As long as he can remember, Alex had always felt like he was different from all of the other boys. Like he didn't belong. Now he understands why.
Alex remembers when he first held the hand of another boy. It was in kindergarten, and their class was on a field trip. They had touched hands and Alex had a funny feeling in his chest. But no one else looked like they felt the same thing he did, so he stayed silent.
(And he remembers coming home to his mother, and quietly telling her everything. She just kissed him on the forehead and told him he was special.)
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Later, it becomes uncool to hold hands with another boy. To hug another boy. To be close enough to touch another boy. But none of the other boys seem that angry about it, so he keeps his distance and wants. So what if he wants to hold hands with another boy? All of the girls are always hugging and holding hands when they walk around the field at recess. Why can't boys be like them?
The only way that boys can be physically close other boys is if they get into fights. So that's what Alex does.
(It hurts, to see his mom crying when she notices the bruises and the bloodied knuckles, and he can't help but feel ashamed. He should be better. He has to be better.)
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He's eight, and the world is falling apart around him. His mom is dead, and his dad doesn't love him anymore. So he had to go live with his grandparents. He gets angry. At himself. At the other boys in his new school. His grandmother thinks it's because of his mother's death. His grandfather thinks he's immature.
Both and neither of those things are right, and sometimes Alex gets so frustrated he wants to scream. Why is he so different? Why can't he have his mom back?
xxx
When Alex is thirteen, his world changes. He's behind the school, a fist slamming down repeatedly on his raised arms. It was his fault, really. He'd goaded the older kid into fighting after school, and now he was paying the price. But he hears a gasp, the suddenly the older boy is off of him, stammering out an apology to the girl in front of them.
Alex knows her. She's in a few of his classes, and they both live in Pelican Town. Her name is Haley.
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Haley is the first close friend he's had since moving to Pelican Town. They hang out after school, and at the beach, and in the forest - everywhere, really. His grandparents are relieved that he's found a friend, even if they tease him somewhat about her being a girl.
After that, Alex and Haley stick together. Most of the people in their grade assume that they're in a relationship, but they aren't like that. Or at least, Alex doesn't think they are. Sure, Alex lends Haley his jacket, and Haley hugs him and holds his hand a lot, but they're just friends.
He promises Haley that he'll stop fighting boys behind the school, and she hugs him so tightly he feels like he'll burst.
(Though, he doesn't really stop fighting. It makes him feel good, and he doesn't know how else to deal with what he's feeling.)
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Alex is the first person that Haley tells her biggest secret too. It was summer, and they were sitting and talking on the pier, watching the waves crash up against it. They talk about school, and then their lives, and then nothing at all. Haley nudges his shoulder, and says that she likes girls. Alex doesn't really know what to make of that, until Haley explains further. Haley's his friend, he thinks. He'll stand by her no matter what.
(When he tells her this, she clings to him and cries into his shoulder. Her makeup is ruined and on his jacket, but he doesn't say anything.)
xxx
Alex gets into gridball near the end of middle school, and finds out that it's better than fighting. It's all he wants to do now, besides hang out with Haley. So he starts to work out, and gets pointers from his coaches and a couple of the older boys on his team. Being strong feels good, especially when his coaches talk about his improvement as a player.
Haley buys him magazines of all kinds, so that he has goals to work towards. He puts his favourite pictures in his locker at the spa in Pelican Town. He doesn't think much of it when he spends a couple of minutes before and after his workout looking at the men in the photos. He wants, but it's just him wanting to look like them. It has to be.
At night, he looks through the magazines that Haley lends him, wondering why he doesn't feel anything towards the girls in the tight clothes, the swimsuits. He knows he's supposed too. All of the other boys at school talk about girls. So why isn't he like them?
Alex wonders if he's broken. Maybe he's just a late-bloomer? That has to be it. He'll like girls eventually. He's got to.
xxx
Alex finishes high school with one goal in mind: going pro as a gridball player. He works tirelessly, and gets new magazines with better photos for him to follow. Haley encourages him, and his grandparents don't really seem to care, though that doesn't really bother him much. Life goes on as usual.
But they get someone new in town. He moves into the old farm on the 1st of spring, and Alex is instantly fascinated by him. His name is Marcel, and he's from Zuzu City, and he's cool. Alex has never met someone that he feels this strongly about before, besides Haley. Marcel stops in everyday like clock work with a new story to tell or some cherry jam for him. Alex finds himself looking forwards to his visits, and he catches himself thinking about Marcel more often than not.
It's probably because of how great it is to have someone who likes the same things as he does in town. He doesn't feel alone anymore.
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Marcel and Alex hang out a lot. They go to the spa together, and Marcel spots for him. Marcel brings him egg's straight from his farm for his breakfasts. He gives Alex cool rocks that he finds on his mining excursions. Alex shares his knowledge of gridball when they watch games together. Even his grandparents are getting used to his presence in their house.
And Alex doesn't know how to feel about that. Marcel makes him feel different than everyone else. The way he smiles at Alex makes his stomach turn over, and Alex catches glimpses of freckled skin sometimes after they've worked out. It makes him feel lightheaded, and he blames the redness to his face on the exertion.
He's not exactly sure how to feel about this; About how he feels towards Marcel. He didn't get this handbook that everyone else seemed to get on how to deal with your emotions. Alex has never known how to deal with his emotions, at least, not after his mom died. Nothing makes sense with Marcel, and that scares Alex. He's used to things making sense.
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Haley is the first to introduce Alex to people online that have gone through similar things like he has. She helps convince his grandparents to get him a computer, and helps him set up an account on the same forum she is in. He reads and talks and learns about everything he can.
He makes friends with Haley's other friends, and they give him words that start to make sense. ' Touch-starved '. It fit him, and his world started to make more sense. His fights with the boys at school. Wanting to hold hands and hug like the girls. He was normal.
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He finally figured it out when he was chatting with one of Haley's online friends. He had just finished his workout, and was talking to them about their day. Alex sends them a picture, and they ask about the posters in his locker. As he's typing he feels somewhat ashamed. Maybe they thought that it was weird that he had the posters up.
But they didn't say that at all. They asked what he specifically liked about the posters, which made Alex stop and pause for a moment. He liked them because the men in them looked good. He liked them because he wanted to be like them. He liked them because… He liked them.
Alex, have you considered that you might like guys?
It felt like his stomach dropped, and he flinched slightly. He liked guys but… He was supposed to like girls. He was supposed to be like everyone else. Alex bit his lip as he replied, and then pressed his head into his arms. His eyes were stinging, but he couldn't quite tell why.
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Haley's friend sent his some stories about other men. One's like him. He found new words through those stories, that made even more sense. 'Sexual repression'. 'Internalized hatred'. But he understood now. Nothing was wrong with him at all. He just liked boys. That was it.
(When he told Haley, she cried again. Thanked him for trusting her, thanked him for being honest. And then she said she was sorry, which confused Alex. It was his problem. What was she sorry about?)
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Alex is nervous. He's never done this before. Marcel's house is quiet at this time, and he hopes Marcel hasn't gone out tonight. He wants to tell him. He needs to tell him. Alex knocked on the door, and immediately after regretted doing it. Marcel was shuffling around behind the door, and Alex swallowed. The door opened, and Marcel was there, a warm smile on his face. Alex stammered out a greeting, before he stepped inside. They sat on the couch together, and Alex finally told him. Everything. What he was feeling, his dad, his mom, meeting Haley. All of it. He had to get it off his chest, had to tell someone that he could trust. And Marcel listened.
Marcel watched him with that same, even look and Alex wondered if Marcel hated him for dumping this all of him at once. He would have hated it. Alex looked anywhere but Marcel when he was done. The silence was horrible, and Alex wanted Marcel to say something, anything at all.
"Alex." Marcel whispered, and it took all of his strength to look Marcel in the eyes. He had that slow grin crawling across his face as he scooted closer, his eyelids drooping slightly.
Marcel touched his cheek before he leaned in and oh , Alex hadn't realized that a kiss could feel so good . Alex sighed and Marcel tilted his head just so he could slip onto Alex's lap. He had never been kissed like this before. (Scratch that. He had never been kissed before.) Marcel was amazing. He pulled back and smiled at Alex, thumb tracing the line of his cheekbone. Alex just gaped up at Marcel, cheeks flushed and eyes wide. He licked his lips once, twice, before he could finally speak.
"Kiss me again."
(They were going to be okay, the two of them.)
"the red coal
is burning between us and we are at its mercy—
as if a power is finally dominating
the two of us"
- The Red Coal, Gerald Stern