Author's notes- First of all, don't blame me, blame the crew over at Subreality. After all of the crap that's going on in Florida, we decided in chat that the easiest way decide the election would be with a ladder match, and this damn story popped out. This is all them, so to paraphrase Stephen King, "For what you like, thank them. For what you hate, blame what I lost in the translation.
Disclaimer- Jim "JR" Ross, Jerry "The King" Lawler, Right to Censor, Chris "Y2J" Jericho, Mick Foley, and the WWF belong to WWF Entertainment, and Al Gore, Joe Lieberman, George W. Bush, and Dick Cheney belong either to themselves or the Democratic and Republican parties, respectively. No money is being made off of this, and anyone is welcome to archive it so long as I'm told, this notice is attached, and no profit is made.(If I can't make money off of this, neither can you.)
And in This corner
by Paul "Speedy" DeRohn
The atmosphere was charged with anticipation and electricity even before the dark matches started, and had built to a fever pitch by the time Raw was ready to begin. The final straw was the pyrotechnics blasting from the roof of the CoreState First Union center to signal the start of the show, and the crowd exploded into applause, many of them on their feet waving banners. Such behavior was usual for WWF fans, but Jim "JR" Ross had never heard such intensity. Tonight they had a reason to cheer. Their "Smack Down Your Vote" campaign had set political history, and tonight's show would do it again.
"Welcome to Raw is War," JR told the crowd and viewing audience as he did every week, "coming to you live from the sold out First Union Center in Philadelphia Pennsylvania. And boy do we have a show for you tonight."
"You got that right" Jerry "The King" Lawler broke in, speaking in a fast, high voice. "We finally got a response to the Smackdown challenge, and we get to figure everything out tonight, right here!"
JR laughed at the Smackdown joke, despite the fact that it had been bounced around the locker room all day. In fact, a lot of jokes had been made following the call between WWF Commissioner Mick Foley and the head of the Federal Election Commission. Most of those jokes had dried up when the Secret Service had shown up, leading the two Presidential candidates, as well as their runningmates.
"That's right, King. The candidates may not have wanted to admit that WWF fans can make a difference, but after the deadlock in Florida, the Federal Election Commission has decided to settle this unprecedented tie in an unprecedented way. That's why-"
*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE-CRASH*
The sound of a car crashing was followed immediately by the sounds of a bass guitar, and all eyes turned to the Titantron monitor and the plaid-shirted man coming out from under it. Mick Foley smiled for the crowd and raised his clenched fist, occasionally pointing to fans who were holding Mick Foley banners. Luckily the cameras were too far back for the fans to notice how forced Mick's smile looked. He had wanted to see the candidates square off inside a WWF ring, but this was NOT how he wanted the face-off to be.
"Hello City of Brotherly Love!" Mick said as he climbed into the ring, instinctively going for and getting the cheap `Yeah, I know how to read a road sign' pop from the crowd. "Great to be here, and I wish we had time to chat, but it seems we've got something important to talk about.
"You see, a couple hours ago I got a call from a friend of mine, who happens to be the head of the Federal Election Commission. It seems that they have a bit of, well, dead tie down in Florida, and my friend thought of the Smackdown Challenge that we issued a couple months ago. So that's why, tonight, right here in Philly, we're going to see the Presidency of the United States decided _in this very ring!_"
The crowd, most of whom had heard the news on CNN earlier, exploded. This was what they lived for.
Mick waited patiently for the furor to die down before continuing.
"Okay" he said finally. "okay. We have to get under way here. Tonight, we're gonna take the bible... You know, the one they use to swear in a new President. We're gonna take that bible, we're gonna hang it from the ceiling. Then, we're going to bring out the Presidential and Vice-presidential candidates, and the first team to climb up and get that bible WILL be our next president! Have a nice day!"
*Later that night*
"Welcome back to Raw, ladies and gentlemen." JR said as Raw came back from their final commercial. "It's been a hell of a night. We've already seen RTC lose the tag team titles to the Dudleys after interference by GW Bush's security team, Test beating Steve Blackman for the Hardcore championship thanks to a couple of overzealous Secret Service agents tazering the Lethal Weapon... And what the hell was Y2J thinking?"
"Yeah," King agreed. "he had to have realized what the nice men in the dark suits surrounding Al Gore were for, and he still.... Well, you can see for yourself."
Al Gore appeared on the Titantron. The camera pulled back, showing Gore in the middle of the ring, microphone in hand. Surrounding him were Secret Service Agents with their hands clasped in front of them, inscrutable behind their sunglasses.
"And this is exactly what I'm trying to fight against." Gore said passionately to the crowd. "Rather than figuring this out the right way, by the will of the American people, my friend Joe Lieberman and I are expected to *brawl* for the most important position in the world, while children watch! We can not tolerate this any longer. This is barbaric and wrong, and needs to be-"
The Vice-president and prospective Commander-In-Chief was interrupted by the buzzing countdown of Chris Jericho's introduction. As the numbers flashing on the Titantron hit zero, the lights went out around the arena. The Secret Service Agents scrambled to replace their sunglasses with night-vision goggles, and managed to get them in place just in time to be blinded by Jericho's pyros. Ripping the light-magnification lenses off, they dropped to canvas, most of them either blinking and screaming or blissfully knocked out from sheer pain as Jericho made his way to the ring.
"Okay, Jerky" Jericho said, getting up in Gore's face. "I think these Jericho-holics have heard enough of your pointless jabbering, and I know for damn sure that I've seen enough of you walking around like a mannequin, telling all of these Jericho-holics what they should and shouldn't see. So why don't you go back and hang out with your RTC buddies, before I have to give you an official Presidential Y2J beating that you will never... Eeeeeeeeeeever... forget AGAIN!"
"Jericho picked the wrong moment to say that" King interjected as the video played back. "Like I said, JR, those Secret Service agents aren't there to keep Gore company, they're there to make sure that no one tries to do anything... well, anything like Jericho did! I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jericho owes *Kane* for saving him!"
As the camera cut back to the replay, the Secret Service agents were holding Jericho back, trying to drag the young Superstar out of the ring as Gore shouted encouragement. Suddenly the stage seemed to explode in red fire, and Kane came running down to the ring toward Jericho. Misunderstanding the threat, the agents let go of Jericho and ran down to meet Kane, who ignored the agents until they began to dog-pile on top of him, finally dragging the Big Red Machine to the ground.
Meanwhile, Gore followed the action, continuing to egg the Secret Service personnel on until he realized that all of the agents had left the ring, and that he was alone with Jericho. Turning around slowly, Gore stared wide-eyed at the blond Sports-Entertainer before catching a shot across the forehead with Y2J's microphone. Gore went down like the pile of sticks he was often accused of emulating, and Jericho was on him instantly, hauling the Vice president's legs up until both calves were trapped under Jericho's arms. A second later he was twisting the Vice President around until he was face-down with his torso between Jericho's legs, Jericho bending him backwards. Gore started hitting the mat almost immediately, not even realizing that what he was doing was tapping out. All Gore knew was that being stretched backward like that hurt like hell.
"The refs broke it up eventually" JR said as the video ended, "But you have to wonder, King, how much this is gonna effect Gore's performance later tonight, when he has to team up with his running mate to decide the Presidency."
"Yeah!" King agreed vehemently. "That damn Y2J may have just cost the Democratic party the White House. You saw what he did JR; He almost broke poor Al gore in half with the walls of Jericho."
"Well King, we're gonna find out momentarily just how much that injury will affect Gore. Up now, ladies and gentleman, the title of President will be decided, and Commissioner Foley had declared that this will be a no-DQ match, so you can bet your bottom dollar, this one's gonna be a slobber-knocker!"
Almost before the words were out of JR's mouth, "Hail to the Chief" began playing, backed up by a wicked electric guitar and re-mixed sound-bites of Gore, and accompanied by video clips of Al Gore and Joe Lieberman. Gore and Lieberman stepped out, already carrying a ladder between them. Gore limped slightly as he and Lieberman made their way to the ring, but showed no hesitation before sliding under the bottom rope and into the ring. As they set the ladder up, Lillian Garcia announced the match.
"The following contest is a ladder match, and is for the Presidency of the United States of America. In the ring, weighing in at a combined weight of four hundred and fifty-seven pounds, they are the Democratic candidates for President and Vice-president; Joe Lieberman and Vice President Al Gore!"
Before the Titantron could even be reset for George Bush and Dick Cheney's music, the two Republican candidates were running down the ramp, ladder in hand to catch up to their opponents.
"And, making their way to the ring, the Republican candidates for President and vice-president, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush!"
Bush and Cheney sent the ladder flying over the top rope and into the ring ahead of them, aiming for Gore and Lieberman who were already starting to climb for the bible. While the ladder wasn't heavy enough to knock the democrats off their ladder, it did manage to distract them long enough for the Republicans to climb into the ring and begin the match in earnest. GW immediately made for Lieberman even as Gore and Cheney began exchanging blows
"And this match is under way, King" JR announced from ringside. "The Dems are looking good so far, but that back has gotta be- Ow. Damn that hadda hurt, a donkey-kick from Cheney, ladies and gentlemen, right into the small of Al Gore's back, and the Vice-president is on the mat."
Gore made his way to the ropes following the kick from Cheney, and had almost made it to his feet before Bush and Cheney clotheslined him over the ropes with their ladder, leaving Lieberman alone with the Republicans. Bush went to work on Lieberman, backing the Jewish Senator into a corner even as Cheney started to upright the ladder beneath the bible. After several knife-edge chops, Bush grabbed Lieberman's arm and hit an arm-drag, throwing the Vice-presidential candidate diagonally across the ring and unfortunately whipping him into the ladder that Bush's partner was climbing. The impact knocked Lieberman senseless, and sent Cheney flying, only to have that flight come to an abrupt stop on the ropes, where he landed spread-eagle.
"Ouch" King said in sympathy. "That'll hurt more than your pride. That'll hurt your chances at fertility!"
None of the candidates heard him, however, as Gore grabbed Bush's ankle and pulled him out of the ring. A second later both would-be Presidents were hammering away on each other. Gore's long reach, however, along with the fact that unlike Bush he had gone through *real* military training and could hit harder, soon had the Texas governor reeling. Gore took advantage, and executed an arm-drag of his own to send Bush careening into the ring steps. As the two continued to battle their way around the ring, Lieberman and Cheney were alternately climbing the ladder from opposite sides and pausing to take shots at each other. Finally both men made it to the top, and began instead to alternate between reaching for the bible and pounding on each other. Cheney managed a lucky shot on Lieberman and took advantage of it, suplexing the smaller, older man over the top of the ladder.
Both men landed hard, the whites of their eyes showing. A second later Bush and Gore were back in the ring. Bush immediately went for the ladder, while Gore started to set up the other. By the time this was accomplished, Bush was already nearing the top of the ladder and reaching for the briefcase that bible had been placed in for safe-keeping. Lieberman was on his feet, however, and managed to stop Bush by the simple expedient of knocking Bush's ladder over. Even then, though, Bush kept trying, grabbing the cable that the bible was hanging from and allowing himself to dangle in midair. Seeing his opponents vulnerability, Gore ignored the pain in his back and climbed the ladder until he was even with the Texas governor, and speared Bush off of the cable and into the mat.
Both men lay on the mat, Gore unconscious, Bush bleeding from a head wound. Unfortunately for Bush, Gore's momentum had carried them to land on Cheney, who along with Lieberman had been struggling to his feet following the suplex. Lieberman flashed back to the conversation he had had with Gore prior to the match, when the vice-president had ordered him to win no matter what. Keeping that in mind, Lieberman ignored the pile of bodies lying on the mat, and instead began to stumble up the ladder, fighting for every inch. He made it to the top before any of the politicians below could get to their feet, and as the crowd watched in awe, some of them with their minds full of hope, others wishing they could stop it., Lieberman opened the case and removed the inaugural bible to become the 43rd vice-president, and to make Gore the President of the United States.
Fin
Disclaimer- Jim "JR" Ross, Jerry "The King" Lawler, Right to Censor, Chris "Y2J" Jericho, Mick Foley, and the WWF belong to WWF Entertainment, and Al Gore, Joe Lieberman, George W. Bush, and Dick Cheney belong either to themselves or the Democratic and Republican parties, respectively. No money is being made off of this, and anyone is welcome to archive it so long as I'm told, this notice is attached, and no profit is made.(If I can't make money off of this, neither can you.)
And in This corner
by Paul "Speedy" DeRohn
The atmosphere was charged with anticipation and electricity even before the dark matches started, and had built to a fever pitch by the time Raw was ready to begin. The final straw was the pyrotechnics blasting from the roof of the CoreState First Union center to signal the start of the show, and the crowd exploded into applause, many of them on their feet waving banners. Such behavior was usual for WWF fans, but Jim "JR" Ross had never heard such intensity. Tonight they had a reason to cheer. Their "Smack Down Your Vote" campaign had set political history, and tonight's show would do it again.
"Welcome to Raw is War," JR told the crowd and viewing audience as he did every week, "coming to you live from the sold out First Union Center in Philadelphia Pennsylvania. And boy do we have a show for you tonight."
"You got that right" Jerry "The King" Lawler broke in, speaking in a fast, high voice. "We finally got a response to the Smackdown challenge, and we get to figure everything out tonight, right here!"
JR laughed at the Smackdown joke, despite the fact that it had been bounced around the locker room all day. In fact, a lot of jokes had been made following the call between WWF Commissioner Mick Foley and the head of the Federal Election Commission. Most of those jokes had dried up when the Secret Service had shown up, leading the two Presidential candidates, as well as their runningmates.
"That's right, King. The candidates may not have wanted to admit that WWF fans can make a difference, but after the deadlock in Florida, the Federal Election Commission has decided to settle this unprecedented tie in an unprecedented way. That's why-"
*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE-CRASH*
The sound of a car crashing was followed immediately by the sounds of a bass guitar, and all eyes turned to the Titantron monitor and the plaid-shirted man coming out from under it. Mick Foley smiled for the crowd and raised his clenched fist, occasionally pointing to fans who were holding Mick Foley banners. Luckily the cameras were too far back for the fans to notice how forced Mick's smile looked. He had wanted to see the candidates square off inside a WWF ring, but this was NOT how he wanted the face-off to be.
"Hello City of Brotherly Love!" Mick said as he climbed into the ring, instinctively going for and getting the cheap `Yeah, I know how to read a road sign' pop from the crowd. "Great to be here, and I wish we had time to chat, but it seems we've got something important to talk about.
"You see, a couple hours ago I got a call from a friend of mine, who happens to be the head of the Federal Election Commission. It seems that they have a bit of, well, dead tie down in Florida, and my friend thought of the Smackdown Challenge that we issued a couple months ago. So that's why, tonight, right here in Philly, we're going to see the Presidency of the United States decided _in this very ring!_"
The crowd, most of whom had heard the news on CNN earlier, exploded. This was what they lived for.
Mick waited patiently for the furor to die down before continuing.
"Okay" he said finally. "okay. We have to get under way here. Tonight, we're gonna take the bible... You know, the one they use to swear in a new President. We're gonna take that bible, we're gonna hang it from the ceiling. Then, we're going to bring out the Presidential and Vice-presidential candidates, and the first team to climb up and get that bible WILL be our next president! Have a nice day!"
*Later that night*
"Welcome back to Raw, ladies and gentlemen." JR said as Raw came back from their final commercial. "It's been a hell of a night. We've already seen RTC lose the tag team titles to the Dudleys after interference by GW Bush's security team, Test beating Steve Blackman for the Hardcore championship thanks to a couple of overzealous Secret Service agents tazering the Lethal Weapon... And what the hell was Y2J thinking?"
"Yeah," King agreed. "he had to have realized what the nice men in the dark suits surrounding Al Gore were for, and he still.... Well, you can see for yourself."
Al Gore appeared on the Titantron. The camera pulled back, showing Gore in the middle of the ring, microphone in hand. Surrounding him were Secret Service Agents with their hands clasped in front of them, inscrutable behind their sunglasses.
"And this is exactly what I'm trying to fight against." Gore said passionately to the crowd. "Rather than figuring this out the right way, by the will of the American people, my friend Joe Lieberman and I are expected to *brawl* for the most important position in the world, while children watch! We can not tolerate this any longer. This is barbaric and wrong, and needs to be-"
The Vice-president and prospective Commander-In-Chief was interrupted by the buzzing countdown of Chris Jericho's introduction. As the numbers flashing on the Titantron hit zero, the lights went out around the arena. The Secret Service Agents scrambled to replace their sunglasses with night-vision goggles, and managed to get them in place just in time to be blinded by Jericho's pyros. Ripping the light-magnification lenses off, they dropped to canvas, most of them either blinking and screaming or blissfully knocked out from sheer pain as Jericho made his way to the ring.
"Okay, Jerky" Jericho said, getting up in Gore's face. "I think these Jericho-holics have heard enough of your pointless jabbering, and I know for damn sure that I've seen enough of you walking around like a mannequin, telling all of these Jericho-holics what they should and shouldn't see. So why don't you go back and hang out with your RTC buddies, before I have to give you an official Presidential Y2J beating that you will never... Eeeeeeeeeeever... forget AGAIN!"
"Jericho picked the wrong moment to say that" King interjected as the video played back. "Like I said, JR, those Secret Service agents aren't there to keep Gore company, they're there to make sure that no one tries to do anything... well, anything like Jericho did! I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jericho owes *Kane* for saving him!"
As the camera cut back to the replay, the Secret Service agents were holding Jericho back, trying to drag the young Superstar out of the ring as Gore shouted encouragement. Suddenly the stage seemed to explode in red fire, and Kane came running down to the ring toward Jericho. Misunderstanding the threat, the agents let go of Jericho and ran down to meet Kane, who ignored the agents until they began to dog-pile on top of him, finally dragging the Big Red Machine to the ground.
Meanwhile, Gore followed the action, continuing to egg the Secret Service personnel on until he realized that all of the agents had left the ring, and that he was alone with Jericho. Turning around slowly, Gore stared wide-eyed at the blond Sports-Entertainer before catching a shot across the forehead with Y2J's microphone. Gore went down like the pile of sticks he was often accused of emulating, and Jericho was on him instantly, hauling the Vice president's legs up until both calves were trapped under Jericho's arms. A second later he was twisting the Vice President around until he was face-down with his torso between Jericho's legs, Jericho bending him backwards. Gore started hitting the mat almost immediately, not even realizing that what he was doing was tapping out. All Gore knew was that being stretched backward like that hurt like hell.
"The refs broke it up eventually" JR said as the video ended, "But you have to wonder, King, how much this is gonna effect Gore's performance later tonight, when he has to team up with his running mate to decide the Presidency."
"Yeah!" King agreed vehemently. "That damn Y2J may have just cost the Democratic party the White House. You saw what he did JR; He almost broke poor Al gore in half with the walls of Jericho."
"Well King, we're gonna find out momentarily just how much that injury will affect Gore. Up now, ladies and gentleman, the title of President will be decided, and Commissioner Foley had declared that this will be a no-DQ match, so you can bet your bottom dollar, this one's gonna be a slobber-knocker!"
Almost before the words were out of JR's mouth, "Hail to the Chief" began playing, backed up by a wicked electric guitar and re-mixed sound-bites of Gore, and accompanied by video clips of Al Gore and Joe Lieberman. Gore and Lieberman stepped out, already carrying a ladder between them. Gore limped slightly as he and Lieberman made their way to the ring, but showed no hesitation before sliding under the bottom rope and into the ring. As they set the ladder up, Lillian Garcia announced the match.
"The following contest is a ladder match, and is for the Presidency of the United States of America. In the ring, weighing in at a combined weight of four hundred and fifty-seven pounds, they are the Democratic candidates for President and Vice-president; Joe Lieberman and Vice President Al Gore!"
Before the Titantron could even be reset for George Bush and Dick Cheney's music, the two Republican candidates were running down the ramp, ladder in hand to catch up to their opponents.
"And, making their way to the ring, the Republican candidates for President and vice-president, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush!"
Bush and Cheney sent the ladder flying over the top rope and into the ring ahead of them, aiming for Gore and Lieberman who were already starting to climb for the bible. While the ladder wasn't heavy enough to knock the democrats off their ladder, it did manage to distract them long enough for the Republicans to climb into the ring and begin the match in earnest. GW immediately made for Lieberman even as Gore and Cheney began exchanging blows
"And this match is under way, King" JR announced from ringside. "The Dems are looking good so far, but that back has gotta be- Ow. Damn that hadda hurt, a donkey-kick from Cheney, ladies and gentlemen, right into the small of Al Gore's back, and the Vice-president is on the mat."
Gore made his way to the ropes following the kick from Cheney, and had almost made it to his feet before Bush and Cheney clotheslined him over the ropes with their ladder, leaving Lieberman alone with the Republicans. Bush went to work on Lieberman, backing the Jewish Senator into a corner even as Cheney started to upright the ladder beneath the bible. After several knife-edge chops, Bush grabbed Lieberman's arm and hit an arm-drag, throwing the Vice-presidential candidate diagonally across the ring and unfortunately whipping him into the ladder that Bush's partner was climbing. The impact knocked Lieberman senseless, and sent Cheney flying, only to have that flight come to an abrupt stop on the ropes, where he landed spread-eagle.
"Ouch" King said in sympathy. "That'll hurt more than your pride. That'll hurt your chances at fertility!"
None of the candidates heard him, however, as Gore grabbed Bush's ankle and pulled him out of the ring. A second later both would-be Presidents were hammering away on each other. Gore's long reach, however, along with the fact that unlike Bush he had gone through *real* military training and could hit harder, soon had the Texas governor reeling. Gore took advantage, and executed an arm-drag of his own to send Bush careening into the ring steps. As the two continued to battle their way around the ring, Lieberman and Cheney were alternately climbing the ladder from opposite sides and pausing to take shots at each other. Finally both men made it to the top, and began instead to alternate between reaching for the bible and pounding on each other. Cheney managed a lucky shot on Lieberman and took advantage of it, suplexing the smaller, older man over the top of the ladder.
Both men landed hard, the whites of their eyes showing. A second later Bush and Gore were back in the ring. Bush immediately went for the ladder, while Gore started to set up the other. By the time this was accomplished, Bush was already nearing the top of the ladder and reaching for the briefcase that bible had been placed in for safe-keeping. Lieberman was on his feet, however, and managed to stop Bush by the simple expedient of knocking Bush's ladder over. Even then, though, Bush kept trying, grabbing the cable that the bible was hanging from and allowing himself to dangle in midair. Seeing his opponents vulnerability, Gore ignored the pain in his back and climbed the ladder until he was even with the Texas governor, and speared Bush off of the cable and into the mat.
Both men lay on the mat, Gore unconscious, Bush bleeding from a head wound. Unfortunately for Bush, Gore's momentum had carried them to land on Cheney, who along with Lieberman had been struggling to his feet following the suplex. Lieberman flashed back to the conversation he had had with Gore prior to the match, when the vice-president had ordered him to win no matter what. Keeping that in mind, Lieberman ignored the pile of bodies lying on the mat, and instead began to stumble up the ladder, fighting for every inch. He made it to the top before any of the politicians below could get to their feet, and as the crowd watched in awe, some of them with their minds full of hope, others wishing they could stop it., Lieberman opened the case and removed the inaugural bible to become the 43rd vice-president, and to make Gore the President of the United States.
Fin