"The Journal of Sam Winchester."
"So Dean figured that if I started writing out what's going on in my mind it might actually help make the hallucinations go away. Or at the very least it will help keep them from making such a huge impact on my life. So here goes nothing."...
"I don't know when it started all I know was at some point I stated feeling angry more and more and then one day Dean tells me that before our father died he had told Dean that if he couldn't save me he'd have to kill me. All I could think about after that was that if I became evil I didn't want to live. I was taken to Cold Oak and that's where I learned what the yellow eyed demon had done to me, that's the night I found out I've always been evil."
"At first I tried to deny it, tried to pretend I had a choice, tried to make the others believe they had a choice as well but in the end Jake still stabbed me in the back both literally and figuratively. By the time Dean, Bobby, Ellen and I went to Wyoming to stop Jake from opening The Devil's Gate I had started to have suspicions that Dean hadn't been entirely honest with me about my miraculous recovery from my injury at Cold Oak and when Jake confirmed my worst fears I realized what Dean had done so I lost it and killed Jake in cold blood because at that exact moment I blamed Jake for something that was really my own fault. I wish to GOD that Dean had just let me stay dead but the idiot went and sold his soul to save my worthless life and what was really stupid all he got in return was a year to live."
"If I hadn't been going out of my mind trying to find a way to get Dean out of his deal I would have seen the truth then, but I didn't and when it came time for Dean to die I lost my mind. I tried to sell my soul to every Crossroads demon I could sumon and all of them said my soul was worthless, of course it was worthless, I've deserved Hell from the moment I took my first breath so there was no point in making a deal with someone who's soul is already damned."
"When I couldn't make a deal I started thinking about killing myself so that at the very least Dean wouldn't have to burn alone but I was a coward and couldn't do it, all I could do was drink myself into oblivion in attempts to numb out all the pain I was feeling and when booze stopped working Ruby showed up and offered something stronger. At first I refused and even managed to get sobber because when I realized how far gone I was for even thinking about accepting it I decided that I couldn't keep living that way. But then Ruby told me I could get revenge against the bitch that took my brother away and just like I had with Jake I let Lillith take the blame for something that was my fault and I let my anger fuel my motives. Then Dean came back and I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I was to far gone with addiction to the demon blood for him to reach me except now I was giving myself new excuses to want it. I kept telling myself I needed the blood to make myself strong enough to beat Lillith and I told myself that killing Lillith would be saving the world from The Apocolypse and I told myself that I was the only one who could do it and that my way was the only way. I wish Dean had killed me the second he realized I was a monster, but he didn't and I found out just what kind of evil I really am when not only was Lucifer set free but I also turned out to be his freaking vessel. And Dean still wouldn't kill me even after he found out to."
"I'm so evil even Heaven knows I don't deserve anything good and what Dean saw there was the last straw for him, but he still wouldn't kill me. He even came between Lucifer and Michael at Stull Cemetary just to let me know I wasn't alone. Even when it was clearly obvious how evil I could be Dean still fought to get my soul out of The Cage, he tried to make it to where I wouldn't have to deal with remembering the tortures of Hell even when suffering there for an eternity doesn't even begin to punish me enough for what I've done, for what I am. He's always fighting to keep me safe and I don't deserve to be safe. I've never deserved it. Our father wasted his life hunting down the yellow eyed demon when the monster that was really responsible for his wife's death grew up under his nose. If our father had just let me die that night none of this would have ever happened. Our dad might still be alive and Dean would have never gone to Hell."
"When I was younger I had hated the way our dad made Dean and I live a life that was devoted to his obsession with vengence. I'd always thought our father's obsession was going to wind up costing us our family. I wasn't really wrong, but when it's put in perspective that our dad wouldn't have been obsessed had I died that night instead of my mom it becomes clear that I was the reason my father was driven into this life, because everthing that had happened had been planned right down to my mom dying and my dad becoming a hunter to avenge her. In fact a lot of things in my existence have clearly been planned as it had been predetermined what I would be before I was even born. Almost everything that lead me down the paths I ended up taking in life had been set up before I was even a thought in either of my parent's minds, which makes me know that while my existence may not be my fault as my existence was also planned, that my existence is at fault for the world literally going to Hell in a handbasket because it had always been planned that way, which in itself is something that would be enough to make most people lose their minds. And while Dean will continuously tell me that things that happened weren't really just my fault and that all the things that's happened and all the things I've done still doesn't make me evil, I know better and I wish I could just make him see me for what I am, make him realize that I'm far beyond the point of no return. Yes I do realize that outside influences had a hand in controlling where my life led which technically makes some of the things I've done not really my fault, but I don't like the way I was used or the purposes I was used for or the fact that a lot of my choices were taken away and I hate the fact that I hurt Dean in the process and I'm so tired of hurting people and destroying things but mostly I'm sick of knowing I'm a worse kind of evil than anything we've ever hunted and I'm sick of my existence hurting Dean."..
"And Dean I already knew you were going to read this when I started writing and just to let you know as much as I know you were trying to help when you suggested I do this. But it isn't working because right now Lucifer's telling me the only way I can make him stop is to put a bullet in my brain, which yeah I know is pretty messed up and no I won't do it. And while this tells you the things I can't say outloud and helps you to know what's going on in my head it's not helping make the hallucinatuions go away one damn bit, it's not even helping to make them manageable. But thanks for trying anyway. And no I don't want to talk about it because talking isn't going to make the hallucinations go away or help make them manageable either, I'm seriously begginig to think nothing will.
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