In the Harbor of Your Arms
by Trawniki
Disclaimer: Sadly, I own neither Tsuzuki nor Hisoka, let alone Yami no Matsuei. All hail Yoko Matsushita!
The hotel room was quiet.
It left too much room to think, and it was generally a very bad thing when he started thinking too deeply about something. It always boded nothing but ill.
Hisoka had curled up in an armchair, his chin resting on his knees, fingers twitching idly the sleeve of his shirt. Eyes closed so that he wouldn't have to look at his partner.
He didn't want to admit it at all, but their latest case made him feel just the tiniest bit miserable.
He kept telling himself it just had had too much to do with hospitals. The sterile smell of medicins, white walls and long corridors were all too familiar to him from before.
Luckily he hadn't had any time to get depressed about it until now.
Several inexplicable deaths among the patients of a big Nagasakian hospital had left the researchers and doctors in confusion. It had caused a huge mass hystery among the press, as no rational explanations had been found, nor tracks of new diseases.
It hadn't been a surprise, though, as the reason for the deaths had actually gone far beyond anything rational.
Nagasaki being a part of Kyushu section, Konoe had assigned him and Tsuzuki to investigate the deaths. Despite the curious reporters that were on their way all the time – or maybe more precisely because of them – they had solved the case rather quickly. Both of them wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible.
All they needed was a name from Kiseki and then the acces to the data system of the hospital.
Watari had helped them out a little there, and after finding the right patient room it had been like the majority of their cases.
Find the vengeful spirit, talk to it a little and then coax it into surrendering.
No fight had been needed.
Tsuzuki had done the talking this time, convincing the spirit of a young girl ( she'd died in that hospital a couple of years ago, as she'd told them ) of the fact that it was time to move on, since Hisoka lacked the patience.
Tsuzuki always joked that it was probably due to his low age.
He always smacked the man on the head as his response.
Then Tsuzuki would get all whiny and teary until he'd – grudginly – give the man the leftovers of his dessert. He didn't actually like anything overly sweet, but the amount of sugar Tsuzuki hoovered into his stomach every day couldn't be good for health.
Even a shinigami couldn't take that much sugar into their system, right?
So he kept on giving Tsuzuki lectures about eating sweets, and the man never seemed to take his advice seriously.
It was the same with Tsuzuki always whining that he shouldn't read so much, and even though he wouldn't even lift his gaze from a book, Tsuzuki never got mad. Sometimes the man simply dragged him out to have a walk under the ever-blooming cherry trees of Meifu, saying he needed some sunlight and fresh air.
Hisoka had grown to like those quiet, peaceful walks. They were a perfect chance for him to bask in the kindness of the older shinigami.
Even if it was a bit pitiable, somehow it felt really good to know there was someone who cared for him at least a little. There was a certain someone he could lean on and for once not be abandoned or shoved away.
He'd learnt to care and trust, and it hadn't certainly been easy.
Caring brought always pain. It brought stupid, unnecessary worries and uncertainity and made him more vulnerable.
Slowly, Hisoka opened his green eyes. Tsuzuki was sitting on the couch, watching absent-mindedly tv.
Shame. Guilt. Sadness. Even the space between the two of them couldn't dampen the feelings his partner was now fiercely projecting.
It was getting irritating.
It made his head ache and, moreover, doubled his own misery. Two persons angsting about the same thing was just something he wasn't able to take very well yet. Even though Konoe had given him some training in controlling his empathy, his shields hadn't become strong enough.
So Tsuzuki moping over the case as well wasn't really required.
"Stop that," Hisoka snapped and stood up from the armchair.
"Stop what?" his partner asked, startled, and glanced at him, looking as cheerful as ever.
"You already know it damn well!" Hisoka raised his voice and found himself becoming even angier when Tsuzuki gave no response. He stormed to the window, biting his lower lip as he felt the cool glass against his cheek.
A tiny voice inside his head made a remark that he was acting like an idiot. He didn't pay too much attention to it.
"Have you accidentally forgotten I'm an empath?" the boy snarled.
Had the idiot forgotten that he cared? Forgotten it wasn't right to leave him outside like that? He just wanted to help, nothing else, but obviously Tsuzuki thought he was too young or too dense to understand.
"Sorry, Hisoka." He heard Tsuzuki sigh softly. The tv was turned off. "I just didn't want to worry you."
"Idiot. I am already worried." He was worried and felt stupid and guilty and why wouldn't Tsuzuki just see that it hurt him when the man didn't tell him what was wrong?
"It's nothing", his partner declared, sounding all honest and innocent. Hisoka turned to glare daggers at him.
"Uh. Well." Swallow. "See, that girl just made me feel bad, okay? It's no biggie."
Hisoka muttered something snappish under his breath.
"Really! I mean it!" Tsuzuki got up and crept slowly closer to the boy. Hisoka decided to remain silent and go back to staring out of the window. The sky was already turning dark.
They could have gone home hours ago.
"Don't be mad at me." The tone was pleading, and Hisoka didn't have to look at Tsuzuki to know the puppy look was on the man's face again.
It didn't fool him anymore. He'd already seen right behind that stupid mask.
Solitude. Despair. Fear.
The pain awakened by old memories.
The emotions floating through the room were strong, they were floating through him.
They could've been his own feelings. He wasn't really sure if they were.
After all, he wasn't the only one in the room who had some kind of issues with hospitals.
For three years he had lain on his bed, the days full of ineffectual treatments when his own breaking body had slowly let him down.
Alone, scared and in pain, he had waited for his parents to show up, for anyone to come and say everything would be alright and he shouldn't be afraid, because the doctors would find a cure for his ilness.
Of course, no one had come. There hadn't been any way to save him from the curse that Muraki had cast on him.
He had died but he hadn't been willing to let go of the living world.
So he had become a shinigami.
And he'd got himself a partner that was possibly the stupidest and laziest good-for-nothing ever.
That same partner was currently looking at him eyes wide and begging. Tsuzuki could be so childish sometimes.
Probably it was due to his high age.
"I'm not mad at you," he finally said and saw thousands of stars light up in his partner's purple eyes.
"Yay!" Moving faster than light, Tsuzuki was suddenly beside him and glomped him. The man was smiling hugely and radiated unmistakably sheer contentment.
Hisoka couldn't understand how someone was able to be so depressed at one moment and then, a minute later, all hyper and happy.
Or was it just the mask?
Empathy wasn't a power to be fooled. Feelings weren't something one could change like that, and still, he couldn't be sure. Tsuzuki was a puzzle he couldn't figure out.
The boy gritted his teeth and gave his partner a brief hug before struggling free. The sudden loss of the warmth of Tsuzuki's feelings made him shiver. Alone, he was just like a cold and empty shell to be filled with someone other's feelings.
"It's not something to be so happy about," he mumbled and was about to return to the armchair, when a gentle hand grasped his.
"Well, you always say I'm an idiot," Tsuzuki grinned and pulled him back to the hug. Hisoka didn't resist too violently and rested his head on the man's shoulder instead, hiding his face. The smell of Tsuzuki's shirt was familiar, it made him think of home.
"Seems like your not the only one here." His voice sounded choked even in his own ears. It was so ridiculous.
So embarrassing.
"It's okay. We've had a long day, you know." Tsuzuki's words and the fingers stroking his hair were soothing, comforting him like nothing else could. The sudden urge to cry was almost unbearable and his throat was closing up, but he wasn't certainly going to make a fool of himself in front of Tsuzuki again.
Not again.
"I just can't help but think how it was like back then," he managed to whisper after a moment of silence.
"Shh. I understand." He was lifted up easily, and Tsuzuki carried him to the couch like a child, letting him stay in his arms. Cradling him and he thought it was the safest place in the world.
"It's okay to feel bad sometimes, Hisoka,"the man murmured.
Caring. Kindness. Slight concern.
At times good feelings were as awful as the bad ones. Hisoka wasn't used to them and he didn't know how to handle them without becoming so ridiculously miserable himself.
For him, good feelings had always meant something that was out of his reach. It was like being a child standing in front of a toy shop. You could see the toys but never have them. You could see all the other children getting toys.
And you would get nothing.
But it was different now. Tsuzuki really felt something for him, and that something wasn't anger, hate or contempt. His partner didn't think of him as a monster or a freak.
Slowly, even a bit reluctantly, Hisoka wrapped his arms around his partner's neck and moved even closer to him. He wasn't intending to cry, all he needed was a glimpse of Tsuzuki's warmth.
Like a parasite.
"I'm sorry for being such a wimp." Sorry for being a burden. Sorry for never growing up.
"Don't be. You can cry." Tsuzuki's tender voice was persuading. So soft, so familiar.
"I don't want to." There he was again, acting like a stupid child and he was so ashamed.
"Maybe you should. I'm here for you." A hand stopped soothing his back and searched his chin, lifting it up to make his eyes meet Tsuzuki's purple ones. He refused to look back.
"No." His voice was choking again. Choking and cracking and it would always be like that, since his body didn't age. His voice would always break and become high-pitched just when he needed it the least.
He would always be the child. Selfish, stupid and craving for love and acceptance.
"Come on, Hisoka. You don't have to hide your feelings around me." The hand didn't let go of his chin, the eyes didn't stop seeking for his.
"You have enough things to mope over on your own. This isn't your business anyway." Hisoka shook his head, suddenly wanting to get away from the situation. Away from that warmth.
He didn't deserve it anyway.
"It is. Because you're my partner, remember?" Tsuzuki smiled brightly again, ruffling his hair just a little.
They were partners. It was always the same reason Tsuzuki gave him, when he asked why the other had to care.
Just partners. Were they nothing more?
He had said once that Tsuzuki had given him something he'd never had before.
A family.
The man had lazed his way into his heart and accepted him, made him care.
Of course it had been just when Tsuzuki had decided to run off to Tohda's flames and burn himself to death.
He had saved his partner out of selfishness, and at times he hated himself for having done so. Tsuzuki would have been redeemed without his stupid deed.
He would have been left alone again.
"Yeah.." Hisoka remembered all too well and he wasn't crying, was he? Something was just stinging in his eyes and then running on his cheeks, it had nothing to do with crying.
Tsuzuki's hands had gone back to holding him close, smoothing his wheat brown hair. The man was murmuring reassuring words in his ear, but he didn't quite catch their meaning. All he knew was that he was humiliating himself by sobbing his heart out in Tsuzuki's shirt.
Just like a child. For no decent reason.
And Tsuzuki let him cry, waiting patiently till his tears had subsided. The man cupped his face with his fingers and dried his cheeks gently.
"Better now?"
Acceptance. Fondness. Not quite but love something that made him feel good.
Hisoka couldn't help but smile slightly and nod.
"Good. Want to order some dessert?" Tsuzuki's smile grew even wider.
"Okay." But just because Tsuzuki wanted it.
And he could always tease the man with his leftovers.