DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING FROM THE 100 TV SERIES OR BOOK SERIES. I'm just a fan!
A/N: I actually wrote this over a year ago and recently found it. It's funny, because today I had just been bored fangirling and looking up how in this episode Bellamy and Clarke were considered parallels with Lexa and Gustus - how both Gustus and Bellamy would do whatever was necessary for their leader. I wrote this piece right after that episode (2x09) where Clarke tells Bellamy it's worth the risk for him to go into Mount Weather.
I was really affected by Bellamy's expression and how he seemed angry at her change in demeanor. This was my one-shot drabble of his feelings after the fact!
.Humanity.
A One-Shot
After Raven briefed them on entrances and surveillance, Bellamy and Lincoln walked side by side, towards the edge of camp near a torch - so they could get a more clear look at the map of Mount Weather and choose their strategy. Bellamy's brow was furrowed and his gait was tense. Lincoln picked up on this easily and spoke as they crouched down, opening the paper. "You sure you are up for this? You seem concerned." His voice was husky and he made eye contact. Lincoln had always been an intense individual and his gaze was almost smothering. Bellamy looked over his shoulder just in time to see Clarke exchange some words with her mother in the distance and walk away to enter a building with Lexa closely following. Abby's back was to him, but he could tell she was shooken up.
"It's not me I'm worried about." Bellamy admitted with a sigh, turning his attention back around to the map now open on the ground in front of them. Lincoln peered over briefly to the building Clarke had entered - the command center. "Clarke?" He asked, although it sounded more like a rough statement. Bellamy nodded once.
"She is becoming a strong leader." Lincoln added and Bellamy's brow was furrowed again. He finally looked at Lincoln directly.
"Yeah, at what cost?" He didn't mean to sound as irritated as he did, but Lincoln didn't visibly seem taken back by it.
"...You're mad at her for asking this of you." Lincoln offered. Bellamy bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from snapping.
"That's not... just never mind." He growled. Lincoln's cultural background wasn't going to let him understand what the issue was. Even if it would - it's not like they were the best of friends. Just because they were on the same side now and Bellamy trusted him, doesn't mean he wanted to play tea party and talk about his feelings. It wasn't that Clarke asked him to do this mission. Bellamy had wanted this mission. He wasn't affraid and he would do anything to get his people back. It was how she told him to do it. There was no asking, she was demanding. She was cold, she was non-chalant about it... that person was not Clarke.
"I was being weak."
It almost gave him the chills. Even though Bellamy had wanted to take more abrasive action, he could admit to himself that he was touched Clarke had wanted him safe. And whether he "takes orders from her" or not, he had backed off because she had become his family. And if she wanted him with her instead, he would do it. That's who she was. She was compassionate, she was forgiving. She made her choices based on what was best for everyone - what she sincerely thought was best. Clarke was one of the strongest people he knew. The fact that she would refer to herself as weak for caring about someone - for caring about him? It struck something inside of him. Not necessarily fear: but close to it.
The grounders were savages. They see hesitation and emotions as weakness. But, it's mercy that's true strength. It's friends, family and the care you feel for them that's real. What the hell is life worth living for if you don't give a damn about anyone or anything? Isn't that why they were rescuing all of their people? It took Bellamy a long time to learn this - he had plenty of skeletons and regret in his closet, but he knew it now. Octavia wasn't his only family. They all were. And he sure as hell wasn't going to turn off his humanity now.
He hoped to whatever kind of god out there that Clarke doesn't either. He hoped that this is just her wall she has to put up for now until the sting of Finn's death is gone. Because, he would never say it outloud, but the way she looked at him when she handed him the instructions and told him that his death was worth the risk... it hurt. More than he would even admit to himself.
"I can't lose you too, ok?"
Bellamy was pulled from his thoughts by Lincoln's firm hand on his shoulder. The former-grounder looked aggravated, "Are you paying attention? Because believe it or not I'm actually trying to help you live through this." He gestured to the map with his other hand. "Either spit out your thoughts or let it go and listen up."
Bellamy cleared his throat and nodded once, "Sorry."
Lincoln's expression was irritated, but his eyes signaled that if Bellamy really had something to say he would listen. And Bellamy had no doubt he really would. But, he wasn't the type to spill his guts and he prepared himself to be fully invested in their plan.
He will be strong. He will get in. He will fight for his people. He will fight for her like he always does. And he will pray deep down that when he comes back she will still be the same girl that he has always fought for, because he didn't want to lose her either.