No, no, no. She can't be gone. I'm only 23 years old. How is it possible that my wife is gone? Congenital heart disease, they whispered. Undetected. Her heart stopped. So tragic. So young. Widower…that's what her family said in hushed tones. We just started talking about having a baby and just bought a home, where she spent every spare minute looking at paint colors and fabric samples, trying to decide what our "style" was…but now I don't want to go back there.
I can't face it. Can't face the spot in the kitchen where she so carefully chose the dishes with just the right amount of teal in the paisley, or the perfect hardware for the drawers. Where she would sneak up behind me when I was cooking her breakfast and kiss my neck, or where she would grab my hand and dance randomly to a song on the radio.
That kitchen will now always be the spot where she drew her last breath in my arms, and where she told me she loved me for what would be the final time.
I first met Lauren when she was at my college taking pictures. I was 22 and studying Criminal Justice, so that I could one day become a detective with a police department, preferably in the city, but a smaller town would do if that's where a job was located. She snapped my photo with me dressed in my uniform just before my graduation that would be held in just a few days. Her long chestnut hair blowing in the breeze and her shy smile captured my attention. I had never really been in a serious relationship before. Sure, I had been on some dates that Zeke forced me to go on, but she was the first person to ever turn my head and make me see that maybe this relationship thing wasn't so bad.
We went out for coffee after I went back the next day, pretending to wait for my friends Zeke and Shauna to be done with their pictures, and that was when our relationship began. It was a whirlwind love story, with us engaged in just 6 months and married just 4 months after that. Of course, in the small town where she grew up, and we eventually made our home, the rumors flew, but we just knew, and didn't see the point in wasting time not being together. I thought she was it for me, and I didn't want to waste a second of not being with her, whether it was working in the yard together, walking around our neighborhood, holding her hand while we watched a movie, or simply sleeping by her side. In hindsight, maybe there was some small subconscious part of me that was trying to prepare me for what was to come, and telling me to cherish the time I had with her.
Little did I know, our time together would be cut incredibly short, just over a year in total, actually.
I wonder if the mail has run yet. As I pulled my patrol vehicle into the drive, I admired our small home with pride. Cozy, Lauren had called it, HOME. I just called home anywhere where she was. After placing my keys and mail on the foyer table, I made my way to the kitchen to see her looking at pictures scattered on the counter, while absentmindedly stirring the pasta on the stove. I crept up behind her and gave her my usual cliche greeting that she loved.
"Honey, I'm home," I whispered in her ear as I wrapped my arms around her.
She kissed my cheek and I could tell her thoughts were far away as she muttered a "Hi, baby" back to me.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, just tired. Hey, listen, I have some stuff to tell you after dinner, but let's eat first. I'm starving." She shook her head a bit seemingly to clear it and put down the pictures. She put on a small smile for me, and I hoped that whatever was bothering her, she'd tell me. I knew she didn't like for me to see her upset.
"Okay. I missed you today," I said as I nuzzle into her neck. "I'll take the pasta to the table."
"Thanks…hey can you get the salad when you are done? I just need to get a basket for the garlic bread from the pantry."
"Anything you need."
I was in the dining room setting the table, thinking how incredible my life was. I wondered if she had to tell me something about her doctor's appointment. She had one this week to make sure everything was healthy for us to have a baby. What if she's already pregnant and that's the news? I never imagined I would want to have children, since my father and I didn't have the best relationship, and I came from a totally dysfunctional family, but I see my own family as possible now.
My thoughts were shattered by a loud thump from the kitchen.
"Lauren?" I called to her. No answer. "Lauren? Babe?" I called, a little more frantic this time. I turned the corner in the kitchen to see my wife lying on the floor of the kitchen, not moving. I rushed to her side and grabbed for a phone, her cell phone, still playing the music she was listening to while she cooked. While I got an ambulance on the way, she came to enough to talk to me.
"I need to…tell you…" she whispered so lowly I almost couldn't hear her.
"It's okay, baby, you can tell me later. Just save your strength, please, I love you. Just hang on. They'll be here soon, I know it."
"Tobias, my heart…the doctor said…I love you…" and with that her eyes closed, my precious wife breathed her last breath, and left me.
"Four, man…" I hear the voice of my best friend Zeke and the ridiculous nickname he gave me when we were kids that somehow stuck. I look up from where I sit on the pew of the church after the funeral with my head in my hands. How am I going to go on? I can't do this…I can't.
"Zeke," I breathe out just before I lose it yet again. I tried not to let everyone see me such a mess, but Zeke has seen me at my worst before…hungover, worn out from physical training, torn apart during my parents' divorce, sporting a black eye a few times when my dad had too much to drink and took it out on me.
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and stand to face him as he embraces me and pats me on the back. I take a deep breath and pull back to look him in the eye. "I don't think I can do it Zeke."
"Come on, man. I'm not even gonna give you a bunch of bullshit about how you will get over it and find someone new and get back on your feet. I won't even tell you that you have to go back to that house, because, man, if it were Shauna…" he trails off as his eyes fill with tears and he looks away. He sighs and turns back to me. "Just know you have people who care about you, and whatever you need, you know I'm here. You're my brother, and I'm here."
I nod, nearly speechless at the pouring of emotion from my usually happy, witty best friend. "We should go, I guess. I'm sure they need to lock up or something."
He nods slowly, putting his arm around my shoulders. "Come on, I'll drive you back."
"Can I just go with you? To your hotel I mean? Can you get me some clothes or something from the house? I just…I can't go back there right now. I know I'll have to…she wouldn't want me to be like this, but I just…"
"Say no more. I told you, you're my brother, and whatever you need, I'll do. How about I get Uriah to go pick up some stuff for you from the house? Or maybe I should send Shauna with him. You know, there's no telling what my crazy little brother might come back with. He'd have you dressing in board shorts and flip flops and it's November!"
I have to crack a smile at his deduction about his brother. The Pedrad brothers are nothing if not comical, and though they are the complete opposite of my stoic, serious nature, they tend to bring out a lighter side of me. Zeke could always make me laugh, even when it seemed I was having the worst of days, and today certainly fell into that category.
It's been a month. A month since she left me alone. Zeke and Shauna finally convinced me to go back to the house, but Shauna is packing up the kitchen for me. I know now is not the time to be making life changing decisions, but I can't stay there. I have been back to the house. I've faced the house and everything that screams her name to me. I've gathered every picture we took in our short time together. Her sister took the carefully selected teal paisley dishes and I gave her nephew the speaker to her phone that she used in the kitchen so often.
"Hey, Four, what about her studio?" Shauna asks me, bringing me out of my daze..
"Oh, ah, I don't know, weren't you wanting to do photography on the side or something Shauna? You and Marlene? If you do, take the equipment. Otherwise, it will probably just go with the house." I thought I remembered Shauna and Uriah's girlfriend, Marlene, discussing it with Lauren a while ago, around the time of our wedding.
"But Four…"
"No buts, she would have wanted someone to use it. Someone she knew and cared about. Please, just take it, all of it. Consider it an early Christmas present."
With that, I turn to finish taking the few items I wanted from the house. The realtor would be here tomorrow for the new owners to get the keys.
It's time. I sigh as I close the door to my truck and start the engine, easing out onto the highway. It's time to go back. Back to the city where I began, where not everything will remind me of her. Where maybe I can breathe again, and will start my new job next week. Where my best friends, who are more like brothers to me, will be close by to keep me from wallowing in my grief. Where maybe my nightmares about how I couldn't keep my wife alive will leave me alone. Where maybe I can start over and become myself again.