So, there's this poem, called Guide Cats for the Blind by Les Barker, which I was mildly obsessed with for a time. Usually I wouldn't bother posting this but it makes me giggle so, yeah, I am posting it.
That being said the poem belongs to Les Barker and Harry and Tom belong to J.K.
Harry is, naturally, speaking first followed by dear old Tom.
"The word futile springs to mind."
"Long ago."
"Mission impossible, yes."
"Getting you to stop doing things like this, impossible is exactly what it is."
"That's the attempt to harness for mankind the intelligence of cats."
"Wait, cats?"
"You've made a basic error."
"Yes, letting a brat into my office."
"Now let me expound."
"I really wish you wouldn't."
"This master servant things okay, but not that way around."
"Are you still on about cats?"
"We don't do the faithful subject."
"We?"
"We don't do the daily grind."
"Doesn't mean you shouldn't."
"You never should have attempted this."
"Having you on my side seemed like a good idea at the time. Then again those are famous last words."
"Guide cats for the blind."
"So you are still on about cats. Wait, what?"
"Give kitty too much trust and we'll abuse the privilege."
"Something has been abused and I think it is your mind."
"You think you're going out?"
"No generally I stay here, ordering people about and being annoyed by you."
"You're opening the fridge."
"Food on the brain?"
"You think I'm here to help you?"
"That was the general idea."
"I'm not serving man, but mammon."
"What are you talking about?"
"You think you've gained a faithful friend."
"Friend, I think we've passed that one."
"You've lost a plate of salmon."
"I was unaware you liked fish."
"I might lead you down the high street, I'll be back when I have dined. We get very, very hungry being guide cats for the blind."
"I'm not going to even reply to you anymore."
"It can't be very comfortable, or this I've little doubt, to have your head stuck in a catflap, whether facing in or out."
"Alright, now you're just being annoying."
"You could be there a day or two with half of you out in the rain. I've got to go, there's things to do, maybe I'll pass this way again. A dog would go for help. Cats are not that way inclined. Cats have better things to do than being guide cats for the blind."
"What has gotten into you?"
"On some matters I am ignorant, but this I know for certain."
"Many matters actually."
"The best place for a blind man isn't halfway up a curtain. And why do they have to be up on the roof at four am? It's the perfect place for me, but what's in it for them?"
"The roof…at four am?"
"It was where I had to go and he just tagged along behind."
"Who? Why?"
"I don't know why, only a fool would follow guide cats for the blind."
"Now you decide to answer one of my questions but you continue to make no sense."
"I once met a man called Pavlov, from time to time he rang a bell."
"Do you mean a ghost because Pavlov is rather dead."
"Simple things make humans happy, but I have to say that I found it a disturbance and poor chap I think he knew it."
"Humans? What happened to those blasted cats you were on about?"
"And soon he only rang his bell when I wanted him to do it."
"Humans, cats, bells, make up your mind!"
"Did you ask for our assistance?"
"Well, not exactly, you volunteered…kind of."
"If you did, well, we've declined."
"I'm starting to remember why I wanted you dead."
"Here we are an oxymoron."
"Try a regular moron."
"Guide cats for the blind."
"Get out of my office! Wait. What is that in your ear?"
"Huh? My ear? Oh, ear buds, why?"
"Oh, now you're going to answer my questions?"
"You were asking questions?"
"You were talking back, don't play dumb."
"Actually I was reciting Guide Cats for the Blind. Funny little sketch. How long have you been here?"
"Long enough for the word futile to spring to mind, brat."
Like I said, love the poem. Likely doesn't make a ton of sense but gave me a good laugh. Hope someone finds it entertaining.
~Ke