Chapter 1: Pilot
It was a rainy day in Dayton, Ohio. One of the wettest days we might have. I was in my bed asleep, bundled up all inside my Mario Kart cover. As soon as my alarm clock rang, I grabbed it and chucked it out the window. I hit the crazy old man that lives next door. He yelled, "Goddammit, Derek! That's the fifth time this week you chucked something at me! Do it again and I'll call the police!" I poked my head out the window and yelled, "Suck my dick!" I hopped in the shower, getting ready for a town hall meeting. My house phone rang, but I couldn't answer it at the moment, so it went to voicemail. Isaiah called and left a voicemail saying: 'Derek, don't be late to the town hall meeting. We have a VIP visiting all the way from Spain, and I don't want her getting a bad impression.' I walked out of the shower all clean and skittle-scented. I dried up quickly, put on my black suit and got in the car. My engine wouldn't start, so I had to bang on the gas roof a few times. That's when my car drove backwards by itself and crashed into the crazy old man's house. I asked, "Ok, first of all, how the fuck did it hit his house and he lives right next to me?" The crazy old man came back from his yoga class and screamed onto the top of his lungs. (Screaming) "Derek! Bring that ass here, boy!" I said, "(Sigh) What the hell do you want, Crazy Joe?" "I wanna know how the hell did you obliterate my house?! It took me six months to build that shit! I spent $85,000 worth of supplies for that house! And now, I demand immediate payment." I walked away and said, "You can go suck the fattest of dicks!" So 45 minutes later, I finally made it to the town hall meeting. My boss, Karla, offered me a donut. "Hey, Derek," said Karla with a huge smile. "Hey." Karla said, "Ok, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get started on this month's meeting. First, I would like to introduce to you the Princess of Spain, Angel. Angel, say hi to everyone." "Hi," she said in an angelic voice. Karla continued with her speech. "So, as of the rest of this month, we need to triple our effort in order to increase our profits. Does anyone have any ideas?" Isaiah said, "I got one. How about we have a bank-brain?" Karla said, "What the hell is a bank-brain?" "It's whoever gets the amount of money right that's in a jar gets to keep it. Besides, this is the best bank in Dayton." Anthony said, "True, true. But don't forget what happened last week." Angel asked, "What happened last week?" "We got robbed," I said with a smile. "But luckily, Derek pistol-whipped his shit and just started going ham all over his face. It... was… hilarious!" exclaimed Karla. "Eh, I guess I was the shit… But seriously, my idea is that we have our 1st annual bank-off. Allow me to explain. We set up a certain amount of events, but we charge people around $50 to enter, and the winner or winners get a $50 gift card to Walmart. Heh? Heh? Heh?" I said. Karla said, "That's the dumbest idea ever!" 3 days later, we went along with my idea. "This is brilliant! I'm sorry for calling your idea retarded." I said while blushing a little, "Aw. It's ok, and besides, you could use a little vacation every once in a while." "True", she said back. Treymaine walked in 4 hours late for work. Karla flipped off on him and yelled, "Treymaine, where in the fuckery have you been?! You're four hours late!" He said, "Oh, my bad. See what happened was, I had a bad bitch named Cinnamon over and I just wanted to see what that mouth do." Karla said, "Yuck! You're disgusting. Just shut up and get to work before I fire you." I told everybody about the new event that was happening at the club down the street. Isaiah asked, "Hold up. So what you sayin' is that Chris Brown is performing at the club 2 days from now? You lyin'!" Sonia barged in and screamed, "OMG, Chris Brown is coming to Dayton to perform his new song! I'm goin' backstage and I'm gonna greet him personally." I said, "See? I knew you was nothin' but a hoe. All you do is fuck dudes. If you get pregnant by 7 other niggas, I'm a start rolling." So after work, we all headed to the bar and got a couple of drinks. Afterwards, I came home sleepy as fuck and my girlfriend, Bianca, carried me all the way to the bedroom. She whispered, "I'm about to wake you up with my mouth." I ain't gon lie, even I knew where this shit was about to head up to. She grabs my dick and starts jacking me off. (Bomp) (Flap) (Flap) (Fap) (Fap) (Fap) "Oh, shit! Best handjob ever. TURTLESHELL!" I nutted all over her hands and she rubbed it on her titties.