author's note: uploading from my ao3. request from tumblr.
Lapis curls up on the ground next to the couch, clutching her head and digging her nails into her scalp, as though she can dig into her head and take out all the constantly refreshing memories. Her mind was taking her back to places she didn't want to go for the fifth time that day and she couldn't take it any more. She flinches as Steven kneels down beside her and gently pats her arm.
"It's okay, Lapis," he whispers timidly. "It's not real, remember?"
Lapis tenses up and he takes his hand away. Lapis hears him sit back and scooted away from her. She isn't sure if she wants space or not but she can't seem to string the rights word together to ask him to come back.
She knows it's not real. They'd explained it to her over and over, but she still couldn't stop feeling like it really was happening all over again. The voices she hears sound so real, it seems as though the rooms sometimes really do transform into the bad places, sometimes it takes hours for the feeling of being completely trapped to leave, even when she lies in the middle of the beach. Now, she could really feel the pain she once felt searing through her body again. She could hear their harsh voices circling in her head and she could swear her gem was being scraped away at again. It was easy for them to tell her it wasn't real when they weren't her.
They had no idea. Not even Steven knew why she lay on the floor crying this time. She wishes she could be as clueless as they were, but she never really was.
She knew more about Homeworld's torture methods than most gems did, even before she was on the receiving end of it. While they'd obviously modernized some aspects, they remained mostly the same. It isn't just the fact that it happened to her that haunts her, but the fact that she did the same to so many others. In between the flashes of her torture she was forced to remember the faces and voices of treacherous gems cowering before her and her comrades, begging for mercy and forgiveness but it never being granted. She'd never felt an inkling of sympathy or pity for any of them as far as she could remember, so how could she expect that her tormentors would do the same?
"You deserved it," she tells herself. "You deserve this."
A new voice surfaces over the screaming and crying inside her head, followed by the familiar voice of Steven. She opens an eye and peeks over her shoulder slowly. Through the blur she sees Garnet, towering over both her and Steven. She quickly shuts her eyes and curls up tighter, breathing out raggedly.
"Sapphire," she mutters through gritted teeth.
"Sapphire?" she hears Steven repeat and she nods.
"I want to talk to her."
"You wanna talk to... Sapphire?"
Lapis nods again.
"Um, Garnet," says Steven. "Lapis wants to talk to Sapphire."
"Just let me talk to her," Lapis growls desperately, raising her voice.
But before she can hear a reply, she loses herself again. The rooms closes in on her and her head fills with screams and shouts, drowning out Steven's voice and reducing it to nothing but white noise. She pulls at her hair and cries, trying to will herself to move to prove that she isn't trapped any more but she can't. The chains won't go away this time.
She isn't sure how long has passed but eventually she feels someone kneel beside her and another gentle hand rest on her shoulder.
"I'm here," says a familiar soft voice and Lapis relaxes, looking up as she slowly uncurls herself.
As her vision beings to clear, she sits up and studies the gem sitting before her, realising that it's just the two of them now. Sapphire hasn't changed much since she last saw her. The only thing that's different her dress, the diamond emblem has been removed, of course. Lapis stares at her for a moment, before she throws herself at her, clinging to her and burying her face in her chest as she sobs. Sapphire holds her close, gently stroking her hair as she pats her back.
"You're safe," Sapphire whispers to her. "She can't hurt you any more. We won't let her. I promise, Lapis."
"I-It's not her," Lapis manages to say between sobs. "It isn't a-always ab-about her!"
Sapphire freezes and Lapis pulls away from her, sitting back and wiping her eyes. "S-She's not the only reason I-I'm like this," she says, frowning. "You really think being locked in a mirror for millennia has nothing to do with this?!"
"I never said that, Lapis. We've been over this," says Sapphire, reaching out to take Lapis's hands. Lapis snatches them away from her and hugs her protectively.
"Do you know what they did to me when I got home?" Lapis asks, closing her eyes as she feels herself starting to shake again.
Sapphire says nothing, but looks down and shifts around uncomfortably.
"You and I know better than anyone what they do to traitors or gems with information."
"I know, I-I'm..." Sapphire trails off and sighs. "I'm sorry they put you through that. You don't need to talk about it if it upsets you."
"I thought maybe t-they'd-," Lapis stops to sob again. "Maybe they'd g-go easy on me. Maybe she'd see me and r-remember who I was but... she did. She just d-didn't care!"
"I'm sorry," whispers Sapphire.
"I had no idea how it felt. Looking up at seeing them watch me just made it worse. I can't believe I used to do that. How am I ever s-supposed to forgive myself?!" Lapis cries, hiding her face in her hands. "Have you?"
"Forgiven myself?"
Lapis nods.
"No. Never," Sapphire laments. "I haven't been able to get it off my mind since Peridot and Jasper nearly took us back. I knew what would happen if we got back."
"She wouldn't just break you," Lapis mutters bitterly. "Like she wouldn't just break me. Even when I begged them to."
"She wouldn't. The rest would have been, but me... no. She would want the satisfaction of seeing me suffer."
"I deserved it," Lapis whispers. "I deserve this."
"No you don't," Sapphire says, reaching out to take one of her hands again. "You've been through enough already. You didn't do anything to make you 'deserve' what they put you through."
Lapis stares at the small hand holding hers and sighs. "But I did all those horrible things... I watched innocent gems being tortured and never did anything about it!" she cries. "I'd even r-rat them out to her, as though I wanted to see them suffer. Of course I deserve to go through what I put them through! Isn't it only fair?"
Sapphire says nothing and looks away. Lapis pulls her hand away again and brings her knees to her chest, resting her head on them.
"The things we've done in the past don't have to define us now," Sapphire says, her voice soft and hushed. "We didn't know any better."
"That's easy to say when you haven't been on the receiving end of it," mumbles Lapis, glaring at her through her bangs. "I bet the gems who shoved faulty gem destabilizers into me didn't know any better either. And you 'Crystal Gems' clearly don't know any better if you have no problem keeping a gem trapped in a mirror for thousands of years."
"Lapis, we told you, that wasn't us," says Sapphire. "I had no idea Pearl even had that mirror. We were just scared you were corrupted. I would never have le-"
"Save it!" Lapis snaps. "You don't care about other gems, none of you do!"
"If that's true then why do you think I made Ruby let us search the ocean for you almost every night for the past few months?"
Lapis doesn't respond.
"You don't have to believe me, but I promise you, we aren't the ones who put you in the mirror. I'm sorry I didn't save you sooner," Sapphire sits back and parts her bangs slowly. "Again, you choose what you want to believe."
"Sorry," Lapis mutters, looking up at her. "It's just hard. I can't get over all the bad things that happened."
"You don't need to apologise. I understand how you feel. That's how we all felt after the war. I promise things will get better over time. It doesn't last forever."
"Thanks," Lapis says flatly, but she smiles. "Can I have some space?"
"Of course," Sapphire says as she stands up. "Are you sure you'll be okay by yourself?"
"I'm sure. Thanks for talking to me."
Sapphire smiles back at her. "It's fine. If you ever need me again, you know where I am."
Lapis nods and watches as she walks towards the temple door before stepping into it and closing it behind her. She sits up against the couch, staring at the hand Sapphire held and smiles again.