About Unicorns and Saviors
I'm going to heaven, Clarence!
She chokes out a laugh through the blood pooling in her mouth. She hopes he cannot hear her.
She hopes he can.
She can feel the life leaving her, death coming for her again after all these years. At least this time she has actually lived.
He wasn't catatonic at the start. He was afraid and remorseful and full of pain, but he was awake. He feared her at first, but soon enough he instead listened to her and let her distract him from the madness.
He called her beautiful. It was ridiculous, he could see her face, her true one - her soul projecting to the outside. She was ugly and broken to the point where torture felt like salvation.
She sat at his bedside waiting for him to wake up, and then he did, and he was okay. As okay as one can be after going through that. He loathed violence now, and he should have loathed her because that was all she was. Violence, pain, torment, Azazel's daughter and Lucifer's daughter, a demon.
But he did not loathe her, he called her beautiful. It made her want to laugh and giggle. It filled her up with a feeling she should not even have been able to feel. It hurt the best pain and she was stupid to have ever thought hell could be redemption.
The kiss was meant to be nothing more than a tool, a way to get what she wanted. Instead she found herself pressed against a wall with his rough lips pushing against hers insistently and his tongue in her mouth. He tasted like grace and light - all the things she should not have ever felt.
She had sold her soul and learned to torture under Alistair. She was one of the oldest demons, she was evil. And yet here was an angel not repulsed by her but instead kissing her.
The first time she saw him he was standing inside a ring of fire. Lucifer had told her to watch him, and she was going to, because she would do anything for her King and Savior and God. But Castiel was alluring still - peculiar yet terrible to look at.
Angels were something to fear after all, something to run away from. They burned with light so bright it could burn a demon just looking at them, their touch was so hot it incinerated. Demons were used to the cold burning through hell.
He had explained prayers to her while they were in the hospital. A prayer meant for an angel would reach that angel, regardless of the name. Names differed between cultures and religions after all, but intention could send anything to the right place.
A prayer to a name the angel considered theirs however? That would be clear in their mind, louder than other prayers.
He had pretended he would kiss her. She was always up for kissing, up for any torment that did not cause physical pain (Alistair had trained her well). Instead he pushed her backwards into the holy fire.
It burned terribly. The antithesis of hellfire, cleansing where hellfire was corrupting and hot where hellfire was cold as ice. He stomped over her back like a fucking god and did not even look back at her because she was so far beneath him.
She could never have reached him, as high as he was, farther than the sun or stars.
The next time she looked at Lucifer she thought about Castiel's words, and as much as she adored Lucifer, compared to Castiel he was nothing.
Castiel was broken and beautiful. Her angel, her savior. Ruined by heaven and tormented by guilt, but he picked her up and carried her away from her room of torture. He acts different around Dean, but the same around her.
He didn't kill her once she had told him all she needed to know. Instead he cleaned her wounds.
"Why are you so sweet on me Clarence?" she asks. She doesn't deserve his attention, she doesn't deserve the wonderful life he's given her.
He tells her he doesn't know, and in that moment she feels a spark of hope, because why else would he do this? She shakes it off - there's no chance in hell or heaven, because they're born enemies.
He's a pretty face and fun to flirt with, all awkwardness and stumbled words. He's so much more than that. He's beautiful, he's fucking holy, an angel in the truest sense of the word.
She longs to just be herself again, to know who she is. She longs for everything to be simple and straightforward.
She tells him that she's a bit good and that it sucks.
The former is a truth, the latter is a lie. She can feel some light in the twisted mess that is supposed to be a soul, something taping together the broken shards, and she knows it is him - his grace, his light, his love that he's given her so willingly.
It hurts and it's confusing, but really it's mostly fantastic. It's fucking salvation right there in front of her, and though she knows she's caused too much chaos to ever truly reach it, it is still so wonderful.
She asks Sam about the girl he loved, his unicorn, about why he fell in love with her. And then the demons show up, and they kill them. They make a good team, though not as good as she makes with the angel.
She tells him to save her unicorn, and understanding flashes in his eyes. A one-of-a-kind love, a unique love, a love that isn't supposed to exist.
But he's her unicorn and he fucking saved her, and now she gets to save him.
She proposes him, thinks he will not understand anyway, but he does. He agrees, and for a moment she thinks he'll kiss her, but then those stupid Winchesters interfere and she hates them for it, because she needed her savior right now.
She steals a kiss anyway, and again the light fills her up and heals her. She finds it hard to pull away.
He tells Sam to protect her. She scoffs at the words, she's a demon, she doesn't need protection. But it's Castiel asking, her unicorn asking, her love asking, so she accepts and feels more light fill her up.
She watches him go and at that moment she realizes she won't see him again. A revelation in the arms of death, before she even knows Crowley will find them.
Thorny beauty, that's what he said she possessed, and now while dying she finally believes him. Because the soul just stabbed with that angel blade is lighter than it ever was in her first life, and she can see the reaper waiting for her.
Souls destined for hell do not get a choice.
She thought she'd disappear, had made her peace with it, but this is even better. Maybe she'll see him again. Maybe he'll visit her, take her up on that offer she made in a moment of weakness.
Salvation, redemption, restoration.
I'm going to heaven, Clarence!