AN: This is set in S11. It was inspired thanks to the flashes of Castiel throughout the trailer for the new season. This is just a theory of mine on what could be happening to Castiel in the upcoming season. Title is from Nothing More's song "I'll Be Okay". This fic will be posted on either Saturday or Sunday and will be complete before S11 starts on October 7th.

Warning: SPN 11 trailer spoilers

Chapter 1

Castiel's mind was in splinters. It was scattered throughout his head, leaving only empty space ready to be filled by a darker force. Rowena's spell had taken the opportunity with earnest. With his mind in pieces, the spell took over the empty space. It weaved its dark web and made itself right at home. Castiel tried to think straight, but couldn't. His thoughts had been broken and tossed to the far depths of his mind, leaving only Rowena's spell to fill in the blanks for him.

Attack. Attack. Attack.

He tried to push it back, but the spell was too much for him. Once, there was a time where he would have been able to obliterate the spell currently beating him down. However, that had been a time where things were much easier. Castiel had been an angel of the lord then. Now he was in no way an angel. He had the grace of an angel even if it was only a small portion. He had the wings of one, but they were nothing but broken skeletons. His powers were of an angel's even if he was weaker than most of his brethren. Castiel had fallen. He had become human and grew to know emotions that no angel truly understood, but he was not a human either now. Castiel was something else entirely. He'd been asked before if he was an angel or a man. Castiel had answered, calling himself an angel, but the words felt like a lie on his tongue. Even when he called himself a human it didn't feel right.

"Castiel," Crowley called in front of him. Castiel's attention focused on the king of hell. His words were muffled to Cas' ears. All he could hear was the demon's annoying pleading and the little voice in his head urging him to jump the shaking demon. He tried to struggle again and Rowena's spell pushed at him full force. Rage ran through his veins, but not like any kind Castiel had felt before. This was pure burning rage. It bubbled beneath his skin, burning him from the inside out. Castiel growled and yelled, but it was no use.

Growling low in the back of his throat Castiel stood slightly straighter. He looked Crowley over, every nerve in his body itching to tear the demon in front of him apart.

Castiel took a step forward. His vision tunneled, making Crowley look distorted and far away. With angel blade in hand, Cas charged forward. Crowley cried out and ducked in a sorry attempt to protect himself. Cas' blade flew downward, cutting through the air with ease and soaring for Crowley's unprotected body.

An ache pulsed through Cas' chest, thumping from his heart, to his grace, and then to the rest of his body. He paused mid-swing and Crowley stared up at him with a dumbfounded look on his face. Cas stared right through him, shaking as the strange feeling washed over him. It wasn't like when Rowena's spell had attacked him. This was more gentle and calming. The shattered pieces of his mind slowly clicked back together, forcing Rowena's spell to the back. Castiel's mind cleared slightly and the red faded from his eyes little by little. His free will was pushing through Rowena's spell and calling him back.

Castiel grit his teeth and held on to the little bit of strength still glowing within him. When he finally gained back his control he shakily lowered his blade. Crowley let out a sigh of relief, opening his mouth to make some witty comeback.

His words were cut off as Castiel swung out with his fist instead of his blade. He clipped Crowley right in the jaw and Crowley's body spun. The king of hell swung backwards; face contorting before he collapsed onto the cold ground. Silence filled the room Castiel stood in and calm washed over the angel.

Cas let out a shaky breath, stepping back from Crowley like he'd been burned. It was a struggle not to lift his blade and finish the passed out demon, but Cas knew that if he did the little bit of free will fighting within him would be completely swallowed by Rowena's spell. His blade flew back up his sleeve and for a second everything was okay. It wasn't really though. The red was easing its way back again. It was slow, but it wouldn't be long before Castiel's free will was chased away again.

The angel slunk past the king of hell and threw himself outside. The cold air bit at his skin, cooling him down. Cas was grateful. He felt too hot. His hair was limp with sweat and he yearned to pull off his trench coat to relieve himself of the growing heat building inside him from the spell. Cas kept the coat on though, fingers brushing at the fabric in attempt to distract himself.

Something buzzed within Castiel's pocket after only a few minutes of standing outside in the dark. It took him a second to realize that it was his phone that was buzzing and not the spell winding beneath his skin.

Cas reached into his pocket, flipping the phone out and looking at the screen. The angel didn't even pause as he answered the call.

"Hello, Dean."

"Cas," Dean sighed in relief through the phone. For a second Cas wondered if Dean had been worried about him or something, but the hunter's next words crushed the thought. "What do you got on the darkness?"

Cas didn't know what he was expecting when he answered the phone. He should have known better than to think that Dean calling him would be for anything else. Dean never called to just talk or anything. He called when he needed something. Sometimes it was information. Other times it was help on a case. Then there were the rare occasions that Dean called just to clear his own worries or guilt. He'd ask how the angel was doing in hopes of getting an answer that would allow him to get some sleep at night. Cas doubted he ever did when Castiel lied and said he was fine. Dean wasn't that kind of man. Castiel didn't mind the calls. In all honesty, they made him feel needed— wanted. There were times though that Castiel felt like a tool as he listened to Dean's deep voice on the other side of the phone.

Castiel told Dean what the hunter needed to know. There were things Castiel didn't know, but he gave Dean every bit of information he had. Dean listened, making comments every so often and there were moments where Castiel heard Sam say something or comment. Castiel wasn't really paying attention anymore as the brothers bickered back and forth about what he had told them. Rowena's spell was distracting him. It was pushing against the walls he'd tried to put up, slipping past his barriers, and teasing at the strings of his mind in attempt to break him.

Cas leaned back against the cold wall of the building, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. It took three tries before Castiel suddenly realized Dean was calling his name.

"What?" he croaked into the phone, forcing himself back into reality again as he lifted his head from the wall.

"Are you okay?" the hunter repeated and Castiel realized that his struggle and pain wasn't as easily hidden as he had hoped. "Cas?"

"I'm—"

"Don't," Dean hissed before Cas could finish. "We're done with that shit, Cas. Nothing's fine. The darkness is loose doing God knows what, the world's going to shit...again, and you most definitely are not fine. Now, what's the matter?" Cas licked his lips and leaned his head back against the side of the building he stood outside of.

"I'm not okay," he admitted. Dean urged him to go on. Castiel did. "Rowena...she did something to me. It was a spell." Cas reached a hand to the wet skin beneath his eyes. His fingers came back bloody.

"What was the spell?"

"Dele malum hoc, but you most likely would recognize it as Impetus bestiarum," Castiel recited. He heard Dean suck in a breath.

"Shit," the hunter swore.

"What?" Castiel heard Sam question through the phone.

"Rowena blasted Cas with the attack dog spell," Dean told his brother before putting his attention back on the angel listening silently. "Cas, you just hang on tight, alright? We're coming for you. We'll take care of this. Just stay where you are. You're going to be okay."

"Yes, Dean," Castiel sighed. Dean hung up then and Cas pocketed his phone. He let out a soft prayer that the Winchesters would be quick. The red was easing its way into the corners of Castiel's eyes, tinting everything to a bloody color that made Cas' stomach turn. He could feel the spell drumming at his brain. Castiel was glad the streets were empty of life and that he was safe from doing harm to an innocent soul.

Attack. Attack. Attack.

He gripped at the brick wall behind him with shaking fingers, anchoring himself to the solid wall for support. He let out slow, deep breaths.

"It's okay," Cas whispered, repeating Dean's words from earlier. No matter how many times he said them though Castiel felt the same way he did when he called himself an angel. He felt like a liar. He wasn't okay. Dean had been right originally. He was falling apart. Dean wanted him to tell the truth before and so Castiel did. He was in no way okay.