Title: Not me

Author: Omnicat

Rating: T for now, but will rise to M in further chapters.

Genre: Romance, Angst

Spoilers: The Gundam Wing TV episodes and the mangas.

Warnings: Disturbed characters. Mentioning of sexual situations, Bisexuality, Adultery and other Problems within a Marriage, hints of a sexual relationship with dubious consent. Some of the actions of the characters in this fic are illegal, and should not be mimicked in real life.

Pairings: Matrimonial Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft and Duo Maxwell x Hilde Schbeiker, hints of Trowa Barton x Quatre Winner and non-consensual Duo Maxwell x Relena Peacecraft. Strong, but unrequited Duo Maxwell x Heero Yuy.

Disclaimer: It's not my show. You should know this already.

Summary: Duo loves Heero, but Heero is happily married to Relena. Duo's POV. Can be read as a one–shot, but will have more chapters. This fic contains no bashing of any kind, and flames about the presented events will not be appreciated.

Author's Note: Let it be clear in advance that I do not support the Heero x Duo ship. I firmly believe that Heero is meant for Relena, and Duo for Hilde. Therefore, this fic does not express my real views on the couples. This fic is free of any Relena-bashing, and only contains a bisexual Duo. Let it also be clear that I have nothing against Duo in any way (ironically, 2xR happens to be my favourite GW 'alt couple'), so there is no Duo-bashing either. Or anti-yaoi sentiments, for that matter. I may not like it, but I don't hate it either. Read and enjoy, if you dare...

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Not me

I call myself Duo Maxwell, and I'm about twenty-five years of age, as far as I can tell.

I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie, is my motto.

I live up to it in the worst possible way. Because good liars tell the truth, or don't speak at all. They don't have to lie. And the only reason I always tell the truth, is because I'm such a good liar.

I call my best friend my wife.

I call the man I love my best friend.

You see, the man I love is an old-fashioned brave knight. The only difference between the heroes of old and Heero Yuy is that the latter doesn't wear shiny armour, because shiny armours are out of fashion nowadays. Though fashion sense is something you'd have to help him spell, anyway. And Heero might not be too tall either, but he's got the whole package otherwise; dark, handsome, mysterious, deadly, gorgeous physique, and at the core he's the biggest softy in the world.

So why isn't he mine again?

Because, like any lucky knight who has fulfilled his duty towards mankind, he got his princess in the end. And I'm only the sidekick.

We all fought in the war, but Relena Peacecraft was the one who got what she wanted after it ended: absolute peace. And though Mariemeia tarnished that, she still got the big prize: Heero.

Those two are like magnets, even when apart their thoughts can't be taken off of each other. I've spent enough time with them both to know...

I never stood a chance.

Seriously, it's not like I never tried to make a move on him. I did. Sorta.

The night after the first war had ended, so late the soldiers were finally beginning to pass out from the amount of alcohol in their blood, and early enough into the next morning for Heero to have come out of his hidey-hole in the windowsill, I kissed him. He didn't pull away. I'd shocked him too much for that. He let me enjoy our kiss, the only one I've ever been able to give him on he mouth, until, all too soon, the drunken strength left the arms I'd draped around his neck, and I slid to the floor, practically dead to the world. He picked me up a while later and put me to bed, and I tried to crack a joke about the Perfect Soldier letting me live to see the hangover, but it must have come out irreversibly slurred.

'Don't worry,' he said, 'you'll get to see Hilde in the morning.' And the end of the war must have brought him in a talkative mood, because he added: 'I know how you feel, but she's safe now.'

I passed out knowing that my crush on him had been a doomed love from the beginning. She'd gotten to him first, he'd been taken before I even met him.

But my love didn't die.

It never did. Not when Wufei showed up with "borrowed" security footage of Heero and Relena kissing it up backstage at a conference, not when they announced their engagement and I was his best man, not when they made me the godfather of his first child with her.

I encouraged them, even, because doing so made him happy, which gave me the feeble hope that he would eventually notice my encouragements and look at me in a different way. And I encouraged them because I was too chicken to break the heart of dear Hilde, who'd been falling in love with me more and more ever since I moved in with her permanently.

It wasn't fair. It still isn't fair. Trowa and Quatre hooked up, why not me and Heero? I've just never been able to let it rest.

What's she got that I don't, I still ask myself.

Big blue eyes?

I've got those.

Long, shining hair?

What, does he prefer blondes over brunettes?

A charming smile?

I dare say I show mine more often than she shows hers.

Does the polish of an aristocratic upbringing make my street-crafted demeanour look poor in comparison?

Phft. God knows he's had his share of Hell acclimatizing in he upper circles.

Boobs?

Can be arranged!

God, that sounded so pathetically desperate... The truth is, I just can't see it being an issue with him. I was born and bred to be a straight guy, but my early years on the street taught me not to be picky when it came to food, and I guess it rubbed off on my sexuality, because I've been ogling men's butts as well as girls' breasts ever since I hit puberty.

Whatever the reason, fact is and fact will remain that she's his all, his Earth, and I'm only a moon, a small satellite that's caught in a never-ending orbit around him. (1)

Sadist and masochist that I am, I come over to their place all the time. More and more as the years progressed, however, I've been taking Hilde with me when I go, because when I'm there, when I'm spending time with Heero like the best friends we are, almost like brothers, I can see that he's truly happy, but not because of me.

It's because of Relena, who looks at me with sad and solemn eyes and holds onto the hand Heero offers her like a lifeline.

She knows.

She catches me every time my gaze or touch lingers on him just that bit too long. She notices how fake my smile for her little baby is.

And she remembers.

The sadistic side of me revels in the knowledge that she'll never share the burden of my presence with Heero, and that she'll never be able to deny me a taste of her whenever the question 'Why? Why her and not me?' becomes too much to bear and I once again demand an answer from Relena herself, in their shared bed. She stopped crying long ago, but the dry eyes with which she looks up at me hold the grief and pain of years. I feel no pity or remorse as long as I remind myself that she's married to Heero. If I can't be happy with him, then why should she?

I sacrifice, so she'll sacrifice.

She'll never tell, because she wants Heero to be happy. And I'll never tell because I want Heero to be happy too, and I could cry, because I'm digging my own grave, I'm digging all our graves.

Heero loves us both, her as his wife and me as his best friend, and in turn wants us to be happy, and it would tear him apart if he ever found out.

He won't, and it hurts me so much, but I can't even cry. Because if I cried Hilde would come to comfort me, and she'd want to know why I'm crying, and Hilde can never find out. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she ever found out how I've wronged her, how I'm still defiling her love for me. She's the best and dearest friend I have, and the best wife a man like me could ever hope for.

If I cried, she would start wondering why I cry in my sleep, and she'd start wondering why the only time I'm ever completely quiet is when we make love.

Hilde, with her contagious humour and heavenly steak. Hilde, with her skinny, boyish figure, short, dark, spiky hair, and her love for doggy style sex...

If only she knew what she's asking when she wants me to make a little noise because the silence unnerves her.

If only she knew that the reason I yell Heero's name in my sleep so much more often than Quatre's or any of the others' aren't nightmares from the war, aren't nightmares in the conventional sense of the world at all.

I'm afraid to moan the wrong name...

If only she knew the reason for me to look forward to the child she's carrying. I can only hope that the birth of my son in a few months time will break the negative spiral I've been stuck in for all these years. That my love for him will finally rid me of the festering obsession with my best friend.

I can only hope she'll let me call him Heero.

Because good liars tell the truth, or don't speak at all. I want to be able to say, aloud, honestly and without fear, that Heero is the one I love more than anyone else.

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PSAN: Flames will be ridiculed and used to cheer myself up. Bashing might just be thrown right back at you. ConCrit is fine.

This fic was originally a one-shot, but a plotbunny got to me and forced a second chapter on me, followed by a third, a fourth, and a fifth. The next chapter of this story is when it gets ugly. M to MA rated ugly, mind. Attentive readers might already be able to guess what it'll be about. You can choose to read this as a one-shot, or take the risk of reading on. So please don't add this to favourites or alerts and stop reading now if you don't want to spoil the relatively 'good' feel of this chapter. If you like this chapter for what it is, print it out or something and forget about the rest of the story.

Additional Notes

(1) "she's his all, his Earth, and I'm only a moon, a small satellite that's caught in a never-ending orbit around him." A reference to the fact that Heero is from L1, Relena from Earth, and Duo from L2, which is located at the dark side of the moon. If you want to see for yourself what I'm talking about, look up 'lagrange point' on Wikipedia and take a look at the map. I had never given the position of L2 much thought until I read SilverCaladan's fic 'Infinite Grasp', so the credit for this revelation goes to SilverCaladan.