"Sherlock" was created by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss and are the property of the BBC. No copyright infringement is intended.
I'm pretty sure I don't have the characters' specific speech style down. Except Moran was never in the series so you won't know if he sounds off. Small victories.
"Sherlock."
"Jim."
"Here we are, again. You've succeeded in discovering the pattern."
"Obviously."
"Tsk tsk, Sherlock. Politeness is a virtue."
Sherlock snorts.
Jim laughs.
"Don't you want to know what my grand plan is?"
"Not particularly. Telling me would make the game superfluous."
"Hm. Indeed. Well, I've got time to kill before the next stage. Any interesting cases?"
"Really, Jim? Small talk?"
"I'm being unpredictable."
"But it's small talk. How utterly plebeian."
BANG.
"Ah, John Watson, how kind of you to join us. I like the touch of bursting through the door for dramatic effect."
"I do try to please, Jim. To add to the dramatic tension, I've brought a friend. Sherlock Holmes, meet Sebastian Moran. He is an associate of Jim's."
"You might say I'm Jim's John."
"Oh yes, everyone say hello. Dull."
"Sebastian, you're not supposed to be down here."
"Insubordination. Typical of a dishonorably discharged soldier. Just more evidence that John is superior."
A pause.
"So why are you here, exactly? It rather defeats the purpose of being a shadowy sniper."
"Can't you figure it out? How about you, Sherlock?"
"They're not clever enough to understand, Sebastian. Just say when you two figure out what's happening."
Indignant silence.
"We'll take that as an admission of defeat. Sherlock. Jim. Sebastian and I are here to stage an intervention."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I, too, am unfamiliar with this social ritual."
"It means you're both wankers and we're bored of it."
"Bored? You're bored? Why, my mind is a swirling vortex of - "
"I'm the one who's bored, Sebastian! Life is so - "
"Shut it. Both of you. It's time for you to listen to us."
"Don't worry, we'll use small words and talk slowly."
Both soldiers receive vicious glares.
"Now, you know John and I are adrenaline junkies."
"We invaded Afghanistan, after all."
"Ha! That we did, John, that we did. So, you know we're thrilled with the chase, playing the game, constantly being thrown into danger."
"We thrive on it."
"We want you to take that into consideration when we tell you: you two need to stop."
Blank stares.
Giggles.
"John, we can't giggle, this is serious."
"But their expressions are priceless! Right, right, back to the intervention. You two need to stop this cat and mouse nonsense. It's boring, it's predictable, it's dull. Stop it."
"What are you talking about? It's the most stimulation my mind gets!"
"You can't just say I have to stop destroying Sherlock! It's the most worthwhile thing I'm doing. Life just isn't enough."
"For God's sake, listen to us for once. The game is stupid."
"Just think about it: Jim comes up with some puzzle and watches Sherlock solve it. I have to deal with sprinting across London, some sort of absurd time limit, and, of course, lives at stake. Sebastian has to go around, rigging explosives, kidnapping innocents, putting out clues, being a sniper. Things always end in some manner of violent confrontation and then you both go off to start the damn game all over again! Don't you see how mind-numbingly dull that is for us?"
"It's like we're back in the Afghanistan but instead of danger and uncertainty, we're forced to do the same mission over and over and over again. The same ambush, the same IEDs, the same injuries. Except we can't stop because you idiots won't stop. We know the motions, we know the outcome, but we're still forced along with it. Can't you see the mundane nature of it all, Jim?"
"We're not machines, Sherlock. We need variety."
Silence.
More silence.
"Oh God, look at their faces! They're stunned speechless! Brilliant."
"Damn it, John! We should have brought a camera. Then we could treasure this moment forever."
"Just do as they do. Take a quiet moment to imprint this image in your mind. Then you can always look back on it. Especially when they're being annoying gits."
"Which is always."
"Oh, God, yes."
The soldiers regain their composure.
"We're not completely, heartless, however."
"We reserve that for you two."
"Sebastian!"
"Fine, fine, we reserve being mostly heartless to you two."
"We're not saying you can never cross paths again."
"That would cripple both our businesses."
"We are simply demanding you do not actively seek each other out. No committing crimes to get Sherlock's attention. If you have the actual perpetrator of the crime, don't attempt to get Jim just because he arranged it."
A pause.
"So do you two supposed 'geniuses' understand our demands?"
Another pause.
"Sebastian and I decided it would be best to keep you two apart while you go through the inevitable sulking and lashing out that will result from this separation."
"I'm taking Jim to the continent. John is keeping Sherlock in London. After all, Jim can commit crimes anywhere but Sherlock has to work with Scotland Yard if he gets bored of his clients."
The consultants stir from their stupor.
"I guess that makes me the better consultant, Sherlock."
"Hardly. It simply means you have such trouble finding jobs you must expand your attempts beyond England."
"Now now, children. Behave."
"We're going to let you ruminate on it for a minute because we know the shock of being defeated must bruise the ego. However, we do know you are geniuses so it won't take you long to adjust."
"And no attempts at subterfuge. John and I know you two too well. We'd catch anything you attempt to plan."
"We'll leave you to say your goodbyes."
The soldiers leave.
The consultants stare.
"Saying goodbye is sentimental."
"We'll see each other in the course of our work, anyway."
Silence.
"You know, Sherlock, I have an idea."
"I have many of those."
"I meant I have a specific idea."
"I probably have the same one. But do proceed."
"They said we can no longer play games against each other. But... "
The consultants regard the door through which the soldiers had just gone.
"My thoughts precisely."
Predatory grins spread over two faces.