Something He Called Love
"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." –Aristotle Onassis
Sirius Black was never a man to fall in love. As a matter of fact, most of the people who knew him assumed he'd stay single forever—a wanton bachelor, forever catching the hearts of young girls and leaving them broken in his wake. But that was where they had it wrong, really. Sirius only let those young girls go because he'd had his eye on someone else. And 'someone' was very, very far from a young girl.
This time it'll be different, he said to himself. This time I'll forget him. Of course, he never did. Remus Lupin tended to be unforgettable like that.
He'd grit his teeth and say, "This isn't really going to work out, dear," and then he'd leave. For the rest of the night, he'd become a withdrawn, emotional mess, gorging himself on firewhiskey and then regretting it the next morning in Potions.
And as if the god that Sirius doubted just wanted to make things worse, Remus would unquestionably lean over, his face so tantalizingly close to Sirius's own that it made him want to scream, and say, "I'm sorry, mate. You'll find the girl."
It took incredible self-restraint that most people assumed Sirius didn't possess not to reply, "I don't want some girl. I want you." Instead, he just nodded and tried to chop his ingredients more neatly.
The next week, there would be another girl, and Sirius would pretend he loved her so that his heart would stay together. Some nights he thought he would have to tie it together with a piece of string to keep it from breaking into a million pieces as Remus slept in the bed next to him. He would shut his eyes tight and tell himself to go to sleep.
He never went to sleep. How could he sleep when the most gorgeous man he'd ever met was just meters away from him, glorious chest rising up and down as he slept without a shirt on because it was too warm?
As his best years passed too quickly, Sirius found himself in more beds than he cared to count, seeking something he called love in the arms of someone he didn't want. There were girls, of course; plenty of those. A few boys had the privilege of making their way in and out of his life, but they were nothing more than irrational and hormone-driven one night stands.
Remus was never one of them. Sirius didn't dare try. Anyone else he could stand losing, but Remus? Never. James and Peter were important, but Remus was a lifeline. Even before Sirius confided in James, he told Remus all of his deepest secrets. James was just the one with a home to offer. That was, Sirius told himself, why he must have found himself so attracted to Remus. It was an emotional connection; the bond between friends.
That was why he wanted to crawl into Remus's bed and attach himself to his lips.
Or, that was the reason he was going to believe.
So he lost himself in more warm bodies. Woman or man, it didn't matter to him. He wanted someone to hold, or someone to hold him. Someone with whom to pretend he didn't love the man he loved.
He tried so hard to see some sort of light—something to tell him that there was reason to live—but he found none. He kept trying. But he had to break eventually. One cannot deny one's heart for too long without risking the loss of a heart altogether. He'd tied so many pieces of string around his heart that there was hardly any heart left, just a little string bundle that told of sleepless nights and worthless loves.
"You going to Hogsmeade, mate?" Remus asked him. It was a particularly sunny day, even though it was the middle of winter and snow was threatening to fall. "Going to get some Christmas gifts for your new girl?" he asked, laughing.
"No, I think I'll stay here."
"Suit yourself. I'm going," James said. He jumped out of the portrait hole and Peter followed him. Remus hesitated before sitting on the couch next to Sirius.
"I'll stay with you, then."
No, Sirius thought. "Okay. You don't have to."
"I want to. No one should be alone on Christmas Eve."
It was sudden, and it was rash, but Sirius would never regret when he turned around and kissed Remus on the lips. Just as abruptly, he pulled away and faced forward.
"Um."
"Sorry," Sirius whispered, already tying the last piece of string around his heart. This time, there would be no saving it.
"No, no. It was good."
He stopped tying it. "What?"
"It was nice. I mean, I knew you played for both teams, but…I didn't know…"
"Oh."
"Yeah."
And slowly, all of the strings fell away until his heart was throbbing so painfully it could have beat out of his chest. Sirius didn't notice, of course, because he was too busy running his hands through Remus's hair and over his chest and attaching himself to the lips he'd only dreamt about.
After they'd gotten tired, they lay in bed next to each other, reveling in the empty room.
"So you love me?" Remus teased.
"You don't know how much," Sirius replied, his face grave. "And you love me?"
"No."
For a moment, Sirius felt as though he'd been slapped in the face. But then, what did he expect? Someone like Remus could never love Sirius.
"I'm just kidding. Of course I love you."
The last string fell away, and Sirius's heart could have almost been mistaken for brand new. He put his forehead against Remus's and breathed in deeply, staring at his face.
"What are you doing, you idiot?" Remus asked, in a way that made it clear he didn't mind whatever he was doing, as Sirius ran a finger over his cheek.
"Counting your freckles."
"I don't have any freckles."
"Are you sure? Because it looks like there's one right here." Sirius kissed the tip of his nose softly. "And here."
He kissed his lips, and everything else fell away around them.
A/N: This fic is for my lovely sister Cassie. I've never written you anything, which is a hideous and heinous crime. I hope this makes up for it, and I want you to know you're appreciated more than you know every day. Stay rainbow.
This was written for the Fanfiction Wizard Tournament Competition using the prompts withdrawn, slapped in the face, counting freckles, and the quote. Also for the If You Dare Challenge using the prompt 'The Weight of Love.'
I hope you enjoyed this! If you did, please leave a little review. It's painless, I promise.
Thank you to Sam for betaing: I owe you eternally.
Allie