worse than it already did.
Suddenly, a throat cleared behind her, causing Felicity to gasp in surprise and spin quickly. As she turned, she found Oliver standing beside her desk with hands in his pockets, looking at her with his practiced patient-face, one he used with her a lot, she realized.
It seemed to her as if he had been waiting for her to notice his presence, and had finally given up on her ever doing so, so he had cleared his throat to gather her attention."What are you doing here?" She squeaked in surprise, her brow furrowing in confusion "I mean, I thought you were going to see Laurel."
Oliver didn't say anything at first, simply arching his eyebrow in response to her assumption as to his whereabouts, so Felicity continued to babble as was her custom.
"I mean, not that it's any of my business where you go" she hurried to explain, knowing Oliver was not a huge sharer of his personal life "I just thought that maybe you were thinking about a possible end to this whole Hood thing, and maybe you would want to tell Laurel the truth finally" she explained, ringing her fingers together nervously as she so often did "I mean, not that there's any hurry" she continued talking more quickly as she dug herself deeper "Except that if the whole town gets swallowed by a man-made earthquake tomorrow, you might wish you'd spent your last night on earth with Laurel instead of in your secret underground lair all alone." she paused, taking a breath "Not that you're going to die" she rushed to finish "Or that anyone is going to die, I mean" she concluded, slamming her mouth shut abruptly and resisting the urge to insert her foot any farther.
Oliver regarded her with his customary poker-face, waiting patiently for her rambling to stop without interrupting as he usually did. Why did he always let her go on like that? she wondered
When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet but steady, and much to her surprise, Oliver was actually answering the question she had asked him "It's too soon for that" he explained, shaking his head "there was a moment earlier, where I let myself imagine a life without The Hood" he continued "But I found myself standing outside of Laurel's door, and I realized it was premature"
Felicity stood there dumb-founded. For once, the urge to fill the silence with excess verbiage completely forsaking her. Oliver had just shared more with her in three seconds than he had in the previous three months that they'd been working together, and she didn't want to push her luck, so she said nothing.
Oliver had spent the past hour walking around Starling City, contemplating the darkness that seemed to assemble within it's limits. The fact of the matter was, Malcolm Merlyn's plot to destroy The Glades wasn't the only disease in town, it was one of many. He would stop this undertaking, and other nefarious plots would follow. It was too soon to hope for a future without the vigilante, too soon to imagine that he had atoned for his numerous sins. He would be following this path a while longer.
Which then made him start to think about the unlikely pair he had helping him in his crusade. Diggle had been a soldier, he was already a righter of wrongs. Felicity, she was something else entirely. Oliver knew that he spent much of his time now surrounded by the worst and blackest of humanity, Felicity was a breath of light, a much-needed reminder of what exactly it was that he was trying to save. She was sweet and innocent, but smart and funny, and the way her mind worked was truly remarkable. She made him feel glad at moments when he truly needed it. And she had become an essential part of the team, her computer skills proving invaluable as even now she worked to locate the seismic device so he could dismantle it.
She also helped him not to be so serious all the time, she made him laugh, she made him joke, she had somehow become his moral compass, and it turned out that he desperately needed her. But a large part of Oliver was forced to admit that he was scared for Felicity, afraid of what helping him would ultimately cost her. Maybe it wouldn't be her life, maybe it would only her innocence in the end, but how could he continue to ask that of her, of anyone really?
It was this thought that had led him back to Verdant in the wee hours of the morning. He could have gone home and seen his family, could have stayed outside Laurel's apartment. But instead, Oliver found that he wanted to see Felicity right now, more than anyone else and he wasn't entirely sure why.
"Felicity, why are you still here?" he asked, breaking the silence after several moments.
Relieved to have something keep her over-active brain occupied, Felicity walked over to the desk, sitting in her chair and swiveling to check the progress of her algorithm on the monitor. "There's probably at least another couple hours before I have all the mainframe data sorted out" she explained, noting that her program had only scanned1/3 of the mainframe so far "Someone has to be here to interpret the results when it's finished"
Oliver watched her nose crinkle in annoyance at something she saw on her screen. Then Felicity slid to her right, typing a few keystrokes into a second keyboard, making minor adjustments to a secondary processor, before sliding back to the first, a small look of triumph on her face as she re-adjusted her glasses on the bridge of her nose. It wasn't the first time Oliver found himself noticing how absolutely adorable she was. She was also not paying the slightest bit of attention to him at the moment, her mind lost in calculations and adjustments of the machinery in front of her.
"That's not what I meant" Oliver said softly, trying to draw her focus by walking over and sitting on the desk in front of her, right beside her beloved network "We found Walter, we rescued him. I want to know why you are still here, in this fight with me and Diggle?"
Felicity blinked, initially caught off guard by the question. Oliver had never inquired before, about anything really. She had become accustomed to him simply knowing everything about everyone and their various motivations. Oliver knew that she liked her fountain drinks with only a little ice, her pizza with mushrooms & extra cheese, and her coffee with Splenda not sugar. He watched, he observed, he'd figured it all out without a word from her, and he had never been wrong.
Felicity moved her eyes upward, meeting his gaze where he sat upon the desk, looking down at her, studying her face. She wondered in the moment it took her brain to process his question, if he honestly didn't know the answer. She also briefly considered giving him a facetious reply (I'm working on my vigilante merit badge or something of the like), but something in his face stopped her. Oliver had been through so much in the last couple days; learning the truth about his mother, the truth about Tommy's father, dealing with the distance between Tommy and himself, he was asking her for something real to hold onto he didn't need jokes or avoidance.
"I'm here because I believe in this" she answered truthfully, her eyes never leaving his face "I believe in you, Oliver"
Oliver swallowed, her words exactly what he had needed to hear more than anything in the world at this moment.
"Thank you" he whispered, his voice soft "I know I haven't said that enough"
"It's okay" she responded, smiling and nodding in a gesture of understanding.
Oliver thought back to the night Felicity had saved his life after his mother had shot him. Diggle had wondered how they would keep her safe, and Oliver had been so certain that they could. Of course, he had also sworn that his mother was an innocent victim, so he was currently having his doubts about any vow he'd made during that time.
"It's not okay, not really" Oliver argued softly, shaking his head "I've made a lot of mistakes since I came back to town" he explained, shaking his head "But getting you involved in this danger is potentially the worst"
"That was an accident Oliver, not a conscious choice, you were bleeding to death at the time" Felicity asserted quickly, feeling the need to defend him to him "besides, where would you be right now without my technical-saavy? she asked rhetorically, answering without pausing for a breath "Up a creek without a paddle, that's where!"
Oliver was understandably questioning his own judgment right now, given what he'd found out about his mother, but Felicity was determined not to let him use her as another excuse to beat himself up, lord know he didn't need any more reasons than he already had.
"I'm a smart girl Oliver. I knew what I was getting into, and I don't have any regrets" she promised, stranding up and squeezing his hand where it rested on his leg "I know I can leave anytime it becomes too much"
Oliver was grateful for her gesture of comfort, the warmth of her support making him feel lighter somehow as the darkness inside and outside his own head threatened to get the better of him. Oliver squeezed the hand she had offered in friendship, twisting his fingers to intertwine them with hers, not ready to let her go just yet. Felicity was the smartest person he knew, if she thought everything would work out, maybe it actually would.
Felicity felt a current of electricity shooting through her fingertips as her skin touched his, the nervous energy rolling off his body in waves. Oliver was gearing up for the fight that was soon to come. That anxiety, coupled with the conflict raging inside of him on a near-constant basis was combining tonight into one heck of a powerful cases of jitters. As he held to her hand, wrapping her fingers in his own, Felicity realized that she had never seen Oliver Queen seem so vulnerable before. Suddenly, she was struck with an almost overwhelming urge to kiss him and make it all better (at least for a little while).
Felicity genuinely liked Oliver, he was a good man, and she was certainly attracted to him physically, but she also knew better than to fall in love with him, he was the very definition of unattainable. If she was honest, Felicity could admit that his love for Laurel was one of Oliver's most appealing features - it made her believe in real-life fairytales. And someday, Felicity was going to meet a man who looked at her the way that Oliver looked at Laurel.
Until that day however, a full-time day job at Queen Consolidated, and a pretty much full-time night job at vigilantes-r-us, didn't leave her a lot of time for a social life. As the warmth from Oliver's hand radiated outward, spreading up the length of her arm, Felicity remembered how nervous and restless she had been earlier, barely able to sit still as she waited for the computer to finish running her program, the status bar seeming to move imperceptibly with each passing minute. Suddenly, Felicity realized the solution was right in front of her. Actually, the solution was holding her hand right now. It all sounded perfectly logical in her head, and then suddenly she was blurting her solution out loud without completely thinking the best way to phrase her argument.
"We should have sex" she stated as matter-of-factly as if she had just asked Oliver to order her a new computer monitor.
Then, realizing she hadn't articulated her complete thought-process aloud, she rushed to explain "I mean, I know you're in love with Laurel and all, and someday the two of you are going to live happily ever after and have really genetically-blessed children" she began "But until then, has it ever occurred to you that maybe you should just stop trying to have a normal life?" she continued "because, every time you do, it ends in a complete disaster" she explained hurriedly "and here you are all lost and out of sorts because nobody in your life is who you thought they were, and you're probably going to have to kill your best friend's dad soon, and I've been pacing the floors all night with this restlessness I just can't shake, and you know, maybe we could just blow off a little steam together?" she finished somewhat lamely, twisting her hand out of his grasp and wringing it nervously with her other one as she moved several paces away.
Oliver stared at her quietly, saying nothing as she finished her ramble.
"Son of a biscuit!" she cursed, banging her palm against her own forehead "Why don't you ever stop me when I do that? she asked in frustration
"When you do what?" Oliver asked mildly, his eyebrows quirked
"Oh you know, say something stupid" she explained "Run off at the mouth, proposition my boss, um . . . crime-fighting partner, uh . . ."
"Friend?" he supplied helpfully
Felicity's eyes had been flitting around the room nervously, but his word choice stopped her, causing her gaze to snap up and meet his.
Oliver walked over and rested both his hands on her shoulders gently, looking into her eyes. "I don't stop you because I don't want to" he explained "Felicity, you are honest. You say what you think whether I want to hear it or not. You don't lie to spare my feelings, and you don't pretend to be someone you aren't. I always know where I stand with you" he continued "and that is so rare and so special in my life right now, that I don't want for you to stop"
For the second time tonight, Oliver had spoken more than two meaningful sentences to her and Felicity was left speech-less. She gulped nervously, looking into Oliver's eyes as he held her steady. No one in her life had ever given Felicity a satisfactory answer to that query before, and she truly didn't know how to process his response. He was the first man she'd ever known who made her personality quirk sound like a blessing rather than a curse.
Her question answered, Oliver released her shoulders, stepping backward and returning to the desk, where he perched casually, waiting for her over-active brain to process his words. As he watched her thoughts whirling a mile a minute, his mind drifted to her earlier words.
"Do you really think Laurel and I will end up together?" he asked suddenly, needing some of Felicity's optimism right now.
"Of course" she answered immediately "I know you will"
"What makes you so certain?" he asked, holding his breath as he awaited her reply.
Felicity looked over at him, seeing the gravity in the question. Walking in his direction, she stood directly in front of him, their eyes practically level as he leaned against the desk. "Because she loves you" she answered certainly and without hesitation "You betrayed her and she never stopped loving you. You were dead for five years, and she never stopped loving you. You've been the king of mixed messages since you got back, and she. still. loves you" Felicity said slowly, emphasizing her words carefully "It's fate" she finished simply.
"I'm glad you're a part of the team" Oliver confessed, smiling softly as he finally understood just how important Felicity had become in his life "You still believe in happy endings, it's refreshing"
"Don't forget" Felicity reminded, something about the way he had answered her query earlier, giving her the courage to be bold "I'm rarely wrong" she whispered, taking a step forward and closing the distance between them as she pressed her lips softly to his.
Felicity's lip were soft and sweet, just like she was, as they danced softly across his own, a tender expression of their growing closeness. Oliver's hand came up to her arm, squeezing it gently and pushing her backward just a tad, breaking the contact so he could look into her eyes.
"Do you really think this is a good idea?" He asked, hesitating. She was offering him something he really wanted, no needed, but he couldn't bare the thought of hurting her.
"I think it would do you some good to spend more time with one of the only two people in this world you don't have to lie to" she answered quietly
"And you're completely okay with being used?" he challenged
"I was imagining that this would be a mutually beneficial arrangement" Felicity responded, letting her hand trail up his chest, her fingertips finally coming to rest on one of his buttons, playing with it somewhat nervously "I like you" she whispered "I'm attracted to you" she confessed "I trust you." she went on, her fingers continuing to fidget "does it have to be more complicated than that?"
Oliver thought for long moments, her words dancing around in his head. Felicity made him feel good, she made him feel light. Diggle had often said her presence had a positive effect on him. He wanted to let himself fall into her, surround himself with her peculiar brand of wonderful, forget about the evil and the danger, but how could he let himself when it had the potential to hurt her, when he had the potential to hurt her?
"My feelings for Laurel . . ." he started to protest
Felicity lifted her fingers from his lapel and placed them gently overtop his lips "I promise I won't get hurt" she said firmly, removing her fingers and replacing them with her mouth only a second later.
This time Oliver responded in kind, massaging his lips across hers as they pressed their sweetness to his flesh. After several moments, Oliver took control, running his hand up into Felicity's hair, changing the angle so that he could sweep his tongue inside her mouth.
Felicity moaned softly, wrapping her arms around his neck as she shifted closer to Oliver, her body pressing to his as her heartbeat thundered inside of her chest. Long ago, before she'd even known him, she had secretly wondered what it would be like to be ravished by billionaire playboy Oliver Queen. But those fantasies had stopped once she'd gotten to know him on a personal level so that she could no longer justify objectifing him. Once they'd become friends, she hadn't really thought about him at all that way, which was really irrelevant at this moment as Oliver was surpassing any expectations she did or didn't have.
"You really are quite remarkable" he murmured, mirroring a previous conversation as he broke their kiss briefly, his fingers caressing her cheek gently.
"Thank you for remarking on it" she whispered breathlessly, smiling at the shared memory.
Oliver kissed her again, first on the lips, and then his mouth traveled across her jawline, placing feather-soft kisses across her chin, moving down her neck, nibbling at the sensitive flesh beneath her ear.
Felicity let her head fall backward bonelessly, giving him further access as she enjoyed the sensation as Oliver's skillful ministrations confirmed his intention to make this a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Oliver bit down gently at the juncture of her neck and her shoulder, feeling her pulse jump beneath his lips.
"Hey Felicity" he said in a mock-serious voice, his eyes sparkling with mirth "Hold on to me tight" he commanded
Oliver Queen had a sense of humor, who would have thunk it? Felicity laughed, smiling widely as he teased her "This" she paused, emphasizing the word carefully as she motioned to their current situation "Is much more like it" she confessed
Suddenly without further warning, she was flying across the room as Oliver swooped her up into his arms and carried her toward the couch. The sound of Felicity squealing filled the cavernous space, echoing happily throughout the lair.
.
.
.
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The end (for now)