Oh, lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Birdy - Wings
There's nothing.
That's how she knows something's wrong. There always used to be something, before. A smirk, a roll of the eyes, even a smile on the good days. Quips passed back and forth, jokes and promises, light touches that would always linger a bit more. Then, warm hugs and kisses, glorious kisses along with the best sex she had ever had. Gazes locked together, hands gripped tightly, love confessions uttered softly and shouted loudly. Fighting and walking away, but always coming back. And that constant push and pull, never able to escape it, and never really wanting to. But not anymore.
He's gone.
They say you don't know how good something is, how valuable someone is, until you lose them. They couldn't be more wrong. She knows exactly how good Damon (she hasn't said his name for days. Even thinking it hurts; a pain that she feels deep in her bones.) was for her, how amazing they were together. And, God, she has to use past tense now, and it hurts, it hurts.
He's gone.
It's been days now, perhaps even weeks. Marking the passing of days seems foreign to her now. Caroline mentioned the date the other day and she couldn't be bothered to feign interest in the time passed. It is of no consequence, after all. Each day is the same. There's no difference, no hope, no chance of filling the void that's taken residence inside her and only seems to grow. Sometimes she wishes it would hurry up and envelop her fully; everything would be preferable to the pain that feels as if it's trying to claw its way out from inside her. And she would show it the way, only she doesn't know where it is. She doesn't know where Damon is. She doesn't know anything.
He's gone.
Her new room is nothing special. They've taken up residence in a hotel, somewhere near Whitmore College. Stefan had suggested – in the few times he had talked since… the incident – that she and Caroline stay at their dorm room. Both girls had refused immediately and simultaneously and had since then steered clear of the place. So now, she has a hotel room all to her own, except not really. Jeremy spends most of his nights there, on the bed next to hers. He has his own room and they both know it, yet she pretends as if she doesn't. Just like she pretends she doesn't hear his sobs at night. He tries his best to muffle them with his pillow, only you can't cheat vampire hearing. He takes care to leave before she wakes up every day, and she sighs and wishes for the millionth time she could do something to help him. But she can't. She can't help him and he can't help her, so all that's left is pretending.
She can't fall asleep anymore. She keeps shifting around in her bed, every so often kicking the covers in frustration and eventually ending up getting up and pacing back and forth, back and forth. It's dull, and somehow, comforting. Jeremy notices, she knows, but he seems to have gotten the memo about pretending, cause other than a few worried glances sent her way, he keeps his mouth shut. Perhaps she's grown too accustomed to king-sized beds and Egyptian cotton sheets, she muses. Perhaps the room Stefan and Caroline have claimed for themselves has more comfortable sleeping arrangements – there was one bed and it looked big enough – only she has no intention of finding out. Along with the bed, their room contains a vacant space in front of the window, ideal for anyone who would like to sit and admire the view. One look at it (Cute PJ's) and she had snatched the other key from Caroline's hand and practically fled the room.
Or maybe, she's grown accustomed to having someone beside her while she slept, someone she could curl up to. It wouldn't be the first time she and Damon had stayed at less-than-stellar hotel rooms. She could vividly remember that night, Damon with his shirt open, lying next to her, looking for all the world as if he belonged there. And she had been lightheaded, couldn't catch her breath, only by his hand holding hers. Of course, if he were here now, he wouldn't waste time coming up with much more interesting ways they could use that bed other than sleeping; wouldn't hesitate to demonstrate them to her, either. She lets out a laugh at the thought and has to quickly stifle it, before it turns into a sob.
He's gone.
She doesn't know what their plan is, now. Doubts any of the others do, either. They have tried to hold what Caroline optimistically calls team meetings, only to have them end about ten minutes later, seeing as no one can get past listing the obvious. The other side is gone, Damon and Bonnie with it. The travelers are dead. Liv and her brother have vanished. They don't know anything or anyone who could help them. This meeting has come to an end.
She's been tempted, more than once, to ask Caroline why she insists on this farce of meetings, but she never does. Partly because she knows her friend needs to feel like she's doing something, making an effort. However, it's also because she has this stupid, stupid hope that in one of these meetings one of them will have an epiphany, will finally think of something to help them. So far it hasn't happened and she really needs to stop feeling disappointed every time.
He's gone.
Matt and Tyler have been frequent guests, bringing them news from Mystic Falls, since now they're the only ones who can actually live there. The news don't seem to be anything interesting; whenever she makes the effort to tune in to one of the conversations, she finds they mostly consist of the plans to rebuild the Grill. Which is something, she supposes.
Still, even if their visits aren't all that helpful in terms of figuring out their next move, she can't help but feel grateful for their presence. She knows Caroline misses Tyler and Jer and Matt have become fast friends. Both of them need the distraction and comfort the other two are willing to offer. Unfortunately, that also serves to remind her that her own comfort, her own friend is dead.
God, she misses Bonnie. She misses her so much that sometimes she finds she can't even breathe. Other times she forgets about her for a while, lost in her grief for Damon, and then the memory comes along with a great deal of guilt. Because, really how could she ever forget her best friend? How could she forget the one person who had been there for her her whole life? And worse, how is she supposed to go on without her, when she has been there every step of the way. She had to deal with it once and it almost destroyed her, the only thing holding her together being the hope and determination that she would get her back, no matter what. She longs for that now, the certainty that there would always be a way. She can't quite make herself believe it now, not when all that Jeremy does is mope around aimlessly and Stefan and Caroline spend hours holed up in their room, only to emerge just as empty-handed and out of ideas as they were the day before.
She's not angry at them, not really. It's not like she's been all that helpful, either. But, she can't think straight most days and at one point the grief and the pain and the longing become too much and she just loses it; starts screaming at Caroline how she's useless now, nothing more than a blonde Barbie (it doesn't escape her that Damon used to call Caroline Vampire Barbie), how Stefan spent all that time resenting his brother and fighting with him and now he's gone, is that what he wanted? Not even Jeremy escapes her wrath as she tells him he should have told them about Bonnie sooner, or better yet done something-anything- other than let her get sucked into the destruction of the other side.
Stefan remains silent, his head bowed down, but Caroline and Jeremy start shouting back and it's not long before a full-on fight has started and she finds she enjoys it. She relishes in it, the chance to let out everything she's kept inside all that time, to focus on something else other than the crippling loneliness she feels all the time. Alaric steps in to try and calm things down, only to get sucked into the altercation himself, when she rounds on him, blaming him for forcing her to leave without Damon and then not getting him back sooner. To her surprise, Stefan agrees with her and then it's both of them hurling accusations at Alaric without giving him a moment to defend himself. They end up causing so much noise, the owner has to come up and order them to keep it down. Caroline compels him to forget about the whole incident, but in the meantime, she has stopped screaming and now she can't find the energy to get back to it. She simply feels hollow, as if everything's been sucked right out of her and nothing's where it should be.
She looks around, at those people who are just as broken and grieving as she is, and the guilt starts coming in waves, each one stronger and more painful than the one before. And she doesn't know how to apologise, doesn't know what to say to make them understand, because they're not supposed to understand this, it's not supposed to happen, it can't be happening, it can't, because he's gone and she's gone and they don't know how to bring them back and how is this her life now? She feels she'll break down if she so much as opens her mouth, so she leaves, without looking back. She doesn't make it far, however, before she has to lean against the wall for support, in order to not fall down. What else can she do, now that the one person she could always lean on isn't here?
He's gone.
It's another night – she's lost count of how many there've been – that sleep eludes her completely. She tosses and turns in the uncomfortable mattress for the better part of an hour before landing a kick to her pillow and admitting defeat. She gets up and approaches the window, the pillow still in her grasp as she leans her forehead against the cool glass. It's still relatively early and the streetlights illuminate those walking around, couples and friends and families. She doesn't know them, yet she envies them. She wants nothing more than to be out there laughing with Bonnie, or going for a walk with Damon, secure in the knowledge that he's by her side, where he belongs.
''How could you do this to me?'' she says, her voice no louder than a whisper in an empty room. ''How could you leave me?'' Predictably there's no answer, nothing but the all too familiar silence and she feels her hands ball into fists as her anger rises. He lied to her. The one person she trusted to always tell her the truth lied to her. He had promised he would never leave her and she believed him. Lies. He had promised he would make it back to her and she believed him. Lies. What good were his promises, if he didn't keep them? What good were they, when he had left her alone, to go the one place she could not follow? What good was he, if he wasn't here when she needed him so much she couldn't bear it?
He's gone.
She looks out the window once again, sick of the dark silence of her room and she sucks in a breath at the sight, and for one wonderful second her world is right again. On the road in front of the building there's a man, a man all in black, from his black jeans and boots to his leather jacket and his dark hair. His face is shadowed so she can't make out his features, but it doesn't matter. Her lips trace his name without a sound while her heart is hammering in her chest; she's ready to run out to him, even smash the window and jump if she has to (wouldn't be the first time), when a small, red-haired girl rushes up to him and envelopes him in her arms. She just stands there, confused and transfixed by the sight in front of her, when the man takes one step and his face can be seen clearly under the yellow light of the streetlamp. He looks nothing like the man with the ever-present smirk she met on a bridge one night, in a town she can never come back to. Of course he doesn't.
The couple outside link hands and start down the road together, but she doesn't seem them anymore. She's screwed her eyes shut, yet the tears still escape, trailing paths down her face. She sinks down to the floor, her whole body shaking and the pillow clutched tightly in her lap doing nothing to muffle her sobs.
He's gone.
''Elena?'' The voice is low and soft and she has to strain her ears to hear it, but it doesn't matter, because she would know that voice anywhere. ''Elena,'' the voice says again, and it's so achingly familiar, and at the same time impossible.
''Baby, turn around,'' the voice asks but she's afraid, so afraid. ''Please.'' The voice is begging now and she can't resist anymore. She turns and there he is, standing in front of her, in all of his bad brother glory, as Caroline had once said. He looks just like he did the last time she saw him, holding her hand as they rushed toward the explosion they had set up. Only now, instead of worried, his expression is serene, a small smile tugging at his lips.
''Damon?'' she says, her own voice rough and hesitant as disbelief and hope are warring inside her. ''Are you... you can't be... You're alive?'' she stumbles to get words out, to form coherent sentences.
He doesn't seem to have the same problem. ''Don't know,'' he replies with a shrug.
''How can you be here?'' she asks in the same disbelieving tone, staying still despite her body screaming to get to him, hold him, hug him, kiss him, just like she did when she never doubted she would get to do it again.
He shrugs again. ''Is it that important? I'm here. That's all that matters.''
His smile grows and she finds herself nodding at his words. It doesn't matter what happened, how he managed to get here, because he is, finally he's here, in front of her and she stops questioning and resisting as she starts running, her heart singing in her chest at the thought of being with him again. She reaches him, but instead of encountering a solid body, she feels herself go through him, as if he's nothing but air. The ground reaches up to meet her...
She bolts upright, a loud gasp escaping her lips. She feels disoriented and it takes her a few seconds to realize where she is. When she does, the disappointment is almost overwhelming and she feels tears prick her eyes. She can't do this. Damon used to be worried, afraid he'd lose her, but they never thought what would happen if she lost him.
''What am I supposed to do now, Damon?'' she asks the empty room. In her mind, Damon is smirking, looking at her as if the answer should be obvious. ''Well, it's not to me!'' she says loudly, not really caring about the fact that she's arguing with a figment of her imagination. She had told him once that she didn't know what she would have done if he wasn't here, and that statement holds even more truth now, now that she knows how it feels to be with him, to be loved by Damon Salvatore and allowing herself to return that love fully.
Is she supposed to just forget about him? Just mourn and then go on with her life? The idea doesn't even have time to truly form in her mind before she dismisses it as laughable, impossible. She could never forget him. He's a part of her and she simply can't live without him; it would be asking to live without her heart.
No, leaving him behind is not a choice. And it's with a certain clarity that she realizes what she has to do now. She supposes she always knew it, it was inevitable, only the determination needed time to come to the surface. She can't let him go, so she'll fight for him. She'll find a way to bring him back, no matter what it takes, because now she has experienced the alternative and it's unbearable. She'll fight for him, because that's what she does; that's what they do. They fight for each other, never letting each other go. She never gave up while Stefan was gone, poring over every lead they had and exhausting every possibility, and she'll be damned if she gives up where Damon is concerned.
She can feel her strength and resolve returning as the thoughts in her head become clearer. She still grieves, she's still in pain, but she's not quite lost anymore. She knows that she'll do whatever it takes, universe and the other side be damned. Because she's Elena and he's Damon and that's what they do.
We'll always survive.
A/N: Well, it looks like my muse seems to wake up after season finales in this show. I really wanted to write something after the last episode, and when I read there was going to be a time jump between now and the beginning of the next season, this happened. I really hope you enjoyed it. Reviews are more than appreciated; they're what motivates me to write more ;)